Intersex: Noun
1: a term used to describe people who are born with biological sex characteristics that don’t fit the binary of male or female. These characteristics can include reproductive organs, anatomy, hormones, or chromosomes. Intersex traits may be apparent at birth, or they may not appear until puberty or adulthood.
Ash
Saturday arrived bright and early. Alejo was already up, showered, and working on breakfast when Trevor and I crawled out of bed. Rather, I crawled away from Trevor who suddenly decided to become a Velcro octopus. He kissed and tickled me relentlessly while I squealed and kicked. Y’all, I can’t tell you how ticklish I am. I squirm just thinking about it and Trevor knew all of my spots.
“Stop!” I shrieked as he shot under and dug into my ribs. I writhed in his grip laughing until I hiccupped.
“I’M GONNA PEE!” I choked out breathlessly but Trevor maintained his assault with cackling glee.
“I know all your tricks now!” He pulled me back into his clutches.
I sucked in quick breaths “no, really, I’m gonna–WHULP!”
I yelped as we tipped off the side of the bed and crashed in a heap of tangled limbs and wadded bedding. Alejo heard the crash and yelled from the kitchen.
“You break it, you pay for it!”
I escaped from the bedding, yanked it down over Trevor’s head, then made a break for the bathroom. Trevor’s feet thudded solidly on my heels but I jumped in the shower first and shut the curtain in his face.
“Aw, come on!” He whined grumpily. “We can shower together!”
“Then we’ll never get out of here!” I opened the curtain and stuck my tongue out at him. He sucked it between his lips until we locked in a deep, passionate kiss. He tried to climb into the tub while I was distracted so I broke off and snapped the curtain closed.
“Bitch!” He grumbled.
“–and you love me!” I teased him back. It hit me suddenly that I would never have said a thing like that a few months ago. I used to be afraid of saying the wrong thing and losing friendships over it. Now, well, I still felt a twinge of anxiety in my chest when I pushed my limit but I trusted Trevor to tell me if something I said hurt his feelings.
It felt good to let him be responsible for himself. I was tired of trying to protect everybody’s feelings by policing myself into paralysis and frankly, I found it easier to make friends when I quit worrying so much about what everyone thought about me and was just myself.
It struck me as silly now. To think I was so dangerous –or that others were so fragile– that I could shatter friendships with a word. Anxiety had a way of warping my perceptions, magnifying the impact of my actions far beyond reality. It was stunning the day I realized that Brian and Seth were right, I was just a plain ol’ ordinary human being like everyone else. That realization liberated me and I luxuriated in the freedom like the warm water of the shower I just turned on. I turned my attention back to Trevor as he stood outside the curtain.
“Why don’t you fix the bed while I’m in here? I won't be long.” I bit my bottom lip but couldn’t hide the mischief in my smile.
“Ugh, fine!” He stomped off when it became clear that he wasn’t getting a spicy shower with me.
I understood why we headed out before dawn on a Sunday morning. Hikers were filling up the parking spaces fast! Camelback Mountain was one of the most popular hiking destinations because it sat smack dab in the middle of the city of Phoenix.
Alejo pushed us to “dress comfortably” but “be ready to take photos”. I remembered all of the photos of Alejo and his friends displayed on our walls. Trevor and I were about to join them. Then a thought hit me out of the blue. Where were Alejo’s friends?
I understood about his blow-up with his other roommates but Alejo warned us that other friends would be stopping in “frequently”. I hadn’t met one friend since moving in nearly three months ago. I burned with curiosity and I wanted to ask Alejo about it but my gut warned me that it might be a bad idea to pinchar el oso, to “poke the bear”.
Something was wrong and Alejo wasn’t talking about it. That bothered me. Weren’t we boyfriends? Weren’t we supposed to confide in each other and share burdens? My brain kitties were running amok but thankfully, I couldn’t pay much attention as nature’s splendor unfolded around me. So far it was a sea of hard packed earth, loose rocks, scrub brush, saguaro cacti, Joshua trees, and other prickly, unfriendly things but it was natural!
I was glad for all of that time I put in at the gym building up my legs and using the treadmill. I needed it with the steep climb over rocks. We passed the occasional couple making their way out but the place felt weirdly empty. Trevor kept up a running commentary until Alejo stopped and gave him a “look”. He said “can we please enjoy the quiet and be present in this moment?”
Trevor looked like he might fire back with a witty quip but he softened instead. “Okay, sure.” He caressed Alejo’s arm tenderly as if saying “I’m sorry.” Alejo took a step back. I saw in his eyes that Trevor’s gentleness surprised him. I took each of them by the hand and kissed their knuckles. I felt like we passed a milestone between us and it took us by complete surprise.
