Kyle
My head was spinning the whole drive back to Colorado. As soon as Colby told me he sucked me, I had the urge to suck him. What the hell was that all about? I have never had the desire to do that with any other man. Hell, I lived with Luke for over two years, he is a good-looking guy, and I had seen him in various stages of undress and never had those thoughts. Why was Colby making me act like this? Now, what was Colby thinking? I was shocked as I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment. I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I had no memory of my drive.
I arrived at the shop the next day, not getting much sleep the night before. After we talked about our Christmas, we all got to work. The crew was getting a start on the few jobs that we did have booked. We wouldn’t be installing anything for over a month, but we had room to store them. Luke and I were working on some new projects and ordering materials for future jobs.
I caught him looking at me, I asked, “what?”
He shrugged, “you don’t look like you are all here, what are you thinking about?”
I sighed, “it’s nothing.”
He shook his head, “I’ve known you long enough to know better. Did something happen when you were home?”
I said, “nothing big, just dealing with Colby again.”
He asked, “is he still mad about you buying him that battery?”
I shook my head, “no, we actually had a good talk about that.”
Luke furrowed his brow, “so what’s going on?”
I took a deep breath, “nothing, I just need to stop overthinking things. Do you have the drawings for the Jenkins job?”
He seemed unconvinced as he handed me the drawings and we got back to work. I made it through the rest of the day without Luke asking any more questions. I could talk about most anything with him, but I had no idea how to tell him that I sucked another man’s dick.
I flopped down on the couch after I got home and opened a beer. My mind again was filled with thoughts of Colby. The sound of my phone signaling a text broke my trance.
I smiled as I saw it was from Paige, she asked, “how was your Christmas?”
This might be just what I needed, I hadn’t talked to Paige in over a week. I decided to call her instead of returning the text.
She answered on the first ring, “hey, how are you?”
I said, “doing ok, how was your visit with your family?”
She said, “it was good. My brother proposed to his girlfriend, so we have a wedding in the family this next year.”
“Wow, that is exciting, have they been together long?” I asked.
Paige replied, “yeah, they have dated for over 5 years, mom said it was about time.”
I could tell she was happy for her brother, “good for them.”
She said, “yeah, she’s a sweetheart, we told Andy she was keeper the first time he brought her home. So did anything interesting happen while you were home?”
I lied, “nope, pretty boring trip.”
Paige asked, “so, do you want to get together this week?”
I said, “yeah, I would love to. Why don’t you come over to my place, I think it’s my turn to cook dinner for you.”
She said, “sounds good.”
We talked for a few more minutes and agreed on a night and time. At least I had something else to think about and was able to act a little bit more normal for the rest of the week.
Paige arrived just as I was putting the finishing touches on our meal. She gave me a hug as she walked in. I put the food on the table, and we sat down to eat. After talking about our trips home for the holidays and we finished eating, we moved to the couch. In the short time that Paige and I had been seeing each other, I had become very comfortable telling her things. I already told her all about Gavin and Colby and how Colby and I never saw eye to eye. I’m not sure why, but I started to tell her about the night I got drunk.
I said, “don’t tell Luke, it’s kind of embarrassing, but I got sick all over Colby when he was trying to help me get in the house.”
She chuckled, “what did Colby do?”
I said, “he threw my clothes in the washer and me in the shower. I ended up staying at his house that night.”
She smiled, “I’m glad that you guys are getting along better.”
I thought for a few moments, we were looking into each other’s eyes. I sighed, “yeah, we are. If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anyone. Especially Olivia and Luke.”
Paige gave me a concerned look, “of course Kyle. What is it?”
I took a deep breath, “when Colby was helping me clean up the night, I was drunk, I kind of kissed him.”
She said, “well, you were drunk, maybe you just…”
I interrupted, “yeah, I was drunk that night. I went back a couple of night later and I kissed him again.”
Paige asked, “so what are you saying Kyle, do you think you are…”
I ran my hands through my hair, “shit, I don’t know Paige. I have no idea what any of this means.”
She took my hand, “so do you think you have romantic feeling for Colby?”
I shrugged, “I know I have never had these feelings before, especially for a man.”
She asked, “does Colby feel the same way?”
I shook my head, “I have no idea, I haven’t talked to him since that night.”
She said, “oh my God Kyle, don’t you think you should?”
I sighed, “I suppose.”
