Fuck The Paint
The following week two brothers embarked on new trajectories in their lives. One taking the first steps of marriage in Italy’s capital and the other quietly exploring a recent connection.
Rome
After spending a few days taking in the city Dean was already engineering more special moments for Jamie to experience. A self confessed petrol head, despite appearances, Dean wanted to make sure Jamie had the epitome in Italian automotive style to drive them out of Rome and onto the Amalfi Coast.
“Just bring your favourite Louis, pack light, we won’t need much for the next part of the trip.” Dean was shoving comfortable clothes into his charcoal Bottega hold-all.
“Archer? What are you planning now?” Jamie wiggled his eyebrows. They would return to the apartment they had rented in the city in a week, then board Hugo’s yacht to take them through the Mediterranean, before flying home in mid September.
“Don’t ask questions. Pack. I’ll meet you outside in five. Don’t be late.” He slipped his Oliver Peoples sunglasses over his nose. Plain black, no fuss. Jamie thought he was achingly cute in them. Younger some how. Dean’s lips went into a satisfied smile and he left. Arden, outsmarted again. He could get used to this.
Jamie went through the entryway out into the cobbled street below their quaint apartment. Dean was leaning against a beautiful machine. “Italian enough for ya?” Dean spread his arms up, proud.
“What the fuck?” Jamie ran to him and slid his hand over the gleaming metal. That Rosso Corsa red. Iconic. The unmistakable Pininfarina lines. “Oh Dean, she’s beautiful.” He stroked Dean’s chin and stood back to take a photograph. Capturing Dean in his navy chino shorts and mint green linen shirt. His skin was becoming more golden by the hour. A flash of his chest hair. Jamie bit his lip and gave out a subtle groan as he hit the camera icon.
“My car nut husband needs only the best to explore the rest of this country. A Ferrari F50 convertible. Ready to ride, baby?” Dean ran his hand along the door and his lip disappeared behind his teeth, locking eyes with him. Jamie could have given into him there and then. Only the discomfort of boiling cobbles below them stopping him. The slight glint of sweat already building on Dean’s brow. The hand on the hot metal. The snarl. Fuck.
“Always.” Jamie went to him. He dropped into the passenger seat as Dean started the engine. The beautiful eruption of the V12, Dean’s thigh tensing on the accelerator, his forearm braced against the steering wheel. Jamie groaned. “Drive me fucking crazy, Archer.” He slapped Dean’s thigh, threatingly close to his mound. “You did good, Big Boy. Take me into Italy and have your way with me.”
“I intend to.” He snapped another grin. His smile as shiny as the chrome in the cockpit. He revved once more and growled at Jamie playfully. Away they went. Smug. Happy. Married.
Jamie posted to his instagram. ‘My Italian Stallion.’ Instantly likes flooded his notifications. He giggled at the comments:
THIS IS SO UNFAIR. HE’S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL
BEST CAPTION
HUBAND LOTTERY WON
And one from Lars that made him giggle even more:
FUCK YOU. BOTH OF YOU. LOVE YOU. BOTH OF YOU.
Jamie threw his phone in the bag between his legs, stretched and let the moment drench him. He didn’t care how Dean managed to get his hands on the rare Ferrari for the week. Dean’s hand slapped to his thigh. The smell of petrol, the hot metal, the sun, the sweat, Dean’s muscles guiding their machine, he closed his thighs round Dean’s hand and pushed it further up into his waiting crotch. “Oh Big Boy.” He whispered as Dean hit the accelerator. The crackle of the exhaust woke the sleepy pavements up around them. Espresso cups clattered.
“Ragazzi stupidi!” A waiter shouted.
Yes they were being stupid boys but they didn’t care.
London
Back in London that week, the weather finally broke. Humid rain stifled the city.
“Drew? Sorry to disturb you but a large parcel has arrived at the catering office for you. I know you’re not due to work on another event for a few days, but maybe you should see this.” Drew’s manager at the catering company that had been assigned to the wedding sounded happily confused while delivering the news over the phone.
“Hey Mandy. Odd. Ok, I’ll be in this afternoon. And yes, I’ll wash my hands so not to get paint in your lovely office.” Drew teased.
“Oh you’re such a good boy. Great see you then.” Mandy said chirpily.
That afternoon.
“So what you got for me darlin’?” Drew sauntered into the office. Hands in the pockets of his low slung cargo trousers. Always the cheeky boy wherever he was. His streetwise attitude could be intimidating to those who didn’t need to mix with his kind. Mandy his manager, on the other hand, thought he was the most pure of souls. Only goodness in his heart. A surrogate mother. Always looking out for him. He repeatedly told her to not worry about him. It never worked.
“You need someone to worry about you. I’m happy to do it.” He couldn’t argue. She was precious.
