Try Me
September 2018
Lee admitted defeat by early September and entered the murky depths of the internet to find out more about Christian Collingworth and this supposed club he was the proprietor of.
He decided to google Khonsu first. He needed to build up his constitution before facing more detail about the man who was now exclusively enjoying Drew’s company.
“Jesus, really?” He whispered to himself as he read the introductory blurb on the website, sliding further into the sofa in his apartment, almost trying to hide from his actions. The problem was that Drew was and had remained under his skin, whether he shut him down or not. He wrestled with what this recent development was doing to him. Outwardly cold as Jamie had angrily labeled him in recent years, he was never really moved by anything or anyone. And here he was, researching the man who had taken up the position he enjoyed alongside Drew a couple of years before. Their undoing was Drew’s need to shout about their relationship when Lee was only ready to ever whisper, at a push.
Welcome To Khonsu: A Private Members Club
Born of Ancient Egyptian theology. Khonsu, god of the Moon. Khonsu protected his followers, who moved at night. We extend that same promise to you. Our members.
Lee skimmed the ridiculously hubristic text in front of him but part of him began to think. There was a chance he could see Drew again, a deliberate bumping into, sort of speak, and the part that made Lee quietly intrigued by the place:
Confidentiality is paramount. Our member list is never published and if leaks are identified, all members will be faced with significant financial sanctions. Collective outward silence.
Check mate, before the game even starts.
He read on:
A space for the powerful and well connected men of the world to network and relax without fear of judgement or ruin.
Reading between the lines Lee appreciated the sentiment, once you wiped away the pompous delivery. It’s what gay bars and clubs had long forgotten to be, now a cesspit of celebrity and hen parties. This seemed like the epitome, if not an elitist version of, the ‘safe space’ so many bars and clubs claimed passionately to be these days, with nothing to actually substantiate said claim.
He wasn’t sure what had been awoken in him. It wasn’t inverted homophobia or shame, he just didn’t feel worthy or bothered by a pressure to label himself as ‘gay’ or ‘bisexual.’ He was indifferent. He had meat free months, it didn’t mean he was a vegetarian. He reasoned. He thought wanting to be labeled was about being more passionate and militant about ‘the community’ as Jamie and his friends were. Dean became more so at Jamie’s influence. Not a bad thing but just not who Lee needed or wanted to be at that moment. Not then. Not now. Maybe in the future. Too much of an existential question to answer under the influence of jealousy and intrigue.
Next he googled Christian Collingworth.
Christian Collingworth was a London based entrepreneur of fifty. He was a tall gentleman, handsome but not in the striking, imposing sense one would assimilate with Archer genes. Heads wouldn’t turn. Limbs appeared almost too long. Eyes dark, framed by angular features and thin almost obsolete lips. Lee had a shameful chuckle, Drew must adore his conversation. Was that the connection? He pictured Jamie whispering ‘bitch’ in his ear as he giggled momentarily.
A science investor and an advocate for the decriminalisation of an entire alphabet of drugs within Europe. Lee began to think of Collingworth as a mad scientist, the more he read. Perhaps there was some good amongst the crazy, however. That would remain to be seen. If Jamie taught him anything in recent years, don’t be too quick to judge. He understood there were medicinal and therapeutic benefits to highly regulated drugs within Britain. Some of his cases involved exactly those arguments. He refused to debate with himself over that exhaustive argument again for now. He kept casting his eyes over the picture of Drew and Christian. Obviously he went home and book marked the exact article that had caused his and Jamie’s altercation. Drew seemed lost. Stuck in something. Miserable not smouldering. Downtrodden not cocky anymore. What happened?
Lee moved back over to the membership form of Khonsu, hovered a moment, exhaled sharply and tapped over the fields. He pulled out his Amex and signed up. “It’s worth a shot. If I could perhaps just see he’s well.” He muttered to himself as the payment processed for a six month membership. He was by no means frugal but he did wince when the payment was approved. This was as much frivolous as it was bordering on insanity.
That Saturday, as promised in the bumf email that followed, a black BMW 7 Series pulled up and a faceless driver shot a text to Lee’s phone confirming his arrival.
