This City Is Lucky To Have You
October 2015
The end of 2015 was in sight. Jamie and Dean went into the autumn months feeing anything but cold. Dean was conscious of Jamie’s efforts for his thirtieth a few years before but Jamie demanded simplicity. Maybe it was finally having Dean in his life. Being married. He didn’t feel the need for any excess.
“Babe, you will not spend a penny on me for my thirtieth. We’ve had a huge year, I’m actually looking forward to celebrating something big by being quiet.” Jamie giggled as he held Dean’s hands tightly on the sofa. Dean was poised with his Amex over designer bag tabs and trip search engines on his MacBook.
“I know. But you knocked it out of the park for my thirtieth. I feel like an arsehole not marking the occasion for you. You deserve it.” Dean pleaded.
“Dean, stop.” Jamie got up from the sofa and rubbed his arms, comforting himself. “I know you don’t see it, but I know others think they do. I’m not always about big displays of everything. It’s by chance I found you. You’re successful, have a wealthy family, but I have my own money and my family do pretty well too. I know there’s whispers in town that I’m a gold digger. Just look at my socials and eaves drop on conversations in bars to see the judgement in the comments and gossip. Let’s face it, it even comes from inside our circle. Lee has reservations, Harry, despite our closeness, I always think he’s keeping an eye on me. Even my friends, they seem to always comment on how lucky I am. It’s exhausting. Like I have to be thankful you chose me, for the rest of my life. Why can’t I just be happy I found someone who fucking understands me? And everyone else just mind their business? I’ve dated successful people in the past but they turned out to be disappointments at best. They never cared to understand me. In their words, I looked good. That’s all that mattered. It’s like I stopped screaming when I met you. Stopped screaming to be seen for more than my fucking face. And maybe here’s an idea. Aren’t people lucky to have me in their lives? As a friend. A boyfriend. A husband?”
Dean went to break Jamie’s run but let him carry on. Something told him Jamie needed this out. “I know what I look like. Even Hugo had to be corrected. I’m blonde, even pretty to some people, apparently. I am, or least I used to be a wild party boy, I know that nearly broke us. But I’m more than that. Why can’t everyone just be like you? I love what we have and what makes us happy. All the trips, gifts, this place, they’re lovely but me with a book, you with your sports, on the sofa with a coffee. That’s it. That’s when I’m happiest. I could do that in the shittiest apartment with no money, as long as it’s with you.”
“Babe…”
“One minute and you can talk.” Jamie held up a finger and smiled a little painfully. “You took me as I am. Nothing about me phased you. You made a decision a few years ago to take time out. I look back now and appreciate it completely. You were willing to accept me as I am, even my crazy partying. But I never stopped to think about how I could evolve for you. As you have for me. It should have come from me, naturally, not greedily assuming that, that part of me was what you would want to contend with too. I’m so fucking sorry for that. So please, accept my birthday party invitation as follows:
You are invited to Jamie Arden-Archer’s 30th Birthday party. Take away pizza, lots of red wine, a drunk cigarette on the balcony and horror films. Husband required.” Jamie threw his hands up to emphasise his offer of the most mundane party they’d ever attend.
“Are you done?” Dean smiled up at him widely. Jamie nodded and looked at the floor. Dean knelt in front of him and grabbed his hands and kissed them. “I’m not arguing with a thing you said. People will judge you, us and me. You put yourself out there, you’re a big personality, with that, there’s going to be an audience willing to say their piece and post shitty comments. They don’t know how a split second remark that they post to feel good about themselves and then scroll on, affects the person reading it. Social media is a cesspool. Not your work, but the actual notion of it. Our family and friends? Don’t worry about them. It’s not the same. Lee’s just a big brother. He fretted when Hen had the boys. Your friends, they’re just happy for you. You’ve dealt with so much judgement over the years you’re hardwired to think the worst. And, if it makes you happy, I accept your invite. I can’t wait. Should I wear a black shirt for you babe?” Dean looked up and sprang that smile on Jamie that made him forget everything that was remotely negative in his life.
“Yes.” Jamie knelt forward and kissed Dean’s head. “You say the best things. You’re fucking fantastic.”
“I am huh? how about fantastic at fucking?”
“Of course.”
Dean slapped his behind hard. “It’s late. Get in that bedroom.” Jamie squealed and ran. Dean ran after him roaring.
As Jamie’s panting simmered and Dean stared down at him for a moment after they’d finished, as he always did, he remembered something. It wouldn’t cost a lot but it would mean everything. Something to go alongside the Paris painting. He pictured Jamie’s face opening it, as he remembered and pushed onto his lips and gripped Jamie’s hips.
“Oh is Big Boy ready to go again?” Jamie gasped.
“Hold on tight.” Dean warned with a grin.
“Fuck, THIS is why I married you. STAMINA. Umm yeah.” Jamie wrapped every limb around his Big Boy for round two.
Dean didn’t disappoint. He never ever did. Even on his second round.