“There you are. It’s in my office. Open it. I want all the details!” She clasped her hands together in excitement.
“Cheers, I’ll take a look.” He flashed his smile.
He went into the office and turned the box around. By one hand then the other. “Hmm.” He giggled to himself and pulled off the lid of the box. Red roses. “Wow.” He sat back and took in the beautiful bouquet. He got up and went back and noticed a card. He ripped it open and laughed, hand to face. Surely not.
Drew,
It’s true I felt a connection. I want to apologise once again for my behaviour when we first spoke at the wedding.
I’m not hugely proficient in how to do this, I heard roses are a good start. I hope they make you smile. You made me smile. I have been doing so for quite a few days now. In my own way.
I’m not quite sure what it is you’ve done to me. I’m intrigued by you. I’m impressed by you. I want to get to know you.
I’m very new to anything like this. If you think I’m worth talking to by a woods again, or maybe somewhere a little more comfortable, please reach out.
I await your reply. If I deserve one.
L.
P.S. Being the brother of one of the grooms allowed me track down the catering and bar service used. Sorry to come across immediately creepy.
Drew sat back and stretched out his arms. “What a babe.” He whispered to himself.
Lee’s contact details were left in a business card. Obviously. Yes he was new to this. Drew laughed again. The effort was so sweet. He grabbed his phone straight away.
DREW: Hello Mr Archer. Wasn’t this a surpirse today. You’re very sweet. If I didn’t give you the scare last week, I’m absolutely up for seeing you again. We can take our time. Let’s get to know each other. I’ll try not to show you up with my East End ways. Posh boy.
LEE: Morning Drew. I’m glad the gesture was well received. I’m a low key kind of man. Is that acceptable? I understand if having too many conditions around exploring our ‘connection’ is too much.
DREW: Will you fucking relax? It’s fine. I like you. You’re arrogant and awkward. But you’re more than that, too. I can tell. I think there’s a sweet man in there somewhere if you’d just let him out. Name a time and place and we can talk again.
LEE: I appreciate your words. I think. I don’t know if this is too forward or presumptive (again) but would you be available maybe this evening?
Drew laughed. Time to wind him up.
DREW: That is presumptive.
LEE: I apologise. I’ll leave it with you. If you are free sometime soon, please let me know.
“Fuck, he’s breaking my heart.” He whispered to himself. His smile almost at his ears.
DREW: I said relax. I’m kidding. Get a sense of humour, Lee. Yes I’m free.
LEE: I see. As I said, new to this. I’ll pick you up. Maybe we can grab a bite somewhere out of the city.
Drew accepted and sent him his address.
LEE: I’ll message when outside. Black Porsche.
DREW: Obviously. I didn’t think you’d turn up in a clapped out Ford Cortina.
Lee liked the response. Drew chuckled to himself and ran his hands over his head. Lee was an arsehole during their first interaction but Drew knew there was a cute, nervous, socially awkward man behind the cool exterior. A heartbeat beginning to thud.
8PM that Monday evening, Lee pulled up outside the wall of flats where Drew lived. Local teenagers began to crowd around his car. A black Porsche 911. Lee gripped the steering wheel and breathed out silently. Nothing phased him. Not even this area of east London where he would never ordinarily frequent. Nor the gangs circling the car. The only thing phasing him was having Drew back in the same air as him. He wanted it. Anxious with anticipation.
LEE: Outside
Drew was in the window and giggling. Not at the car, just the way it all looked wrong. He didn’t want to make him more uncomfortable so ran downstairs.
“Alright lads? How about we fuck off and just look with our eyes ey?! Nice piece ‘o’ kit ain’t it?” Drew swooped in front of the car. Lee kept his face flat but he was screaming with pride inside. “I’ll fuckin’ ave ya otherwise. Ya little shits. Passed your bed time anyway, get back inside and stop stressin’ ya ma’s!” His hand went out pointing to the block of flats.
“Nice wheels Drew! You got it. Mam know’s where we are.” They sparred. It was all good hearted. The boys looked at him adoringly. Lee felt a little guilty. They were only about fifteen. He remembered Drew’s lecture about other worlds making a connection again. This was real life. It was fun, good hearted not stuffy and all pretence.
“Good lads.” He clicked his fingers and knelt into their faces. “Now scarper ya lil basrards! It’s unsafe out here for you lot. You’re pains in the arse but we want you safe. Fuck off. We’ll ‘ave a kick about on the weekend, yeah?” Drew got to the door.
“Cool! Cheers Drew!” A clatter of trainers made for the flats.
The door opened with a pop. “Fuck, sorry about them. They mean no harm but I know it would have been a little uncomfortable for you. We’re magpies over here. Anything shiny, we want a look.” Drew settled into the seat. His accent softened next to Lee. Not as harsh as it was with the boys.