Dressed in a grey suit and white, open collar shirt, Lee made his way quickly to the waiting car. No talk. No interaction. A noncommittal nod between him and the driver and away he went.
The Marylebone property was just off The High Street. Lee was familiar with the area. Typical London for the wealthy. Georgian townhouses lined each street. Expensive cars snaked each pavement. There was a quiet in the area. Almost as if passers by and residence alike knew to ‘sshh’ as they entered the borough. Snaking a few side streets, Lee arrived. The gates into the property put him in mind of Downing Street. Gun mental grey, completely enclosed to the outside world. What happened and who happened here, stayed here. He actually embraced the exclusivity.
He walked to the black gloss door, a butler, or at least a young pretty gent made to look like one, asked for his name. Clicked on an iPad and let him in.
It was no different to any other establishment of this sort. He’d frequented enough of them over the years and even accompanied his father to similar, years before that. Albeit, the clientele was slightly different here.
The atmosphere was thick. A cocktail of heavy colognes fought with the aged leather of the interior. Cigar smoke lapped at his nostrils. What smoking ban? Laws don’t apply to these people.
Mahogany floorboards, almost waxy underfoot. Deep forest green wallpaper embossed with exotic floral freezes, plastered over every wall. Gold imposing paintings and mirrors hung precariously off the walls. Their rarity and history heavy on their hangings. No fluorescent lighting, only ornate chandeliers that hung bloated above, gave off a soft golden light. The foyer and lounges either side of it were littered with card tables, coffee tables holding books and artefacts, seemingly placed to ignite conversation among well travelled and read guests. Leather studded chaise, sofas and wingbacks invited one to sit. Toward the rear of the foyer was a bar, mahogany again, with more seating a-front. A group of attractive and seemingly strategically hired younger men populated the bar, chatting closely with patrons or shaking cocktails. Flashing winning smiles. The sentiment behind them as genuine as a politician’s speech.
As if he was entering the jungle, Lee found himself looking at him from behind a potted, huge Money Tree just at the entrance to the bar. Of course there would be Money Trees, he tried to distract himself.
He looked like he did the last time they met. Lee was relieved. He cut him off because of himself not because of anything Drew did wrong. His feet started moving forward without him noticing. Into the clearing he went.
“You are here then? You are with him?” Lee squinted slightly. He didn’t want to take in the full reality of Drew being in front of him again.
“Oh, fuck. Uh, yes. What am I to say to you?” Drew looked around. As if speaking about any form of past was prohibited. Lee frowned briefly at his nerves, not having seen them before. The unease from the photograph in the article, now animated in front of him. There’s a hierarchy here, Lee sniffed it out immediately. Drew was Christian’s, he was out of bounds. As Drew observed of Lee three years ago, he’s never not won, so this notion didn’t really phase him. He just kept it in mind. “I opened up to you, I told you how I felt and you shut me out.” Drew whispered hurriedly.
Lee refused to dissect what happened in this weird environment. His skin crawled the more he took it in. He needed to know though. He scrunched his eyes shut and blurted quietly, “are you happy and safe here?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t believe you.” He followed up with his statement immediately.
“I’m not your concern and I can’t talk any longer. Everything aside.” He leaned over the bar closer, as subtly as possible. “You look just as good as ever. I miss you everyday but I can’t stay in the shadows.” He was gone. Lee held his scent on his nostrils as long as it would stay. Soapy. Clean. Simple. Drew.
His contemplation was broken.
“Lee, is that you?” A familiar hand on his shoulder.
Harry.
“Fuck.” Lee whispered under his breath and turned, straightening his face. “Harry Jones, how are you? Quite the place, this?” Lee snapped his head to meet Harry with a plastic smile.
“I like it. It’s quiet, not full of screaming twinks drowning in too much alcohol. Those bars are like day care, this is the adult space. But yes, it’s a little avantgarde I’ll give you that.” Harry spread his hands out as if to introduce Lee to his playground.
“Indeed.” Lee wasn’t one for loud body language so nodded neatly.
“Elephant in the room, and remember no one can discuss any part of their experience here, outside, you can trust me anyway, but are you?”
