“The storm is coming, but I don’t mind. People are dying. I close my blinds. All that I know is I’m breathing now. I want to change the world, and instead, I sleep. I want to believe in more than you and me. But all that I know is I’m breathing. All I can do is keep breathing. All we can do is keep breathing now.”
-Ingrid Michaelson (Keep Breathing)
Repressed memories are defined as memories that are unconsciously avoided due to a traumatic experience and are thought to be blocked for years. They can be recovered later, often triggered by something. Repression is a psychological defense mechanism that hides bad memories without the person’s knowledge.
Some in the medical field would argue that repressed memories aren’t a real thing. There isn’t enough evidence to support it, scientifically. My job is not to persuade you one way or another, but it is to inform you that Noah had painted the love he and Matthew shared with vivid colors and bright words.
According to his novel, their love was pure and magical. They reunited in December 2008 and spent the next seven years in pure bliss. That was almost true. Deep in his mind, locked away, was a memory that would change everything. Let us begin the exploration of repressed memories.
November 2026 (Thanksgiving)
Matthew paced back and forth across the hallway in the hospital. He had walked without a thought or care in the world. He was just letting his feet lead him, and they had led him directly to the hospital. He was there, but he was also confused. He wanted to see Noah, but he was also afraid.
“Matthew,” Vivian called as she stepped off the elevator.
He stopped pacing and turned to face her. She gave him a sympathetic look and opened her arms for him. Matthew didn’t hesitate, and he quickly fell into her warm and loving embrace.
“The hospital called and said you were agitated,” she informed him as they hugged.
Matthew sobbed, “I came to Boston to get a ring. I had messed up so badly. They took the rings and left me for dead. They robbed me of my life with him. This is all my fault. I should have been a better man for him.”
She pulled away from the hug and wiped the tears from his eyes. Vivian loved Matthew as if he were her own son. He had come into Noah’s life at a time when her son needed him the most, and they instantly became the most important thing to one another.
“Tell me what you remember,” she said as she guided him to a seat.
June 2015
Noah was back in Alabama for the summer. He had escaped from NYC, putting as many miles as possible between him and Matthew. Their relationship was sinking, and there were no lifeboats to save them. He was resting in the theater room and watching an episode of Game of Thrones.
Vivian peeked in, “Hey, sweetie, you have a visitor.”
“I don’t really feel like talking to anyone,” he told her. The depression in his voice was crystal clear.
“I think you should take this visitor. She’s out on the patio,” his mother said as he closed the door.
Noah wasn’t in the mood to deal with people. He was trying to unplug from life and figure out his next steps. No one wanted to leave him alone. People were afraid he would slip into a deep depression and try to harm himself like he did when he turned eighteen.
He stepped out onto the patio. It was a hot day, and the sun was shining bright. He turned and looked off to the side, and there was Mama Rosa. Seeing her was a bright spot. She had her good days and her bad days. That smile on her face was a sign of a good day.
“Mama Rosa,” he smiled and hugged her. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you. Matthew visited me the other day, and he told me about things. He loves you, and you love him. He doesn’t know how to handle what’s happening to me. None of us do. I’m not making excuses for my son. I just want you to know that he loves you and misses you.”
Noah turned and walked toward the edge of the patio and said, “I don’t understand why you’re telling me this.”
“I’m only gonna get worse, Noah. We have no idea how long It’ll be, but it will get worse. I saw yesterday that the Supreme Court finally made it legal that you can get married. You had been holding out for this moment. Give me one more happy memory and marry my boy,” she said as she silently sobbed.
Noah quickly spun around, “I can’t marry him. Not after what he did.”
“You both have made mistakes. You poured your heart out to me once about how much you loved him and how you regretted hurting him. This is the same thing,” she argued.
Noah gasped, “With all due respect, Mama Rosa, it is far from the same thing. I made a mistake. What Matthew did, I can’t forgive.”
“Can’t or won’t. They are two very different things that feel similar to one another. Marriages and relationships nowadays fail so quickly because no one wants to put in the work. Everyone is so quick to run away. My son is worth the fight. You know it, and I know it. Just like we both know you’re worth the fight.”
She gave Noah another hug and kissed him on the jaw. Then she collected her purse and left. Noah stood there with his heart bleeding in his chest. Cliff stepped out on the patio. He could see the anguish on his stepson.
“Noah, how about we go for a walk?”
For the longest, the two of them walked in total silence. Cliff had come into Vivian’s life six years earlier. They fell in love when she was going through her battle with cancer. During that time Cliff had come to admire and respect Noah and Matthew’s relationship. He didn’t want to see the two of them give up on one another.
“Noah, I know I’m not your father or Uncle Bobby. I would never try to take their places in your life, but I hope that I’ve earned the ability to offer some sage advice,” he said with tender compassion.