15th October 2015
“Dean? Where are you?” Jamie startled awake to an empty bed. He usually felt Dean firming up behind him. Then he felt a card on the duvet as he reached around and smiled. He ripped it open.
Good morning Trouble,
Happy 30th Birthday!
You’re my king so we’re having a breakfast of kings. Relax, don’t get up until I’m home.
I know you said no gifts but I had to do this. I just can’t wait to see your face when you see it.
Another year closer to my dream of growing old with you.
I love you.
P.S No I didn’t wrap my cock up in a bow. Although, come to think of it, that could be an idea.
Seriously though,
I love you.
BB
“Oh Big Boy I wish you would.” Jamie stretched as he whispered to himself. He checked his phone, it was frantic with messages and notifications.
Ten minutes later.
“I’m back. Don’t get up yet. I mean it.” Dean went straight into the kitchen. There was rustling of bags and clattering of plates being placed on counter tops. Jamie grinned at Dean’s cuteness. The bedroom door creaked open. “Happy thirtieth baby.” Dean padded over and kissed Jamie firmly on the lips. “No, I don’t have a bow down there.” He giggled.
“That’s a shame.” Jamie smirked. Without a moment to think Dean lifted Jamie over his shoulder and dragged him to the kitchen area.
“Dean! Dean! Fuck, put me down!” Jamie laughed. This was what he wanted. Simple. With a side of goofy Dean. Dean followed the birthday boy’s orders and set him down. Jamie looked at the counter. A singular gift. “Dean, what have you done?”
“You told me not to spend but this was absolutely needed. Open it.” He bit his lip.
Jamie moved forward slowly and unwrapped the frame-like parcel. Deliberately wrapped in garish ‘30th’ birthday paper. First the black frame appeared, then the white boarder, then that aged page and the font he remembered reading on their wedding morning. Jamie dropped the half opened parcel to the counter and grabbed Dean tightly. “Thank you so much. That means everything to me.” Danny’s poem. Framed and protected forever in their home.
“I couldn’t just let today go by with nothing for you to open.” Dean rubbed his back. “Now tuck in, I have coffee and your favourite pastries from the bakery you love, that Maison Puget?”
Jamie smiled brightly as Dean set out their breakfast. The day was filled with relatively little else. Jamie demanded Dean go to the gym, he would go for a run. Normal. A night in with horror films, vintage red wine and pizza would round off his perfectly forgettable but unforgettable thirtieth.
Jamie spoke with family and friends throughout the afternoon. One conversation particularly made him realise what Dean had meant.
“Jay, you’re so lucky.” Lars began, Jamie huffed, about to launch into a defence but Dean’s words stopped him. “He just wants to make you happy. It’s that simple. You both have the world at your fingertips tips but I admire how much you cherish the simple things in life. We all kind of expected to you to lay low this year. A thirtieth birthday with your husband? We can’t top that. Not even for your thirtieth trip around the sun. Maybe we’re all growing up, just a little.” Lars teased.
“I know what you mean. I am. Lars can I ask you a really odd question?”
“Shoot.”
“I’m not searching for compliments but we had a similar conversation a few days ago. I know I’m lucky but is it unreasonable to think that Dean is lucky to be with me too? Do you get what I mean?” Jamie asked tentatively. Horrified he may come across as arrogant. He felt anything but.
“Of course. Jay, you’ve been through a lot of judgement from others and I think words hurt you more. It’s not a weakness, if anything you’re staying true to what words can do. Those who ignore horrible comments and behaviour probably suffer more. Of course he’s lucky to have you. We’re just seeing it from our side. You’re our boy remember? Let’s not forget, who was the one chasing you all over London? The eligible bachelor chasing his crazy blonde. Sounds like a good book to me.” Lars trailed off into a happy trill.
“Thank you little one. I love you. A book hey? I’d love to write one day. I wonder what I could write about? Nothing really happens in our lives that’s book worthy though. Maybe I’ll look at fiction. Who knows. OK I’m going to find Dean, have pizza, get drunk and fuck like rabbits.”
“I heard that! Stop being embarrassing!” Dean shouted from behind.
“I gotta go. Big Rabbit is home.”
“Love you, Little Rabbit.” They laughed and hung up.
December 2015
Drew and Lee had settled into a covert relationship of sorts, in the months that followed their first date after the wedding. Drew was happy to accommodate Lee’s need to take things slow and remain inconspicuous. Their time together was exciting sexually. But, the time in between those experiences together, was always what Drew looked forward to, as he made his way to Lee’s apartment in Millbank, Westminster each time. Catching glimpses of a playful man. A quick witted man. A tentative man. Each visit posed the possibility of discovering a new corner of Lee Archer.
Lee’s place was as central to power in London as you could get. The Houses of Parliament were opposite and major government headquarters littered this particular bourough of London. Drew found it fitting that a powerful mind should rest amongst powerful buildings at night.
