Intersex: Noun
1: a term used to describe people who are born with biological sex characteristics that don’t fit the binary of male or female. These characteristics can include reproductive organs, anatomy, hormones, or chromosomes. Intersex traits may be apparent at birth, or they may not appear until puberty or adulthood.
Phoenix A’cation Conclusion
Ash
I had a good cry and calmed down. Trevor knocked on the door a couple of times to check on me and leave things I needed (Trevor and I all but moved into Alejo’s room). I was grateful that he gave me time and space to process what happened.
In hindsight I saw how I had been upset long before what happened at The Resort. Having Seth and Zach catch us literally with our pants down just put the dingle berry on top of a craptacualar day. I was so glad that I held back from yelling at the guys. They did their best under the circumstances. Laughing was better than pitching a fit –or panicking. I thought. I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror as another, more disturbing explanation for my extreme reaction occurred to me.
I was due for my injection of testosterone. I felt run down by this time anyway. Wild mood swings, irritability, and inexplicable fits of temper were symptoms I lived with for years. It was one reason why I chose to withdraw from people. I wanted to spare them from my crazy outbursts and avoid humiliation. Could my anger have come from low hormones? Could it have made the anger worse?
I hated this. I hated second guessing my thoughts and emotions. I could not tell legitimate concerns from manic paranoia. One thing was certain, it was going to grow progressively worse until I got that shot.
I crossed the apartment and crawled into bed with the guys. Trevor looked up, awake, smiling with relief as I climbed into his embrace. We lay on our sides while I buried my face under his chin. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.” I apologized quietly.
“It’s okay, you had a hell of a day.” He whispered while cuddling me.
“Thank you, but that is no excuse to take it out on you. I’ll do better.”
He responded by squeezing me tight. I choked out a sob from seemingly nowhere and returned his hug with equal fervor. I got a second surprise when a half-asleep Alejo rolled on top of both of us. After some “oofs” and grunts we repositioned. I fell asleep with both him and Trevor holding me. Goddamn, I felt so lucky.
Morning arrived and we slept late. Kevin’s party was this evening. While I felt better, I still dreaded facing Seth. I mulled over chickening out and staying home but my guys were having none of that.
“Come on,” Trev pleaded. “You took a huge step last night, don't take two back.”
“Own your life, Ash,” Alejo encouraged. “Don’t wait for things to happen, make them happen!”
“What if I mess up” I worried.
“Then you messed up” Trevor shrugged. “Pick up and move on.”
“Everybody makes mistakes, Ash.” Alejo gave me a pointed look. “Everybody. You aren’t perfect and nobody expects you to be, so quit trying.”
Trevor hugged me. “Try being human. It’s fun! It’s messy. You don’t even need condoms!”
“Horndog!” I poked him.
“Says one!” We devolved into juvenile tickling.
We later followed Alejo to the store where he educated us on what to pick up for great Mexican cooking and stuff to avoid. Trevor got bored and started playing with the produce.
He brought an eggplant to me. “You think this is about the size of ‘Alli-Joe’s’ dick?
“Why, the real one isn't enough for you?” the target of said comparison deadpanned while facing another direction entirely.
Somehow we managed to get out of the store without being arrested. Alejo promised to cook enchiladas for the party. Those of us who didn’t know how to cook picked up fried chicken, sodas, and a couple of pies from the deli. We arrived in the afternoon and had time to just get into our swimsuits (modest swim trunks around the kids) and slather on sunscreen when a stampede of boys and men returned from four-wheeling and hunting snakes in the desert.
Day-um y’all, there were SO MANY HOT GUYS! I was never so glad that I wore dark sunglasses, I didn’t think I could have resisted looking had I tried.
A little while later Mauricio broke into the music to announce “Princess Brooklyn and Princess Izzy!”
Oh, my god! Izzy looked so CUTE walking the catwalk around the pool in a princess dress and hair extensions. She didn't seem to recognize me without a shirt and wearing dark glasses so I seized the opportunity to snap pictures of her and Brooklyn. I got ideas about a painting each for Christmas.
