Just Ash

Intersex: Noun

1: a term used to describe people who are born with biological sex characteristics that don’t fit the binary of male or female. These characteristics can include reproductive organs, anatomy, hormones, or chromosomes. Intersex traits may be apparent at birth, or they may not appear until puberty or adulthood.

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Ash

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Y’all, the big day was here! I was going out to a gay club with a bunch of my friends! I know, right? Me, excited about being social, but there it is. That said, tonight was a big deal for another reason.

I spent all of my life so far living as a gay man. It was good for a time but eventually things crept in around the edges, things that separated me from other gay men or men at all. 

They were feelings mostly, hints of a different nature than the role I played. Softer feelings, gentler, behavior that men, especially boys my age sneered at as “sissy” or “girly” but that came to me as natural as breathing.

At first I thought I was, in fact, one of these “sissy”, effeminate boys. I was always little and delicate compared to other boys. Adults whispered about how I was as pretty as a girl when they thought I couldn’t hear. I hated it. I hated being like this. I couldn’t change it so I hid. I hid physically and I hid inside my art and in books. I cultivated a love of science fiction and fantasy stories where I could imagine I was an exotic alien being with special gifts and powers to offer humanity. Then, I learned the truth. 

One day when I was 16 a doctor revealed that when my mama was pregnant, she originally carried twins, a boy and a girl. My sister’s fetus failed but instead of ending in a miscarriage, my fetus absorbed my sister’s body inside my own. The doctor called the condition “Tetragametic Chimerism”. I was a Chimera, literally a mix of two human beings in one body. This random mix of boy and girl inside me led to a secondary condition where my body had no map to know how I would develop in puberty. That condition, called Klinefelter Syndrome, left me what people used to call a “hermaphrodite”, a combination of man and woman. People these days call it “intersex”.

I had a cock and balls but they never matured sexually. I had a partial uterus and ovaries too but they were locked away inside me. The doctor said that I was one of the rarest of the rare, “special”. I didn’t feel very special. I felt cursed.

I hid the part about absorbing my twin from everybody. That just sounded gross, like maybe I was some cannibalistic Frankenstein’s monster. It was hard enough to wrap my head around being intersex. It answered my silent question though, I really was different from others. Hell, I was different from everybody, a fingerprint on the universe. There was a gosh darned medical reason for me acting like a sissy. Like it made a difference in my day-to-day life. That leads me to now. 

I grew up. I got a damn good job. I moved to the big city and I met others like me. My new friends Shea, Jalan, and Lee were helping me to accept my uniqueness, to love who and what I was. Part of that was embracing my feminine nature. I started wearing makeup to work. Nothing dramatic but it was a giant step for me. The second big step was tonight. I was going all-out with a total makeover and a new outfit that mixed up masculine and feminine styles. To say I was nervous was an understatement but the more I thought about it, I owed this to my twin sister. I liked to think that she sacrificed herself to save me. She was still alive as part of me. In learning to love myself, I learned to love her. It was time that I honored what she gave me–no more shame, no more hiding. It was time to take pride in who I was.

I knew going in that direction might lead to painful changes in my life. The first casualty, my relationship with my boyfriend, Alejo. I assumed things between us were good until the day he saw me wearing makeup. He rejected it outright and I took that as a rejection of me. It broke my heart but I moved back to my bedroom with my other boyfriend, Trevor. – yeah, I had two boyfriends. Where have y’all been? 

Anyway, I was a ball of nerves about tonight. Trevor worked until 6:00, so I spent the day googling gay nightclubs and practicing with dance videos. However, there was another reason why I was so nervous.

Ricky.

I met Enrique “Ricky” Reyes at my Friday D&D games. He was my age, built like a tank, utterly gorgeous, and blind. He was also confident, sexy, charming, goofy, thoughtful, he spoke nine languages, and he was freakishly talented as a singer and musician. We kissed accidentally, I think? I ran out after that and never asked. I was afraid to find out. 

