“this love has dried up and stayed behind. And if i stay, i’ll be alive. Then choke on words i’d always hide. Excuse me, first love, but we’re through. I need to taste a kiss from someone new. forgive me, first love, but i’m tired. I’m bored to say the least and i, i lack desire. Forgive me, first love.”
-adele (first love)
So many questions. Such little answers. Not enough time. How did we get here? Are you ready? There’s a lesson to be learned in all of this. What’s the lesson you ask? It’s to love unconditionally. Say it often and say it proudly to the ones you love. We are, after all, pilgrims passing through to our final voyage. My mother used to say never let the sun go down on you angry. Save yourself from regret and leave no business unfinished. Because in this unpredictable journey of life, we never know what the next moment holds.
They say that one of the last things people say before they die is i love you. they say those words but aren’t sure why they are saying them. I think it’s a feeling they have deep down inside. So, they say it, and with those words, they are ensuring that they are leaving no business unfinished. Now, let's begin so that we may end.
November 2026 (the acknowledgement?)
Noah sat in his car outside the home that matthew and ishmael called their own. the sky was angry and falling apart. According to the old folk back home, the lord was doing his work; whenever god was working, you’d best be quiet.
The funny thing about noah is that he never liked the quiet. There were moments in his life when a little solitude was nice, but even in those moments, there was always a little white noise in the background—the last eleven months had been such an emotional rollercoaster. He still wasn’t sure if the decision he was making was the right one. he needed a sign because once he knocked on that door, there would be no going back.
Music had always been a friend in his time of need. It was the universal love language that helped him through the roughest of times. He turned the radio on, and there was the sign. “first love” by adele was playing. The words rang true to his heart and soul. It was sort of reminiscent of how un-break my heart” by toni braxton played the night in the bookstore when he found out matthew was still alive. Now he was back in boston once again, and this time, it was time to say goodbye once and for all to his first love.
January 3, 2016 (the start?)
The snow was coming down hard. Most of the roads were closed to travel. Everyone was being encouraged to stay home and keep warm. It was predicted to be the worst blizzard in the last century. Yet, matthew was undeterred, his resolve unwavering as he prepared to head out into the storm. There was something urgent, something of great importance that he needed to attend, something he refused to tell noah. Whatever it was, it was worth the risk.
“i don’t like this, mateo,” noah's voice was filled with fear as he paced back and forth, his worry palpable in the air. he didn’t want matthew to go out in the storm; the thought of his safety burdened his heart.
“i promise i will be back before you know it,” he said as he finished wrapping his scarf around his neck. “how do i look,” he asked as he faced noah, dressed in all of his winter gear like an eskimo.
Noah puffed, “it’s a fuckin’ blizzard coming, and you’re going out in it. i don’t like this. Please don’t go.”
Matthew raised his eyebrow. He was still waiting for noah to tell him how he looked.
“ugh, you look good. You know you look good,” noah said.
“i always do,” he smiled. “i promise i will tell you everything when i'm back,” he said.
Matthew took his locket off. it was the same one that noah had given him for his eighteenth birthday. It was his favorite thing in the world. He never parted ways with it.
“tell you what, hold on to this until i get back. It’s my favorite gift from you. i’m coming back for it and for you,” he said as he placed the locket around noah’s neck.
It was a snowstorm for the ages. Officer jones, a young and dedicated member of the boston pd, had been on the force for just a little over a year. Despite his relative inexperience, he was known for his unwavering commitment to his duty. He was patrolling the banks of the charles river in near-subfreezing temperatures, a testament to his dedication.
Due to the nature and magnitude of the storm, the city was trying to ensure that no one was without shelter before the worst parts of it made landfall. Officer jones was doing his last round before heading into the precinct to relax in its warmth.
He stood for a brief second and looked around. An object floating in the river caught his attention. He quickly turned on the flashlight. The light hit the object. At first glance, it looked like trash floating, but its true identity revealed itself as it moved closer. He was staring at a person floating in the river.
“hey! Can you hear me,” he shouted.
The person didn’t respond, so he radioed for help. The river was freezing cold, and he knew that if he went in, he could expose himself to hypothermia. He waited for backup and kept his eyes on the person. The person floating in the river was none other than matthew. His face was bloody and bruised. He was unconscious and barely holding on for life.