I saw Alejo and Trevor as they greeted Seth. I could not bring myself to approach after last night. I didn’t get close to Izzy in case–
“ASSO!” Izzy finally saw me and raced around the pool to get to me.
“Izzy!” I braced as Seth yelled. Here it was, he was going to–
“NO RUNNING BY THE POOL” Seth yelled.
The tension bled out as I gusted with relief. She jumped into my lap and put a stranglehold around my neck with her arms. Toddlers were surprisingly strong.
I hugged her dearly, tears lapping at my lashes. I loved this little girl. My very first friend. Izzy changed my life for the better.
“L-L-Look at my naos!” She accentuated her “L” sound, a new trick since I moved away. She was growing so fast! Izzy wiggled rainbow nails sprinkled with glitter in my face.
“So pretty!” I gushed much to her preening delight.
“You look beautiful,” I said.
“Yeah. I do” she smiled back and I laughed.
We caught up as much as one did with a toddler and I decided to beard the lion in his den. I carried Izzy over by Seth and let her show her nails to someone else. Trevor slid an arm around my waist and kissed my ear. Alejo stepped close behind me. They let me know I was not alone. I needed their support. Eventually looked up at Seth.
He seemed calm and content. I couldn’t bring myself to speak but I needn’t have bothered. Seth addressed us first, “I hope you guys had fun, that took a lot of courage to try something new like that.”
After that we talked about other things. I floated through it all. I kept thinking about what Seth said. I stepped away ostensibly to get a refill but I wanted to sit and just process for a little while.
I came here expecting the worst but as usual, Seth surprised me in the best of ways. The more I thought about what he said, the better I felt.
Seth got it! He understood why I put myself out there and risked public humiliation at the Resort. Better still, Seth let Izzy come to me. He didn’t brand me a “pervert” and keep her away from me (Zach even joked about it at the time). Everything was okay. I faced my absolute worst fear and came out okay! I felt on top of the world and ready to celebrate. Oh, shit, my conversation with Brian came back to me and I remembered what I originally wanted to do while Seth was here in person. I was wasting time!
I crept back to the pool party and poured a cup of Code Red. The flavor of lemon and lime kissed with a hint of cherries refreshed my soul. It was perfect for a party by the pool. I would mainline the stuff if I could.
Anyway, I smiled at Alejo and Trevor having a “Chicken Fight” in the pool. They squared off against the A’s, Alex and Adam. Alex was jacked, incredibly hot, and he had red hair like mine. Adam was a blond ex-Marine and built like a tank with muscles on top of muscles, buried by muscles. The amazingly fit Alejo looked like a slacker next to him. The A’s were older than us, I guessed by maybe ten years. They were filled out, mature, at their full adult weight and muscles (and they were sexy as fuck). I loved my boys but they didn’t stand a chance. The older kids were in the pool screaming gleefully, cheering on their picks to win. The older guys were egging the kids on, enjoying themselves. It was so sweet seeing everybody having fun. It was like we were all one big extended family. I stopped abruptly as it hit me –We were family. This was my family. They loved me and supported me. Brian’s words came back to me and I knew. This was what I wanted from my relationship. Did Trevor and Alejo want it too? I didn’t know but I had to be prepared for their honest answers and be ready to accept what it meant.
Trevor caught my eye from his perch on Aleho’s shoulders and I read his expression. You want to join us? He said with his eyes. I smiled and shook my head.
You go on, have fun, I gestured as if to push him to go play. He beamed from ear-to-ear.
Okay, love you! He waved and got back to the serious business of kicking butt. I savored how we could communicate silently like that. It wasn’t telepathy but it was close enough for my nerd brain.
I spotted Seth sitting on the end of a lounge chair talking with a group wearing modest swim trunks. Zach draped across the lounge wearing a more sporty bathing suit, as sleek and as relaxed as a great cat. I saw how he drew up a knee and Seth wrapped an arm around it subconsciously while he talked. They radiated love and contentment from every pore of their being.