Ricky stirred feelings deep inside that terrified me and excited me in equal measure. I never felt this way with anyone. I didn’t know why but I felt guilty about it. My feelings confused me and that led to stupid mistakes. I never told Ricky about Trevor and vice versa. I still had plenty of time to do it. All I had to do was fire off a text to Trevor that a gaming friend was joining us tonight. I sat to do it and stared blankly at my phone. I knew why I hesitated and that scared me worse than anything.

Trevor would be all over Ricky like white on rice from the moment he set eyes on the guy. I loved Trevor but it bothered me that he was sure to lust after Ricky. He was like a kid in the candy store whenever he met someone new and hot. It wasn’t only that Trevor was a horndog, he genuinely liked people and sex was just another way to have fun and to get to know people. I enjoyed watching as Trevor’s eyes lit up, his jaw fell open, and the biggest, happiest grin spread across his lips. It made me happy to see him happy, but not this time. I didn’t know him well but I had a strong feeling that Ricky would not like Trevor drooling over him. I wanted to protect Ricky from it–from Trevor–and that gave me pause.

Why not warn Trevor ahead of time? I thought. That would solve the problem, right? Except, that involved telling Trevor about Ricky, which I didn’t want to do.

Ugh!

Wouldn’t it be great if they met and got along? I told myself. Then if anything sexy happened it would be between the three of us. That would be the happiest outcome, right? Then everything would be above board, honest, equal, and consensual as it should be. 

Only, that feeling in my chest told me that Ricky was different. Special. I wanted to protect him but more–

I didn’t want to share. 

That thought bothered me more than anything. I never felt that way about anyone and I didn’t like that I wanted to keep a whole person secret from my boyfriend. Firstly, it was a stupid idea. Ricky and Trevor were meeting tonight whether I liked it or not. Secondly, the notion of keeping Ricky to myself felt wrong. I felt dirty and ugly just contemplating it. Was that the kind of person I wanted to be? Is that how I wanted the people in my life to remember me?

My thoughts were racing worse than anything since before leaving North Carolina. I didn’t understand these feelings and I hated where they were leading me. 

I bit the bullet and texted Trevor. I cautioned him to ‘not to spook the new boy’ –though the idea that Trevor could spook Ricky was ludicrous. Trevor understandably wanted details but I remained vague. I felt better but the biggest temptation remained.

Shea called to go over the plan. “Everybody is meeting at Frank and Lupe’s at 8:00?”

“Yep” I checked my notes against hers. 

“You’re picking up Ricky at 5:00 and meeting Jalan at Lee’s. Have you called Ricky?”

“I did, he’s considering letting Jalan doll him up.”

“That should be fun!” She laughed.

“You’re sure you’re good to keep Trevor company ‘til we get there? He can be a handful.” I bit my lip nervously but Shea laughed.

“Wes will be there too. The two jumping beans can bounce off each other.”

“Thank god Trev can’t drink yet.” I rubbed phantom sweat from my brow. 

“Lee isn’t driving tonight. She’ll drink enough for all of us.”

“Oh, god…” I contemplated a drunk Lee and a sober Trevor in the same room and groaned.

“I hope you aren’t having second thoughts.” She grew serious. 

“More like a million second thoughts. My brain kitties won’t settle down! I’m ready to set phasers and stun the little fuckers. I mean, why are we going to so much trouble? It ain’t like it’s my birthday or anything.”

“Firstly, Jal and Lee would be hurt to hear you talk like that. Both are going all out for your big night. The least you can do is enjoy it.”

I winced. “You’re right, I’m sorry–and I will.”

“This is a big step in your life. Your friends want to be there to celebrate it with you.”

“That’s really nice of y’all and I appreciate it. I just–I ain’t used to people being nice yet. I don’t know how to feel–how to act.”

“Just be Ash, that’s enough.” I smiled at her kindness. 

“I just wish Alejo was gonna be there.” My thoughts slipped out before I could hold back.

“You didn’t invite him?” Shea asked. 

“I wanted to but I kept thinking back to how he looked when he saw my makeup. It’s too late anyway. He was gone when I got up and he has been staying out ‘til late. I worry about him.”