Noah nodded, “You have my respect; with that, I’m open to your words of wisdom.”
Cliff breathed a sigh of relief, “Good. Listen, it’s no secret that I love you and Matty. I think you two are perfect for one another, and you’re lucky to have found each other so early in life. That doesn’t happen for everyone. Most people never even meet their soulmate.”
Noah stopped walking and turned to Cliff, “What are you getting at?”
“I think you know,” he said. “Listen, just because someone is perfect for you doesn’t make them perfect. What he did was a shitty thing. The kid was going through some horrible shit. I’m not making excuses for him. I’m providing an explanation. He was wrong, but if we walk away every time someone is wrong, then who do we have left in our life?”
Noah shouted, “You think I don’t want to be with him? I love that idiot. I don’t know how life even works without him in it. At the same time, I don’t know how to forgive him. I wish I could just not remember it.”
“The first step to forgiveness is to first feel all those emotions and let the person know how you feel. You have to be honest about your hurt.”
Three days later
Noah stood outside of the apartment he shared with Matthew. He was already having regrets about going in. Part of him kept thinking he should just go back to Alabama, but he knew inside that no matter what, he would always feel this love, and that scared him.
He unlocked the door and stepped inside. Matthew was in the kitchen when he heard the door open. He had been going out of his mind since Noah had left. He had made such a mess of things. His heart was full of regret, sadness, and love.
He ran from the kitchen to the foyer. The two came face to face for the first time in weeks. They both looked like hell. They had been miserable without one another. Matthew could still see the hurt all over Noah, and that killed him. He didn’t know how to fix it. He knew he had broken them, but he was determined to fix them at all costs.
Matthew took a step towards him. As he was about to reach and touch him, Noah slapped him. The sheer force of the hit sent Matthew backward into the wall. He didn’t expect it, but he knew he deserved it. He touched his face, and it stung.
“I deserved that,” he said with watery eyes. “I love you, Monty.”
Noah whispered sinisterly, “Don’t call me that.”
Matthew stepped in Noah’s direction. He knew it was a risk that Noah could hit him again, but he didn’t care. He needed to be close to him and touch him.
“Monty,” Matthew said as he stepped even closer to him.
Noah screamed, “MY NAME IS NOAH!”
“MONTY,” Matthew shouted. He had to get through to him.
Noah slapped him again. They both stood before each other with tears in their eyes. Neither one wanted to buckle and move. That crazy pull between them was slowly coming back to the surface. It was so strong that no matter how mad and hurt they were, the magic was still felt between them.
“Slap me all you want. I’m not leaving, Monty.” Matthew meant every word that came out of his mouth.
“I want you to go, Matthew,” Noah said as he fought to hold back his tears.
“No, you don’t. You want me to fight for you, and I will. I will fight until I’m dead and gone. I fucked up. This one is on me, and I will make it right. You just have to allow me the chance.”
Noah yelled, “You can’t fix this, Matthew!”
“I’ll die trying,” he said with desperation in his tone.
Noah mumbled, “I hate you.”
“I love you,” confessed Matthew.
Noah swung to slap him again. Matthew blocked the slap and pushed Noah against the wall. He quickly pressed his body against Noah’s. The rage burned inside of Noah, but Matthew was determined to cool it down.
“Let me go, Noah kicked and screamed.
“I can’t let you go. Not until you let me love you again, and even then, I can’t let go because you’re my whole world, Monty.”
“It’s a toxic ass world, you bastard.”
“Well, guess what? That’s who we are. We’re toxic, and we’re made for one another.”
Noah screamed to the top of his lungs, “YOU BROKE ME.”
As Matthew rested his forehead against Noah’s, he said, “I know. Let me do my job and put you back together. Please, baby.”
Noah closed his eyes. He wished more than anything in the world for the hurt to stop, but it didn’t. Where his heart should have been was an emptiness that no one could fill.
“Tell me a secret, Monty,” Matthew uttered just above a whisper.
Noah exhaled, and his voice trembled, “I wish I could stop loving you forever.”
Matthew interjected, “But you can’t!”
Matthew kissed him. The second their lips connected, whatever fight was inside, Noah dissipated the second their bodies united in passion. Matthew felt the negative energy leave Noah. He knew he had him back in his hands, right where he wanted him to be—at least for the moment.
Matthew quickly undid Noah’s pants and pulled them down. Noah struggled against him for a moment, but he soon gave up and allowed Matthew to touch him and have him. Matthew kissed his way down Noah’s body until he was on his knees. He took Noah’s dark chocolate cock into his mouth.
Noah gasped, and his body relaxed against the wall behind him. Matthew quickly went to work, giving Noah the best blow job he could possibly give. He was determined to prove his worth and love by any means necessary.