That is what I want.
I stepped up to the group. They were all adults and I felt a bit like an intruder but I was an adult now too. I wanted to act like it and who better to learn from?
I listened politely while making eye contact with Seth. I made it known that I wanted to talk without butting in –at least, I hoped I did.
“Um, I talked to Brian a few days ago.” I took a steady breath and went for it. “We talked about relationships, about how I never saw one growing up and how I had nothing to look at for comparison outside books and movies. I need to talk to people who have good relationships and you were the first person I thought of. You aren’t my therapist anymore so maybe we can just… talk. Oh, hell, I’m saying too much again, aren’t I? I’m sorry, I’m nervous.”
Seth just smiled and said, “yeah, of course, do you want to go somewhere more private?” I nodded. Words were not being my friend at that moment, but I swore I would master them and get through this conversation. Seth led me into the kitchen, he made himself a drink, “Since this is a friend talk, I’m having a cocktail” he said with a wink and a grin before leading me through the dining room and out to this private little patio on the other side of Kevin’s house. Kevin’s house was very cool, it was like 1950’s Hollywood cool. We sat down at a tiny bistro table and Seth started the conversation (thank god, I had no clue how to start). “So, you’re in a relationship and trying to figure out what an actual relationship looks like… did I get that right?” He asked, I had to chuckle because Seth understood me. “So, I take it this relationship is with Trevor” I nodded and before I could say anything he raised his eyebrows and added, “And…?“ Seth knew me, and he wasn’t about to let me get away with not telling the whole truth.
I just nodded as I struggled to put it in words. “Um... yeah, and Alejo too. I… I’m still trying to figure out what I want. Like I said, I don’t really have anything to compare our relationship to. But I think I want what you and Zach have… so, I guess I want to know… um… how do I get THAT?”
Seth laughed, “You make it. You know, I think it was at THIS house on our first Thanksgiving that Zach decided what he wanted. He saw all these gay guys with relationships, and families, they had all these friends and he decided he wanted that too. We talked a lot about it over the years and we made a lot of life decisions based on what we both ultimately wanted” Seth Said. “Have you asked the other guys what they want?”
“Not yet” I said. “I’m a little afraid to.”
“It’s all about honesty. Me and Zach talk about EVERYTHING” Seth said. “Listen, all I know is what works for us. In all honesty, I can’t speak to the dynamics of your relationship, especially with three of you involved.” I swear I saw a lightbulb go off over his head at that moment. “Hey, did you meet my friend, Cam? The guy I was talking to out there.”
“The skinny guy with the curly hair, or the more hunky guy?” I asked. Hell, yeah, I noticed them. All the guys at the party were hot.
Seth chuckled at my description, “The “more hunky” one. He was in a throuple relationship when we were in college. You should seriously talk to him. He can tell you the good, the bad, and the ugly firsthand. Is it okay if I go get him?”
Seth knew someone else who was in a throuple relationship? I never would have guessed! No wonder he was so good about what he saw at the Resort (when he and I weren’t ready to die from embarrassment anyway). Still, this was pushing me out of my comfort zone, not that I wasn’t out of it already; Seth was going to tell some total stranger about my relationship. I thought about it… I was here to get answers, so, screw my brain kitties, I HAD to power through this for Trevor and Alejo. No. I had to do it for myself. “Um, yeah if you think he’d be okay talking to me about it.” Seth tried to put my fears at rest telling me what a great guy he was, then went to get his friend. He left me there for almost ten minutes, long enough for me to go through a million scenarios and then chicken out… I regained my courage just as Seth came back out to the little patio with Cam.
He made a quick introduction and apologized for taking so long. “Sorry, Ash, but I had to tell Cam what was going on, and then I made a quick call.” He made a quick call? Who the hell was he calling in the middle of my personal crisis. “Okay, so I know we’re talking as friends, not as a therapist/patient, but I want to lay one ground rule… what we discuss stays here.”
“Totally” I answered with a sigh of relief, I was great with that rule.
