Nathan’s Perspective
It was Christmas morning and my pickup truck smelled like fresh, homemade cinnamon rolls. I had gotten up early to drive to the New Hanover detention center to visit a woman I had never met. She was the biological mother of my two grandchildren, and our family wanted to bring her into the living room on Christmas morning… well, at least as close to it as we could. My son Zach was gay and he and his partner Seth (whom I couldn’t love more if he was my own), were building an incredible life for themselves and their two (maybe soon to be three) adopted children. The two of them were so giving and kindhearted, it was contagious… they made me want to be my best. When Zach was a college freshman, he came out to us and my heart sunk. Not because I cared that he was gay, it was because I empathized with the sacrifices and struggles I thought he would have to make. I was bisexual, I chose to ignore the gay side of myself early in life and focus on living life as a straight man. Honestly, thirty years earlier in rural Wisconsin I didn’t feel like I had options. Let me set the record straight here, I have NO REGRETS WHATSOEVER. My wife is absolutely perfect (albeit slightly controlling at times, but her heart is made of pure gold and she loves her family). My life is incredible and I am grateful things turned out the way they did, but when Zach came out as gay, I worried for him. But the world has changed. He and Seth got through college, then grad school, landed good jobs that were now turning into great careers in a place where they were surrounded by amazing and supportive friends.
The only thing I struggled with, and this will sound stupid, is the fact that, thanks to my son, I was constantly surrounded by hot gay men and it was harder to ignore my nature. But I did it and often the sexual tension came out in the form of amazing sex for my wife (I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a pervert… it’s just the reality). Anyway, I was so proud of my son. I was proud of my daughter too. She married into the same family as my son, and thankfully they ended up living in the same area. My wife and I had just bought a vacation home near them and were hoping to retire near our family within the next few years. I was still young, had a legal practice and was Mayor of a small Wisconsin town. My term was up in two years and Kelly and I were discussing the next chapter.
I parked the vehicle about twenty minutes before my schedule visit, and got in the security line. There were only a couple of people in front of me, all there to visit someone on Christmas. I had been a lawyer long enough to know how hard the holidays were on prisoners and their families.
I had been to several prisons and detention centers during my career, but this was my first visit there. Honestly, in comparison to most, it seemed like a decent place. The guards were friendly, when they checked my ID one of them saw my name and asked, “Hall? Are you related to Izzy and Freddy?” I had to smile and proudly told him I was their grandfather. “Tell them Merry Christmas from Randy the guard.” I had to laugh; those kids could charm anyone. Once I was through security, I sat in the waiting room for just a few minutes then was escorted to a small, private meeting room with a table and a couple of chairs where I waited for Karen. I didn’t wait long before the guard brought her in.
“Karen, I’m Nathan Hall” I said shaking her hand. She was a little thing, younger than I expected but aged beyond her years.
She smiled Izzy’s smile, and said “Nice to meet you Gwampa Nafan.” I laughed out loud. “I can’t believe y’all are goin’ through all this trouble just so I can see the kids.” She and I talked for a few moments, during our conversation I brought up her case and told her my thoughts.
“I think I can do better for you than the court appointed defense attorney has. I’d like to represent you” I said.
“But I can’t afford…” she started.
“Pro bono” I said, she just kind of looked at me in that way Freddy did when he didn’t quite understand what I was saying. “I’ll do it for free” I clarified.
Karen smiled a confused smile, “Why?”
“Aside from the obvious fact that you’re part of the family… because I think you’re getting a raw deal and you deserve fair representation.” I had been a lawyer for decades and always believed it was my duty to help those who needed legal help to access it. “For now, let’s call the kids and enjoy Christmas, then I’ll set an appointment to come see you later this week and we can talk details, I have a million questions” I said. “If you sign this contract retaining me, I can get the paperwork moving.” I put the contract in front of her and she looked at me still seemingly unsure of why I would help her, then she signed it. Then I slid the cinnamon rolls across the table and handed her the cup of hot chocolate, “Oh, Grandma Kelly made these for you.” Her eyes lit up; she was so grateful. “We better call in; the kids are probably bouncing off the walls. Seth and Zach said told me to tell you they’d do their best to hold the kids back, but no guarantees.”