July 10th, 2015
Noah entered the courthouse with his mother. He looked like he was a million miles away. She could feel the energy with her son was off.
She hugged him and said, “You know, I always thought of the day I’d see my only child get married. I thought your father would be here and that it’d be at some church in France or something. This is not the life I envisioned for you, but if you’re happy, so am I.”
“Honestly, I don’t know what that is these days. But this is the right choice for me, I promise.”
“Noah, don’t get married unless it’s really what you want. I love Matthew, and I think Rosa is a nice lady, but your happiness is the most important thing in the world to me.”
“I know. I will be happy. I just have to work through my emotions. I’ll always love him, and we don’t need some grand wedding to prove our love.”
Matthew was nervous. After everything that he and Noah had been through, they were finally about to be married, and he couldn’t have been happier. He had his mother and sister there with him, as well as Crispin and Nick.
“Are you ready for this,” Nick asked.
“Girl, he better be. You had me come all the way up here to New York City,” Crispin griped.
“There is no one else in the world I’d rather be marrying than him. We are going to get married and work through my shit and be the happiest two guys in the world. It’s gonna be smooth sailing from here,” Matthew told them.
He was certain that the future was bright and that he and Noah would be together forever. If only he knew that in six months, he’d be left for dead with no memory of his life.
Noah entered the justice of the peace office with his mother, Cliff, Zane, and Trevor. This was not how he thought he would feel the day of his wedding. He had lied when he said he didn’t need a big wedding. Noah had dreamed of the day he would get married. Funny, though, how dreams work. They never quite adapt to reality the way we intend for them too.
Sure, dreams can come true, but it’s often not the way you thought. The path changes or the road becomes messy. You get to the destination eventually, just not the way you wanted to. That was the case for both Noah and Matthew. They wanted to be married, but this was not the way they really wanted it. Seeing each other only confirmed that they were marrying the right person but at the wrong time. For very different reasons, neither one of them objected to the idea of waiting.
November 2026 (Thanksgiving)
Vivian sighed, “Yeah. You remember that correctly. You remember what happened on the honeymoon?
“Sadly, I do,” he answered. “Noah repressed it all. He figured out a way to forget it all. Our marriage was failing because I was carrying around the guilt. Noah warned me of the guilt when he cheated with Zane. My guilt was so much worse. Do you think that’s why I can’t feel the love? Like I have every memory now, but I still don’t feel connected to him. I still don’t love him.”
“Maybe you’re afraid. I think If you stop trying and just sit with him and be open, it will come back.”
“Like that night I first met him at the book signing. We played in the snow and I felt this pull at my heart. I wasn’t trying. I was just in the moment with him.”
“Maybe. Who knows?”
“I need to apologize to him. Can you ask Blair to give me some time with Noah?”
Matthew made his way down the hall to Noah’s room. He stepped into the room, and seeing Noah lying in the hospital bed took him all the way back to the night he woke up from his coma. He sat beside Noah.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to come here. I was scared. I was scared to tell you I had my memories back. I couldn’t feel the love, and I didn’t want to hurt you again. So, I kept it to myself. It’s crazy how we both came to Boston during a storm and ended up in a hospital.”
Matthew laughed at the irony of it. Their lives mirrored each other. Both had lost their fathers in high school. Their mothers were both currently sick. They had both been in an accident in Boston ten years apart from one another.
“Remember when we got married, and we were leaving the courthouse, and we passed that blonde twink who had just realized that he was being left at the alter? You started singing that song from Grey’s Anatomy. I remember thinking this is why I love you. You find a way to make me laugh when I need it the most. I needed to laugh that day because I could tell you didn’t want to marry me. I wanted you, though. You did it for my mother. I just knew we would be okay after a little time.”
Matthew pulled out his cell phone, and “Keep Breathing” by Ingrid Michaelson began playing. He kissed Noah on the hand. As he stared at Noah, he relaxed his mind, body, and soul. All the thoughts running through his mind floated away. Then, the words flowed from the depths of his heart like a mighty river.
“I am so sorry I hurt you. I was supposed to protect you always, and I failed. I want to be the person you saw in me. I know I can be. I need you to wake up and teach me how to be the man you saw inside of me. Teach me to be Mateo. Let me fall in love with you. I want to love you the way you deserve to be loved.”
With his guard finally down and his mind and heart open, it happened. The moment he first kissed Noah, the moment he first said I love you at the prom, the kiss in Times Square, the exchange of I love you at the Christmas resort, the feeling of magic during the snowball fight in the streets of Boston. He could feel it all. The love that had been frozen in time melted, and it wrapped itself around Matthew. It was like a bright light floating toward him. The light engulfed Matthew. He laughed out loud as all the joy and fun times came alive in him. Then, he felt the hurt from the bad times and the excitement from the good times. He was in love!