“I’m figuring something out at the moment. I trust you but this did feel like maybe a safe space to understand something in me.” Lee went to the edge of the truth and peered in. Stopping himself from drowning. His toes curled in his shoes. He could hear the leather strain. He cleared his throat.
“I hear you. Anyway, not to pry but that seemed a little more tense than just ordering a whiskey?” Harry raised his eyebrows in intrigue. He seemed to understand this hierarchy too.
“Yeah. Uh, something happened there and I was an arsehole. Long and short of it. Not convinced what he’s doing here is right for him. Not saying I am, but still.” Lee spoke to the floor.
“Oh wow. Secret is safe with me. Dean doesn’t even know I’m a member.”
“Don’t say anything to him. And I kind of think that’s the point? It’s the Freemasons with a better bar.” They both laughed lightly.
“I can’t. You read the sanction warning right? It’s almost perfect. Everyone is contractually bound to shut the fuck up. Take a look around though. The Rolodex for this place is probably the biggest scoop a newspaper could ever get. Politicians, heads of police, actors, high profiles, high net worths. They all frequent this place. Sometimes I drop by just for the sightings. It’s like a fabulous zoo.” Harry giggled. “Christian makes an appearance every now and then. Always in and out of that door over there. Only him and a couple of local politicians, power players and police types ever emerge or disappear through it. Old school mates perhaps?” Harry laughed and tapped his shoulder. Lee smiled flatly. “Take care, Lee.” Harry mimed a zipped lip and went about mixing with other high stakes, low key patrons. Lee nodded.
He took one more look at the bar. Drew, shooting glances trying to be passed off as defiance but simply screamed: of course I still fucking want you, but you won’t fucking grow up. And walked out. He wasn’t going to label himself and put his head through some kind of agonising coming out. In that stilted interaction, he knew. He still knew. It was Drew. Only Drew.
Home, another whiskey down, Lee built his confidence again to say what he couldn’t in person. Realising with dismay he’d deleted Drew’s number he remembered, Drew wrote it on a napkin for him on their pseudo first date. He ran to the kitchen, there, nestled in the untouched utensil draw. He could never get rid of it. He breathed heavily as he created a new contact. Re-adding the number as DG. He fired off his text.
LEE: You’re happy with him then? I refuse to believe you. I hope you’re are actually safe at least. I don’t like the sound of this man you’re apparently seeing. Despite your feelings about me. I’m not a bad person. I’m just who I am. I care hugely for you still. I always will.
It was read half hour later.
No reply. He was comforted by the reading of his words but furious with the silence.
That’s all that followed for months. Silence.
October 2018
In early October Lee received a phone call from his mother.
“Evening my boy. I was wondering if you were free this weekend?” Audrey enquired.
“Hello Ma. I’m free most weekends. I don’t do anything.” Lee was more direct than he intended. Drew’s silence made him want to scream. He could never subject his mother to deflected anger though.
“Are you ok? You sound very flat.” Audrey didn’t want to add on, more than usual. She loved him far too much.
“Sorry to snap Ma. Just a case I’m dealing with at the moment. The defence have got me on the ropes. I don’t like the idea of losing. I’ve never lost a case. I’m not starting now.” Lee wasn’t sure how much of his angst was over the case or was the frustration over the cloud Drew had left hovering over him. No matter how much he tried to ignore it, he knew it was greying his world.
“You’ll always be a winner to me. Just trust yourself. You’re accomplished. The crème de la crème of your field. You’ll know what will clinch the case when you see it.” Audrey had little idea about the intricacies of Lee’s work but a mother’s encouragement was still a mother’s encouragement. Even in your forties. He embraced it.
“Thanks Ma. I love you.” Audrey was the only person Lee allowed for those words to escape him. Part of him churned. It’s what he felt for Drew but wouldn’t permit himself to go there.
“There you go. A little smile I hear. Listen. Dean, Hen, they’re settled, I want that for you. There’s a gorgeous girl I’d love for you to meet. Maria Bo…”
“Booth? Are you serious? She’s like some It girl in town. Ma, her parents are distant relatives of the Windsors for Christ sake.” Lee gripped his phone. The idea of being set up by his mother made him nauseous. Nothing said failed love life like a blind date set up by a parent.