Karen laughed, “Oh hell, if they’re like me they aint got no self-control. Are they excited we’re joining them?”
“We haven’t told them in case something went wrong. So, it’ll be a big surprise” I said.
Karen took a bite of the cinnamon roll and a sip of the hot chocolate, “Oh my god, this brings back memories.”
I pulled out the iPad, to facetime Zach, Karen fixed her hair as much as she could and took a deep breath. “You ready?” I asked. She nodded and I called Zach.
When he picked up, he was in the kitchen out of earshot of the kids, “Hey dad” he said.
“Hey Zach, I’m here with Karen” I said as I framed the two of us on the screen and propped the iPad on the table.
“Hey Karen, Merry Christmas!” Zach chirped excitedly.
“Merry Christmas Daddy Sach” Karen said with a sly grin.
“Okay, let’s do this.” Zach said as he walked us into the living room. “Freddy and Izzy come see who’s on the phone.”
“Is it Grandpa Nathan?” Freddy asked excitedly. I was touched that he noticed I was missing.
“Better!” Zach said (okay, so that stung a little, but it was fair. Momma trumps Grandpa).
Zach turned the phone towards the kids and Freddy’s cute face filled the screen, “MOMMA!” he screamed. “YOU’RE HERE!!!” He was bursting at the seams with excitement.
Karen smiled through her impending tears and said, “Merry Christmas little man.”
Then we heard Izzy’s voice before she mugged for the camera, “Momma! Mewwy Chwismiss” then she kissed the screen and said, “I miss you, momma.” It was the clearest sentence I had ever heard her speak. Tears flowed from Karen’s eyes as she smiled and laughed at her kid’s excitement, they seemed to be joyful tears. Freddy took the lead and told her all about the two Christmas parties he had been to, and seeing Santa “two times,” and his bike, and… well everything. Then he took the phone from Zach and he and Izzy went around the room and introduced everyone to their momma.
“It’s nice to finally meet y’all. The kids tell me all about ya’” Karen said as the group greeted her.
“Oh, and look Momma” Freddy said as he pointed the phone towards the top of the tree. “It’s Harold!” Then the kids opened their gifts. They said thank you to the giver as they opened each gift and then held it up to show Momma.
“These are from your Momma” Kelly said as she handed the kids their last gifts to unwrap. She looked at me with confusion. I hit mute quickly and said, “The guys boxed up some of the kids old toys that they were able to get from your landlord as a gift from you.”
“That was sweet” she said under her breath before I took us off mute. We watched as the kids squealed with excitement over being reunited with their old stuff. “Thanks Momma” Freddy said and came over to kiss the phone. Izzy followed his lead. Then the two kids took their momma on a tour of the house and showed her their rooms, the dog, the playroom… anything they could think of. They were so happy she was finally in their world.
We were on the phone for almost an hour when I said, “I hate to be the party pooper” soliciting a ‘you said pooper’ and a laugh from Freddy. “But it’s time for us to say goodbye.”
Karen and the kids said several ‘Merry Christmas’s’ and heartfelt ‘I love you’s’ before we hung up. After we hung up, Karen sobbed.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah” she said with a little tearful chuckle. “That was wonderful, I miss them so much” it was clear she was struggling between joy and sadness.
“I hope this wasn’t too hard for you” I said empathetically.
“It was difficult as fuck” she said with a little chortle, “but awesome at the same time. I wish I could’ve been there.”
“Listen, I can’t make any promised other than, I will do my best to get you out of here and in the room on holidays as soon as possible.” I said.
“Well even if you can get me out, I’m out of their lives” she said remorsefully.
