“And I’ve asked myself, how much do you commit yourself? Oh, It’s my life. Don’t you forget. It’s my life. It never ends.” - No Doubt (It’s My Life)
February 2026
Ishmael and Matthew stepped onto the elevator, and Ishmael pressed five. Just as the doors began to close, a hand stopped them. The doors opened to reveal Noah. All three men, caught off guard by Noah's sudden appearance, instantly became visibly upset. Noah, his entrance disrupting the calm, stepped in, and stood on Matthew’s side.
Matthew quickly clinched onto Ishmael. Noah caught what Matthew did out of the corner of his eye. He understood why Matthew did what he did. Noah and Matthew both regretted their actions from that night.
Matthew’s heart sank when he saw Noah. The thoughts of their sexual encounter in the pool flashed before his eyes. He felt pleasure and remorse all at the same time. He loved Ishmael and would never want to hurt him. Yet, for some reason, he felt this crazy attraction toward Noah. He didn’t love Noah, so he wasn’t sure why he risked his marriage the way he did.
The three men sat in Dr. Linda Evans’s office. She was a renowned cognitive therapist who also specialized in relationships. Linda sat in her chair with her long Auburn hair and dark eyes. Her energy was warm and inviting. After Matthew and Noah slept together in the pool, they agreed to sit with a professional. So, they found themselves in New York City face to face with Dr. Evans.
Linda said, “I would like to start the session by expressing what you hope to gain from this experience.”
“I’ll go first,” Ishmael spoke, “I hope to know where I fit in as Greg, my husband, starts to learn about his old life. I want to know if he will still love me if he remembers his life.”
Linda cleared her throat, “What about you, Greg? You are the star here.”
Matthew glanced at Noah and Ishmael. “I hope to make peace with who I was and who I am. I want to do right by Ish. I love him with all my heart. I want to put everything to rest and get my life back on track.” The hurt and confusion was evident in Matthew’s voice.
Linda focused on Noah, “Noah, that just leaves you. You are the gatekeeper to Greg’s past life as Matthew. What are your intentions?”
Noah smirked, “If you had asked me that a week ago, I would have said I wanted my husband back and that I would do anything to get him back.”
Linda nodded, “And now?”
Noah sighed, “Now, all I want is to help him learn about his past so that he is comfortable enough to meet his mother and sister. They want to see him. I know he’s not ready because of what we did. I want to apologize to Ishmael for my actions. Actually, to both of them. I took advantage of Greg. I seduced him. My love and need to win made me crazy, and there is no excuse. I apologize for my actions. Ishmael, I am so sorry for the hurt it caused you.”
“I just want to move on from it. I appreciate the apology, but I’m beyond it now,” Matthew said.
“Why should we believe him? What he did was fucked up,” Ishmael barked.
“It was. I didn’t register how bad it was until I saw Ishmael’s face, and then I was reminded of how it felt when Matthew, Greg, whatever you want to call him, picked Bev over me. Then I remembered the things that happened in college. I don’t like hurting people.” Noah was filled with regret, and he was sincere in his words.
Ishmael’s heart softened some as he listened to Noah. Despite his anger, he understood where Noah was coming from. They both were in love with the same man, and in their eyes, Matthew/Greg was worth it all.
“Okay. Now that we have our intentions set, let’s go back in time. Greg asked that you explain the black eyes. He remembered you both having black eyes in college. Can you tell them about it, Noah?”
“No. I’m not talking about that. Ask me something else.” Noah was emotional about that topic.
Matthew shouted, “That’s bullshit! You don’t get to decide what you can and cannot tell me. It’s my life as well. I demand to know the fucking truth, Noah. When you love someone, you tell them the truth!”
Noah sat silently, staring at everyone. He felt his blood begin to boil. An anger he hadn’t felt in a long time started to surface. Noah jumped to his feet.
“Fuck you all! I won’t sit here and be burned at the stakes because of my choices. So, kiss the blackest part of my entire ass,” he shouted.
Noah stormed out of the office. The elevator was taking forever, and he kept pressing the down button.
“You know that doesn’t make it come any faster,” Ishmael’s voice came from behind.
Noah turned to him, “I’m not going back in there. So, save your speech.”
“I’m not asking you to. Greg is going to have a solo session, and I was hoping you and I could talk.” Ishmael really wanted to have a conversation with Noah.
“Now is not a good time. I have somewhere to be.”
“What are you afraid of, Noah?”
Noah was stunned, “What? I don’t-I don’t understand.”
“There was a look of fear in your eyes. Something happened that you don’t want him to remember. Right?”
Through tears, Noah said, “I want him to remember me, but I don’t want him to remember the part of us that was so toxic. We treated each other like shit. If he remembers that he may not ever want to know me. It would feel like having him die all over again.”