“And? We’re pretty good stock let me remind you. Very good in fact. Look at the stable of champion racers your father and I have created?” She giggled but meant every word. Audrey Archer was the proudest lioness. “It’s just a casual drink if you’re willing? Her mother, Francis and I chair a charity and got talking the other day.”
“No cousins marrying cousins in that family though, no?” Lee teased. The humour surprised him, like hiccups. It just appeared in his throat.
“Don’t be silly. At least second cousins I’m sure of it.” She teased.
“Alright, if it’ll make you happy. That’s fine. Set me up if you have to.” Lee sighed. You can’t fight Mrs Archer. Especially when you’re her son.
Lee was apathetic. Here he was being set up with a beautiful, slightly-removed-from-royalty society girl and he could care less. He hated the idea of using someone as a distraction but the thought of perhaps conversation over a drink in a good bar gave him something to look forward to, at least. He wasn’t done with being with women, that thought never came into consciousness during or post Drew, so maybe there was something to actually invest in with Maria. Was Drew revolving in his mind only as he’d yet to release him and make way for someone else.
Their first meeting in the Savoy a week later went more fluently than Lee anticipated. He dressed in cream chinos, white shirt, unbuttoned at the collar, navy jacket, Rolex and tan brogues. He entered the American Bar and found Maria already there, front and centre, her back to him. He knew of her already, distant acquaintances. Money knows money in London. They both had it. It was early evening and she was dressed for the night. Lee couldn’t help but feel a little excited. He took her in. She was five nine to his six two. Brunette hair styled in a crash of lose curls, dancing over her back. Smart, regal posture. A pencil skirt and chasmere jumper hugged her hips and delicate shoulders. Both navy. A shock of red soles glared back at him. A Chanel classic flap was perched on the bar next to her.
“Good evening, Maria?” He asked quietly.
“Lee. Oh good to see you. God for a moment I thought you might have had second thoughts.” She turned half way. Her make up was natural. Her eyes were large and brown, lips, a nude with almost a frosting. She was soft at her edges but solid. A ballet dancer in the past perhaps, he reflected briefly. Her opening line was disarming. Her voice was strong, a little husky. He could see her holding fought with a group of men in a country pub after a hunt. He was at ease immediately.
“Oh gosh no. Work. Cabs. Tube. Cabs. Tube.” He danced his hands in front of him. It received a little laugh and a tap on his hand.
“I get it. We have the resource to get chauffeured cars to take us everywhere, don’t you just hate being in this city and seemingly never be able to get in the trenches and bloody enjoy it? I love the tube. Just lose yourself in amongst everyone.” She flicked her hair off her shoulder.
Lee began to smile. “Uh, yes I suppose. I’ll fire up the 911 when I can though.” Hiccups again. Not humour now. A flirt.
“Well of course. Can’t keep a fast girl caged up now can we?” With that, she spun her chair to face him completely. She was sexy and formidable. The perfect tiny waist with hips that sloped away like scoops of navy ice cream and a chest that sat neatly in front of her. Nothing revealed. All left to imagination.
“Agreed. Can I get you another?” Lee was keen to sit down and actually talk.
“Whiskey, double, no shit. No ice.” She slapped the bar with her hand as she demanded heartily.
Lee laughed loudly and flagged a barman. He felt refreshed. Maybe this actually was a good idea.
A little later. “Jesus, aren’t mothers busy bodies? What are you early forties? I mean, I’m glad you said yes, you’re pretty easy on the old eyes but they should just butt out.”
“Agreed. Forty five. You are too.” He giggled awkwardly. He hadn’t spoken like this with a woman in so long. “You’re right, they probably should just leave us to it.”
The drinks continued and the conversation flowed just as effortlessly. They’d moved to a pair of facing chairs by the piano. “So tell me Lee, your name is just as known in this town as mine. Your brother, Henry? I admire him. Taking himself off into obscurity to enjoy a quiet family life.” Maria’s leg began to swing back and forth.
“I wouldn’t say obscurity. He’s very brilliant.” Lee was slightly slumped and curling his tumbler in his hand.