“Listen, Karen. We have an unusual situation here, but we have an unusual family. The boys would absolutely welcome you at holiday, we’ve talked a lot about this” Kelly and I had talked in-depth with Zach and Seth about what Karen’s freedom would mean. The best way to describe the planned resolution was that she would take the role of an aunt… an important part of the family, but not living in the house. And not the decision maker. “Your situation forced you to give them up. But you’ll always be their momma. We all respect that. I hope you realize what a gift you’ve given our family by sharing your two kids with us.”
It was so clear that this was hard on her, but we both stood and she hugged me, “You’re a good egg Gwampa Nafan” she said, then she asked, “do you really think you can make a difference on my case?” I told her that I felt at the very least I could help her get the charges reduced and credit for time served. She thanked me and I hung out with her eating cinnamon rolls and drinking hot chocolate until the guards made me leave. She was a sweet, funny person who loved her kids, I couldn’t help but see her as a child herself. One who was in a bad position and made some horrible decisions. I know it was difficult for Karen to see her kids with another family, but I truly believed that we brought he some joy that morning, and I hoped that my visit had given her some hope. I was committed to helping her.
What Freddy See’s
I couldn’t do it, my dad’s told me I had to, but I just lay in my bed and wait anymore. It was Christmas morning and I knew Santa had come… I just knew it. I talked to him two times. TWO TIMES!!!! I saw him at Daddy Zach’s work party, he gave the art kit I asked Daddy Seth for, I told him good stuff about Izzy, n’ told him Ali was staying at our house. I liked Ali, he just came to live with us for a while and was sad because he missed his momma, I knew he’d be even sadder if Santa didn’t find him. Then I saw Santa again at my friend Teddy’s house on Christmas Eve. He got there before Teddy was in bed, we heard jingle bells outside, and we caught him in the yard!
He came inside and let us all sit on his lap then he pulled out this book that told him all about us. HE KNEW EVERYTHING! He said Bob the Elf told him I was a good boy. While I was sitting on his lap, Daddy Zach told him I was the best big brother ever. I dunno, if I was the best, I was just a big brother. Izzy needed me… Momma’s friend Johnny was mean to her, and so was one of the boys at one of the houses we stayed at when momma was bad once. I took care of Izzy because she needed me to, and Izzy made me laugh because I needed her to. I loved Izzy, and not just cuz momma said I had to either. Well, Santa must’ve believed I was good because he gave me a bike. My very own bike!!! I wanted one so bad! Me, n’ Teddy, n’ Sammy all asked Santa for bikes so we could ride em’ together. The three of us promised to help each other be good so Santa would bring the bikes and it worked (Izzy made it hard sometimes). It was Christmas morning now (or maybe even Christmas Eve still… I didn’t sleep a lot because I was so excited) and I already got so much stuff and had so much fun, but I had to know… did Santa find me, Izzy, n’ Ali?!
I looked down at the other bunk and Ali was still sleepin’. I crawled down the ladder and cracked the door open. Tunia (that’s what I called our dog Petunia) was asleep in the hallway makin’ sure we were all okay like she always was. I stepped over her and opened the door to Izzy’s room, she was sleepin’ too, so I snuck down the upstairs hallways past daddies’ room and opened the gate at the top of the steps. Tunia woke up n’ followed me down the steps, her toenails clicked on the steps so I shushed her… I didn’t want to wake up daddies. When I got to the bottom of the staircase, I looked over at the lit Christmas tree with Harold the Angel on top and OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!! THERE WERE SO MANY DANG PRESENTS I COULDN’T EVEN SEE THE FLOOR! SANTA CAME… HE REALLY CAME! I just stood there and looked. I mean, I know we were all good (well me and Ali more than Izzy, but she was still good) but C’MON! Last year I got a cool firetruck, a PEZ, some socks, and underwear and that was it, now look… and I already got a bike and art stuff, and Mr. Jay and Abby gave me a remote control car. I looked over by the fireplace where our stockings were hung and they were all stuffed, there was a Spiderman PEZ peeking out of the top. Santa always brought me a superhero PEZ, I had a bunch of ‘em, but they all got lost when they took us from Momma.
