ASH
We were back on the road again, our last night alone together far behind us. The sun cast rays of early morning light across my uncertain future. Verdant landscape gave way slowly to the rocky desert as the day wore on. We soon entered a world I'd never known, a world that would soon become my home. Anxiety ate at my gut but I felt equally thrilled at the possibilities awaiting me in my new home. I wasn't facing my future alone either. The Village of wonderful friends who helped me take my first steps into life as an adult passed me into the care of the people who inspired them. I preferred to stand on my own but it was nice to know that others stood ready to catch me if I fell. I cherished that security. It gave me the strength I needed to move forward. One of those friends, my best friend, Trevor, took the wheel now. He would see me safe and settled before flying back to the home I left behind. Our path through life was about to fork. I knew this was normal, that life moved on, but Trevor was a root I could not pull from the soil of the past. His place in my life was too precious to let go, especially now with new feelings between us.
It started innocently enough. Well, no, there was nothing innocent about it. Maybe I should say it came as a pleasant surprise that changed everything.
I stumbled across Trevor and a stranger masturbating together in a rest stop bathroom. It shocked me to my core. A decent, moral human being might have found what I saw disgusting but I could not tear my eyes away from them.
Sex held a powerful fascination for me. Sexual feelings and urges never came to me naturally as an intersex person. I experienced them only after taking hormones. I soon I discovered what all the fuss was about and I wanted to make up for lost time. My fascination turned into an obsession that I kept to myself out of embarrassment. Trevor opened a door for me to explore freely and safely. He never laughed at my ignorance–well, maybe a little but he only meant it in fun. Anyway, he let me ask embarrassing questions. He let me explore his body anytime I wanted for as long as I wanted and I got to enjoy what it felt like to have him touch me in an intimate way. Last night we had our first kiss and we spent much of the night after that “practicing.” I later realized that Trevor was no longer my best friend. He was more. I didn't know what to call it, I knew only that I needed it–I needed Trevor–as much as I needed to breathe. The thought of our lives going separate ways gripped my heart with icy dread. He offered a solution but it came at too high a price. I hated conflict but I couldn't let this go.
“Trevor, no, this is crazy talk! I can't let you throw away everything you have back in Wilmington for me! You have a great job, a home, friends–you have a bright future.”
“A future without you ain't worth having, Ash. I'm not doing this recklessly.”
“It sure looks like it!” I snapped. Trevor looked hurt and frustrated.
“What the hell, Ash? I thought you'd be happy that I was staying in Phoenix with you.”
“I am, but you're giving up so much and for what? You won't have a place to stay. You don't have a job or a car.” I argued.
“There are five Old Navy stores all over Phoenix. I can get my old job back. If not, there is a Costco and an IKEA. They always need inventory help.”
“Okay, but they love you at the candle factory! You're important there, needed.”
“Ash, the candle factory was never meant to be permanent. Even Seth called it a starting point.”
“He did–?” I blinked, surprised.
“Yeah, he did.”
I thought about it for a minute. “I just assumed the candle factory jobs were full-time positions like mine.”
“You never worked at the candle factory?” Trev asked and I shook my head.
“No, I went straight to work for Brody. The agency offered me a full-time salaried position with paid time off, insurance, and everything. Seth said it was a big deal to offer something like that to someone with no practical experience.”
“Well, you are kind of a big deal.” Trev grinned
“Stop it!” My cheeks burned hotly with embarrassment and he laughed.
“You thought I was throwing away a sweet job like you have to go back to retail. I see why you were so upset.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “What are you going to do while you job hunt? How are you gonna get around and what about clothes for interviews? I have next week free but after that I have to work.”
“I submitted my resume online to Old Navy, IKEA, and Costco this morning while you were skinning cats in the shower.” He teased smugly. I, so, wanted to hit him.
“I do not skin cats in or out of the shower!” I squawked indignantly.
“Whatever,” his eyes twinkled with merry mischief. He loved winding me up. Bastard. I picked up where we left off.
“Where will you stay? Now will you get to work?”
“Phoenix has an excellent bus line. I'm working on where I'll stay.”
“It could work,” I conceded, “and if Alejandro is okay with it, you can stay with us. We only have two bedrooms though. Trevor, why risk it? You have so much now!”
“Ash, I have my own reasons. I never intended to stay in Wilmington. The Village is great and I owe them everything but I don't want to put down roots there. I want to get back to SoCal eventually. It's a straight shot there from Phoenix. Besides, I don’t want to do inventory management all my life. I was applying to the CompSci program at UC Berkeley before my parents kicked my ass out. It turns out that Arizona State University has an excellent CompSci program.”