“Oh gosh, forgive me. By no means a disparaging observation. I just think it’s admirable to focus on career and family and not cling to London for dear life to make it mean anything. He’s found his happiness and taken it elsewhere. Emily, what a beautiful girl.”
“They’re fantastic.”
“And Dean, there’s a story. What a gorgeous couple. Talk about opposites attract. Love Jamie. Love, love, bloody love him. So fresh and dynamic. I follow him on Instagram. What a beautiful boy.” Maria sat up. Jamie was clearly a topic she wanted to get to. Even on his date, this guy was never too far away.
“He’s something.” Lee smirked.
“You seem reserved when you say that? More passionate about Henry. Why?” She frowned and twirled a lock of her in her finger.
“Over eight years and still don’t fully get him.” Lee offered. Shrugging his shoulders.
“He’s not yours to get. Stop figuring him out. Be happy for your brother. Jamie’s name is held in high regard in fashion and marketing circles, from what I’ve heard. Give him credit, he may be pretty, fun, stylish, but he’s a force. Maybe something you should hear from an outside point of view. He doesn’t need you. You do understand that?” Maria echoed the same argument Jamie had batted back and forth with Lee for years. Some breakthroughs and then irritating set backs from Jamie’s perspective. Lee smiled at her, Jamie had gotten to her too.
“I do. I think that’s my problem. He never seeks my approval but always wants to know I’m on his side.”
“Isn’t that just fair? Sounds like good people to me.” Maria leaned back, Lee took in her breasts subtly. Small but perfect drops on her chest. He couldn’t deny he was attracted. Her no bull shit attitude and ability to stand her ground was inspiring interest in him.
“He is. I just can’t take him seriously.” Lee admitted. That was it. He was always waiting for a punchline where Jamie was concerned.
“What does what you think matter?” Maria jabbed with a smile. Genuinely fascinated as to why Lee thought so much of himself.
“I’m the eldest. It’s just in my nature to protect and be cautious where my brothers aren’t.”
“Oh Jesus. Lee, we’re dealing with professional, smart men here. Jamie did well before he met your brother and may I also remind you, his success since meeting him has nothing to do with your family. It’s all him.” Maria burst, as subtly as outbursts were permitted in the quieting America Bar, now two of only a handful of patrons remaining.
“I…”
“Let me finish. Straight men feel the need to be saved by women. Although they would never admit it. Something left over from childhood I think. They go out into the world needing approval from everyone around them, we’ve badged it up as masculinity and bravado, when actually it couldn’t be further from it. I know I’m generalising but straight men have the world at their feet. They need affirmation, recognition. You need the world to tell you how good you are, or it means nothing. Gay men don’t. They save themselves or each other. They’ve had too. Hard wired too. That’s where you can’t figure him out. Why he isn’t asking to be saved by people. By you. I bet he strives for something like understanding? Just allow him to be him and be happy for him.” Maria straightened with her words. She was clearly passionate.
“Yes. That’s right. Word for word. Maybe there’s truth in your statement about straight men. A little.” He followed up with an indication with his thumb and forefinger of his right hand. Smiling.
“So then. Lee? I know we’ve just met. But maybe, just shut the fuck up and understand who he is. Listen. Congratulate. Encourage. He doesn’t need you. He just wants you in his life by the sounds of it.” She slapped his knee and went to get up. “This was great. I’d love to meet up again maybe? Got to shoot, I direct photoshoots, more a hobby, I don’t need money, it’s fun and I meet so many Jamies, probably your worst nightmare. I’d love to meet THE Jamie one day, though. That would be fantastic.” She made a clicking sound with her tongue, as if it was a shame it hadn’t happened yet. She pecked his cheek. “Be nice to him.”
“I will. Good to see you.”
“Bye.”
She was gone. Lee was confused. He didn’t know if he was actually attracted or had just had a great conversation with a really good friend.
31st December 2018
On the rare moments where Drew found himself alone. With his thoughts, without Christian leering over him, he would pull out his old phone. By chance he’d read Lee’s text when he’d appeared in Khonsu that September, he darent reply, as much as he wanted to.