As I climbed I grew conscious of how much I took the green hills, forests, and beaches back in North Carolina for granted. I missed it but this was my home now. I looked for beauty here among the desert rocks. It was tough sometimes with walls of suicide fencing and “convenient” handrails drilled into mountain rock. It felt glaring and intrusive in this quiet, wild place and I began to understand why Alejo wanted to remain silent. if I listened hard enough I could hear the Earth breathing. I never felt so small in all my life. Not in a manner of shame but small as if I gained an appreciation of the true scale of my troubles.
We reached several points on the path where the panoramic view of the city took my breath away. What this land must have looked like before white men took pick and shovels to it. We snapped plenty of pictures to mark the occasion and it was during one such break that Trevor bumped me with an elbow. He flashed a smile full of gleeful mischief at me and gestured for me to follow. Alejo called after us as we vanished off the trail behind some tall rocks.
“Nobody can see us here” he waggled his eyebrows cleverly and unzipped the fly of his cargo shorts. He fished his soft cock out and waved it at me.
“Trevor….” I shook my head but couldn’t hide the grin on my face. I knew better than to do this but I could not deny the thrill that shivered down my spine. I unzipped with him and dug my little cock out to enjoy some fresh air. I thought we were only going for a quick hand job but Trevor squatted down before me and sucked me into his mouth. I let out a sound like a braying calf in complete shock.
“You know, this is breeding season for rattlesnakes,” Alejo propped on one leg, his arms crossed over his chest.
Trevor popped off from my now raging hard four inches, licking his chops at Alejo. “Tell ‘em to get in line!”
At that he resumed sucking while slowly pumping his thick seven inches. My head fell back as he sucked both of my tiny nuts into his hot, wet mouth. I was lost to the landslide of pleasure he blasted free inside me and, as if to show off his cocksmanship, he gestured Alejo over next to me.
Our Mexican lover offered no protest as Trevor deftly worked his desert snake loose from its confines and subsequently sucked it down to the root. Alejo uttered a sexy growl from the pit of his balls while twining his fingers in Trevor’s thick hair. Once he had a solid grip, he started stabbing his serpent down the hot, deep tunnel of Trevor’s throat. “Is this what you want?” He yanked out and slapped Trevor’s cheeks with his shaft. My boyfriend grinned and stuck out his tongue, letting Alejo slap it with his fleshy crown. He then returned to take all of me to the back of his mouth in one fell swoop. He did things with his tongue that left me wobbly on my feet. I was unused to being on the receiving end of the blowjob but after this, I was damn sure going to get more in the future!
“I want to cum so I can help you with him,” I petted Trevor’s pretty lips and shortly after that I stood on my toes, gripping Trevor’s hair tightly as I blasted my desert flood down his throat. Alejo held me steady with one hand while stroking his glistening snake with the other. His balls hung like twin boulders in their sack. He needed to cum and soon.
Trevor shared a creamy kiss with us before I squatted down next to him. We teamed up and whipped Alejo into a monsoon of lust. We kissed his thick, throbbing shaft. He refused to measure or let us do it but he was at least ten inches and as thick as a drink can. Trevor and I slathered his shaft with spit before our lips dueled over who got to suck on the drooling crown.
“Fuck” Alejo gritted his teeth and I caught three long, powerful jets of his essence before Trevor nudged me out of the way. He caught a pearly white rope across his cheek and the next four in the back of his throat before I wrestled control back and drank down the dribbling remnants. I wiped the glistening streak off Trevor’s face and fed it to him. He sucked my thumb clean before jumping to his feet and furiously pumping his cock.
I locked my lips around him just in time to catch the full brunt of his desert storm. I sucked him clean and then planted a goodbye kiss on his tip before Trevor locked lips with me. We swirled the creamy mass of our spent passion between our mouths and savored the incredible sweet and sour taste. We brewed the tastiest candy together and could never get enough of it.
We shared our prize with Alejo in a series of hot kisses but we heard kids yelling in the distance. “Shit!” We spat as one and scrambled to make ourselves presentable while Alejo went back to the trail to stall for time. I heard him talking with somebody a few minutes later and they weren't going away. Trevor shrugged meekly. “Own it” he said and we walked out from behind the rocks. I about died when I saw who it was.
Brad and Scotty Nicholls stood with their nine year-old son Maddox and their seven year-old daughter, Brooklyn. What were the odds of running into the brother of my boss and his husband, the brother of my previous as well as my current therapist on a mountain hike after indulging in a compromising public blowjob?
The universe must hate me, I thought.
We were flush from more than heat as we joined the conversation. I felt some lame need to explain things.
“Trevor, um, wanted to show me something.” I turned beet red.
“I see, snake hunting,” Brad gave us a knowing look. Scotty got in on it.