May 2010 (1st love?)
Noah stood outside of the arena with vivian, rosa, ashlyn, cliff, and uncle bobby. So many people were wandering about in their cap and gowns. In the distance, noah spotted matthew walking toward them. He looked so astute in his cap and gown. Noah had never been more proud of him.
Noah shouted, “here comes the graduate.”
The whole gang started to clap and cheer. Matthew was officially done at emory university. Matthew’s heart was full of joy. the best part was that he was able to share the monument with noah. As he approached them, he toyed with the ring box in his pocket.
The only thing that could make the day better was to ask noah to marry him. everyone went down the line, hugging him. rosa was a proud mother. Finally, when he got to noah, he looked him in the eyes, and he felt nothing but peace and joy.
“well, how does it feel,” noah asked.
“feels great. Now we just have to get you to finish your last year, and we can set sail anywhere we want,” he said with a bright smile.
Noah laughed, “is that right?”
Matthew nodded his head, “yes. tell me a secret, monty.”
Noah whispered, “i know you have a ring in your pocket. You better not pull it and ask me to marry you. today is all about you.”
January 2011 (unity?)
Matthew kissed noah and ran his hands all over his chest and stomach. He had no worries or cares about getting sick. All he cared about was being with the man he loved. Matthew stood up and stripped out of his clothing. Noah took hold of mat’s throbbing penis and placed it in his mouth.
He sucked on the head of his cock and massaged his balls. He took matthew deeper down his throat. Matthew slowly fucked noah’s mouth. Matthew’s toes curled when noah swirled his tongue around the shaft.
“your mouth is so amazing,” he moaned.
Matthew pushed noah back on the sofa and pulled his cock out. he spit on noah’s cock and then took it in his mouth. Noah’s eyes rolled, and he let out a little moan. Matthew stroked him with his hand as he sucked on the head of his cock.
He moved his mouth further down the length of noah’s cock. He took him deeper and moved faster up and down on his dick. He ran his tongue from the base to the head and then licked his balls.
Noah groaned, “oh fuck, mateo.”
Matthew stood up, and then he straddled noah’s lap. he eased down on the long chocolate dick. It slowly spread his thick ass cheeks. Noah let out a loud moan. Matthew began to fuck himself on just the head. Little by little he took more until he was sitting entirely in noah’s lap.
Once he had every inch inside, he began to bounce up and down. Noah placed his hands on matthew’s round ass. matthew worked his insides and made noah’s dick feel affection. He moved up and down and round and round.
His ass bounced with ripples like a rock skipping the lake. Noah’s dick felt terrific, brushing against the walls of his ass. matthew never wanted it to end.
“you should fuck me more often,” matthew moaned.
“whatever you want,” noah said as he struggled to control the urge to pound him harder.
Their lips once again connected. Noah ran his hands up and down matthew’s back, sending chills through his spine. Matthew’s anus started to become wet, and the juices from his ass leaked all over noah’s cock.
Matthew grunted and said, “i want you to really pound me. i need it.”
He stood up and bent over the arm of the sofa. Noah fed his hungry hole his stiff meat. He pounded him hard and fast. Matthew’s ass began clapping and making loud sounds as noah’s dick went in and out of him.
Matthew moaned louder. Noah gripped his waist and drove his dick inside of him. each time he fucked him, his dick hit that sensitive spot in his ass. matthew grabbed the arm of the sofa harder. He smiled a big smile as his hole got drilled over and over.
“yes. fuck me. oh my god, yes, baby. Just like that. Fuck me, matthew shouted.
“mateo, i feel weak,” noah mumbled.
He fell back on the sofa. His dick was still stiff as a brick. Matthew eased back down and started to bounce up and down on it again. He fucked himself harder and faster. Noah watched in amazement as matthew transformed into a power bottom right before his eyes.
He slowed down, rolled his hip, and then bounced up and down again. The walls of his anus were soaking wet. noah briefly fucked up into him. matthew’s hole worked the dick gliding in and out of him.