Christian was overwhelming in his pursuit of Drew. Meeting at a gallery opening two years before. Drew openly admitted to himself there was mutual benefit to the relationship as it developed. Through Christian there was connection and a steady flow of money to support his work. He felt a little hypercritical but it was survival. The relationship had evolved in odd directions in more recent times. Christian was more intense, physically. Demanding of Drew. If Drew paused or questioned, Christian was more than willing to remind Drew of what he had with him at any moment. And that it could be taken away just as quickly. He’d threaten Drew if he didn’t carry out anything he asked. Drew bit his lip and complied on more than one occasion. Usually inhaling a grimace as he did so. He felt too deep inside this complex machine Christian was running to be able to fully peer outside and run. Something in him told him that things were shifting. Christian was becoming more ambitious with his business, more ruthless, from what Drew could gather from conversation he’d overhear from behind or near that door in Khonsu.
This lone moment, he scanned over London gossip articles in his studio on the morning of New Years Eve. Thankful for the brief freedom from Christian. The headline punched him in the gut.
Accomplished Barrister Archer Q.C Steps Out Publicly With New Leading Lady.
Drew’s body ached. He couldn’t help but think Lee was pursuing this abrupt relationship to just send him a message.
“Why are you doing this?” He ran his thumb over Lee’s face in the photo. Lee was looking down. Not wanting to engage with the circus around him. The woman, a tall brunette. Beautiful.
Christian collected Drew from his studio at six that evening.
“Back to the apartment, dress for dinner. Armani suit. We need to be seen out in town. You need to look the part. None of this wet paint and baggy clothes nonsense. I’m not meant to be seen with that, you hear?” He clapped his large hand over Drew’s knee. Drew paused, processing yet again the fact Christian had little regard for him as a person. He was a beautiful object to be seen with it would seem, and little more.
“Yes. Of course. I’ll be quick.” Everything about his life was fast becoming completely consumed by Christian’s expectations, wants, needs, desires. Even his time was now Christian’s. His art was made to order, he wasn’t an artist, he was a print press at this point. He hated it. He hated the alternative even more.
“Excellent. You know what’s good for you.” The tapping of his knee made Drew want to smash Christian’s face into the glass of the Range Rover’s door.
COYA Mayfair
Drew sat with Christian. “You’ll have what I choose. I know this place. You’re about as worldly as a Hackney cab.” Christian laughed. His remarks always designed to position Drew as the subservient, ever grateful learner.
Drew just nodded as he saw him walking in. He was glad of the distraction, regardless of how precarious the situation was. Christian had eyes everywhere.
“Anything you want.” Drew continued to eye Lee out of the corner of his eyes as he slipped into a booth further down from them. Now facing each other, if Lee would just look the fuck up. Look at me. Just let me see your eyes, Tiger.
Lee sat and thought he’d recognised a familiar shaved head. As if the question carried to the gentleman, Drew’s eyes met his. Christian and Maria none the wiser as to what was unfolding.
He looked wrong. A suit? That’s not you. I never tried to make you change. Why for him? Look at me. Say you’re going to the bathroom, just so I can see you alone.
Both conversations became stilted. Forced. Energies only for the eyes of the other. Maria and Christian were drowned out.
“I think we should look at skiing in the new year, darling?” Maria asked.
“Pardon? Yeah. Whatever. Look, will you excuse me a moment.” Lee didn’t wait for an answer and bolted for the men’s room.
Drew clocked him. “Christian, I’ll be back.”
Christian’s hand clasped over his. “Five minutes.” A command.
Drew huffed and walked as slowly as he could allow himself in the direction of the men’s room. He half wanted to kiss Lee as soon as seeing him but he wanted to show how angry he was still, too. He almost didn’t care Christian may have eyes already trained on him.
The men’s room was quiet. A flush and a cubicle door opened, Lee came out sheepishly.
“What the hell are you doing with her? You can’t be serious.” Drew marched up to him. The familiar flare in the nostrils back. The beautiful furrow of his brow. Lee was in love.
“Why not? You’re otherwise engaged. Is it a problem?” Lee was cold, cocky. He had to be. I love you. I can’t be with you. I miss you. I hate this. I hate him. I know you’re not safe.