That first night, Drew froze looking out of the floor to ceiling windows into the dusk falling over the city. A framed moving picture of life on and around the Thames. Colour. Inspiration. Sound. Reference. An artist’s dream. He hoped Lee appreciated the environment he nonchalantly inhabited outside of court.
Beside the view, Lee’s place was brutal, clean lines. Polished oak floors, they had the appearance of a year round frost. Marble counter topped kitchen, never used. A rich cream spread over every wall throughout. A conscious decision to go warmer than white perhaps? Just a little, maybe. Drew mulled. There was no life on display. No photos, no memories. No day to day evidence of an inhabitant. Even the TV was hidden in the walls. Drew thought he should feel almost miserable but he felt completely exposed and alive there. Because Lee was there. That’s what really mattered to him. Lee became impatient and kissed his neck from behind that night. “Welcome to my home. Are you done looking out of the windows? I’ve missed you all day.” Lee whispered.
“Of course Tiger. Whatever you want. I won’t stop you.” They scrambled with shirts and trousers, breathing shuddered as they kissed like they hadn’t kissed before. They hadn’t made it to the bedroom, the floor would suffice. Drew willingly squashed between Lee’s hard frame and the oak below him. Lee was new and Drew continued breaking him in, in those early days. They jumped straight to the main event each and every time. Lee wasn’t sure how to approach foreplay just yet. Drew wasn’t sure it was even something he’d ever considered.
A few days afterward.
“He’s clearly attracted to men or maybe just me, but he won’t entertain the idea of exploring me down there, nor does he expect me to explore him. I mean, it makes things efficient but it’s also a little frustrating at times. He’s got a fucking beautiful dick.” Drew explained to his friend Stevie enthusiastically one afternoon out on a walk with coffee.
“Hold up there. You’re telling me you’re dating a mystery rich closeted guy, who lives in some insane apartment, drives a Porsche. Who even needs a car in this city? AND, he can’t wait to fuck you so bypasses foreplay completely? Please tell me you’re not complaining.” She hit his arm before running her hand through her thick Afro.
“I’m not complaining. And fucking ow, by the way bitch!” He giggled. “It’s just that’s part of it too. For me anyway. Maybe we’ll talk about it if it carries on.” Drew was also realistic, this was tenuous, it could end abruptly, but he enjoyed losing his head in the ‘now’ of it all while he could. “Promise to keep this under wraps though. The Archer brother’s are pretty well known in London. He’s the tall elegant one, Dean’s the solid rugby guy married to…”
”JAMIE ARDEN! I know! I love him. I follow him on Instagram. He’s so hot. He’s funny as hell too. I always look forward to getting a glimpse of Dean.” She squeezed her hands together giggling.
”Uh, yeah. That’s right. I could just never accidentally out someone. It’s not fair.” Drew reasoned.
”You have my word babe. Honestly. I know that’s important.” Stevie grabbed his cheek with a squeeze of reassurance.
The benefit of their pasts made Christmas an absolute present that year. Lee told the family he wanted to stay in town. The festive period brought a number of law dinners and parties and the quieter court schedule allowed him to catch up on his backlogs. So it wasn’t completely implausible. Almost expected behaviour.
Drew was alone with no commitments as his history would dictate anyway. Christmas was a listless, strange time. In past years he’d spent them alone or accidentally attached to someone else’s plans.
20th December 2015
“Working Christmas Ma, you don’t mind do you? Will Hen and Dean be coming to see you at some point or are you away?” Lee pleaded on the phone. He was used to laying low anyway, the family, including Jamie now, accepted it. He was sure to tread carefully around his mother at this time of year though. Feelings needed to be spared.
“Oh Lee dear, you’re a slave to that job. A very brilliant slave. But still. Well, everyone is either busy with babies, toddlers, husbands or careers so I think we’ll take ourselves off and lick our empty nest wounds out in Barbados. We’ve got that gorgeous little place there remember?”
Lee laughed. His mother talked about her global real estate portfolio like she’d just remembered she had a fantastic dessert in the freezer to share with unexpected guests. “I remember. Ma?”
“Yes my boy?”
“We all still need you both, you know that? We’re still three little boys, just with stubble now. That’s all. We’re ok to live our lives the way we do, as long as you two are there in the background for us to run to when we scrape our knee. Or the equivalent in your thirties and forties at least.” Lee smiled as much as he would allow himself. Seeing how Drew reacted to his genuine interest, intrigue and some form of care for him, made him realise there might be something in this openness with emotion thing.
“Lee, that’s so sweet. At the risk of sounding shocked, where did that come from? It’s not entirely like you. You’ve made me all warm and lovely.”
“Let’s just say I’ve seen a lot of love, family and thought about things this year. It’s affected me. In a good way. I’m ok. Lee Archer is ok.”
“Ok darling, well we’ll let you know what we get up to but please don’t work too hard. We love you.”
“Ma?”
“Yes dear?”
“I love you too.”
“Bless you. Take care.”
Lee felt something new that Christmas. He’d been smiling a little more than he usually would. He was looking forward to company rather than skating around it.