His ass was screaming like a jelly-filled doughnut. His white cream was leaking everywhere. Noah’s dick was hitting all the right spots in his ass. he couldn’t help but moan and ride the dick. It was doing what a good dick does. It was fucking him like royalty.
“it’s so fucking good,” matthew proclaimed as he bounced harder than before.
His dick was slapping noah in the stomach and chest. Every slap left a mark of precum on noah. Noah didn’t care. He was in paradise. That’s what matthew’s ass felt like. It had his dick twitching inside of him. he knew he was on the verge of exploding.
“i’m gonna nut,” noah groaned.
“together,” matthew said.
He started to stroke his cock as he rode noah faster. Noah could feel it coming. His balls were churning double time. Matthew rode him harder and faster. His cock swelled in his hands.
Matthew grunted, “i’m bout to cum. cum with me.”
Noah nodded his head in agreement. Matthew clenched his ass muscles and rocked back and forth. Noah let out a growl, and his dick fired off inside matthew’s tunnel. Matthew’s cock throbbed once, and then he released three ropes of cum across noah’s chest. They were exhausted, but most importantly, they were engaged.
October 2026 (acceptance?)
Matthew sat before the psychiatrists as a changed man. just a month ago, he had regained his memories, an experience both joyous and somber. He was now faced with the task of combining who he was with who he had become as greg. For a brief moment, he felt the love he once had for noah, and then it was gone. The love was gone, but the memories remained.
Dr. giovanni dever was a young, brilliant, and beautiful doctor. He specialized in helping people unlock repressed memories. As he studied matthew, he couldn’t help but wonder what lay buried deep in the back of his mind.
“i’ve gone over your file. You are a lucky man, matthew. Not many people with a severe brain injury recover all of their memories. You did. so, why are you here?” the doctor was straightforward and to the point.
Matthew exhaled, “i recovered my memories, but the feelings associated with them aren’t there. I remember being in love and knowing that noah was and is the love of my life, but i don’t feel anything when i think of him or remember our past.”
Giovanni nodded, “are you able to feel things for other people you remember?"
Matthew nodded his head as he thought about all the other people in his life. He could feel his emotions for them. When it came to noah, though, it was like staring at a blank canvas. There was nothing there for matthew to see and feel.
“have you told noah any of this,” the doctor asked.
“no, noah’s been through enough because of me. he’s currently living his best life sailing around the world with blair and his daughter, my daughter, i guess. I am still legally married to him.” matthew paused to collect his thoughts. “i don’t want to tell him i remember him only to then tell him i don’t remember how to love him or how it felt to love him. he already lost me once.”
“i see. so, where do i fit into this?” the doctor crossed his legs. The need to feel comfortable was always important to him.
“isn’t it obvious? I want you to help me recover my feelings for noah.”
Giovanni leaned forward in the chair, “recovering repressed feelings can be complex and challenging. The emotions are usually unconsciously blocked due to their painful or traumatic nature. In order to unlock them, we have to bring the feelings to a conscious awareness. Then, you have to process and integrate them. It’s not easy, and not everyone is able to do it.”
Matthew smirked, “i’m not everyone. I was left for dead, dr. dever. My skull was bashed in from a possible accident. I was found floating in the charles river in boston during a snowstorm. That’s over 200 miles from nyc, where i lived with my husband. I was on the brink of dying of hypothermia. I spent months in a coma. I woke up with no memories and spent ten years not knowing my life. Then, i walked into a bookstore ten months ago and met the man i was created for. i got my memories back nine months after meeting him. i can do this. The question is, can you help me.”
Giovanni smiled at matthew. He liked the fire and the fight that matthew had. it was one thing to talk a good game, but to see it and feel it was something different. He could feel the fight in matthew. It was time to see it.
Noah entered the cabin on the sailboat in his bathrobe. The thunder outside roared, and the ocean rocked back and forth. He dropped the robe, revealing his toned body. He was wearing nothing but a pair of white briefs.
“now that’s a sight i could get used to waking up to,” blair said as he sat up in bed.
Noah giggled, “is that right?”
Blair patted the bed, “absolutely.”
Blair took his index finger and traced noah’s soft lips. Noah kissed his finger. Blair felt his heart race a little faster. Noah felt chills run through his body as blair touched his lips. He was making him feel alive in ways that had died years ago.