“Why do you do that?” Lee looked forward.
“Huh? What?” Drew busied himself with his seatbelt. Black leather cargo trousers screeching on Lee’s suede seats. His oversized white vest wafting his soapy fragrance through the car. Lee consciously breathed in deeply. Tensing on the wheel again.
“You spoke differently with them to how you speak to me. Why? If you speak like them, don’t change in front of me. I didn’t ask you to.” Lee pulled away out of the car park. The power in the car made Drew startle at the bonnet.
“Shit, this thing’s got some grunt ain’t she? Uh, habit I suppose. Truth? I’m more the way I speak between us than out there with them. They just respond better if you mirror them. Children stuff. It’s easy. I do some children groups in the flats. My time in care keeps these little bastards in check. Childminder, football coach, you name it.” Drew settled and looked at Lee. “Where you taking me Lee? It’s good to see you. Are you ok? Thanks again for the roses you charmer.” He dropped a hand over Lee’s on the gearshift. He didn’t know what to expect. He felt the brush of Lee’s thumb over his. He clamped down. Good start.
“I didn’t know you did so much. I’m glad you agreed to see me tonight. Your hand feels good. I like that. And again, you’re welcome.” Lee hadn’t looked up once. Drew looked at his side profile. His Adam’s apple swallowing like he hadn’t had water in days. Drew smiled. Lee had immense power under his foot but in the car, Drew was commanding the energy. He didn’t take advantage. That wasn’t Drew’s style.
“We’re going at your pace remember? Whatever you’re comfortable with. Tell me. How fast does this bitch go?” Drew settled into his seat and giggled. He lifted there intertwined hands onto his stomach and squeezed a little harder. Grinning at his reflection in the window. Smitten. He decided the car was neutral ground on which to build conversation. Easing Lee in gently.
“Fast.” Lee fired the accelerator and Drew screamed.
“Wahoo! Let’s fuckin’ rock!” Window down, tapping the roof.
Lee finally broke his mask and giggled. His lips parting.
“He laughs! He can have a good time, people! Who’d have thought?!” Drew shouted into the black beyond the window.
“Ok. No need to take the mick out of me. Keep holding my hand. We’ll be there in about thirty minutes.” Lee ran his thumb over his lip and slipped a glance at Drew. The traffic lights went red. Drew met his eyes. He pulled Lee’s jaw gently.
“Time was up last time. We have all night. I’m going to kiss you now. Say nothing. Enjoy it. See how you feel. How I make you feel. I want to know.” The kiss was light, tenentive, inviting. Letting Lee decide. Drew heard the smallest gasp. Minty. Clean.
“Worth the wait. And thank you. I appreciate your patience.” Lee let Drew unravel himself back to his seat.
“I’m a good guy Lee. Trust me. I know I’m in good hands with you. Same with me. Now, drive this bad girl out of the shitty city and take me somewhere where we can talk. I want to look at your face all night.” Drew grabbed the hook above the door with his left arm and still held Lee’s hand with the right. Still across his stomach.
“I’d like that. You’ve got it.” Lee said quietly. Lights green. Away they went.
Drew and Lee spoke in stalled bursts while they drove. It wasn’t an indication to either that this felt forced, following the first encounter, this wasn’t a mistake. There was an eagerness between them. They wanted to hit a flow. Drew snuck glances at Lee. Lee, the same. Lee loosened and loosened as the drive continued. His quick turns from the windscreen lasted longer and longer, his face more animated each time.
Drew began to acclimatise to this man bedside him. He was immaculate in every part of his life. His appearance. His career. His family. His car. Everything was perfect. Drew decided though, that there was some other parts of him screaming underneath, that Lee should let out to meet the world. There was a wicked twinkle in his eye. A reserved laugh, trying hard to be an outburst at acerbic quips from Drew. Steps were being taken. Drew would draw out the other side of Lee. No pressure. See what happens. He was excited.
They pulled into the gravel car park of a sprawling mansion turned hotel. “Well isn’t this sickeningly perfect.” Drew almost squashed his head to the windscreen. Taking in the sandstone building with lead trimmed windows. Large parasols dotted the lushgreen garden ahead of them. Patrons taking in the last of the August sun that had now returned. British summer weather was always unpredictable. Typically in Britain, a touch of cashmere, chiffon or linen, draped over shoulders to combat that ‘nip’ in the air, across every shoulder in front of them.
“We can go somewhere else if you prefer? I apologise I just thought this would be a good neutral ground to get to know each other.”
Drew finally let go of his hand and slapped his thigh. Lee felt a jolt deep in his stomach. “Lee? It’s great. Loosen up. Get out and take me on our date.” He squeezed his knee and got out.