“The Village can help but not if you leave, Trevor.” I pointed out.
“Didn’t you say there was a Village out here too?”
“It isn't organized like back in Wilmington. Seth is from this area. His family lives in Phoenix. They inspired the Village.”
“Okay, so maybe I can transfer out here or something.”
“I don't think it works that way.”
“We won't know until we ask. What could it hurt?” Trev glanced my way with a frown of concern. “Ash, what is it? Why are you really upset?”
I looked out of the window as I thought about it. “I couldn't live with myself if you ended up back on the streets because of me. It’s not worth it, Trevor.”
“You aren’t worth it, you mean? That is what you're really saying isn't it?” We pulled off on the side of the road and parked. He turned in his seat to face me.
“Ash, I've done stupid things but I'm not stupid. I’m going to talk with Seth but I want to have a plan of action and things already moving when I do. You know he’ll respect that, and maybe he’ll help me. As for us, I think you are worth it and more. It kills me that you're so hard on yourself. Tell me, what do you want?”
Shit. I hated when he did that. This whole argument was about him doing something stupid and impulsive and somehow I'm pouring my heart out to him. The aggravating thing was how it all made sense and I wanted to cut the wrist of my secrets and bleed out my trauma for him. He listened to my pain. He accepted my reality, he acknowledged my fears, he validated my concerns, all without vapid pep talks, insulting platitudes, or coddling my bullshit. How in the world did I ever end up with such a perfect companion? I slipped my fingers into his hand.
“I want you to stay.” I confessed my selfishness. “I want you to stay with me, in my room. It might be cramped but it's only temporary. “I’ll drive you where you need to go but Trevor, you have to promise me, if this doesn't work out, you'll call Seth for help. You will not end up homeless on the streets again! Do you hear me?”
“Okay, babe, I promise.” He bent across the center console and we kissed.
I drew back with an uncertain smile. “So, I'm ‘babe’ now?”
“Too soon?” He asked with mock concern.
“Drive, fool,” I chuffed.
“Ouch, so bossy!”
TREVOR
The final leg of our journey was a 718 mile slog from Albuquerque, New Mexico to Phoenix, Arizona. We took I-40 westbound until it merged with State Road 277. We stopped for a while to stretch our legs and take pictures at the Painted Desert Visitor Center and the Rainbow Forest Museum at Petrified Forest National Park. I saw a bunch of rocks but Ash was so excited about every little thing and then it struck me. Ash had never been on a vacation or went someplace just for fun.
He told me about growing up dirt poor and taking care of their mom until she passed away. After that their piece of shit brother left them to starve until Child Services yanked him out of the home. From what he told me foster care was better but Ash rarely got out beyond the occasional school field trip. It broke my heart to see Ash get excited over the least little thing. It told me how much he had missed.
It seemed my decision to move to Phoenix with them cut a chain on this invisible anchor dragging Ash down. We went outside to look at the old cars on display and I followed along, listening to Ash motor mouth. He finally saw me smiling at them and paused to say “what” with a hint of suspicion. That only made it funnier to me.
“Do you stop to breathe while you're talking?” I laughed.
“I'm sorry!” He ducked their head, mortified. I drew them back against me for a hug and I kissed their hair.
“Never stop, Ash. You do you.” He preened cutely at my words. I gave them a peck on the lips until someone cleared their throat rudely.
“Do you have to do that here? We have kids!” Some random woman nearby sneered in disgust. One of her older kids rolled her eyes dramatically while the apparent mother turned to shield her impressionable seven-ish year-old boy's eyes.
Ash turned as white as a sheet while I draped my arm around their waist comfortingly. I flashed a calm smile at the woman. “Yes, I do, thank you for asking. Maybe your kids will learn something useful.”
She gave me a murderous glare and steered her little darlings ahead on the tour.
Ash gaped like a beached fish until he finally burst into a fit of surreptitious giggling. He bumped into me with a shoulder.
“You are so bad!”
“What, that was nothing. If you want to hear ‘bad,” I whispered hotly next to their ear. “Let me tell you what I’d do to that park ranger over there. You see him?”
“The one leaning against the back his jeep,” Ash sounded hungry and not for food.
I closed my eyes and pictured us approaching that big, sexy, blond ranger who looked like he could carry his jeep on his shoulder. I saw our reflections in his sunglasses as we made him an offer he couldn't refuse. He led us to a hidden place behind some rocks where Ash and I dropped to our knees facing each other. We fished the ranger’s fat fuck meat from his fly and dueled over whose lips got to pull on that thick, juicy dick like a straw. The loser got to suck on his big, hairy balls.