As they lay there listening to the rain, blair clapped his hands. Toni braxton’s “breathe again” began to play. Noah looked over his shoulder at blair.
“did that impress you,” blair asked with a smile.
“maybe. maybe not. you have to find out on your own,” noah said playfully.
Blair seductively said, “i can do that. I can do anything you want me to do.”
Blair slid his hand down to the front of noah’s underwear. He slowly began to stroke noah’s cock through the fabric. It started to harden and firm up in blair’s hand. Noah moved his hand under blair’s underwear and took his erection into his hands. They both slowly stroked each other.
He pulled blair’s erect penis out and took the head into his warm mouth. Blair let out a soft moan. Noah pulled the foreskin back and exposed the pink head of blair’s cock. He took it back into his mouth and began to move his head up and down. He sucked and licked the cock. With each lick, he took in the precum dripping from it.
“oh, that feels so good,” blair moaned.
November 2026 (connections?)
Matthew paced back and forth across the floor of dr. dever’s office. He was angry and frustrated. It felt like the therapy sessions weren’t working. He was no closer to connecting with his old feelings and emotions than the first day.
“one of the things i try to do is help people find the connection. Connection is what helps bridge the memories with the emotions. Maybe discussing the person you do have emotional feelings about will help us unlock your emotions for noah,” giovanni said with an inviting smile.
Matthew asked, “ishmael?”
Giovanni replied, “precisely.”
For a moment, the office was quiet. Matthew thought back on the life he had built as gregory black with ishmael. It was such a beautiful life, and the love they shared with one another had been easy. There had been no big fights, hurtful break-ups, or affairs. No, the affairs came the moment noah entered his life. Without noah, he had been living the simple american dream with ishmael.
March 2016 (rebirth?)
Ishmael had been working part-time in the hospital for the last few months. The rent in boston was constantly rising, causing singles who make less than 100k a year to take on a second job. ishmael had scored the job in housekeeping by accident, and it had become therapy for him.
He had been assigned to the coma ward. Ishmael was in the process of mopping the floors. He had headphones in his ears. A mini-concert was playing in his head, and he was the star of it. just as he was really starting to get in the groove of things, a hand grabbed his wrist.
“holy shit,” he jumped, scared. He nearly knocked over the monitor and the mop bucket in the process.
He quickly snatched his headphones out. his eyes landed on those of matthew, aka greg. Though he didn’t know him, he quickly felt a spark. Matthew’s eyes were full of sadness and hope. He had been lying there in the bed, awake for hours. The nurse was slacking on her job.
“help me,” he barely uttered.
His strength was gone, and his muscles were weak, but he felt something for the tall, dark, and mysterious man before him. something about ishmael gave him hope and calmed his anxious fears about the unknown world around him.
“let me call for help,” ishmael said as he tried to walk away.
Matthew tightened his grip, “don’t leave me. please.” his words pierced ishmael’s heart and soul.
“okay,” he said as he took a seat on the bed next to him. “i’ll stay all night if i have to.”
Ishmael did just that. He stayed and became apart of matthew’s life. They would become friends, and he would soon introduce matthew to all his friends, and a love bloomed between them.
July 2018 (2nd love?)
It was the fourth of july holiday, and the group had rented a beach house in martha’s vineyard. All day, matthew had been trying to play the role of a good best friend. He found himself stealing glances at ishmael and david. He chastised himself for lusting after his friend.
At some point in the evening, matthew found himself in his room staring up at the ceiling. The party was still going strong. “bitch” by meredith brooks was playing outside. Matthew found the lyrics funny because, in the moment, he felt like a bitch. He was thinking of his best friend, who also had a boyfriend. Why did they have to do that threesome?
There was a knock at the door. Before he could say anything, the door opened, and ishmael stepped inside.
“hey. just wanted to check on you. are you okay,” he asked with such care and love.
Matthew exhaled, “yeah. just needed some space from everyone.”
Ishmael looked hurt by the comment. The last thing matthew wanted was to hurt him.
“oh. well, i’ll leave you alone,” he said as he turned around.