“Are we on a date? Is that ok?” Lee got out of the car and clicked his fob. Darting his eyes over the car, the hotel, the beer garden. Then Drew.
“Such a powerful man in life yet so unsure with me. You’re adorable. Yes. No arguments. You are sentenced to an evening of talking to me. Take him down.” Drew giggled and shoved his hands in his pockets. Lee took in his arms. Skin pale and smooth. His muscles were pronounced but not inflated. Lee could picture him lost in creating a piece on canvas. Those elegant limbs dragging large strokes over the blank space in front of him. That pout becoming more intense the more his work came to life.
Lee laughed quietly. “Alright then. Let’s do this.”
They found a small table, it was gnarled and wobbly. Completely imperfect. A relic from yesteryear. Lee noticed he didn’t care. This kind of imperfection usually would make him circle a restaurant or bar for another table and even leave if he couldn’t find one that satisfied him.
“Tell me, Lee. Tell me about the newly weds. I’ve worked a lot of those gigs but something about that day was different. Not you, that’s another talking point. It’s like I could feel how they felt about each other. It looked like mega bucks were spent but every detail seemed to mean something.” Drew sat back and laced his hands behind his head.
“Well, Dean, he’s the youngest of the three of us, he met Jamie five years ago. I don’t know, they’re completely different but seeing them together it’s crazy, it just works. I gave Jamie a tough time. I still do. I shouldn’t but I feel like I need to sometimes.” Lee spoke as he usually did. Flat, almost monotone but there were surprising bursts of enthusiasm where his big Archer blue eyes would meet Drew and catch him off guard. Drew was an intense soul but Lee’s eyes were beginning to find a way through the angst he carried against the world.
“He’s not who you pictured Dean with is he?” Drew enquired.
“No. Dean only had one great love before Jamie. Rupert. He was local to our childhood home. I think he lives in New York now. Works in advertising. I tentatively stay in touch. I shouldn’t but I do. Anyway. He was well educated, monied, smart, quiet.” Lee reeled off Rupert’s qualifications. The certainty he listed them with made Drew smirk. Like he was reading a recipe for the perfect suitor for his brother. No need for emotional connection or complications. Just these things is all you should need.
“Oh I see. Jamie broke the mould. A little. He’s all those things but not quite what you had in mind. I love him already for that. Sorry. I read up on him. He’s a kind of celebrity in town. He’s pretty formidable himself though? Amazing career, fashion darling, insanely handsome husband. What’s the problem?” Drew’s eyebrows furrowed. Drew would not think twice about walking if the answer he got was shallow and closed minded. He leaned in, bracing for Lee’s answer.
Lee sat up. He knew he needed to give an answer that didn’t make him come across as a complete arsehole. “I hate change. Hence taking this at a painfully slow pace. I’m already expecting you to bore of me by the end of the night….”
“I won’t. Carry on.” Drew refused to take the conversation anywhere else just yet. He didn’t show it but he did think it was comical watching Lee’s hints at discomfort and not being completely in control.
“Ok. That’s good to know. He’s just unpredictable, a little mad. I just translated all that as trouble.” Lee raised his palms in defence.
“Isn’t that Dean’s name for him? I heard the speech. ‘To Trouble.’” Drew raised his glass and smirked again. “That’s so sweet, it shows Dean has embraced who Jamie is. Rupert may have been a good fit, like you need a good pair of walking shoes. But Jamie is the impractical, beautiful pair you just have to have. They make you feel fantastic. They hurt you sometimes but it’s worth it.”
“That an ironic analogy. He’s obsessed with shoes. He spends.”
“Lee?”
“Yes?”
“Shut up and don’t judge. I’m not stupid. That car is worth how much? Seventy, maybe eighty grand? Your watch? Twenty? Your parents home? A few million at least. Jamie buying some nice shoes is hardly a problem. Stop looking for them. I don’t even know him and I think he’s great. Outside the court room, don’t place guilt on people who’ve done nothing wrong. So what he loves fashion? Who cares. Dean loves him. I noticed something later in the day. Dean can’t take his eyes off Jamie. Like, at all. It was actually incredible.”
“I know. Despite all that, I love the guy. He’s got this way of looking at the world. He was chronically bullied when he was younger and he’s vastly insecure. Even with all his energy and bravado, he needs reminding how brilliant he is. Sorry to sound so judgemental but it’s my big brother protectiveness coming in. I love my family that’s all. I’m not an overly emotional person but I do care.” Lee sighed and leant back. Drew took in the hint of his chest in his plain white shirt. “But, he’s one of us now. Another one I need to look out for. I don’t mind. I do love him, I just can’t figure him out. I know he likes to spar with me.” He giggled. “To Trouble.”
They clinked their glasses together.