After his call with his mother, Lee made plans.
LEE: Call me.
Drew saw the message and pushed his phone away and groaned. The thought of Lee pushing him away and shutting down always in his peripheral. It was as if Lee was watching him.
LEE: No I’m not calling this off in case you were wondering. I need to ask you something.
Drew smiled giddily. There were parts of himself he didn’t fully reveal to Lee. He wasn’t quite ready to jump straight in and tell Lee how much he felt for him. He was quite happy with the idea of being the street wise lad to keep Lee on his toes. He kept his cool as best he could.
“Tiger?”
“Afternoon. Can I ask you something? Feel free to tell me no but I thought I’d check. Look, Christmas, I’m spending in the city, my parents are away, my brothers are doing their own thing. I…”
“Yes. Yes I’ll spend Christmas with you.” Drew jumped in, his knuckles white around his phone.
There was a subtle hint of excitement. “You will? That’s great.”
“I can cook for us if you want? I’m pretty good in the kitchen.”
Lee was clearly building in confidence again. “You’re pretty good everywhere from what I have experienced.”
“You are the most filthy barrister in town Archer QC. Really naughty.”
“Not going to argue that case. The evidence is there. Sentence me as you see fit.”
“I sentence you to a Christmas with me. At yours. Good food. Deep conversation. Lie-ins and uh…”
“Sex?”
“Of course.” Drew did his best to stop himself from laughing in shock.
“Sounds good. Send me a list of what you want to create in the kitchen. I’ll sort it out. Thank you by the way. You don’t have to but I look forward to seeing you in action. I’ve never used my kitchen.”
“I can tell. You could perform brain surgery in there. It’s cleaner than an operating room.”
“Ok. Enough. I’m lazy. I get it.”
“No you’re not. You’re busy. Different. Lee?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you. It’s the first Christmas I’m looking forward to in a long time.”
“My pleasure. Me too actually. I can’t wait. I need to drop, see you later. Should be back around six. Find a film for us. Or documentary. Just be there. I look forward to seeing you when I get home.”
Home. Lee placed no possession over the word. He let it hang between them. Drew ended the call and carried on with the Christmas party he was managing in town. Just a corporate lunch. Everyone in attendance would be suitably merry by five. Enough time to skip over to Westminster to be ‘home’ for Lee.
Christmas Eve 2015
Sat together in silence, staring into the fireplace, just a hand held under a blanket.
“I love fire. Dangerous but it brings so much that’s necessary with it. Warmth, protection, creates food. Isn’t that incredible?” Drew spoke aloud softly.
Lee let his eyes glide to Drew. He could only see the back of his head. He noticed Drew’s chest moved in and out slowly. Slower than he’d ever seen. Lee dared to let himself think, is this because of me. Am I making him feel this happy and relaxed? I hope so. “Never taken the time to think about it but you’re right. It is. I like that about you. I can actually talk about things that actually matter.”
Drew lay back. “I’m glad. Can I have an arm please.” Lee raised his arm and let it be wrapped by Drew around his chest.
Lee let his head drop to Drew’s and their lips met. It was light.
Lee began to shift, Drew felt his hardness on his back. He laughed and got up to turn. “Wait. Wait.” Drew pushed Lee’s chest back. “Easy Tiger.”
“What? I’m done with taking that part of things slow. Am I doing something wrong?” Lee was a little put out at the rejection.
Drew saw this as the perfect chance to raise his point that he’d discussed with Stevie. “Oh, believe me, you’re doing nothing wrong.” Drew rubbed his thumb over Lee’s lips. Lee let it fall into his mouth briefly. “In fact, I wanted to discuss something with you.”
“I’m listening.”
“Lee Archer, can I introduce you to foreplay?” Drew delivered bluntly. He wanted to start establishing some demands of his own.
“Uh, yeah. It’s just I’ve not done that before with a man. I’m new remember? The main event as it were, is not far removed from being with a woman. What can I do?”
“Hmm, I think the entire population of straight women on this planet would crucify you for that statement.” Drew giggled and wiped his palm over Lee’s forehead. “That being said, you can always attend to that area in the same kind of way. You can spend some time down there to make it even more intense. I know you’re not into labels but what we have between us, is just for us. Let me help you understand how all this works.”
“Am I not satisfying you?”
“Oh my god. Will you stop. Of course. It’s like your favourite sweet from the sweet shop. There’s fucking loads to try, don’t just go for the same thing every time.”
Lee looked over the ceiling and back down again, as if a penny had dropped. “Oh. I see. So the other parts aren’t just because it’s two men, so why not? It’s more like it’s the build up?” Lee shifted.
“He gets it. I knew you’d get it, deep inside that big brain of yours.”
Lee seemed impatient. He reached between Drew’s thighs and rested his hand. “No time like the present. I’m a quick learner and I want to please you. Tell me what to do.”
“Are you serious? Just like that?”
“Drew, stop stalling. If me going down on you makes you happy and gets me laid, I’ll get to work. Now. Fucking show me.”