Matthew knew he should have left him alone. He should have let him leave the room, but he couldn’t. Who was he kidding? He was in love with him, and he wanted him.
“fuck it,” matthew said as he hopped off the bed.
He grabbed ishmael and brought him into a kiss full of passion. Ishmael didn’t fight him. they kissed like two people finally reuniting in a classic rom-com.
“i’m in love with you, ish. i love you so much,” matthew said as he rested his forehead on ishmael’s.
“i’ve waited two years for you to say that. I love you too, gregory black,” ishmael said as he smiled.
Just as they kissed once more, the sky lit up with fireworks. The fireworks display grew more intense, and so did their kisses.
November 2026 (good-bye?)
The rain was pouring hard outside. Ishmael lay in his bed, tossing and turning. Every night, he struggled to sleep. He had been replaying many of the past events in his head. Just as he closed his eyes, he heard “bitch” by meredith brooks playing outside. It sounded like it was right outside his home.
He made his way down the stairs. He opened the front door, and there was matthew holding a damn boombox over his head in the rain playing the song. Ishmael smiled because he knew the significance of the song. It was the song that played when they first said i love you and the boombox scene was from ishmael’s favorite rom-com, “say anything.”
Matthew turned the music off. he was soaking wet. he didn’t care, though. He figured it out during his therapy session. His life with ishmael was worth fighting for.
“i remember my life. My name is matthew colby. I’m from birmingham, al, and i’m a trust fund baby. I had a life before you, but i have no emotional ties to it. my emotions are in the life i built with you. i used to say that god wiped my memories and took me away from that life so that i could have the life he wanted for me. i got so caught up in remembering that i forgot our memories. I’m sorry. I love you, ish. i don’t want noah. I want us!”
Ishmael’s heart swelled. A huge part of him knew he should have told matthew to leave. So many things had changed and transpired. They could never honestly go back to being who they were. Or could they? Another part of him wanted matthew back. If only for the right to say noah had finally lost matthew to someone else. Against his better judgment and in line with his heart, he accepted matthew back. He ran out of the house into the pouring rain, and they kissed.
Noah had finally returned to the states with lola. He unlocked the front door, and they stepped into the foyer of his home. There, he found mj making out with, of all people, a guy!
“mj,” noah yelled.
The two young men broke their kiss. Mj was shocked to see his dad back home much earlier than expected. He didn’t want anyone to know about his interactions with people of the same sex.
“dad, you’re home early.”
“sorry to ruin your night,” noah said as he cut his eyes at the young man.
“mj, i should go. i’ll text you later,” the young guy said as he snaked past noah.
“dad, can we not make a big deal out of this,” mj asked with a bit of snarkiness.
“it’s kinda hard not to make a big deal, mj. you’ve only ever had girlfriends. I thought you were straight. Not that you have to come out or identify as one thing or another. I’m just curious, son. when did you start dating guys? Tell me everything or as much as you’re comfortable telling me,” noah said with a charming smile.
“i’m not dating guys. I’m just making out. it’s not the end of the world. It’s experimenting! Isn’t that what college is for,” he said with a bit of resentment in his voice.
“i’m not trying to offend you. i’m just confused. I support your sexuality no matter what. I just thought you’d tell me. you tell me everything. You always have,” noah said calmly.
“yeah, well, maybe if you hadn’t left me and went sailing across the ocean with some new dick and been here for me, you would have known. But you weren’t here! You left, and honestly, you could have stayed gone,” he yelled.
“i’m sorry. I should have known this was a sensitive topic. I promise not to pry, but i don’t like your tone right now,” noah said.
“yeah, and i don’t like that you just neglected your so-called child for a guy, but you took lola. I get it. she’s your real child, right? The one you share dna with. What was i, some kid you wanted to groom to grow up and be your boyfriend because i looked like your dead husband? But you don't need me since he’s back from the dead. You don’t care about me, noah.” mj spit every word at noah like a venomous snake. He wanted to inflict pain and kill noah’s heart, and he succeeded at it.
His words cut noah like nothing he had experienced before. The words hurt worse than losing matthew. He was left speechless, heartbroken, and shattered. Never had mj ever spoken to him like that. They had always had such a loving, respectful, and fun father-son relationship. Just then, the front door opened, and blair walked in with his luggage.