“You sent that message, you can’t be genuinely into that woman if you sent that after all this time? And coming to see me? Don’t tell me you went there for any other reason.” Drew moved closer. Not like their first meeting. This time he stopped himself before coming too close.
“Like you said. You’re not my concern anymore and I’m no longer yours.” Lee leaned against the vanity, facing Drew. It was killing him trying to be indifferent. Underneath his cotton shirt his heart was racing.
Drew huffed and lunged at Lee, finally. Going to push his forearm under his chin but stopping and squeezing his face between his palms. “It’s all bullshit Lee. I know you want me. Tell me you wouldn’t do it if I told you to fuck me right here right now?” His lips whitening from gripping his teeth beneath. His breath shuddering.
Lee grabbed his hand and kissed his palm. “Try me.”
Drew groaned. “I won’t let you near me. You won’t say what I need to hear.” He slipped his hand down Lee’s chest to his belt.
Lee continued to run his mouth over his palm. Wet lips and hot breath making Drew’s insides burn. The breath shuddering becoming a physical tremble.
“You still can’t fucking say the words.” Drew whispered. His hand fell to Lee’s crotch. He missed the solidness of Lee. Their perfect sexual dynamic. Not the weird, missionary distractions that Christian gave him. Christian would finish in self congratulation as if he’d fucked for hours, in reality it was a few flaccid shoves. The most ridiculous, “grab my arse,” would signal he was done. Christian had no arse. It was flat. Like his charisma.
“I thought we were happy with what we had. Clearly I was wrong. I care a lot for you. But that word, it’s dangerous.” Lee pushed his crotch forward. Willing Drew to do something.
“Then fucking say it. It’s been nearly two years. Fucking say it.” Drew grabbed Lee’s crotch firmly. Finally. “I have your balls in my fucking hand. Will you do it now?” Drew turned his fist gently against Lee’s cheek but meant it. Lee huffed with pain but almost entirely with greed. Keep going. I’ll fuck you right now. His night, his year was complete. His cock back in Drew’s hand, even if briefly.
“I. I. I…”
“You can’t. Lee, you say it through everything else but words. I’ll wait. I’m tough. I’ve been through worse. Test my patience, you will lose this. When you’re ready I’ll be here. I mean it. Until then. None of me is yours. I won’t be used.” He dropped his hand. Lee had to swallow, that painful white hot at the end of him almost made him fill his boxers. “Your girlfriend is beautiful. Don’t hurt her to get at me. She’s too innocent for that. I’ve fought before, I’ll do it again, but I won’t watch beautiful women be used as collateral. Fuck you for that.” He slapped the vanity mirror, inches from Lee’s face and stormed out. On the way back, Drew stole a sniff of his hand to savour Lee’s musk. He paused, waiting for the heaviness forming in his trousers to subside before going back to flat arses and Range Rovers.
Lee turned to the vanity and smacked his head against the mirror. He couldn’t bring himself to send those words out into the world. His world was on his terms and no one would turn the axis apart from him. Not even Drew.
They didn’t see each other again for months.
At his apartment the clock struck twelve. Lee kissed Maria. He hated himself for thinking of Drew while his tongue met hers. But it made him kiss deeper. More hungrily. Too much. “Lee, what was that?” She pushed him away.
“I’m sorry. Too carried away. Call it a night? Happy New Year.” He said flatly and didn’t wait for an answer.
Maria followed silently.
In bed, their backs to each other, he scanned his phone. Nothing from Drew. He didn’t know why he expected to see anything. Then he checked his emails and smiled.
Happy New Year in advance! I’m in London for the marathon in April. You running? We should meet up. Heading to a charity event in the evening, I think Jamie fronted the campaign. Maybe I’ll get to meet the man who finally tamed the beast. Not been home in years. Will Dean be around? I understand if that’s not appropriate.
Anyway,
Speak soon.
R.
Author’s Note: Apologies for the delay. I’ve been struck down by a virus this past week. But I’m back on track. Will be having new chapters out a little more regularly hopefully. Thanks for continued support, the feedback has been truly wonderful.
We’re getting closer, hold on tight!