“Good,” Cam said. “When we were in college I went through a rough time” Cam told me all about how he had gone off to school in Chicago and felt lonely and helpless, he even told me he had thought about killing himself. Then he lifted his shirt and showed me a bunch of scars, “One of my roommates’ friends beat the crap outta me and put me in the hospital.” I listened to every word, I didn’t even know this guy and my heart went out to him, I just wanted to hug him and make him feel better. “So, I ended up moving to Milwaukee to go to school so I could be near my best friend.” he looked at Seth as he said it. “That’s where I met Seth’s friend Eric” he paused, “and his other friend Max.”
The two guys looked at me waiting for a reaction… but what reaction were the two guys waiting f– HOLY SHIT! MAX! OUR MAX?! My eyes lit up, “Max, Max?” I asked Seth.
Seth nodded, “That was the quick call I made. I had to ask Max if it was okay to share his past… for the record, he said he’d prefer you keep it between us, and that you could call him if you had questions.” I was stunned, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, MAX was part of a throuple!?! Normal, in a totally perfect relationship with my boss, Max!
“It seemed so perfect and natural to me” Cam said, “I totally saw it as forever.”
“But obviously it wasn’t,” I said, stating the obvious. “What happened? Why didn’t it work?”
“Well, it did work, you know, for a while,” Cam said. “We were all in it for different reasons. I had gone through hell and loved having two hot guys love me for who I was. I felt safe.” His words hit home, he felt exactly like I felt. “Max and Eric were a couple before we met,” he said. Just like me and Trev I thought. “They were going through a rough time, and I was a good distraction. Like I said, I felt loved and safe, and saw it as forever. Eric was mostly in it for the sex, I think.”
“Was the sex good?” I blurted out without even thinking. I was just caught up in the story. “Um, I mean, sorry, never mind, um.”
Cam laughed, “The sex was fucking amazing! But don’t tell Eliot” he joked. “Anyway… Max was in it to feel needed. He was like the caregiver of our relationship. Things were great, until they weren’t.”
God, it all sounded so familiar, “What happened? Why did things go bad? What happened?” I was so emotionally invested that I almost yelled.
“Well, Max was the first to have doubts. Seth and Zach lived upstairs from us and were the ‘perfect couple’” he said using air quotes. “He wanted what they had. He ended up breaking up with us after he met Brody and decided Brody could be the one. He was honest with us and told us he would regret it if he didn’t pursue something with Brody.”
“Oh no” I said, heartbroken and mourning a relationship that had long been over.
“That’s how I felt too. I was heartbroken, but when I saw how perfect he fit with Brody, and how happy they were… I felt okay about it all. We continued to live as roommates. Eric and I became a couple for a while, but then he wanted more… I mean, the relationship kind of went away and it was all about sex for him.” Cam told me all the gory details; I couldn’t believe how this stranger was so willing to share all the intimate details with me. “Anyway, here we are years later… we’re all still friends and all three of us are in the relationships we want to be in” Cam said. “I love Elliot, Eric found Hunter, and you know Max and Brody” he said.
“Well, I thought I knew Max” I said without thinking, “but day-um! Max was in a throuple!” That made both Cam and Seth laugh. Cam told me a bunch of stories and answered a lot of questions.
I didn’t have all the answers, but it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I mean, maybe the three of us could last forever, maybe not, but maybe it was possible for us to stay friends no matter what happened. I felt a little better about the future.
I looked between Seth and Cam. They told me so much and it was so personal for them. “I don’t want to intrude any more than I have already but I have a few more questions, if it’s okay?”
“A few more but I have to get back soon or else they’ll come looking for me.” Seth smiled as he said it but I took him seriously. Izzy was not one to go for long without her audience. Cam nodded, so I got to it.
“I’ll make it fast. Um, how did you know you had something special, I mean long term? How could you tell it apart from dating?
“I knew the second I laid eyes on him. Even my brothers knew” Seth laughed, “of course, we kinda thought he was a straight homophobe.” Seth thought for a minute, then answered. “Cam and I dated for a while in high school, but I knew he was just a boy I liked, but with Zach, I just knew he was the one.”
