B A’s Perspective
Well, shit. Daddy’s old RV aint left New Hanover County in years, but I weren’t about to let that boy drive cross country in that old piece of shit by himself, I trusted daddy’s mechanical skills but that car was still damn old and that boy was still damn young (without a lick of sense) … so if that weren’t the perfect excuse for a vacation out west, then there aint one! Daddy got that fugly, old, pee-green Yaris runnin’ like a top for Trevor. The boys took to callin’ her Helga, short for Helga Phugly… I had to look that up on the Google but it made me laugh out loud (those damn kids kept me entertained). After gettin’ Helga road ready, Daddy went to work tunin’ up the RV so we could follow her out to Phoenix. Seth and Max didn’t even make me use my vacation time since I was followin’ a villager and goin’ to check on two others. The cherry on top was Red lendin’ us his red hot Camaro convertible to tow behind so we’d have fancy wheels to tool around in once we set up camp.
Trevor came to our place before the damn sun even poked through the night sky, and the three of us headed to Arizona. Trev drivin’ Helga, Daddy Drivin’ the rig with the Camaro draggin’ behind, and me knittin’ in the passenger seat as we rambled down the highway headin' west. When Dylan and Brody were younger, we’d take this old camper out at least one weekend a month even if we only went as far as the KOA in Wilmington so the boys could use the pool, but it was always like a mini vacation. Daddy would build a campfire at night and we’d toast smores… those were the good ole days. Now this old girl (the RV, not me) just sits in the lot behind Daddy’s shop. It felt good to be back on the road with her, and this time for a good cause. Gettin’ Trevor started out on a new life. I thought of all the boys of The Village as my own, and by ‘boys’ I meant the kids (of any gender) that they helped and every “adult” that was part of it.
I was working at the Harris Teeter when Brody (my stepson) moved back to town and took over Grandmaw’s old place. I was so gull dang happy to have that boy back home where he belonged. Well… one thing led to another and Maxwell moved in and the two started a life together (that lovable ginger was the best thing that ever happened to my Brody). Then Gina moved out here and caught Dylan’s eye (and ever’ other part of him), I couldn’t love that girl more. Our family grew in a great way. The next thing I know Seth and Zach (Red and Brody’s friends from college) moved out here to help Red start The Village. Then they moved in across from Grandmaw’s place and fixed up the old witches house (as the boys used to call it). That old country road came alive with activity and color (and lights at Christmas). Then the boys bought that old apartment buildin’ downtown and The Village was up and runnin’ in full force. I volunteered for a bit, then they offered me a fulltime job and that’s when my life changed for the better. I basically became Grandmaw to all these boys without family… an I. Fuckin’. Loved it! Speakin' of becomin’ a grandmaw… that happened too! The kids just keep comin’.
I gotta tell ya’, all this fuss about people bein’ gay, I don’t get it. Red n’ Brody, Seth n’ Zach, them boys are some of the best damn people y’all will ever meet, and their marriages are stronger than most straight ones I know of. They’re good to each other and they’re raisin’ great little humans… I love the hell outta ever one of them damn kids too! I just don’t get all the damn fuss about gay marriage… marry whoever the hell ya’ love. Go be happy. Anyway, the boys got The Village (a nonprofit that helped young LGBTQIA people get a good start at adultin’) up and goin’. Now I admit y’all, I had no damn clue what all of them LGBTQIA initials meant, and frankly I didn’t give a damn. Folks is folks momma always used ta’ say. Workin’ there I saw shit I aint never seen ‘afore, like kids gettin’ kicked to the curb by their own momma and daddy because apparently, they claimed god himself wanted them to do that… god don’t want no such thang! He wants us to love each other and that is exactly what Brody, Max, and all of them boys do… unconditionally.
So, I know I’ve been babblin’ on, but there’s a lot to tell. All that to say that me n’ Daddy were back on the road in the old RV and followin’ one of the boys from The Village out to Phoenix to start a new life. I spent the last couple of days cleanin’ that old barge from stem to stern and back again. I filled the cupboards with food, supplies, a couple of cases of pickles for the Phoenix gang, and maybe a few jars of moonshine got in there too. Now we were making our way out west. We’d been on the road for a few hours and I was beltin’ out the words to Jolene along with Miss Parton.
Daddy had been quiet most of the trip, then outta nowhere he yells, "Woman! Give it a rest, damn! You've done tortured that poor cat --and me-- enough!"