“Don’t apologise. I get it. I’m an only kid but I’ve grown up with a lot of foster kids around me. I hope they’re all doing well these days. It’s the only thing I’d like to do from my past. Meet up with them again. Us care kids carry so much we never talk about, thankfully mine comes out in my art. Others will have it come out in crime and cycles of abuse. No one wants to listen though. We are the problem apparently not the product of it. We don’t deserve help so it seems. We should be eternally grateful. That’s how we’ve been handled. ”
Lee sighed. This was Drew’s identity. This was Drew opening up. He needed to care for the story being floated in front of him. He leaned forward. He thought about it, then did it, he grabbed Drew’s hand. “You’re amazing. You hold down multiple jobs, you create art, you’re concerned for children’s welfare, you’ll even give me the time of day when you could have ignored me following my piggish behaviour. You’re brilliant.” Lee smiled warmly for the first time all evening, possibly for the first time all year. He felt cracks forming over his face. Muscles he didn’t even know existed were twitching with the life coming into his face.
Drew froze then his eyes met Lee’s. That permanent frown began to flatten. The pout, now a smile. “You think so? That means a lot. Coming from someone like you. I know you’re respectable, as a result hard to impress so hearing that is really something. Thank you.” Drew pulled his hand over Lee’s. They smiled for what seemed like hours, letting their little breakthrough hang between them.
“Don’t do that. Don’t put me on a pedestal. We’re equals here. Like you said before, just because we have different backgrounds doesn’t mean we can’t speak. But I do mean it. You impress me.” Lee gripped his hand a little more. Subtle but that was Lee’s way. Lee opened up even more. “You know, I’ve never really invested in dating. But I look at those two and I’ve started to think about it. Jamie gave me some home truths that have made me look at my self. To say Jamie has changed Dean is an understatement, maybe me a little too. He wasn’t needing to be changed before but he has. It’s like Jamie gave him permission to improve himself. He’s less insular, more positive, doesn’t care about small things as much as he did in the past. He even told me Jamie knew exactly what to do when he walked in on him mid panic attack. The wedding? Jamie’s main concern was making sure Dean didn’t panic. He even said he’d have a private registry office ceremony to save him the pressure. So yeah, he is fantastic.”
“Sounds it. Looks can be deceiving, Lee. I’m sorry but I think this might just be a case you may lose.” Drew teased.
“Gladly. I mean it.”
“Why haven’t you? I mean dated. You’re a catch.”
“I appreciate that. I don’t know. My family, we all care but when you see your parents, grandparents, brothers all massively successful it makes it hard to give energy to anything else. I think I’m just wired slightly differently.”
“I’m sure they would be happy for you, whatever path you take. None of you got involved with the family business did you? Sorry, I did a bit of research, you guys crop up in a few articles here and there, especially your father. You know all three of you were on the London Forty Bachelors Under Forty a few years ago? Forty one now though aren’t we Lee?” Drew sparred. Raising his eyebrows.
“I am indeed. Thank you for the reminder.” Lee squeezed Drew’s hand in retaliation. Drew felt a fizz of something inside. “I don’t pay attention to stuff like that. That’s true, they told us to do our own thing, the business is there for us but it’s not a default.”
“They sound like good people to me. Maybe put yourself under less pressure if no one else actually is? I’m not preaching but maybe something to think about.” Drew took another swig of his sparkling water.
“I know. You’re really aware of me. I like that too. Can you tell me about your life? I do really want to know about how you ended up being an artist.”
“You don’t have to humour me. Honestly.”
“I’m not. Art is exciting. I love expression. I just wish I could get a hold of expressing myself more. Just seem to get it wrong.”
“You just need to feel. Leave everything go. No one is looking. And if they are, well they should be happy for you or get fucked.”
“Are you sure you and Jamie don’t know each other?” He giggled as much he would allow himself.
“We don’t but I know of him as a matter of fact. Very vaguely. Some mutual contacts know him from the fashion scene. Never heard a bad word about him.”
“Enough about my brother in law. I know he’s a good guy. Tell me. If it’s too much I apologise for prying,”
“It’s not too much. But thank you for checking. Where do I start? I don’t know much. My father is or was completely off grid. Don’t know who he is. My mother, teenager, drugs, alcohol. Mess. Not her fault but she did choose that over me, ultimately. I was taken away to a baby unit, then into foster care. I was so angry I went in and out of those places until I was eighteen. I was too much for adoption. A lost cause. A mum and dad would have been pretty nice but that just wasn’t my path.”
“My gosh, you’ve been through so much.” Lee let his fingers stroke Drew’s hand. Drew shifted and pulled in closer on the table.