“Alejo’s a big boy. Focus on what you can do now and that is tonight. I’m going to go. I have things to do before I pick up Wes tonight. We aren’t taking chances with his car battery.”

“Can’t he afford a new one?” I wondered aloud. 

“He turns his checks over to his dad and he says they don’t have money to spare. I don’t believe the man but it isn’t my place to say anything.” She sighed. “Anyway, I’ve got to go.”

“See ya,” I hung up and saw the time. It was still early but if I stayed here I would drive myself crazy. I sent Ricky a voicemail and asked if I could come over now. I checked my social media while I waited for a response. Oh, a DM from Kevin! That meant what he wanted was personal. He was careful to keep work stuff at work. I appreciated that about him.

Kevin: Hey, we’re going with Brad and Scotty’s family to Disney this July. Would you like to house sit for us while we’re gone?

I typed out an apology until I realized that it was probably a bad idea to join Alejo when he looked after Brad and Scotty’s home. I backtracked and accepted.

Ash: OMG that gorgeous place? I’d love to! Can I bring my boyfriend, Trevor?

Kevin: Haha, I’m glad you like our place. Yeah, sure, you can bring your boyfriend. Just remember to add chlorine to the pool and the hot tub before we get back. 😉 

I blushed to the roots of my hair and I was alone in the damn house! That was the exact thing Brad and Scotty said to Alejo, they must have talked to Kevin and Randy about running into us back on Camelback Mountain. That meant that my big boss knew about what I did with my two boyfriends behind a big rock in broad daylight. Oh, my god! One would think that would cure me of doing stuff like that with Trevor but damn, at the time it was so much fun! I guess I just have to own it like Trevor says. Nobody seems to think less of me for it.

Thankfully, Ricky got back to me with an answer about going over early. “Hell yeah!”

I laughed. “I can’t be certain but you seem happy that I’m coming over.”

“YUP!” he responded. I giggled and grinned like a damn fool. I almost forgot to feel anxious. 

I drove over. Ricky lived just down the road which was convenient but it left me with little time to rehearse what I wanted to say to him. I sat in the car outside his apartment mulling over what to say, what to do. 

Maybe he would say something first? Should I let him or should I say something first? I was so out of my comfort zone. It scared me and thrilled me half to death at the same time.

I felt so nervous as I walked up to his door. Gwenny started barking before I used the doorbell. I don’t think she likes me, my thoughts turned dark as I waited. The feeling is becoming mutual.

I stood stunned as the door opened. Ricky looked amazing under the lights at night but the late afternoon sun caught his sightless blue eyes just right to steal my breath away. His outfit only added to his appeal. 

Ricky wore all black because of his blindness but the color suited him well. He wore a tight mesh shirt, sleeveless, with a plunging V-neck collar that accentuated his muscles beautifully. Cargo pants hugged his most attractive assets to perfection while comfy high top sneakers let me know that he planned to be on his feet tonight.

Ricky furrowed his brow, “Ash?”

I sputtered after a second. “Hi! Yeah, I’m an idiot. You can’t see me.”

He laughed, “I smelled your cologne. All is good.”

“Score one for body odor?” I laughed anxiously. “Are you ready to go?”

“What are you talking about?” He leaned in and sniffed deeply behind my ear. He hummed with pleasure. “You smell incredible–fresh and woodsy, mmm…citrus, spicy, and floral.”

My eyes fluttered closed as I shivered at his nearness. The warm air rising from his throat captured my attention with a kick of spicy citrus. Beneath that I scented vanilla and coconut. 

I purred deeply with contentment that shifted swiftly to a gasp of alarm. I had somehow slid my arms around Ricky’s broad back and held him close. Hugging Ricky came so spontaneously to me, so natural. He held me with gentle strength in turn. I guess he was okay with it?  He continued sniffing down my neck in the most alluring manner. My toes curled with pleasure and I took a fluttery breath, “Um, Ricky?”

“Yes,” He took a step back to compose himself and abruptly cleared his throat. “Would you like to come in? It’s early and I’d like to talk before we go.”