“Suck that dick you little sluts.” He grabbed us by the back of our hair and face fucked each of us in turn until spit and tears ran down our faces in rivulets. I finally snapped my jeans down, turned, and rammed my ass on the ranger’s rod dry. I hissed in satisfaction at the burn as he drilled for oil in my reservoir.
“Take it all, bitch,” he punched the air out of my lungs with every slam into my hole until I was so fucked out that I forgot my name. Meanwhile, Ash swallowed my monster deep into their throat. I watched as their pretty red lips stretched tight around my girth. I felt his neck bulge as my rod sank deep in their throat. I set a punishing rhythm to match the guy fucking me. My balls slapped Ash's chin as the ranger clapped my taint with his.
I couldn't handle being serviced at both ends for long. I felt my balls chamber a round and I shouted a warning. Ash nursed on my dick like a baby as I pumped their belly full of rich cream while the ranger dragged me back against him and sprayed my guts white with his spunk.
I finished my little impromptu fantasy with my chin resting on Ash’s shoulder and my arms wrapped snugly around their waist. He backed against my very hard, very prominent bulge and squirmed, “Do you have to tell me things like that in public?” He whined.
“Yep,” I slapped their ass as I strode to the next car. I winked back over my shoulder, “You forget, I like being watched.”
***
The rest of the drive to Phoenix went uneventfully. We pulled into the apartment complex at just past 6:30 PM local time. The sunset’s glow still burned fiery red on the horizon and the wind nipped with a February chill. I texted ahead to let Alejandro know we were outside since Ash was driving. We spotted him standing in the parking lot and Alejandro waved us into the space reserved for his unit. I hopped out and took in our surroundings while Ash and his new roommate talked next to the car. I was familiar with cacti and gravel landscaping from back when I lived in SoCal but the old, gigantic Saguaro was new to me. I'd seen pictures, but I was in awe of them. The grounds and buildings were clean and lit well which impressed me. The complex was composed of rows of two story buildings with flat roofs and simple boxlike construction. Each row building was divided into single floor units suitable for students and small, working class families. It was clean and well tended. I saw a gated pool close by at the end of this row. Surprisingly, walkways were covered and lit well on both floors. There were a few people outside hanging out so the area must have felt safe. I rounded the car as Ash's roommate extended his hand in greeting. Ash did the honors in their typically tongue tied fashion.
“Um, Trevor, this is my roommate, Alejandro. Alejandro, this is, um, Trevor, my best friend.”
“Call me Alejo(1), I only hear ‘Alejandro’ when it's time to run.” He beamed at me as we shook. He had big, strong hands with a confident grip and holy hell, this guy was jacked! He was finely proportioned like a dancer in peak condition. Deep shadows concealed many of his features but those I could see stoked my interest.
Alejo stunned me with swarthy good looks and a long, wavy black mane of hair tied back in a wolf tail. His face was smooth and long with sculpted cheekbones, dimpled cheeks, and a cleft chin. Thick eyebrows and deep, dark lashes framed an alluring gaze of fiery amber. He favored me with a seductive smile revealing perfect white teeth.
He dressed in high dollar gym clothes, a fitted white tank shirt with a square neck, and fine mesh running shorts that hugged his ass like a lover's tongue. The bulge in the front of his shorts was obscene which, by the way he planted his feet shoulder width apart and propped his hips boldly forward, was the point. Alejo was a good time ready to happen and my hole twitched hungrily. Suddenly this whole moving business became a lot more complicated. I stared too blatantly which led to a knowing smirk from Alejo.
“Hi–?” I shook way too long to be polite and Alejo chuckled. He rescued me by turning our attention to the task at hand.
We unloaded Yoda, climbing a flight of steps to the second floor, then hooking a left at the landing. A walk of a few feet led us through the door, and into the end unit overlooking the pool. Ash stayed by the car to guard it and to supervise where things went. He thought ahead and printed a floor plan of the apartment with everything labeled to go where marked. The highlight of the unpacking happened when Ash put a good-size potted plant in Alejo’s hands. “This is Shelob, my spider plant. Be careful with her babies, I don't want to lose any.”
“You named a plant ‘Shelob?’” Alejo gave Ash an bemused look.
I paused with the last box in hand. “What surprises you, that he named a plant or that he named a plant ‘Shelob?’”
“Yes, to both? Do I want to know?”
“Dude, he named the car after an old green frog.” I laughed. “Asso gives everything a name.”