Tears streamed down Matthew’s face. He felt it! He knew Noah was his soulmate. It was all real. They were made for each other and there was no denying it. It filled him with joy and a warmth he hadn’t felt in a long time. Every special moment they had ever spent together was suddenly all the more real and heartfelt.
Matthew slightly shook Noah, and he pleaded, “Oh God! Baby, I feel it. I love you! I love you with all my heart and soul. Monty, wake up, baby. Come back to me. I can’t do this on my own. I’m not as strong as you. Please wake up! Monty, wake up. I need you. Please don't leave me all alone. I'm so sorry I was gone for so long, but I'm back, baby. I'm back.”
He picked up Noah’s hand and placed it on his heart. He calmed his breathing and just let the love he felt from him flow through his body. The love flowed from Matthew’s chest and into Noah’s hand. Matthew’s love traveled through space and time. It was in search of Noah. It would never stop until Noah was found and felt what had been missing for the last ten years of their lives.
“Feel my heart, Monty. It’s beating for you. I’m breathing for you. Feel me. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. Wake up, baby. It’s time to wake up. Come back to me. MONTY WAKE UP!
Matthew leaned over and kissed Noah softly on his soft and beautiful lips. Just as the songstress said, “All we can do is keep breathing,” Noah suddenly gripped Matthew’s shirt as if he were trying to grab his heart. His eyes opened, and slowly, he found Matthew next to him. A great sense of relief, joy, and peace washed over Matthew. It was like something out of a fairytale. Noah was Snow White, and Matthew was his Prince Charming, who had delivered the kiss of true love to awaken him from his death-like sleep.
“Monty,” Matthew asked in almost disbelief.
“Mateo,” Noah said weakly.
Matthew jumped up and wrapped his arms around Noah, and then he kissed him passionately without thinking. Both of their hearts leaped. Matthew was truly back, and Noah was awake. For the first time in a long time, it seemed as if time was finally on their side.
Matthew exclaimed, “You’re awake? Are you really awake? Baby, I missed you. Don’t you leave me again.”
Noah smiled and asked, “ Mateo, you remember me?”
Matthew nodded his head, “I remember everything. I’m so sorry it took me so long to find my way back to you, but I’m here now. I’m here, Monty. I'm not going anywhere again.”
Matthew kissed him again. Noah couldn’t believe that Matthew remembered their life. Eleven months ago, that was all he wanted, and now that it was real, he wasn’t sure how to feel. Matthew, on the other hand, was beyond himself. He was right where he belonged, and he couldn’t see spending his life with anyone else.
The elevator opened, and MJ and Lola ran down the halls. They ran into the room and stopped in their tracks when they saw Matthew in bed with Noah. Noah was resting his head on Matthew.
Lola screamed with tears of joy, “DADDY!”
Noah smiled, and she ran and leaped into the bed, careful not to cause any pain to Noah’s broken bones. MJ stood there, unsure if he belonged or not. He had hurt both his parents.
Matthew and his son locked eyes, and he smiled at him and waved him over. MJ ran and jumped on the bed. Some kind of way, every last one of them fit together on that tiny bed. They were a family, and a beautiful one at that.
Outside, Blair was staring through the glass at them. Ishmael came and stood next to him. Watching them all together would have given anyone pause for concern or the foresight to bow out gracefully.
Ishmael spoke, “No one stands a chance when it comes to these two. Noah is always destined to have Matthew, and Matthew is destined to have Noah. What becomes of us they leave behind in the wake of their destruction? Bow out gracefully; lady destiny is on their side,”
“I like to think we make our own destiny in this world,” said the female voice.
Blair and Ishmael turned, and behind them was the ever-so-beautiful Bev. She had grown into a powerhouse of a woman, and she was also very protective of her big brother’s heart.
“Bev, what are you doing here,” Blair greeted her with a warm smile and warm embrace.
“I’m here for you. I couldn’t leave Moscow earlier due to work. I finished things up and got on the first flight. Luckily, I did; otherwise, you’d be listening to him tell you to give up on Noah. Matty doesn’t get to break another Sinclair sibling's heart.
Blair turned and looked at Ishmael. Ishmael’s eyes said what his mouth didn’t. Back inside the room, Noah was indeed happy to be awake and happy to know Matthew remembered everything. There was one thing, though. The memories he had repressed had been fully awakened, and all the hurt and betrayal he felt that he had never processed was sitting in the pit of his stomach. Do you know what they say about unprocessed hurt? As long as you hold on to it, it will continue to resurface!
TO BE CONTINUED
© Grayson Rose 2025. All rights reserved.