“Alright” I said as I stepped inside. He led me past the morbid bone paintings, then retrieved two bottles of cold water.

I looked around, “where is Gwenny?”

“I banished her to her kennel for being a bad girl last night.”

I felt bad about that. “I’m sorry, I love animals! I don’t understand why she hates me so much.” 

“She doesn’t hate you. Most of the time it’s just the two of us. She gets jealous when I pay attention to anyone else. Here,” he gave me a grocery bag. I looked inside as Ricky explained with an apologetic tone. 

“I found your shoes in Gwenny’s kennel this morning. I’m sorry but they feel well chewed. I’ll pay for replacements.”

“Yeah, they definitely have that ‘no survivors’ look. You’re sure she doesn’t hate me?” I wondered.

He laughed. “Maybe a little. Here, sit.” I took my water and we sat on the same couch as last night. I flashed back to the moment we almost kissed and shivered. The silence between us grew awkward, so I figured it was up to me to start. 

“I’m sorry about running–”

“I’m sorry for making you nervous–”

Our words tumbled over each other at the same time and we laughed. I wanted to speak first but he insisted he go first. 

“Ash, please, I want to apologize. I came on too strong last night and I’m sorry. It’s just, I enjoy spending time with you. I haven't felt this way about anyone.”

“You too?” I blurted. 

A slow, hopeful smile crept across his lips. “You feel it too?”

I nodded like a silly duck. I kept forgetting that he was blind. I said, “Yeah, it’s kinda scary but good too.”

“Exactly, that’s it!” Ricky huffed with relief. “I thought I might be going crazy or something.”

“If you’re going crazy then I am too.” 

“Ha! Crazy together, that doesn't sound too bad.” He reached for me but then paused. “May I touch you?”

I nodded again, rolled my eyes at myself, then said “yes”. Ricky caressed my cheek with his palm. He brushed my lips with the pad of his thumb. I trembled with excitement at his touch. 

“You’re growing warm” Ricky observed with a breathy voice. 

This time he felt my nod. “I’m blushing my fool head off!”

He chuckled at that. “I love listening to your voice. Your accent is crazy.”

“Is nawt” I drawled to his delight. I cast my gaze down. My chest hurt but I had to say it. “Ricky, I should’ve told you last night but…” I pushed it out. “I have a boyfriend.”

“Oh.” His expression fell like a stone and I felt like the lowest piece of gutter trash.

“His name is Trevor, you’ll meet him tonight. I don’t think he will mind us touching and talking. We have an arrangement.”

He frowned “what kind of arrangement?

I told him about my plan to start a new life after I moved here, about how Trevor supported me, about how he was cool if I dated and slept with other people.

“We both have an open mind. We even had another boyfriend until recently.”

“You don’t sound happy.” Ricky slid his hand until he held mine. 

“I don’t?” That puzzled me. 

“You sound uncomfortable. It seems to me like, if you were really happy with your arrangement, you would be happy to talk about it.”

“Well, it’s different and a lot of people turn their noses up at anything that isn’t white bread, cookie cutter conformity.”

“You were worried that I might judge you? Nah, who cares what people think? I couldn’t do anything like that but if you can, more power to you.”

My hopes dashed against the sharp rocks of disappointment as Ricky said that. “Why can’t you?”

Ricky pondered my question for a while before answering. “I’ll be blunt. I am a greedy motherfucker and I will shout it from the mountain top. When I love someone I give them everything I have–all of my love, all of my time, all of my passion. I’m all in, I hold nothing back. That person is the single most important person in my life.”

My heart thumped harder in my chest as I listened. Ricky’s words resonated with something deep inside me. “See, that’s how I thought it was!”

“Why isn’t it now?” Ricky squeezed my hand.

“Trevor is into polyamory. He thinks it’s possible to have what you said with more than one person.”

“Who knows, maybe he’s right? I only know what is right for me at this point in my life. What do you want, Ash?” 

I stared at my hands, paralyzed with confusion and indecision. I should not have come inside but I could not stay away. I wanted to be here more than anything. Ricky wanted an answer so I cobbled something together from the jumble in my skull. “I…I don’t know.”