“Did you find any? I hear it’s rattlesnake mating season” He smirked.
“Two, actually, they spat at us” Trevor grinned from ear-to-ear. He was loving this. Meanwhile I buried my face in Alejo’s shoulder.
“Oh, cool, I didn’t know they spit!” Maddox asked so many questions after that and I just wanted to crawl under those rocks and pull them in on top of me.
“It’s a good thing we ran into you here, Alejo” Scotty changed the subject. “We’re taking the family to Disney World this summer and thought maybe you could house sit again.”
“Can I bring these two?” He nodded to me and Trevor.
“Of course” Brad glanced at his husband for approval.
“Just make sure you add chlorine to the pool and hot tub before we get home” Scotty said with a wry grin.
After that we hiked as one big group and ate lunch together. I was looking forward to house-sitting! I tugged Alejo down for a kiss later. He broke into a big ol’ smile “what was that for?”
“It’s a ‘thank you’ kiss for inviting us to join you for house-sitting” I beamed. His smile turned sexy and sly as he replied.
“Of course,” he purred huskily. “I can’t wait to have my way with you in the hot tub.”
Yep, this was going to be a great summer!
The next week passed quickly. The pace at work picked up as the big deadline approached. The Art Team felt the heat. It was do or die time and Selma, the Production Lead called a team meeting. She asked me point blank what the team needed to get this project done. Everyone’s eyes were on me and I wanted so badly to hide. I kept thinking “why are y’all looking at me? I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground!” Only, I did. They brought me on, a kid with no practical work experience because I did the damn job and did it better than most. I’ve been doing this work for over a year. I knew my shit. If I wanted this nice job, the money, and insurance that came with it then I needed to step the fuck up. It scared me shitless but I gave Selma my honest opinion. “The team is as good as it’s gonna get. Take me off of cleanup and we’ll make that deadline.”
I knew what that meant and so did Selma. Everybody there knew. I kept my eyes on Selma and focused on my breathing. Still, I gripped the arm of my chair until my knuckles ached. Selma breathed out through her nose. She laced her fingers on the table.
“Carla, I’m moving you to the Ramón Account.”
“WHAT?” Carla bolted to her feet and slammed both hands on the table. “Ramón is training wheels! That’s what he should be doing!” She stabbed a finger in my direction.
“Carla, sit down.” Selma stared hard at her but Carla kept yelling.
“You’re gonna trust something this big to some snot-nosed hillbilly?” She ranted.
“Carla!” Selma snapped.
“I’m the best artist on this team and you know it!”
“ONE MORE WORD!” Selma stood and braced on the table. She lowered her voice to a chilling edge. “One more word and you can pack your things.”
The two women glared at each other in silence while the rest of us watched anxiously. Finally, Carla sat. Selma followed slowly thereafter and got back to the meeting.
Selma asked for ideas to improve productivity. Several people offered really good ideas. I told Selma and the team about what the guys did back in the candle barn in North Carolina. They loved the idea so we cranked up the music and got everybody dancing and singing at their stations while we worked. Morale and productivity picked up immediately. I no longer had to clean up Carla’s shit so I focused my full attention on getting this job finished on time. I felt like we had a real shot at it.
I told Brian about it at our regular therapy session and he seemed pleased and proud of my progress. I was still shaking inside but I felt good too! I could do this! I could really do it! Other things proved more difficult to handle.
Alejo spent more time out of the apartment and Trevor got back in touch with his family. They footed the bill for a top of the line computer so he was preoccupied with it. Meanwhile, he chewed my ears off about what his little brothers were up to. He was so happy! I spent more time building a life outside of work and home.
I spent Friday evenings at my coworker Esteban’s place. I played D&D with him, Shea, Esteban’s kids Lando and Bella, and this guy named Enrique.
Enrique went by “Ricky” and he was such a goofball! Oh, but he was a hot goofball. He was my age at 19 and stood about 5’6” in height (167 cm). He was bronze in color, very pale, with a mop of lustrous black curls nearly covering his eyes and shorn close on the sides. He was solidly built, perfectly proportioned with broad shoulders, huge muscular arms, and a thick, meaty chest. He wore all black for reasons I’ll discuss in a moment. He liked T-shirts stretched tightly over his well-rounded chest.
His smile lit the world and his voice! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Y'all, he spoke with a rich, mellow baritone that I imagined saying sexy things in my ear. His diction was perfectly clear. I imagined he could have worked as a DJ or a voice actor but what struck me as his most arresting feature were his eyes.
“It happened three years ago. My mom was driving me to school. We sat at a crosswalk waiting for kids to pass when a car hit us head-on doing about 70. The driver went into hypoglycemic shock behind the wheel and passed out. Thankfully, none of the kids were hurt but Mom’s car was totaled. Had my mom’s foot not come off of the brake we would have died. Anyway, we survived with some broken bones but I got broken glass in my eyes. I’ve been blind ever since. I hear they changed color and look pretty cool now, what do you think?”