“There’s been a lot to deal with. I was a terror. I’m not even sorry for my behaviour. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Anyway, I started noticing graffiti and really loved the colours and freedom of expression in the designs I found. My last foster home, my carer had some art books in the house and I just devoured them. It was love from then on. The East End is a brilliant place, everyone is tough but friendly. Got my work space off a friend and now I have my own studio to create in. I’m actually really proud of it.” Drew smiled. Lee softened again.
“You should be. I’m sat with an actual artist.” Lee lent back and smiled at Drew. He liked him. Everything. He was handsome. Intense. Something about him needed caring for and Lee wanted to be there to protect it.
“I’m sat with a barrister!” Drew raised his hands in celebration.
“Oh shut up.” Lee came back into their huddle and laughed. He paused but decided he’d ask. “It’s late. I want to ask you something.”
“Ok.”
“Will you stay with me here tonight? I don’t want anything to happen. But I want to lie with you. You seem like a good person to lie with.” Lee looked down at the table as he asked.
“Lee? Look at me please.”
“Yes?”
“I will. Whatever you need.”
They got to the room. Small but plush and luxurious. Mountains of fabrics layered over the bed of golds and creams. Heavy curtains and thankful air conditioning gave a calming balm to the late August air.
Drew ripped off his vest and bounced onto the bed and lay down first. “Oh ok. Mind if I stay with all my clothes on for now?” Lee was a little shocked at Drew’s casual removal of clothing.
“Shit, sorry. Force of habit. I’ll put my top back on.” Drew went to scramble to cover up.
“No.” Lee put his hand out to stop him. “I like that. Uh, your body is really great.” Lee tried desperately to express himself as best he could.
“Thanks. I don’t work out much just have to be on the go all the time.” Drew silently acknowledged the effort but he thought that brining attention to Lee’s stunted attempt in flirtation would likely make him retreat. So he glazed over it.
“I get that. I’m at a desk or in court so need to work out. Keep me in shape.” Lee tapped his stomach. A little confidence building again.
“Keep doing it. You’re hot.” Lee giggled and looked away at the complement.
“It’s weird hearing you say things like that. I like them but I don’t know what to do with them.” Lee started to look around the room, like he was actually trying to find a neat and tidy place to put Drew’s flirtatious words.
“How about nothing? Just accept them. Will you quit standing there like you’re waiting for a bus and just come lie down.”
They dropped off to sleep. Pretty much immediately. Or ar least Drew tried too. He sneaked a glance at Lee. He was sleeping. His long eye lashes pressed gently against his lower lids. His skin was pale. Free of imperfection. The bristles peppered over his jaw. Like the most manicured of lawns. Beautifully rugged but kept in shape from hours of grooming Drew surmised. His nose, straight, a perfect angle from brow to the top of the lip. Those lips. The archer Cupid’s Bow. Always about to kiss. Lee looked so romantic for someone who kept emotion locked away. Drew wanted to stroke his face but resisted. It must have been his gaze but Drew did nod off.
The anxiousness that kept Drew awake must have transferred to Lee, his eyes ruffled open and his gaze focussed on Drew. Sleeping peacefully. It struck Lee just how much emotion, trauma must be being processed in that cropped haired head of his. A prickly casing for a sea swirl of thoughts, feelings and angst. His brow, he was fascinated by it. Drew’s was pronounced, almost a perfect characriture of a man: what the perfect man looks like when an animator designs their characters for screen or print. His nose, always flaring at the nostrils, always a hint of anger. Not at the world around him, but the world he came from. Drew in sleep was much like he was in life, kind, striking, empathetic but never shying away from his demons. Lee didn’t feel worthy lying next to him. He felt privileged somehow. That Drew had given him a second chance.
Around two in the morning Drew was restless again, usually he’d take a sleeping tablet to settle his mind but forgot them in this unplanned overnight. He turned from the wall to face Lee.
He met his eyes. There was a longing in them. Had he been asleep or had he watched Drew the entire time?
“Hi.” Drew whispered.
“Hello.” Lee responsed. With nerves. “I’m done taking time. Will you kiss me again?”
“Of course.” Drew whispered. He leaned over gently and pressed his lips against Lee’s. It was more firm than the time at the wedding. This time, Lee moved with Drew and without a thought brought his palm to the back of Drew’s head to hold him. His close cut hair like velvet under his finger tips.
Their breathing quickened. Lee’s hand began to fall to Drew’s stomach and wonder over his torso. Drew began to laugh and pulled away.
“Hey there Tiger. Let’s take things slow. I know you’ve started exploring but I’m not going let you make yourself uncomfortable. Being honest? I respect you too much.”
“I’m sorry. I think I got caught up in the moment. Will you sleep on my chest at least? I’d like to feel your head on me. Is that strange?”