Ishmael asked, “I get you’re scared. You don’t know this version of him, but I do. Can you tell me about it? Then we can decide together if he should know or not.”
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Noah was not expecting Ishmael to show him any kindness.
“Years ago, before I met Matthew, I was in a dark place and did some bad things. I kept it from people, and it only made things worse when they found out. I will admit you’re not my favorite person, but he is starting to remember things. He will never forgive you if he remembers what you kept from him and didn’t tell him first. That much I can tell you about this version of him.”
The elevator finally arrived. Noah wanted to leave, but he knew Ishmael was right. Noah and Ishmael took a seat, and so began the story of how Noah and Matthew found themselves in a dark place.
September 2006
Matthew felt entirely out of his zone for the first time. He was in a new city with no friends. He wasn’t the popular jock that everyone worshipped. No one knew him in Atlanta. College so far had been okay. It wasn’t anything spectacular.
He was jogging along campus when he saw a sight that would be the start of things turning around. Some guys were playing football. They were all wearing shorts, a few were shirtless, and the others wore beaters.
Matthew slowed his running down. Something that had never happened to him before happened. He found himself becoming sexually aroused. For the longest time, he thought Noah was the only guy he could or would ever find attractive.
One guy stood out in particular. He was medium height with long braids and a dark chocolate complexion. He was running toward Matthew; another guy was running up behind him. The guy leaped in the air to catch the football. As he jumped, all you could see was his giant, heavy glutes bounce. The guy caught the ball in midair.
As he came down, he was tackled by the other guy. They rolled on the ground, and when he stood up, Matthew could see his heavy cock swing. The guy made eye contact with Matthew and winked at him. Matthew ran off to his dorm room.
Noah and Trevor were enjoying life in New York City. When they weren't focused on schoolwork, they spent the last week sightseeing and familiarizing themselves with all the trendy spots for young gays in the city.
“Okay, where are we going?” Noah asked.
“I have to see Dean and DeLuca. It was on Felicity,” Trevor said in an over-the-top fashion.
“Isn’t that just some up-scale grocery store,” asked Noah.
“It is part of our generation. We owe it to ourselves to see the place where Keri Russell worked her fingers for a servant’s pay.”
“Fuck that, Blanche. I want to see Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment. 245 East 73rd Street. Let’s go,” Noah snapped.
“You’re gonna be disappointed. That’s not the building,” A deep voice said from behind them.
Trevor and Noah slowly turned around. Standing behind them, smiling, was Zane Jacobson. Zane was that tall, dark, and mysterious guy you’d love to bring home. He had dark hair, dark eyes, and bright red lips, which perfectly complimented his tanned white skin.
He introduced himself, “I’m Zane. You’re Noah, right?”
“I am. This is my best friend, Trevor.”
“A Southern, I see,” he said as he shook Noah’s hand.
Trevor interjected, “I’m a Californian. How do you know Noah?”
“I sit behind you in Professor Charles’s lit class. I was born and raised here, so I can show you where Carrie’s house really is.”
“Sure. After we see Dean & DeLuca, Trev is dying to see it.”
“Okay. Yeah sure. Let’s go,” Zane said as he broke through them and started walking.
Trevor glanced at Noah, “You may be in love with Matthew, but a tall, dark-haired white boy gets your panties wet every time.”
Noah laughed, “What can I say? I have a type.”
“Yes, you do. We have to find me a man, Dominique.”
Zane stopped and turned around, “You guys coming?”
The two ran to catch up with Zane. They had the time of their lives that day. Zane went out of his way to flirt with Noah every chance he got, and for some reason, Noah allowed it, and he flirted back.
Matthew was walking across campus when he saw a few guys standing off talking to some girls. As he got closer to them, he realized that one of the guys was the boy from earlier playing football. The guy spotted Matthew and ran over to him. He was holding a flyer in his hand.
“Hey, what’s your name, bruh?" The guy’s voice was deep and thunderous.
“Matthew.”
“I’m Terrick. This your first year?”
“Yeah. What about you?”
“2nd year. Listen, we’re having a little party tonight. You should come through.”
“I don’t know. I might not fit in.”
“Why is that?” he asked as he looked Matthew up and down.
“College parties are for hooking up. I don’t hook up with girls anymore.”
“Into the fellas. That’s cool. We got some for everybody.”
“My boyfriend might not like that. Long distance is already hard enough. I don’t need to add the stress on him.”
"Long distance. Damn, he left a dude as fine as you alone in Atlanta. I’d keep you close by.”
Matthew blushed, “We trust each other. He’s at school in NYC.”
Terrick raised an eyebrow, “And you’re down here talking to me. I think you should enjoy your college experience and any other experiences that come your way. Talk to your boy; hopefully, he will let you out to play some.”