Drew giggled. He’d never heard Lee swear before. It wasn’t driven by alcohol. Lee didn’t feel inclined to drink around Drew, and there was an unspoken respect for his teetotalism. Drew accepted it must have just been his presumptions at play again. Very welcome. Again. “Uh ok. Get up and lie in front of me.”
Lee moved with lightening speed. He came to lie between Drew’s legs. Drew’s bare feet already clinging to the leather of the sofa and knees bent. “What next?”
“Take my jeans and underwear off.” Drew whispered. The glare in Lee’s eyes made him not want to dilute the conversation any further. He was slightly taken aback. Lee meant business.
They were gone. The denim smarted against Drew’s leg. He winced. He liked it. “Done.”
“Easy Tiger. You’ve got a beautiful mouth. Those lips. That tongue. If it kisses like that, imagine what you could do to me down there. Don’t be scared.” Drew closed his eyes and gasped, Lee didn’t need any further encouragement. He gripped Drew’s legs from underneath and teased. Hearing Drew react to his efforts spurred him on. More and more.
Lee got more confident. More curious, he quietly brought his right index finger into the moment alongside his tongue. He was right to do so, Drew’s palm slapped the back of his head with conformation.
“Fuck. Lee.”
“Lee.”
“Fuck.”
“You’re going to…”
“Lee, I’m gonna…”
Lee was completely consumed, he pulled Drew’s shaft into his mouth as he felt the sweet and salt of his eruption. He winced from the newness of the sensation, another taboo crushed. But he savoured it. Willing himself not to cough and signal his shock and what he’d just done.
Drew panted as Lee broke free and looked up into his eyes, still intense. “Christ Lee. That was insane. Wow.”
“I uh, liked that. But you’ve…”
“Oh don’t worry, you can still have your fun. I can go again.” Drew pulled Lee up for a kiss.
“Wait I’ve just swall…”
“Doesn’t matter. I think we’re passed decorum now. Dirty boy. Fuck me.”
Lee pushed himself against Drew as they fumbled with his own jeans and underwear.
It was slow and deep. It felt different this time. Like they’d turned a corner. Maybe they’d evolved. Drew happily climaxed again and held Lee in him as he came. Lee almost choked at the feeling. The warm grip. Drew grinning at him defiantly as he filled him.
They continued to never broach the subject of ‘what’ they were but their situation continued.
July 2016
“I hate this part. I always get so attached to everyone.” Jamie curled up on a grey Thursday evening.
Dean was flicking through the sports channels and unconsciously allowed Trouble to curl up on his chest with a sigh. “What’s that?”
“Peter’s last day with us tomorrow.” Jamie traced a nondescript pattern on Dean’s chest. Dean laughed silently. He could never sit still.
“Well, it’s only natural. London is competitive. Hey? Don’t forget, he wouldn’t be moving on without your support. Remember that. I’m proud of him but more proud of you.” He kissed Jamie’s forehead. Jamie got up and looked at him deeply.
“I never said thank you. Thank you for being a friend to him this past year too. You took him out, showed him the city. The actual city.”
“I enjoyed it. You did too.”
“Correction. I got him drunk in the city and took him to fashion events. There’s a difference.”
“Well it’s all part of what this city is. Stop belittling yourself. Anyway, wasn’t there anything Connect could do to keep him?”
“I tried. Fiona has gone obstinate recently. I don’t know what’s gotten into her. It’s like she’s not interested in hearing anything from anyone. She’s distracted. I’m kind of over a barrel because I have it so good there but I love my work and I’ll go somewhere else if I feel like I’m not being heard.”
“Easy, easy. Not telling you what to do but this place is expensive to run and we’re looking at maybe a move outside of the city in the coming year or so. Grass may not always be as greener or well paying. I think like that all the time, so I do get it.”
“I know babe. I just don’t want to stay in something where I feel like I’m wasting my time.” Jamie softened and climbed onto him. He was putty when Dean was in his old gym shorts and a vest. Thank god for humid weather Jamie would repeatedly think to himself during these months. “I’m not wasting my time with you though am I Big Boy? Give me some.” He kissed and bit Dean’s lip.
“Never.” Dean whispered and flipped him to the sofa.
“Dean!” Jamie loved those moments where Dean was silent and just go to work to satisfy him. Like a transaction. No need for anything else. There were many a moment where Dean looked obscenely sexy to Jamie throughout the years. But nothing beat his almost disdain for him after they’d finished one of their spontaneous sweaty sessions, initiated just from a look, a heavy silence or sparring word. Dean would rise, slap Jamie’s behind and declare just as he did on this occasion, “right, I’m hitting the shower.” He’d leave Jamie pulsing in his wake. Jamie would just nod with a startled blink in his eyes. Then giggle to himself when he heard the water run. “Big Boy indeed. Fuck.”
Connect Marketing - Canary Wharf. The next day.