She rolled her eyes, “you suppose? Damn Kyle, you need to talk to him. If you both feel this way, you really need to see where things go.”
I was a bit surprised at her response, I asked, “so you’re not upset with me?”
She smiled, “not at all. We have been honest with each other from the very beginning, I’m glad you felt like you could tell me all this. Let me ask you something, have you ever had these strong feelings for any of the girls you dated?”
I considered her question, “the first girls I dated were in high school, you know those relationships are never serious. Claire was the only real girlfriend I ever had and to be honest, I was glad when we ended things. But I have never had these feelings for guy either.”
She asked, “have you ever thought that the reason you didn’t like Colby is because you were jealous?”
I nodded, “I was jealous because he came between Gavin and me, not because I had feelings for him.”
She raised an eyebrow, “are you sure?”
I rolled my eyes, “shit, I don’t know anything anymore.”
Paige said, “you really need to talk to Colby, and don’t talk to him as Gavin’s cousin, but talk to him just like we talked tonight.”
I sighed, “I know you’re right. Are you sure you aren’t upset with me?”
She smiled, “no, I’m not upset. Since we are being truthful, I had something to tell you tonight too.”
I asked, “what’s that?”
She said, “when I was home, I ran into an old friend from high school, well, we talked and we both wanted to see if there is anything between us, he is coming to town this weekend to see me.”
I smiled, “that’s great Paige, I really hope it works out for you. Thank you so much for listening to me, you have helped me a lot.”
She gave me a hug, “like I said when we first started seeing each other, if things don’t work out between us, at least we would each have a good friend.”
I said, “call me after this weekend and tell me how things go.”
She nodded, “I will, and you let me know how things go with Colby. Oh, and if Olivia asks, I will just tell her that I got back together with an old boyfriend.”
I gave her another hug and said, “thank you.”
I sighed as I sat down on my couch and picked up my phone. I sent a text to Colby.
“Can I call you?”
Colby
It had been a few days since New Year’s, and I still had not talked to Kyle. I knew I needed to, but I wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk to me. I still hadn’t figured out how I felt about what had happened between us. Collin had come into the bar, but mostly ignored me, I feel bad about how things went with us. I decided not to make things worse by trying to talk to him. At about 11, I had a free minute to check my phone, I had a text from Kyle, he wanted to call me. He had sent the text about an hour ago. I replied, “I’m working now, I will be home after midnight, or I have tomorrow night off.”
Leah and I quickly cleaned up after our last customer left. I wasn’t sure if Kyle would call tonight, he might already be in bed. I got something to eat as soon as I got home and waited on my couch for my phone to ring. By 1 am I dozed off and didn’t wake up until the next morning. I quickly checked my phone, I had not missed Kyle’s call. I spent the day running some errands and cleaning around the house.
At about 8 that night, I finally heard my phone, it was Kyle.
I answered, “hey Kyle.”
He said, “hey, how’s it going?”
I said, “ok I guess, and you?”
I heard him sigh, “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you before I left last week, but I had some thinking to do.”
I paused, “it’s fine, I had some thinking to do too. Did you figure anything out?”
He chuckled, “I’m not sure. How about you?”
I rolled my eyes, I knew he couldn’t see me, but I am sure he sensed it. I said, “Kyle, why did you want to see… what we did… I mean what are you thinking about what we did?”
He sighed, “shit Colby, I don’t know.”
I returned his sigh, before I could say anything, he said, “no wait, I’m sorry, we need to be honest with each other.”
I agreed, “that would be nice.”
Kyle said, “look, I kissed you that night you helped me. I think deep down I must have some kind of feelings for you. I know you said you should have stopped me, but you didn’t, so maybe, you have some feelings too.”
I said, “but I don’t…”
He interrupted, “no wait, let me finish please. I felt like I needed to talk to you again, that’s why I came to your house the second time. When you told me what you did, I started to remember that too and I didn’t stop you. That night, I just knew I wanted to see if I would like it when I was sober.”
I asked, “did you like it?”
He chuckled, “yes, I did. A lot more than I thought I would.”
I paused, “ok, if I am being honest, I liked it too, but I feel a little guilty, like I am cheating on Gavin.”
Kyle said, “I’m sorry, maybe I am rushing you. I have been thinking about Gavin too, but I know him well enough to think that he would understand. I know he wanted us to get along and be friends.”
I chuckled, “yeah, but I’m not sure this is what he had in mind.”