“Now, I may not be as blessed in the chest as Dolly, but I got the voice of a gotdamn angel and y’all know it, you old goat” I barked back.
"I aint never heard an angel caterwaulin' like that, that's for damn sure!” That old fool was lucky I loved him or he’d a got a punch in the gut instead of a kiss on the cheek.
After that, Daddy decided it was a good time for a break. He flashed his lights at Trevor, then sped around him to take the lead and exited at the next Buc-ees for gas, a stretch, and maybe breakfast. Trevor followed us and we pulled up to the pumps. Daddy filled up the vee-hickles, checked the oil, the radiator fluid, etc. while me n’ Trevor went inside. Trevor was scopin’ out the wall of jerky, “Boy, you don’t need to buy any of that crap! I got tons a’ homemade jerky in the RV and it’s a helluva a lot better than anything you can buy in a store” I told him. He just laughed at me. I liked Trevor. He reminded me of a young Zach, maybe not as “all American perfect” but he had his charm and confidence. Zach was one of my favorite people… I’m just an ugly old country bitch and that’s how a lotta people treated me over the years. But here was Zach, this perfect looking specimen of the blonde jock next-door with charm oozin’ outta every pore and he made me feel like the funniest, smartest, most beautiful lady on earth… he (and the other boys) never dismissed me… they valued me. I took to callin’ Zach biscuit cuz’ ya’ just wanted to cover him up in gravy and eat him up. Anyway, Trevor had his confidence and charm. We walked through Buc-ees laughin’ and jokin’, and I made my first souvenir purchase for all my grandbabies (includin’ Freddy, Izzy, and Ali… they was all my grandbabies).
“Why are you buying all that crap?” Trevor asked with a chuckle as he looked at the full basket in my hands.
“Cuz kids love crap, and I love them kids” is all I said. “You know how many hugs this shit’ll get me?!” The boy just laughed.
We went back to the gas pumps and I loaded my crap into the RV, Daddy paid for all the gas (Trevor’s too… that boy didn’t have a pot to piss in), then we drove down the road a piece to The Waffle House and had breakfast.
“So how did Helga drive?” Daddy asked.
“So far so good. I love her!” Trevor said as he shoved some bacon down his throat.
“And Yoda made it to the Grand Canton State alive?” Daddy asked.
“Yup. Ash checked the oil and water at every stop, he didn’t leak a drop. Then as soon as we got to Phoenix, he stopped to get the oil changed” Trevor said. I had to laugh at that… of course they did. Daddy did his damnedest to set those kids up with reliable vehicles and he worried about every damn one of them. ‘Those boys got enough shit to deal with, they don’t need car trouble too’ Daddy always said. We bought both boys Triple A memberships for added piece of mind.
After breakfast we got back on the road with Daddy behind the wheel of Helga, me behind the wheel of the rig, and Trevor in the passenger seat next to me; it felt good to be back in the driver’s seat. Trevor and I talked the whole way there, well that was when he wasn’t looking at that damn phone. “So, what does BA stand for anyway” he asked.
“Bad ass” I said making him laugh out loud. “Well, technically it’s Betty Ann, but I prefer Bad Ass.”
“Good by me Bad Ass” Trevor said with a snicker. After that, I pumped him for information about him and Asher, I suspected there was more there than a friendship there but he weren’t sayin’ much. I also had a lotta questions about this Alli-Joe guy they were stayin’ with. He was a villager, I had talked to him on the phone a few times, and met him for a hot minute at the dedication ceremony for Harrington House a while back. He was a damn good lookin’ kid with this Latin charm about him. Like I said, I suspected more than friendship between Trevor and Asher, I also knew both boys were horny as cape buffalo’s and were prolly droolin’ all over that boy. Trevor wasn’t tellin’ me shit, but his face was givin’ him away… there was definitely somethin’ brewin’ with some combination of those three. Well, Seth thought this move would be good for Asher to expand his horizons… I was guessin’ that he was doin’ just that.
We stopped again a few hours later, then it was back on the road. We put almost fourteen hours of windshield time in that day between the three of us. I rode by myself in the RV for the last stretch, it was kinda nice just singin' to every old country song that came on the radio and no one there to call it caterwaulin'. For the last coupla’ miles I sang out loud and proud, “'Cause I'm a redneck woman, I ain't no high class broad, I'm just a product of my raising, I say, "hey y’all" and "yee-haw" And I keep my Christmas lights on, on my front porch all year long, and I know all the words to every Charlie Daniels song. So, here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country, let me get a big "hell yeah" from the redneck girls like me. Hell yeah!’