“Just a boy you liked, huh?” Cam played at being offended but it was obvious how much they cared about each other even now. I enjoyed their banter but the question still nagged.
“How did you know Zach was ‘the one’ for you, Seth?” I pressed.
“I just knew. Sorry, Ash but that’s all I can tell you. I just knew.” He shrugged and now I had a lot to think about.
“Okay, last question, I promise.” I took a deep breath and braced myself. This is the one I danced around, the question that scared me most. “Do you think a throuple relationship can last? What would it take?”
“I believed it would at the time. I was thoroughly convinced that the three of us would be together forever” Cam said. “In the long run we wanted different things. I guess if we would’ve talked more about what we wanted from life we could have moved forward together.”
“I don’t know crap about a three-way relationship,” Seth said. “But I can tell you that if you’re honest with each other, communicate, and have shared goals, I believe any relationship can grow strong and endure…. Oh, and never take your partner for granted… if you’re spending your life with someone you love you are lucky as hell.”
I kept my promise and ended my questions there. I learned a lot but I had more questions than ever. It was clear that this was not something I was going to figure out overnight. I hesitated a second before giving Seth a hug. “Thank you, for sharing, for helping me.”
“I hope it works out.” Cam asked to trade numbers, adding. “In case you have more questions. Oh, and talk to Max.”
“I will, thank you so much!” Wow, Max was in a three-way relationship. I thought to myself again. Who would’ve thought.
Cam made his way back to the party when I realized there was more to say.
“Seth,” I called out, “there’s something I’d like to say before we go back.”
“Okay,” he drew short and waited patiently. I cleared my throat.
“I want to apologize for last night.” I said . “I saw how upset you were. I’m so sorry.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for, Ash. I was just a little caught off-guard, sitting there... um well... naked in front of you guys. I should be apologizing to you.”
That puzzled me, “I don't understand, why should you apologize?”
“Well, being naked in front of clients wasn’t exactly professional behavior” Seth said with an embarrassed smirk.
“Oh! I see” I felt my ears burning. “Well, it isn’t like you knew we’d be there. It’s a public space after all. It ain’t like we walked in on you in the middle of–” –ABORT! ABORT! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Danger!
My mouth hung on my words mid-fuckup. “Not that I’m saying you would have –er– not that you couldn’t have if you wanted….”
Mayday! Mayday! Going down! Repeat! Going down!–I witnessed as the biplane of my integrity crashed and burned in the Gulf of Social Calamity. My psycho brain kitties performed Taps with kazoos in memoriam.
Seth saved me with a stop hand, smiling. “I get it, Asher.”
I rallied with effort and put more thought into my next words.
“I think of you as the family I never had, Seth. It kills me inside that I disappointed you.” I hung my head, still feeling sick to my stomach about everything.
Then Seth chuckled, “Disappointed me? Asher, you were out there, doing something that scared the crap out of you... I know it sounds strange, but I’m actually proud of you... I mean , yeah having sex in public wouldn’t have been my first recommendation, but you pushed your limits. The Asher that Ms. Elkin introduced me to would never have had the confidence to do that.”
I laughed, “Ahem, no; you’re right, he wouldn’t have.”
I couldn’t believe he said that, Seth was proud of me. Proud of me for having sex with two guys in public. Okay, okay, okay, maybe not for that. But still, he didn’t abandon me. He understood what I was going for and why, and he supported me! I felt like bouncing off the walls with happiness!
“Can we go back to the party now?” Seth grinned.
“OH! Um, yeah. Let me get the door.”
Note to readers: I didn’t forget the boys talk with the A’s. I saved that for next chapter.
AUTHOR NOTE: No two intersex people are alike. Ash’s symptoms reflect the experience of one person save where mentioned.
SPECIAL NOTE: I write in an imaginary world where sexually transmitted diseases do not exist. Sadly, they do in the real world. Stay safe. PrEP before you play and glove it before you love it.