“I will. No. I think you’re just beginning to feel. That’s good. But, let’s take things slow. One day you’ll just know when you’re ready. Something will change in you and you won’t need a midnight kiss to realise you want more. And, I’ll be waiting for you.”
They fell asleep and didn’t wake until morning. Lee opened his eyes and felt lighter. He startled upright in bed. Drew was gone. His phone buzzed.
DREW: I left early this morning. I’m not disappearing. I wanted to give you space this morning. You either woke up relieved I’m not there. That’s best for both of us, if so, that I’m not there for that. Or, you woke up disappointed. If you did, I’m sorry and I don’t want to be mean. But it’ll confirm for you that you want this to grow. You need space to feel. I’ll be here when you’re ready. Drew.
Lee lay back and ran his thumb over his message. He replied. His eyebrows furrowed. Slightly taken aback by the gentleness of Drew’s approach but appreciating it all the same.
LEE: Good morning. I know I’m emotionally aloof but I think you’re right. I’m starting to acknowledge my feelings rather than ignore them. It actually feels great. Thank you for that. And, definitely the second one. I think you’re still a little mean though.
Drew giggled at the message as he reached his studio. A little joke. Well done Lee. We’re getting there.
DREW: When you’re ready, drop by my studio. I’ll be here.
It got the Friday of that week and Drew was feeling a little nervous. Despite assurances in the message on Tuesday morning, he hadn’t heard anything. He felt he’d be contradicting his promise of space if he checked in. He held on and busied himself in the studio. It was late. Outside the windows of the studio were purple and pink. Drew took inspiration.
Lee parked up at the address in Whitechapel. He always admired London architecture. These areas, the ones that were a little less spoilt and gentrified than the rest of the of it, made him feel a more alive. He allowed himself a laugh, remembering Jamie talk about how if walls could talk all over this town. He got out and took in the building. Easily a Victorian warehouse maybe even workhouse. Probably playing host to so many rich pieces of history in the city. Maybe a home, an orphanage, a munition store, maybe in the eighties and nineties, a perfect back drop for heroin chic fashion spreads. Worlds and events colliding, decade after decade. The red brick was gnarled and brooding. Completely honest. Like the artist inside.
Lee scaled the stairs, wrought iron. Affixed hastily Lee thought, once owners remembered there actually was no way to get to the first floor, only afterward. He was light on his feet. This needed to be an ambush. Lovely, but an ambush.
Music was blaring and there was a rustle of sheeting, pots and paintbrushes gave out a little excited percussion. He got to the door and observed.
Drew was lost in his creativity. Swirling purple paint on his canvas, his t shirt abandoned and paint smears were lashed over his back. Lee took in his body. He noticed that for Drew to create he almost danced. The canvas his partner. His back muscles expanding and contorting when the swish or swoosh required. The steps back to admire, almost a lunge in reverse. This is where that body came from.
Lee swallowed and walked in. He walked slowly. His legs wobbly. These feelings were alien but he embraced these new sensations full on. He didn’t want to let them go. He reached Drew’s shoulder and tapped.
“Good evening.” Lee said clearly. Not a shout nor a whisper.
Drew stumbled, paintbrush out and as he turned and smeared the purple over Lee’s perfectly white shirt. Lee flung his hands up in shock but a loud and reckless laugh escaped him.
“Shit, hello. Fuck. Sorry! The paint?! Oh my gosh, the paint!” Drew dropped the brush, arms open in apology. Lee lunged as he had seen Drew do just minutes before and crashed against him in a kiss.
“Fuck the paint.” Lee laughed into Drew’s mouth.
“Oh ok. You’re ready, Tiger.” Drew grabbed his arms around Lee’s neck. The kisses deepened and tongues danced.
Lee let every restriction and inhibition he imposed on himself spill away, just as the paint can did as they crashed to the floor.
Drew was cautious Lee was new to everything they were about to explore and balanced his lead between lust and care. He guided Lee, gave into him, told him what felt good.
“Yeah. That’s perfect. Keep going. I can take more, you know?” Lee had been with women, beautiful women in the years before but something about the male form made the sex allowed to be harder. Deeper. A union of equals. A fight that both wanted to win and lose at the same time.
Surrounded by paint the same colour as the sky, splatters all over them, like a canvas of their own. They stared at the vaulted ceiling above.
Positano
That same evening Dean was sat on the terrace of their room overlooking Positano bay. The light was dwindling and street lamps glazed the streets in gold. The shore was dark and the sea beyond was as dark a blue as his suit on their wedding day. The sun’s last burning rays, the maroon of Jamie’s. He smiled and took a sip of his red wine as a hand ran around his neck and a familiar behind dropped onto his lap.
“Hey, Archer.” Jamie squeezed him and kissed his hair.
“Yes babe?”
“You know my head. Never settles. Can I ask you two questions?”