Just as I got my last ‘hell yeah’ out we pulled into the RV park, it was early evenin’. We set up camp, Daddy built a fired and I cooked us up a messa’ hotdogs and beans. After that, we called it a night. Trevor called to check in with Asher, then we hit the hay with me and daddy in the master bed, and Trevor sleepin’ on the converted kitchen table. I hope our snoring didn’t keep him up cuz’ we still had a lotta asphalt ahead of us. The next day we were up at 4AM for more of the same. The third day we pulled into the RV park in Phoenix, we made it!
I texted ever’body back home to let ‘em we made it safe n’ sound, and I saw Trevor busy with his phone, lettin’ the boys know he was there. I made ‘em invite them over for dinner. After that, we unhooked Red’s baby from the back of the RV, and got our camp all set up. Daddy started a fire, I wrapped some potatoes, onions, and butter in tinfoil and threw them in the fire, and Daddy threw some steaks on. Right on time, Yoda came rollin’ up to our campsite. Asher and Alli-Joe got out, Asher made a beeline to Trevor who lifted ‘em off the ground, gave ‘em a kiss, and spun ‘em the hell around. Friends my fat, old, white ass! There was somethin’ more goin’ on there. There was a big picnic table on our campsite and we all sat down and ate. I was fishin’ for info, but those three weren’t bitin’, I didn’t learn a damn thing. After we ate, I pulled out the Smores fixin’s and the boys got around the fire and dug in. I kept asking about the apartment and they finally invited me over to see it, Alli-Joe told me not to expect much because he hadn’t cleaned in a while and the place was a mess. Before they left, I got their address and told ‘em I was comin’ by in the mornin’ to see their place because Seth would kill me if I’d come all that way and didn’t see where they was livin’. None of ‘em seemed thrilled, but two outta three knew better than to argue with me.
I gotta say, regardless of what was goin’ on, Asher looked happy… truly happy… and that made me happy. The three boys hugged us goodbye and were on their way. Me n’ Daddy were alone for the first time this trip, and believe you me we took advantage of it. The boys weren’t even gone fifteen minutes when that RV started a’ rockin’. That old goat was still sexy as hail.
Well, we were up early the next mornin’ cuz of the time difference and all I could think of was them three livin’ in a pigpen. Daddy helped me load the cleanin’ supplies into the Camaro, we dropped the top and made our way to the boys apartment. The complex seemed nice enough, by the looks of the cars in the lot I figgered it was mostly young un’s, maybe college age livin’ there. It wasn’t even 8AM on a Saturday when we knocked on the door. We had to pound on the damn door several times before Alli-Joe answered the damn door wearin’ nothin’ but what looked like a blue neon bacon strip over his naughty parts. “BA? What are you doing here?” Alli-Joe said still half asleep.
“I told you I was comin’ by in the mornin’ darlin. Now, put on some clothes, wake your roommates up, and let’s get to cleanin’” I said as I pushed my way in. He was built like a brick shithouse, if I was built like that, I’d prolly walk around nekkid too! He was beautiful as hail, and even more handsome when he was pissed-off… and he was pissed-off. It took a few minutes but the other two finally came out of one of the bedrooms (yeah, I said two came outta ONE bedroom… so my suspicions were right). Rise n’ shine boys, let’s start cleanin’” I said in a happy voice that seemed to annoy the hail outta all three of ‘em.
“Why are you here so early, BA?” Asher asked.
“Cuz I’m on Carolina time darlin’, and all I could think about was Alli-Joe tellin’ me this place was a mess. Now get up. We’re gonna fix that." The other two boys glared at Alli-Joe. He shrugged and went into one of the bedrooms to change… um the same bedroom the other two had just come out of. Hmmmmm Somethin’ was smellin’ rotten here.