Ricky’s eyes turned nearly clear in color. They sparkled like blue diamonds framed by thick black lashes and dark eyebrows. Ringlets of black hair framed his face. I found his eyes mesmerizing.
Ricky’s mom used to play D&D too, she got her son into it but she stopped playing after the accident. Ricky kept playing so he could get out of the house. Esteban picked him up and saw Ricky home. I thought that was such a kind gesture.
Ricky never let anyone feel bad for him. He kept everybody laughing. He played a dashing, flirtatious scoundrel in the game. He singled out my character for some reason. Maybe because I was new and laughed at his SUPER nerdy jokes? Anyway, he flirted with my character like crazy and everybody cracked up at my blushing. I was grateful that we were only playing imaginary characters. I’d hate to think what might happen if he was really interested in me.
I got together with Intersex Gang the weekend after we first met so that Lee could measure me for a set of clothes. After bringing Trevor and Alejo into a Zoom call we decided that it was time that I went to my first nightclub and my new outfit would suit the occasion. After I played pin cushion for Lee, I sat with Shea and Jalan to play with makeup. That led to a deeply troubling conversation for me.
I gave Jalan carte blanche to make me up any way they wanted and after they finished, I sat looking at my reflection in the mirror.
I looked good! I liked how I looked with just a little eyeliner and a bit of blue eyeshadow to accentuate my eyes, and lip gloss. I didn't want any piercings but Jalan had a collection of clip and cuff jewelry, as well as wrist and ankle bangles. I looked split down the middle between male and female. I looked as pretty as a girl but masculine too. I looked like how I always wanted, how I felt inside. I felt good about my looks for maybe the first time ever.
“Baby, why are you crying?” Jalan gasped as my tears drew black lines down my cheeks.
“I'm sorry, I’m ruining your pretty makeup.” I sniffed.
“Don’t worry about that. Tell me why you’re upset? We can try something different if you want–”
“No, no!” I interrupted, “I like it, it’s perfect! It’s beautiful!”
Jalan turned my chin to look me in the eye “no Ash, you are beautiful. I’m just drawing attention to what is already there.”
I hugged them. It might have been too soon since we only met a week ago but I couldn’t help myself. I felt Shea rubbing my back. “This is a lot of crying for a makeover. What’s going on, Ash?” She asked.
I sat back with a tissue looking miserably at the smudged makeup on it. “It’s Trevor and Alejo.”
“What, did something bad happen? Ash, did they hurt you?” Jalan took me by the shoulders and I shook my head vehemently.
“No! No, nothing like that. They’re good to me. I love them. That’s the problem.” I took a deep breath to explain.
“They know I’m intersex. They say they don’t care but that is while I present as male. What happens if I do this –follow how I really feel, how I want to look? They are gay men! They are attracted to men! I can’t expect them to change for me. That would be no different than saying to them “you just haven’t met the right woman.”
“They know you’re intersex. Have they said how they feel about that?” Jalan asked.
“They’re good with it, really. It came out that I might be able to give them children one day. Alejo wants so badly to have a big family and Trevor said his dick got so hard at the idea that I could make him a daddy. Oh, I said too much, didn’t I?”
Both of them broke into smiles and chuckled “you’re good.”
“They sound like they are happy with you. What’s the problem?” Shea looked puzzled.
“I want them to be attracted to me. I want to be sexy for them. They are attracted to men. What if I become too ‘girly’ for them? What if they stop wanting me?”
“If they stop wanting you based only on your looks, would you want them?” Jalan challenged.
“What do you mean?” I met their gaze.
“Ash, you keep forgetting what you want from a relationship. Do you want to be with men who only want you as long as you look or act a certain way?”
Shea added, “Do you think Alejo and Trevor are really that shallow?”
I wrung my hands anxiously. “No, but they are gay men. They can’t help what they find attractive.”
“It sounds like you need to talk to them.” Shea placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.
“Go home tonight like this” Jalan gestured to my makeover. “Find out what they think, what they want, what is a deal breaker for them. Be honest and accept what it means for your relationship but Ash” they squeezed my hand. “You need to make peace with who and what you are. Own it, love it, and live your truth.”
I knew they were right but living my truth was harder than I expected. It might come with a price I’m not ready to pay.
To be continued….
AUTHOR NOTE: No two intersex people are alike. Ash’s symptoms reflect the experience of one person save where mentioned.
SPECIAL NOTE: I write in an imaginary world where sexually transmitted diseases do not exist. Sadly, they do in the real world. Stay safe. PrEP before you play and glove it before you love it.