“Yoda is NOT a frog!” Ash locked the car with a huff before bringing up the rear.
“I'll call for pizza while you're getting settled.” Alejo called out. What toppings do you want?” It took a few rounds of verbal sparring to settle on something we all liked and Alejo called it in.
In the meantime, I took in the place now that everything was inside. The apartment was more spacious than I expected. The builders clearly had students in mind when they designed the layout.
Two bedrooms opened from opposite sides of a central living and dining space.
The master bedroom, Alejo's, overlooked the pool in the back. Ash's room in the front looked out over the parking lot. Both bedrooms had private bathrooms. The kitchen was what one might expect save for the breakfast counter that separated it from the living space. It gave the kitchen twice as much usable space which Alejo put to good use with what looked to my eye like a chef's cookware. He had a damn Keurig coffee maker! My parents had one. They were top dollar items for true coffee snobs.
I found a pantry, storage, and laundry room off from the kitchen. I was glad to see Ash spared from having to use a communal laundromat. Now that I had seen the rooms I turned my eye to the furnishings and decor.
A three seater couch divided the living room from the dining area. Alejo placed a wooden coffee table in front of the couch. A flat screen TV hung inside a wall-sized entertainment center with a gaming console, controllers, and small game collection. Two padded stools stood at the breakfast counter while six more chairs sat around a rectangular dining table. There was a standing lamp next to the TV, a track light running along the living room wall next to the couch, and a hanging lanp over the dining table. Everything looked second hand and mismatched but in good shape.
Alejo decorated the walls with Indigenous art. He hung a blanket like a tapestry. It was woven with solid lines and geometric patterns in a classic Indigenous style. It looked authentic and I wondered where he got it from. Eagle masks trimmed with feathers and long leather tassels flanked the tapestry. The display was a beautiful tribute to the original people of this land. I saw framed paintings and photos and moved on.
I studied framed photos of natural beauty, some of which showed Alejo strapped with a backpack beaming with joy. I recognized the Painted Desert and Rainbow Forest in the background of some pictures. Others showed him with several friends. Other photos showed him on a ten speed bike and more showed a backdrop that resembled a gym. He stood in various poses showing off his muscles. I smiled at a few more that showed Alejo in little more than booty shorts and glitter walking down a street, surrounded by gay pride flags. I found a separate set with Alejo in print ads. They were small, like underwear ads, but Alejo looked great in a business suit. I smiled, Ash’s new roommate seemed as outgoing as Ash was shy. I couldn't wait to see how they mixed.
We settled down to rest and eat when I brought up the idea of staying here at least until I found my own place. Alejo mulled it over while devouring pizza slices like a healthy college boy.
“I’ll make you the same deal I made Ash. Stay here a month and contribute toward an equal share of the rent. If you want me to cook, give me fifty bucks each per month to cover groceries and my time. Otherwise, buy your own and put a label on it. If it doesn't have a label, it's public. I'll supply laundry soap and shit for the house because I'm damn picky about what I use. I'm also a prick about keeping the public area clean. Since Trevor will be sleeping on the couch, he will have to put everything away first thing in the morning because guests stop in here all the time.”
“Um, Trev, isn't–” Ash looked ready to spontaneously combust from blushing. “He isn't–He’ll be sleeping in my room.”
Alejo's eyebrows looked ready to take wing in surprise. “There is only one bed in that room.”
“We know,” I smiled.
As the seconds passed a knowing grin spread across Alejo's lips. “So, you two are together?”
Ash launched into a spate of convulsive verbal gymnastics to explain but I stopped them. “We’re still figuring it out.”
“Trevor is my best friend.” Ash nodded at me with a bashful smile.
“So-o-o… friends with benefits, for now?” Alejo guessed. We looked at each other. I let Ash say it.
“I don't want to put a label on it. It's all so new, I'm sorry.” He fidgeted.
“Why do you ask?” I wondered and Alejo heaved a sigh.
“I hate drama. I'm allergic to it. I lost my last roommate after he and his boyfriend blew up. I'm going to be honest right now. I flirt like I breathe. Most of the time I don't mean anything by it but you two are hella cute. We're gonna be walking around this place in our underwear, scratching our balls in front of each other, farting on the couch, you get it. Shit happens.”
“We will?” Ash gaped in shock. Alejo looked nonplussed.
“He has never roomed with guys.” I explained.
“Change and shower in the locker room?” Alejo tried another analogy.
“Nope.” Ash shook their head.
“Father?” Alejo looked increasingly alarmed.
“He died right after I was born.”