“Of course. Are these things I need to be worried about?”
“No you beautiful idiot. No. First, I never asked you, in all this time we’ve been together. Why me?”
“What? Why you? What do you mean?”
“Well so many people including us have always said we’re completely different but it works. It’s like we went out on a limb to begin with and it just stuck. Why did you stay, Dean? My beautiful Big Boy, why did you? You could have left- for good. Why didn’t you discard me like the others?” Jamie smoothed Dean’s shirt about his chest.
“Wow. Move.” Dean shifted him to the chair next to him. Then he grabbed it firmly and pulled Jamie into him. Thighs interlocking. “Get your fucking arms around my neck. I need you round me when I say this so you believe it.”
Jamie was unsure all of a sudden but followed instruction. “Ok.”
“So, listen up. Yeah we’re different. So what? Why do we have to find love in the most predictable and obvious of places? I could have shacked up with any other suit in the city. True I may have been happy, probably less worry, for the record, I’ll never not worry about you, but that’s not love. That’s comfort. I was looking for love. Someone to run with, someone to run after. Someone to wake up every day and work hard for. Someone to come home to every night and tell them how much I missed them. Every text or phone call still makes me stand fucking still to answer you. When I’m mad at you, I can’t stay mad. I immediately want to make up. Fall out again, just so we can make up again. In any room, if you’re there, I don’t see anyone else. When I ended things two years ago and met Adam, I slipped back into comfort. I liked him but he didn’t set me on fire. No one has, no one until you. I need that fire. When you are happy I’m the happiest man alive, when you achieve something I want to ring up every newspaper and buy a headline.” Dean stopped a moment and met Jamie’s eyes again. “Look, Jaim, I know I’m quiet, boring and reserved most of the time but beleive me when I say everything about me screams for you every day. I know you could have married someone hugely exciting but I hope I give you everything you dreamed of, even if those dreams are simple. A home together. Trips. Not needing anyone else apart from each other to get us through the rubbish times. Let’s live out our wildest dreams, together. Like you said.” Dean looked away and down. He needed to say what he said. He began to worry. Always that he wasn’t enough for Trouble. Jamie did something he hadn’t felt he needed to in five years. It was time.
He grabbed Dean’s chin and pulled him in close. As Dean had done since they met to anchor Jamie to him. “You’re more than enough Big Boy. You’re painfully adorable and everything you just said, I’m going to write that down one day and show it to you. So you can remember how beautiful your soul is. I love you. I’m sorry for putting you on the spot.” Jamie grinned. He couldn’t remember not being smitten in half a decade. “Good answer.”
“Kiss me.” Dean leaned in.
He did.
“Wasn’t there another question for me?” He rubbed his nose over Jamie’s.
“Yes. Ok, what do you see happening for us next? No pressure I’m just intrigued. You’re married to an ADHD’er now. My mind races months even years ahead. I’m excited for what you think.”
“God your bossy. Ok, back on my lap for this one.”
Jamie jumped with a squeal.
Dean looked out into the sea and rocked Jamie on his lap. “Well, I don’t see London as our forever home. I want a house in the country. You can have your own wing for clothes, I can have one for a gym.” He dug his thumb into Jamie’s ribs and they giggled.
“Sounds good Archer. Carry on.” Jamie’s hand swept Dean’s waves. He sniffed and breathed him in.
“I want a house. A bigger home with a garden. Two cars out front. A sporty impractical number for you and a big family jeep for me.”
Jamie froze up. Not with nerves but with excitement. He leaned into Dean’s ear. “A family babe?”
“You bet. I want a rugby team of my own. And dogs! Little dirty foot, hand and paw prints all over the house. Jamie I want a family with you. Make you a father. Grow old with me in the countryside will you?”
Jamie felt like it was a proposal. A new one. A proposal of a new life. “Yes. Yes to everything.”
“Oh wow. I love you.” Dean gripped him in his lap.
“Like when we’re back or is this a gradual thing?”
“Well I’d love it now but we have to think about work and how we’d make our family. But in time that would be something. They aren’t dreams. You’re the dream. Everything else is what happens after that.”
“Are we making life plans Archer? We’re creating our own Disney film? We’re all going to jump right into that painting and live happily ever after?” Jamie’s smile was peaceful. Nearly thirty years of chasing and chasing from who he really was. Now. Still in Positano with his husband. He could stop. Sit still. Contemplate and plan.
“You bet, Trouble.”
Author’s Note: Welcome back! Happy New Year to my wonderful readers! Apologies for the delay but we’re back on track. Life got hectic during the festive season but let’s get BACK TO US.
Contemplating a part three, and even a spin off. I’ll let you decide who the spin off will be about.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thanks again for all the support.
Aiming for a chapter a week from here on in as best I can. Stick with me!