It was hard to just look at all those presents and not open nothin’. My new bike was standing in the corner so I went over and looked at. MY bike, I loved it. Then I walked around and read the tags on the presents, there was a giant pile for me, another one for Izzy, one for Ali (Whew, Santa found him. I thought he wouldn’t because he just moved in… I think his momma was bad too. Daddies didn’t talk much about it). I shook some of the presents while Tunia watched the steps so we didn’t get busted. There were a couple of things for my daddies, and Grandpa, and Grandma, and even Uncle Eli (I loved him, he told good fart jokes), and Aunt Riley (she taught Izzy to say the B-word hehe, Daddy Sach was so mad at her), but most of the presents were for us three kids. It pays to be good… I decided to go back to bed before I got in trouble and ruined it all. I snuck up the steps, down the upstairs hall and almost made it to my room when I heard…
“I thought we told you to stay in bed until everyone got up” it was Daddy Seth.
“I… um…I…” I didn’t know what to say. Then I saw him smiling and decided… awe who cares, “SANTA CAME” I yelled and whispered at the same time, “He really came, and he found all of us Daddy Zeff.” Seth and Zach ‘dopted us when Momma was really, really bad last time and had to go live with the police. ‘Dopted means we got to stay with them forever Daddy Zach said. We started calling the Daddy Zach and Daddy Seth after the ‘doption, but Izzy couldn’t say it so she called ‘em Daddy Sach and Daddy Zeff… I did too sometimes as a joke. It usually got me outta trouble… like just then.
Daddy Zeff laughed a little, “I know it’s hard pal, but can you wait just a little more? It’s almost time.”
“K” I said with a sigh, “but c’mon and see” I said taking his hand and pulling him down the steps to show him all the presents.
“WOW!” he said… he was excited too.
“What are you guys doin’ up?” Daddy Sach said from the top of the steps.
“HE CAME” I shout whispered again. “And he left stuff for everybody… even Ali!” I don’t know why, but when I said ‘even Ali’ my two daddies looked at each other n’ smiled. Ya’ know what was weird about them? Is they really liked us. Me and Izzy stayed at a lot of places where they pretended to like us, or maybe they liked Izzy and not me, liked me and not Izzy… but not here. At this house they loved and liked us both (Ali too). They always seemed happy when we were with them, they played with us all the time (Daddy Sach was teaching me to play soccer and said I could be on a team next year), sometimes they laid on the floor and drew with me, or played princess with Izzy, they even took us to Disneyland on A’cation, it was so much flippin’ fun (sorry for the almost bad word).
“Oh my god lookit all that shit” Daddy Sach said.
I giggled, “oooooo you said a bad word. You’re lucky Santa already came” They both laughed, but I don’t know why… he WAS lucky Santa didn’t hear that.
Daddy Zeff was standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders, “hey bud, I know this is hard, but you gotta wait just a little longer?”
I looked up at the two of them, I was disappointed, but then smiled. “K. But it aint gonna be easy.”
Daddy Zeff rubbed my hair, “c’mon, you can sleep in our bed” Then we went up to their room and all got into their big bed, even Tunia. I fell asleep between em’ for a little bit. When they woke me up, Daddy Zeff said, “okay, NOW we can go downstairs.” I jumped outta bed and ran like heck down the stairs and into the living room. Daddy Zeff followed me, then Daddy Sach came down carrying Ali and holding Izzy’s hand.
Izzy was still sleepy but her eyes opened all the way when she saw the presents, “Santa comed, I a good guro.” That was Izzy talk for ‘Santa came because I was a good girl.’ She was still learning to talk, but I understood her fine. Then she ran over to the presents and I told her which ones were for her.
All Ali said was, “wow” making our daddies laugh. Daddy Sach put Ali down by his pile of presents.
Daddy Zeff ran back upstairs and Daddy Sach said, “Grandma Kelly will be here any minute, you can each pick one present and open it before she gets here, but then you gotta wait.”