“Brothers?” Alejo tried again, losing hope.
“One,” Ash nodded and Alejo sighed with relief.
“He was a total douche.” Ash bit his lip anxiously.
“Fuck.” Alejo scrubbed his face with a palm. “Okay, we’ll play it by ear. Deal?”
“Great!” We sealed the deal and I jumped to my next order of business. “Now all I need is a job.”
Alejo perked up. “What are you looking for?”
“I have a lot of experience with inventory management with Old Navy. I've already submitted my resumé there and at Costco and IKEA. I service computers and write code but I don't have any formal training.”
“I work at Neiman Marcus. I can get you in there. They always need shipping help in the back.”
“Really, dude, thanks!” We fist bumped.
“Ill talk to them Monday morning. You might want to submit your resumé online as soon as possible.” Alejo advised.
“For sure, but I've got a call to make before it's too late on the East Coast.” I left Ash and Alejo to bond while I stepped out.
I texted Seth(2) to arrange for a time to talk. To my surprise, he texted right back. I paced the sidewalk next to the pool to work up the nerve and finally tabbed Seth's number. He picked up immediately, sounding happy to hear from me. “Hey Trev, how's the trip? Are you getting Ash settled in?”
“Hey, Seth, yeah, we got Asso and their spider plant settled and just finished eating. Listen, we discussed something with Alejo and that's why I'm calling. It won't take long if you have time to talk.”
I heard the sound of creaking leather and a muffled sigh. “Okay, shoot.” Seth knew me pretty well and probably knew what was coming next.
“You remember my long term goal is to eventually get back to SoCal. It hit me on the way here that SoCal is a straight drive west from Phoenix. I'm going to stay here for a while, maybe see about starting CompSci classes at Arizona State in the fall.”
“Sounds expensive. Do you have a plan to pay for it?” Seth said, sounding like a parent.
“I've already submitted resumés online and Alejandro said he can get me in at Nieman’s where he works. It might help if I had a letter of recommendation from Max.”
“I’m sure he’d do that for you” Seth said with a bit of a sigh, I knew he was agreeing with me to buy time while he figured out what to say. “Have you thought about where you’re going to live?”
“I discussed it with Ash and Alejandro. They are letting me stay with them for now. Ash is still looking for a place of their own but we’ll have more options if we move in together as roommates.”
“Phoenix is pretty spread out, how are you going to get around?” He asked.
“Yeah, that came up earlier. At the moment all I can do is take the bus.”
“It'll take you hours to get from school to work and back home on a bus. You’re gonna need a car.”
“I don't suppose Daddy James has a franchise here in Phoenix?” I crossed my fingers.
“You got an answer for everything don’t you?” Seth said. He stayed calm, but I could tell he was getting a little annoyed with me. “Are you sure you’re telling me everything?”
Shit, he was probably on to me and Ash. I didn't want this to turn into another argument about me doing something stupid and impulsive so, I kept the focus on me. “I’m looking for a job, a place to live, and transportation. What more is there to tell?”
“I dunno, maybe that you and Ash are more than best friends?” Yep, he was onto us but he didn't know for sure–I hoped.
“No. Seriously, I’m doing this for me, Seth. I swear.” I tried to convince him, or maybe I was trying to convince myself. Well, either way, I don’t think he was buying it. I wasn’t lying. I WAS doing this for me. Yeah, Ash was definitely the cherry on top, but it was for me first.
Seth talked it through with me and basically told me that if I truly believed it was the right move, he’d support me, but he made me promise to do it right… go back to North Carolina, give Max my notice, and talk to him in person. He also promised to talk to Daddy James about helping me find a car. It actually went better than I expected, but then again. Seth was always on my side.
I finished the call and walked a bit to calm down. I didn't feel that much stress when my parents kicked me out. I respected Seth, though. His opinion mattered. I headed back inside.
Ash took the news that I was leaving well on the surface but I knew better than to believe it. I nudged them to call it an early night. We climbed over boxes to make the bed and curled up together under the blankets.
Ash was silent and shaking like a leaf, dissociating. I hugged them tight and kissed the back of their neck until we fell asleep. Our first night in our new home.
(1) Pronounced “ah-LAY-ho” or “ah-LEH-ho”
(2) Seth Westin-Hall: CEO, Client Therapist, The Village
AUTHOR NOTE: No two intersex people are alike. Ash’s symptoms reflect the experience of one person save where mentioned.
SPECIAL NOTE: I write in an imaginary world where sexually transmitted diseases do not exist. Stay safe, PrEP before you play and glove it before you love it.