“Jamie, I fully appreciate where you’re coming from but there just isn’t the need to take on another executive at this stage. I’m afraid I’m sticking with my decision. Let’s remember, Peter has done very well out of us this past year. Accommodation, expenses, unlimited resource, knowledge and experience that has made him an attractive candidate if a role is available. That isn’t a prerequisite that he’ll stay on here.”
“But Fiona, surely we want to retain the skill we’ve developed here? I feel like I’ve wasted my time. It’s meant I’ve stretched myself thinner than I usually would. My work hasn’t suffered but I’ve pulled longer hours and taken some of it home too to get it over the line.”
“I underdrand. Welcome to my world. It means you’re achieving. The world isn’t always wonderful. It’s not always the ending you want. Believe me on that point.”
“I’m not getting anywhere. His new post starts the following Monday. Thank you for your time I guess.”
Fiona didn’t reply and went back to her laptop. Talons clicking.
And email came through an hour later.
Jamie,
I need to talk to you off record, meet me for a dinner this weekend.
Let me know when you’re free.
Fi.
P.S I’m not a battle axe. I admire your tenacity and this will make sense when I see you.
Later that Friday Jamie called Peter into his office. He leant on his desk as Peter sat in front of him.
“Jamie, a good day I hope for you.”
“Hmm not necessarily. You’re leaving. I’m gutted. You’ve been great here and a really good friend too. I’m so glad we had this time time together. How do you feel?”
“I am good. Thank you for all the support I have received. I’m very blessed. We will remain friends I hope. Mr Dean, too. But it is the time I go to what is the saying? Pastures of new?”
“That’s right. I hope they treat you well. Peter, I just want you to know I would have happily kept you here at Connect but business is business and the numbers just wouldn’t stretch. For the record, that was not my decision. I’m not trying to sound like a coward but I want to be transparent with you. Do you understand?”
“I do. I fully understand it is where you are coming from. Please do not be sad. We will be of staying in touch. We have email, text message, call and our social of medias. We have lots to talk.”
“That we do.” Jamie didn’t arrange a leaving party, something felt flat in him. It felt wrong to mark an occasion that was actively pushed into fruition by his company. He was absolutely livid with Fiona’s coldness.
As Peter handed over his pass at reception Jamie hugged him tightly. That firm body against him, Peter gasped. “Good luck with everying. You deserve the world Peter. This is your home now, this city is lucky to have you. And remember, Dean and I are a phone call away. For anything. Speak soon.” He let him go. In more ways than one.
“It’s his time Jamie. He’s you, think back to when you were that age. This city full of possibility. Maybe his glittering career and his Dean are waiting out there for him too. Don’t stop him.” Sally’s voice hovered over his shoulder.
“I know. You’re right. He’s just the sweetest. I feel like I’m not quite done with him though. Is that weird?” He came to sit on the reception desk in front of her.
“Not really. It’s a crazy world out there. London can feel huge and as small as a village all in a day. Never know what will happen.”
“I like that. Maybe we’ll cross paths again.” He smiled weakly. “Anyway, back to it. Have a great weekend babe, see you Monday.”
“Bye handsome.”
That Friday evening, celebrations were being prepared in Millbank, Westminster. Drew arrived at Lee’s apartment with pizza, cans of coca-cola and bags of sweets.
“Good evening.” Lee answered the door and stood aside for Drew to come in. “What’s all this?”
Drew bounded over to the kitchen and dropped everything, he turned with a huge smile. “I’m happy that’s all. It hit me today, I’m really happy. We’ve been doing this for almost a year. Lee, I’m ok with us staying under wraps for now. As long as you need. But I did want to tell you something.”
“For now? What do you mean?” Lee froze.
“Well, you feel more comfortable taking it slow and I’m happy to carry on as we are but, maybe some day sooner or later we can look at taking this outside of the apartment?”
“I uh. I thought this was ok?” Lee’s smile was forced, like he was relieving some kind of acid in his jaw.
“It is. But don’t you have some kind of vision of where we’ll be in another year or longer? Whatever?” Drew continued to smile, oblivious to Lee’s struggle with his words. “Maybe this will help change your mind.” Drew walked over slowly and wrapped his arms around Lee’s neck. He swallowed and came clean. “Lee, I love you.” He kissed his lips but it wasn’t reciprocated. Lee shivered and untangled himself.
“What?! Seriously?! Why are you saying that?! Where has this come from?!” Lee replied firmly.
Drew backed away, frown returning, his lips slightly apart, breathing heavy. Another rejection. “I’m telling you how I feel. Can’t I be honest? I thought maybe you felt the same way.” He leaned against the kitchen units. Dizzy. He swallowed tears. Anger.
“Jesus. This is a fucking ambush. I’m happy with the way things are. Why can’t you be happy with that arrangement? Why does it have to become complicated?”
“Arrangement? That’s what I am? Fuck, that’s once removed from escort. All I’m hearing is ‘I’, and what about the ‘me’ and the ‘us’ in all this? And how is me telling you how I feel for you a complication?”