Daddy Zeff came back downstairs, “but first this” he said and handed us each a sweater and said we needed to put em on before Grandma came cuz it would make her happy, so we did (Izzy b-worded about it, but that was just Izzy... she b-worded about everything). We all climbed through the piles of presents to pick one out, then Daddy Sach pulled out his camera and started recording us. Izzy got a Barbie doll… WHEW! All she talked about was “Bowbie, Bowbie, Bowbie” she wanted that stupid doll so bad she would’ve been impossible if she didn’t get it. She was so happy and that made me happy.
Ali opened some stacking puzzle kinda toy, he was smiling and happy too. I liked it when he wasn’t sad.
I opened my present; it was a soccer jersey that said “Westin-Hall” on the back. That was my new, ‘dopted name. It was AWESOME! I tried it on, but only for a little bit because grandma came in and I had to put the sweater she gave me back on.
“Merry Christmas everyone” Grandma Kelly said as she came through the door with Uncle Eli and Aunt Riley.
“Where’s Grandpa Nathan?” I asked.
“He’ll come over later” Grandma said, then she lifted up the pan she was carrying, “I made cinnamon rolls!” CINNAMON ROLLS!!!! My momma used to make them for us on Christmas morning, I took a whiff…. They smelled just like Momma’s. Daddy Seth made some hot chocolate and we all dug in, then it was time to dig into the presents.
Just as we were gettin’ started Daddy Sach’s phone rang and he went into the kitchen to answer it, when he came back, I asked, “is it Grandpa Nathan?”
“Better!” Daddy Sach said.
He turned showed us the phone and there was… “MOMMA!” I screamed. “YOU’RE HERE!!!” Momma was calling us! She was sitting with Grandpa Nathan... we could see ‘em both on the screen.
Momma smiled and cried a little, then said, “Merry Christmas little man” that’s what she always called me, her little man.
Izzy pushed me out of the way and put her face close to Daddy Zach’s phone, “Momma! Mewwy Chwismiss” then she kissed the phone and said, “I miss you, momma.” Momma smiled and cried a little, then she laughed… she was happy to see us too. I told her that Grandma Kelly made cinnamon rolls just like she used to. Momma said Grandpa Nathan brought her some, it was almost like she was there with us. I liked living with Daddy Zach and Daddy Seth, I felt safe there. I asked them once if momma could ever come live with us and they said no. They said that even if Momma got out of jail we would stay with them, but she couldn’t come live with us because of what she did…. then they said they loved me and Izzy and would make sure we got to see Momma. I guess that was good, but I didn’t like it, I wanted us all to live together but they said it was unpossible.
I told momma all about the two Christmas parties I went to, and seein’ Santa… TWO TIMES… and my bike, and… well everything. Daddy Zach gave me his phone and me n’ Izzy went around the room and showed momma off to everyone. They were all happy to see her, and everyone was nice to her.
“It’s nice to finally meet y’all. The kids tell me all about ya’” Momma said.
“Oh, and look Momma” I said the held the phone up by the tree. “It’s Harold!” Then we opened our presents while momma ate cinnamon rolls with Grandpa Nathan and watched us.
“These are from you Momma” Grandma Kelly said as she handed me and Izzy the last presents. We opened our boxes at the same time. It was all our old stuff! Our toys, all my superhero PEZ’s, there was a picture of me and Momma in a frame, Izzy’s box had a picture of her and Momma in a frame. There was a bunch of stuff, mine, and Izzy’s, it felt good to have it all again.
“Thanks Momma” I said after we opened our presents, then I kissed her through the phone. Izzy did too.
After we opened our gifts me n’ Izzy showed them around our house and our rooms. We were on the phone a long time when Grandpa Nathan said, “I hate to be the party pooper…”
I laughed and said, “you said pooper.”
Then Grandpa finished and said, “but it’s time for us to say goodbye” and him and Momma hung up. I missed her, but I loved that she was there for a while… at least kinda.
It. Was. The. Best. Christmas. EVER! I was lucky.
To be continued…