“that rain is really coming down,” he said as he dropped his luggage. “hey, you must be mj. your dad has told me so much about you. i’m blair.”
Blair held his hand out for mj to shake. Mj stared at it and then cut his eyes at both blair and noah.
“i’m leaving, and by the way, noah isn’t my dad. he’s just the guy who adopted me,” mj said as he walked away.
The rain, a relentless downpour, had been falling every day for the last week along the northeastern seaboard. It was as if god himself was shedding tears for the torn relationship between noah and mj. in the week since mj spewed his vicious words to noah, he had moved out of the house. He left nyc and went to boston to live with matthew and ishmael.
Ishmael opened the door, and to his utter surprise, it was noah. The rain had completely drenched him. he stood on the porch shaking and holding a briefcase in his hand.
“noah,” ishmael said a little loud. He was shocked that noah was there.
From the kitchen, matthew heard ishmael and instructed mj to stay there. Matthew came to the door as well. Matthew’s feelings may have been gone, but he knew noah. He could see the hurt, depression, and anxiety all in him. every detail and memory of noah lived in his brain.
“noah, mj doesn’t want to see you. i thought we agreed it was for his best to stay here,” matthew said as calmly as possible.
“i’m here to see the two of you,” he said breathlessly. ‘blair is working on a project in london and he’s asked me and lola to go with him. so, i said yes. it was a good way to give mj the space he needs and allow him to finish at the school of his dreams. We’ll be gone a year, but a year could easily turn into forever. Blair loves me, and i know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and he doesn’t like living in the states.”
“seems like you have it all figured out,” matthew said.
“it's what i do. just promise me that when he is open to hearing it, you will tell him that i love him and will always be there whenever he needs me. no matter what,” noah said as he stood up and grabbed his things.
Mj stood in the hall, listening to the conversation. He could be mad for as long as he wanted. One thing he couldn’t truly deny was that noah would do anything for him. that kind of love he knew was unconditional, and he was grateful for it. he was also confused and angry. That angry side of him was controlling everything. It all came from one night not long ago.
Matthew walked noah to the front door. Just as noah was about to step out, matthew touched his arm. they stared into the eyes of each other. Noah could have stared into matthew’s eyes for all eternity. He still loved him in a way he knew he could never love anyone else.
“be careful. Dive slow, and if it gets bad, turn around or pull over and let the worst part pass,” matthew said.
Noah laughed, “those are the exact same words i said to you when you disappeared into the snow all those years ago.”
Matthew stood silently and just held noah’s gaze. Looking at him, he wished more than anything that he could have his feelings back, but he couldn’t access them.
Noah exhaled, “i still remember your response to it.”
They both said, “yes, dad.”
The two of them shared a light-hearted laugh for a brief second, and the memories of a love once shared wrapped around them for a moment.
Noah asked, “can you tell me a secret?”
Matthew inhaled and said, “i’m afraid that i’ll never have the same relationship with mj as you had.”
“it’ll be different. It’s not supposed to be the same. He does love you. he wouldn’t have come to you if he didn’t.”
“thank you for saying that,” matthew said with a friendly smile. “can you tell me a secret?”
“i’m afraid of what’s coming next.” noah’s voice trembled with the admission. “good night, and i wish you and ishmael a lifetime of happiness.”
Matthew replied, “i wish the same for you and blair.”
Noah suddenly felt a tug at his heart. Something was knocking at him, and he knew he had to say it before he left.
“i want to tell you that i love you,” noah said.
“noah,” matthew said empathically. He couldn’t return the feelings no matter how much he wished he could.
“don’t say anything. I just wanted you to know. Take care of our son,” he said.
Noah, for some reason, laughed once more, and then he stepped out the door. He looked back once more at matthew, and then the door closed.
The rain was falling even harder. Noah basked in the rain for a moment. It soaked him all over again, but he enjoyed it in a way he had never done before. He got in his bmw. he wished he had been able to see mj, but he understood that he needed space from him.