“It’s not who I am. Fuck. I thought this would be straight forward.” Lee’s hands raised to mimic a box. He wished Drew would just stay in it and not leap about like a frog.
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. I gotta go. I can’t be here. This is fucking disgusting.”
“Wait.”
“Absolutely fucking not. Listen here. You may have a stupidly expensive apartment, fast cars, a family estate but, you do not get to manage us common folk like we’re animals in a zoo for you entertainment. I can face my past. Being practically an orphan, homeless at times, but you, in your forties can’t face someone telling you they love you? Don’t call me. Don’t text me. We’re done. I can’t have toxicity around me. Who needs drugs and alcohol when you can have an arrangement to make you feel rock bottom?” Drew grabbed his coat and slammed the door.
Lee slumped to the bar stool. No tears came. He didn’t have them to give. He deleted Drew’s number immediately and as Jamie had said over the phone from New York the year before, he was back over here, while everyone else was over there. He wasn’t happy. He wasn’t sad. He wrestled with an immediate unease that he suppressed with a long exhale then went and opened his laptop and carried on checking work emails as if the moment with Drew hadn’t just happened. He had to cut him, it, whatever they were, were going to be, off.
Drew was Lee’s bungee cord that kept stretching over and over these past months, he didn’t know what he was hurtling toward but when I love you came further into clarity, closer and closer below him, his reaction was to yank himself straight back. Closing that door shut once again. A little of the memory of them crept in like a cold draft from time to time long after Drew was out of his life. It stayed with Lee. Haunting him. Giving him a chill every now and then. As time stretched ahead he realised he missed Drew. He also hated himself for not confessing that he loved him too. His mind just wouldn’t allow anything in to colour his clean world. Not even Drew, the artist.
The next evening Jamie agreed to meet Fiona for dinner. They met in The Ledbury in Nottinghill. Jamie found it odd she suggested somewhere close to his home but didn’t argue. She was on a war path and he didn’t want to inadvertently set off more missiles.
“For what it’s worth you look and smell fantastic. Don’t worry. I’m sure everything will work out. Come here.” Dean wrapped him in a tight Dean staple hug.
“Hey, watch out I’ll crease.” Jamie straightened his jacket in the mirror and checked his face once more.
“Ok, I’ll leave you to it. If you’re out late want me to wait up?” Dean slapped his behind and rubbed his crotch against Jamie’s behind. Jamie grinned. Dean was back in his almost threadbare gym shorts. The Nike tick cracking, the fabric thin in all the best places. Jamie banned Dean from wearing them anywhere public.
He followed his eyes in the mirror. “Wait up, Big Boy.”
The Ledbury
“Good evening, party of two. The name will be under Fiona Harris.”
“Perfect, follow me, your fellow dinner guest is already here.”
Jamie followed through the tables of guests until he arrived in front of Fiona. He sighed, smiled at the waitress and sat. The energy they held between each other, an excitable son and wise mother dynamic seemed to have dried up. Jamie wasn’t sure what to expect of this conversation so he simply greeted Fiona and gave her the table to explain.
“Thank you for joining me. Jamie, I need to explain my behaviour these past few months. Off the record, I felt I owed you a face to face confession above anyone else. You’re the apple of my eye, dear boy.”
Jamie studied her. Her hair was loose that night. Beginning to unfurl at the ends from behind her ears. He couldn’t tell if it was deliberate or it was actually the beginnings of her starting to undfurl. “Fiona, you don’t need to explain yourself to me for Christ’s sake. You’re my boss. You know I get a little too sentimental at times. That’s my weakness. Remember my annual review last year? Keep doing what you’re doing kid but forget the heart sometimes.” He giggled and met her eyes again. She wasn’t laughing. He swallowed.
She reached her perfectly manicured hand over the table to him. He met it with his. He was worried, she never initiated emotional displays. “Allow me to be honest. This is me. A person. Not a boss. You know I’ve been in business for forty years. I chose my career over a personal life. Husbands went, christ-men, some men, are so weak. A woman is expected to sit in the shadows while their husband’s career explodes, women? No, we’re cold, nasty bitches with no soul if we dare to have one of our own. I never had children either. I look at you, if I had a son, I would have wanted them to be you. Wonderfully complicated and unapologetically you. And then finding your soul mate. I’d say both your mother’s jobs are done. You’ve got each other now.”
“I love cold, nasty bitches. I hope to be one some day. I’m joking of course. You’re none of those things. You’re my city mum. A mum’s work is never finished.” Jamie had a pang for his own for a moment. “I hear Dean fretting on the phone with his even now. It’s so adorable. I eavesdrop and laugh. I know I shouldn’t but I love how innocent he is behind the suits and muscles speaking to her.”
“It’s a shame I never had that opportunity. I’m touched you think of me that way. Jamie I have to tell you something.” She squeezed his hand tightly.
“Fi, what’s going on? You’re starting to freak me out.”