He chuckled too, “you’re probably right, but I know I don’t regret anything that has happened.”
I asked, “so what are you saying?”
Kyle took a deep breath, “I think I want us to talk about this, in person. I can come back this weekend, if you have time to see me.”
I was a little surprised, “you mean like this Saturday, the day after tomorrow?”
He said, “yes, I can leave first thing in the morning and be there by late afternoon.”
I said, “I think I can get Saturday night off, Leah owes me a shift.”
Kyle asked, “so is ok if I come see you?”
I answered, “yeah, I guess we should talk this out.”
He said, “good, and I’m not going to tell my folks or Carla I am coming. I think we should get things figured out before we tell them anything.”
I agreed and we talked for a few more minutes, working out all the details. I still had mixed emotions, I did want to talk to Kyle, but Gavin was still in the back of my mind. I was able to get Leah to cover my shift, thankfully she didn’t ask too many questions about why I needed the night off. I suppose this was a good thing, maybe we could put all of this behind us. Kyle didn’t sound upset so that was also a good sign.
I spent Saturday morning cleaning the house and doing laundry, just to show Kyle that I was capable of taking care of myself. At least better than the week after Gavin’s funeral when he tidied up for me. I took a shower and got dressed, then headed to the cemetery to visit Gavin. I stopped and picked up some flowers, like I had always done when I went to see him. I parked behind Kyle’s truck, he must have been stopping by before he came to my house. I waited a bit before I walked to the grave, I wanted to give Kyle all the time he needed. I saw him tip a bottle back and then place another bottle on Gavin’s headstone. I cleared my throat as I approached him.
I saw the RC and M&Ms as he turned toward me and I said, “so you’re the one that always leaves those.”
He gave me a slight smile as he looked at the flowers in my hand, “yeah, we used to get these at the store when we were kids. You’re the one who always brings flowers?”
I nodded, “yeah, Gavin would bring flowers home for no reason, so now I get them for him.”
Kyle smiled, “I’m sure he likes them.”
I smiled back as I placed the flowers on Gavin’s grave, we both had a tear running down our cheeks.
Kyle said, “I’ll give you some time, I’ll go wait in my truck until you’re done.”
I nodded, “thanks.”
I spent a few minutes with Gavin and walked back to where we were parked. I wiped my tears away and asked, “are you ready to go back to my place?”
He said, “sure, I would like that.”
I got us something to drink and we both sat down on the couch.
After an awkward silent minute or two, Kyle said, “I just want to say how sorry I am for how I have treated you over all these years. I have no excuse, the only thing I can come up with is that I was jealous of you and Gavin.”
I said, “no, I’m sorry I just…”
He stopped me, “please, I have spent the last nine hours rehearsing what I am going to say to you. I think I need to get it all out at once.”
I nodded, “ok.”
He resumed, “it has become clear to me over the last couple of months how much you and Gavin meant to each other. I should have been happy for both of you. I know Gavin still loved me and now I know he had enough love for both of us. I guess I was feeling guilty for not being there for him more when I got into high school. I always thought it was my fault that he was gay.”
I said, “but that has nothing to do with…”
Kyle interrupted me again, “I know, it’s just who he is. It’s just who you are, no one did anything to make you or him gay. I feel worse because I know you didn’t have a great childhood, and I think Gavin finally gave you some stability in your life. I have no idea what you went through, and I think I just couldn’t relate to you that way. I had a good childhood, and I didn’t understand or appreciate your feelings. I am sorry, I’m even more sorry it took both of us losing Gavin for me to realize it.”
I was full on sobbing by now, I wrapped Kyle in a hug as I said, “thank you, that means a lot to me. I’m sorry I got so upset when you tried to help me.”
Kyle said, “yeah, I could have been a little better about the way I did that too. I should have talked to you and asked if it was ok.”
I wiped my tears, and said, “I really do appreciate your help.”
We cried and talked for another hour. Our talk turned to our memories of Gavin as our tears of sorrow turned into tears of laughter. We both did really love and miss Gavin, and I think we had a new feeling of respect for each other. We decided to order a pizza and continued our conversation, I was enjoying Kyle’s company and was glad we were able to work things out.
After we had finished eating, Kyle asked, “can I ask you a question?”
I chuckled, “sure, we have pretty much just spilled our guts to each other, I think you can ask me anything.”
His face turned serious, “how did you know you were gay?”
To be continued…