He turned on the radio and reached for his seatbelt just as he heard "make this go on forever” by snow patrol for the first time in nearly two decades. He smiled as a special memory that involved him, and matthew flashed through his mind. The memory distracted him, and he forgot about his seatbelt. He drove off!
Then it suddenly hit him. matthew remembered what he had said to him that night during the snowstorm. He knew then that matthew had his memories back, and his heart filled with excitement. He looked back out the rearview mirror. He debated if he should go back or not.
“you remember,” he smiled. “bastard.” his eyes watered with joy and a weird sense of peace.
The ringing of his phone grabbed his attention. He turned and put his eyes back on the road. Blair’s name showed up on the dash. He was about to answer it when the rain suddenly stopped, and he saw the traffic light. That quickly, the light had changed. He couldn’t see it at first through the heavy downpour. He couldn’t stop the car in time. His car ran the light. The bright, high beams of the ford f-150 heading for him shined through the driver’s side of the vehicle.
The air around him went still. He braced himself for impact. He wondered if this was it. is this how it all ends? The truck slammed into the driver's side at high speed. Noah’s black bmw flipped three times. He wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and was ejected from the car on the third flip.
People nearby who were out in the rain ran over to him. many of them were unsure what to do. noah lay there in the middle of tremont street. His body was shaking, and his breathing was deep and hollow. He was a bloody and broken mess. His beautiful chocolate face was scarred entirely.
“hey, you’re gonna be okay,” an older lady shouted. “someone call an ambulance.” she wanted to apply pressure to stop the bleeding, but there were so many open wounds, and there was only one of her. “someone help me apply pressure,” she shouted.
His breathing began to slow down. Everything around began to grow faint. Memories of a life lived beyond all expectations and measures flashed before his eyes. He wondered if this was what death felt like. His birth and images of his life in florida before he met matthew ran free. A dazzling light, pure and radiant, appeared before him. in that light was his father.
With fixed eyes, he mumbled through shallow breaths, “dad. i see you.”
His dad reached his hand out for noah to take. A tear rolled from noah’s eye. should he take his hand, or should he stay and fight? Was it worth it? Did he have a choice in the matter?
He could still hear the song “make this go on forever” playing in his head as a montage of his life flashed before him.
Montage:
He sees himself as a newborn being held by his parents for the first time.
In the backyard, his father tosses him a football for the first time.
Watching smallville, he realizes he’s gay for the first time when he sees a shirtless tom welling.
Standing before his father’s grave as the coffin is being lowered.
The first time he met matthew in chemistry class.
His first kiss with matthew.
The first time he and matthew made love.
Meeting blair at the lake.
The day he met zane with trevor.
His failed threesome with matthew and terrick.
Riding on the train through the winter wonderland.
Holding mj in his arms the day he was born.
Watching lola blow out the candles on her birthday cake.
The day he married matthew.
The day he buried matthew.
Seeing matthew in the crowd at the bookstore.
Finally, saying i love you one last time to the love of his life.
End of montage
The sirens could be heard in the distance. A deep sleep washed over noah, and with that, he closed his eyes. The sky roared, and the lightning flashed, and once again, the rain began falling. The bloody streets were washed clean of noah’s blood.
People say i love you to ensure that they leave no unfinished business because you never know when the last time is truly the last time. I hope you said it today. I hope you learned the lesson. So, again, i ask, are you ready? Are you prepared for what comes next? Because we haven’t truly answered how we got here and we still don’t know how it ends. Please forgive me, first love.
The end of volume 1
I posted the 1st chapter here as an experiment. I wanted to know if a queer story that was not heavy on sex would be well received. I did not expect anyone to read, let alone relate to it. Throughout the whole process, I’ve learned so many things. I had no idea how emotional yet cynical I was about love, but rooting for Noah and Matthew softened my views. Every time someone commented or liked the story, it pushed me to dive deeper into their realm of love. I hope this story has inspired you guys to love with your whole heart. Volume 1 may have come to an end, but I assure you their love continues to live beyond space and time. I’m sorry if the cliffhanger is a disappointment for those who wanted something a bit more tangible. All I can say is maybe you’ll get your wish in Vol 2 if I ever decide to post it here. Please don't judge me too harshly. So, thank you, and happy reading!
-Grayson Rose