Ricky drew his fingers up my chest, up along the artery pulsing in my neck, higher still until his fingers threaded through my hair behind my ear. His thumb brushed my cheek with reverent care. “I think you do.” He spoke deeply. “I think you should know something about me.”

“What is that?” I trembled at his caress.

“When I’m certain about what I want, I go for it. I hold nothing back.” 

“Why tell me this?” I leaned into his palm as he drew nearer. He stared blankly ahead but his words grasped my soul.

“Because I want you.” His thumb slid to the corner of my lips. I clenched the tip between my teeth until our lips touched. A fire lit inside me then and before conscious thought could override me, I pressed hungrily into his kiss. 

A feeling I’d never known with any other man caught flame inside me. That incredible feeling from last night reignited with the fierceness of a conflagration. My next conscious thought revealed that I now straddled Ricky's lap and my shirt had vanished. Far from taken aback, he met my ardor with equal intensity. His kisses were all teeth and tongue, ravenous, filthy, and oh, so perfect. He caged me in his arms with muscles bulging, roused to the hunt, but I was exactly where I wanted to be. We rocked together to the beat of a song only we could hear. My breathing grew ragged and needy as Ricky kissed down the column of my neck and chest. I let my head fall back in complete surrender until something unexpected happened.

“AWOOO-OW-OO-WOW-OO-ROOROO…!!!”

Gwenny’s howl cut through the haze of my passion with the efficacy of a chainsaw. I froze stock still as she continued howling at the top of her lungs.

My thoughts seethed. That dirty little BITCH! 

Ricky fell back on the couch and burst out laughing. I didn’t see what was so funny until reason reasserted its dominion over my brain. My brain kitties of course scattered at the canine interruption but I laughed at the absurdity of the moment.

I climbed off to let Ricky calm Gwenny down before his neighbors complained. In the meantime I found my cast-off shirt and fixed my hair using the mirror in the front bathroom. I couldn’t face my reflection when Ricky came back. 

He didn’t ask this time, he wrapped his arms around me from behind and drew me back into his embrace. I let him. I think we both knew I wanted it.

He rested his lips on my neck for a while. “What are you thinking?”

“That maybe we should get going?” I pasted a cheerful smile on my face only to figure out that I was fooling nobody. 

“You’re upset, I can hear it in your voice. Your pulse is fast. Didn’t you say that Trevor wouldn’t mind?”

“He won’t but he is going to want you too.” I sulked at that thought. –what was wrong with me? 

“Would you be okay with that?”

“No.” There, my damnation was complete. –Welcome to the Dark Side, Ash.

I couldn’t be sure but I thought I saw a ghost of a smile tugging at the corner of Ricky’s lips.

I hated this and it spewed out in my next words. “Ignore me. You should be free to sleep with Trevor if that is what you want. I have no right to dictate who you choose to be with. None of this makes sense! We barely know each other–”

“Ash,” he kissed me. “Shut up.”

We hugged and I buried my face in his neck. I felt so safe in his arms. The way we rocked gently together, the way he rubbed his thumb on my back.

“I’m scared,” I confessed.

“I am too,” he admitted. “It’s cool too, exciting!”

“Yeah!” I blurted an unexpected laugh. I didn’t feel so alone in this weird situation. 

“Why don’t we take things slow, figure things out as we go?”

“I like that.” I stepped back.

“Cool, let’s just enjoy your big night. We’ll take it one step at a time, one day at a time. That way you can figure out what you want.”

I had a strong feeling he knew what I wanted. I did too but I had no idea how to get it without causing a lot of pain. I put that thought aside for now and got back on the road with Ricky at my side.

To be continued….

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AUTHOR NOTE: No two intersex people are alike. Ash’s symptoms reflect the experience of one person save where mentioned. 

SPECIAL NOTE: I write in an imaginary world where sexually transmitted diseases do not exist. Sadly, they do in the real world. Stay safe. PrEP before you play and glove it before you love it.