I looked around the apartment, it was cute. The furniture was old and mismatched, but it was homey, especially when you think about the fact that the three occupants were all homeless not all that long ago. While the guys got dressed, I started in the kitchen, it was immaculate. A place for everything and everything in its place, it was clear that someone here liked to cook and kept that kitchen perfect. Other than that, the place was a stye. I had the boys cleaning the bathrooms and the common areas, while I started in the room, they all came out of. It stunk to high heaven! The smell was, well, maybe teenage boy sweat and some other musky odor. I looked around as I stripped the linens off the bed. The bedroom furniture was nicer than most of the stuff in the apartment, there was a picture on the nightstand of Alli-Joe's family… to be honest, my first thought was ‘I didn’t know there were any girls in Menudo’ but then I realized it was his family… so many gotdamn kids, and ever’ last one of ‘em strikingly beautiful! I found a few other surprises in that room too; A couple pairs of underwear between the sheets… a few condom wrappers, including a Magnum… now it didn’t take no genius to figure out whose that was. I also found a big, rubber washer, I figgered it fell off the hose on the washer (although I had no clue what the hell it was doing in the bedroom) so I went into the livin’ room where the boys and Daddy were workin, held up the big, rubber washer and said, “Hey, Alli-Joe, I think this fell off your hose.” They all started laughin’ at me, even Daddy and no one would tell me what was so damn funny. So, I just went into the second bedroom. It was perfect, like no one even slept in the bed…. Hmmm, three young, horny, gay boys, one bed. Hail, I just didn’t want to know.
We spent the mornin’ cleanin’ and scrubbin’ then me n’ Daddy took the boys to lunch at Frank and Lupe’s Old Mexico in Scottsdale, Alli-jo said they had good Mexican food… he weren’t wrong. Me and Daddy ate the hail outta some Mexican food and I had a coupla Margaritas. After lunch we hugged the three boys goodbye and promised not to bug ‘em no more that trip. The all seemed appreciative, even Alli-Joe who didn’t really know me from Adam… I was just some crazy old broad that invaded his home with Pine Sol. But I felt like good after seein’ where they were livin’, they were gonna be fine. Trevor gave me the last hug and said into my ear, “Thanks for everything, Bad Ass.” I just hugged him tighter.
Me and Daddy got in the Camaro and headed back to the RV Park to clean up, grab our swimmin’ suits, and venture into the desert hills to Kevin and Randy’s house. Seth’s family had invited us to hang out by the pool and visit. My momma taught me never visit empty-handed, so I grabbed some pickles and moonshine outta the RV (I coulda’ sworn I packed a couple more jars of the moonshine). Kevin and Randy were both on the board of The Village, so were Brad and Scotty, me n’ Daddy had seen ‘em a lot over the years at weddings, holidays, ZOOM meetin’s, and of course the dedication of Harrington House. They were all great guys with beautiful families and I was excited to see ‘em. After about fifteen minutes of drivin’ with the top down and the wind blowin’ through our hair, we pulled up to the house. It was a great place that reminded me of a 50’s movie star’s house in old Hollywood. I was expectin’ Clark Gable, or Cary Grant, or maybe more likely Rock Hudson to come out and greet us. But instead, we got A gaggle of gay men! Kevin, Randy, Scotty, Brad, a bunch of guys I had seen at a couple of Westin weddings but didn’t know, and of course the kids. They flocked around us like we was rockstars, smotherin’ us with hugs and greetin’s. We were with family! The weird thing is, I got ignorant people back home sayin’ shit to me like “Betty Ann, you aint never gonna have no grandbabies with a gay stepson.” Oh Pulease! I got more grandbabies and more family growth than any damn one I know thanks to my gay stepson. Blood don’t mean shit… family is people who love ya’ unconditionally, and I was surrounded by ‘em in spades!
The boys ushered us into the house, it was beautiful! And that pool… it was like a damn resort. Me n’ Daddy grabbed a couple of cocktails and floatin’ lounge chairs and jumped in. A few of the guys jumped in to join us, but most of ‘em sat around the pool drinkin’. My moonshine was a big hit and most of them boys was feelin’ no pain in no time flat. Later that night, they threw some burgers on the grill and set up an amazing buffet in the kitchen. That’s one gay stereotype I found to be true… they could throw incredible parties on a moment’s notice.
Well, all in all it was a wonderful night with good friends and family. We said goodnight and cruised back to the RV Park. The next morning, we got up, broke down camp, hooked the Camaro to the back of RV, and headed to Vegas. Yup… VEGAS BABY, Grandma BA was ready to get her gamble on! Along the way we took in the red rocks of Sedona and The Hoover Dam. We spent two nights in Vegas, then headed back to North Carolina taking all the sights in along the way.
Well, we got the boys settled in their new home and made some great memories along the way. Life was good.
To be continued…