“Do not freak out. That’s an order. Ok.” She pulled her hands back, flicked her hair behind her ears, looked around and and hugged herself. “Jamie, I’m sick. I mean very sick. The other shame about not having a family? No one to tell when you have been diagnosed with terminal cancer.”
Jamie’s hand stumbled on his cutlery as he found his balance again. “Fi? What? Tell me everything.” Jamie’s head began to fizz. His hearing went a little dull, like he was underwater. He gripped her hand again.
“I knew you’d ask questions. Ok, I found a lump on my right breast a few months ago, biopsy, thinking I was ahead of the curve. That’s what they tell you, get it checked as soon as you notice. So I did. Then these little bastards grow legs and set up camp wherever the fuck they like. It’s travelled. Like some little evil holiday maker through my body. I’m terminal. Chemo to prolong life but that’s the end of my story.” She leant back and let Jamie process her words.
“How long do we have?” Jamie swallowed hard. His eyes blinking tightly, trying to understand if this was real.
“Listen to you. Oh Jamie you’re wonderful. Taking my problem and making it yours just like that. You don’t need to but I adore that about you. I’m uh, lucky with eighteen months. I feel it coming all ready. I get weak. Noticed my hours? I can’t keep up anymore. I’m discussing options for the business with lawyers but you will be ok. The business will be fine.”
“Oh god can we forget about that for a moment. You have to promise me you will let me help you. With anything. I can’t think about the end but I will be with you while you go through this. I won’t take no for an answer.” Jamie smiled. He was being kind but he wanted to burst into tears.
“No point arguing with you. I’ll let you know in the coming weeks.” She giggled wickedly.
“I don’t just mean business I mean at home. Tell me. I know where you live remember? I’ll do spot checks. Just warning you.” He pointed at her. The news was making him pull as many funny lines as possible. He was already exhausted.
She laughed at him. “Come here.” Melting finally.
He pulled his seat round and she pulled him in. “I can’t look at you directly when I say this.” She spoke into his hair. “I am scared. But mainly I’m sad. Sad that I don’t get to control this bit. I don’t have anything else, control was what I lived on, for sixty years. Jamie, I’ve been privileged to have you in my life.” She kissed his cheek and let him go.
“No I am. Look at the life you’ve let me live. We will control this together. This nasty bitch isn’t going down without a fight.” He rested his forehead against hers as they roared with laughter through tears.
Jamie walked into the apartment, later than he expected but he couldn’t not give Fiona his time. It was dark. Just a little glow coming from the bedroom. He smiled, only a little. I need him. How did he know to stay up even this late?
“Hi.” Jamie whispered. “You stayed up?”
“Hey. Yeah. I figured it was a dinner with Fiona. A boss dinner needs a debrief, so here I am. Debrief me.” He opened his arms out in a welcome. He folded his paper and waited for Jamie to run his evening past him. Jamie ran and jumped on him. “Shit. You were only round the corner for dinner. What was that for?” Dean giggled rubbing his back and Jamie sighed into his neck.
“Don’t leave me Dean. Ever. You’re not allowed. You’re the one who has to stay.” Jamie wept quietly.
“Hey what the hell?” Dean grabbed his head and pushed him up. “What’s that about?” He thumbed away tears in Trouble’s eyes.
“Fiona is very ill. She has stage four breast cancer, it’s terminal, she has around eighteen months. So that’s two people I’m losing this week. Thank god you’re in my life because this world is still pretty fucking cruel.” He collapsed on the bed and stared at the threads in the duvet. Dean came and knelt in front of him.
“Look at me.”
“Hello beautiful.”
“I’m so sorry about Fiona. Anything we can do to support her, you just tell me and we’ll sort it. I mean it. Tell me. Don’t carry this by yourself. And newsflash, we’re married. I’m going nowhere. I’m legally obliged to worry about you for the rest of my life.” He mimed punching Jamie in the cheek. They giggled. “She’s a brilliant woman. Scary as hell but brilliant. She’s had a fantastic life. I know it doesn’t stop the sadness but think about her life in that way. What she’s done for you, for us. And Peter, he’s just moved jobs, he’s still around if you want him to be.”
“Thank you. It’s not the death I’m stuck on. It’s this sadness. Death is sudden. It happens. Literal or figurative. You stop breathing. You move jobs. The end. It’s what’s left. The energy it creates. What do we do with it?” Jamie ran Dean’s thumb under his chin as he contemplated the question.
Dean loved his outbursts of reflection but he also knew Jamie needed to close his eyes. “Do me a favour? Rest that beautiful mind of yours for me? I’m not shutting you down, I’m protecting you from your thougts. Just for tonight.”
“I know. Rest will be good. Dean?”
Dean was jumping back into bed. “I love you. And remember you can’t leave.”
“Jamie?”
“Yes?” Jamie’s eyes were closing.”
“Go brush your teeth before you fall asleep.”
Jamie giggled and pulled himself up. Profound movements in his life, caused by those who orbited it, made his week shift in strange directions. He was feeling unsettled. Dean brought him back to earth with a thud. He crashed peacefully.