Terrick rolled one of the flyers and shoved it down the front of Matthew’s pants. Matthew was caught off guard and also turned on by Terrick’s actions.
That evening, Matthew and Noah Skyped. Even though they both loved each other, there was this part of them that now wanted to have a full-blown college experience.
“How was your day?” Noah asked.
“It was good. I got invited to a party tonight but won’t go.”
“Why not? You’re in college. You should be having fun, Mateo.”
“The guy was flirting with me, Monty.”
“You’re hot. Dudes are going to flirt.”
“I thought you’d be jealous.”
“No. Someone flirted with me today. It happens.”
“Did you like it? I won’t get mad.”
“Who doesn’t like to be flirted with? Listen, go out and have fun. I trust you and know you’d tell me if anything happened.”
“I wish you were here. I love you, bae.”
“I love you too. Now go have fun. We’ll talk in a few days.”
The Skype call ended. There was a knock at Noah’s door. He opened the door, and Zane stood there. Noah was shocked to see him.
“So, I talked to Trevor earlier, and he told me your birthday is on Saturday. I thought we could do this low-key amateur drag event on Friday. Trevor also mentioned you did drag once.” Zane was talking in the sweetest voice.
Noah laughed, “We both are going to do drag?”
“No, just you. I can only imagine how good you look in a dress.”
“Did Trevor mention I have a boyfriend?’
“He said something about a guy. We’re just friends, though. Also, I brought you the best street hot dog in New York.” Zane held up a little brown bag.
Noah rolled his eyes playfully and invited Zane into his dorm room.
Matthew entered the frat house. The music was blaring loudly. The frat brothers were putting on a step show in the middle of the floor. Matthew found himself lost in the way they were moving. The way their bodies looked and the way their hips moved was hot as fuck to him.
He had to take a walk. He moved through the house, looking for Terrick. He found him in the corner, kissing a girl. When Terrick saw him, he smiled at him and waved him over. The girl walked away.
“You made it. I was scared your little boyfriend wouldn’t let you out of the house,” Terrick said.
“He was cool. Was that your girl,” Mathew asked.
“Just a little shorty looking for some dick,” he said as he pulled on his cock.
Matthew’s eyes followed. He quickly turned away when he realized he was lusting after Terrick.
“You can look. I don’t mind,” Terrick said.
“What are you? I see you with the girl, and you’re flirting with me.”
“I’m definitely doing all of that. I don’t do labels. I just go with the flow. Come on, let’s dance.”
Terrick didn’t wait for an answer. He spun Matthew around and pushed himself against him, and started on Matthew’s ass. Matthew tensed up.
“Relax. It’s just a dance. I got you. Nobody here cares at all,” Terrick whispered in his ear.
That night, Matthew didn’t dance with anyone else. Terrick introduced him to a few guys, most of whom were bisexual. They were all masculine and had bodies built from years of playing sports and weightlifting. Matthew felt like he had found his place and what was most attractive about men to him. He was attracted to their bodies and their masculinity.
Friday arrived, and Matthew woke up expecting to hear from Noah. It was his 19th birthday, and their 18th birthday was a shit show. He waited for an hour, but Noah never called.
Noah had woken up with every intention of calling Matthew. Trevor and Zane had showed up at his room with the idea of skipping classes and going to a few museums. Trevor was excited that Zane had a friend he was going to introduce him to at the drag event.
Matthew was walking aimlessly around the campus when he spotted Terrick and his friends playing football again. Terrick spotted him and called him over to join them.
Matthew’s morning quickly turned around. The physical sport was what he needed. Terrick couldn’t keep his eyes or hands off Matthew’s ass. Every time Matthew ran a good play, Terrick would slap him on the ass. The others would laugh as they watched Matthew’s cakes bounce. They knew Terrick was warming him up.
During one of the plays, Matthew jumps to catch the ball. Someone tackled him in midair. Matthew landed on his stomach, and the person made sure to hump him quickly. He pretended he was doing it in jest. Matthew took it as all fun games, though all the contact slightly turned him on.
When he stood up, the guys stared at a man walking. He was on the feminine side—a beautiful guy. His hair was pressed, and he was wearing makeup. He could quickly put any woman to shame.
Someone said, “Why the fuck they gotta do all that fag shit.”
Someone else chimed, “Right. Like shit, be gay, be don’t try, and be no bitch. That’s how you get fucked up. All that sissy shit.”
Matthew asked, “I thought you guys were bi.”
“We like men. That ain’t no man. That’s a walking tragedy. Asking for someone to fuck it up,” Terrick said.
Their words struck Matthew. For the first time, he saw things in a different way. He wondered if that was what his mother feared would happen to him when he came out. There was no way he would turn into anything less than masculine.
Noah found himself staring at a stunning masterpiece. It spoke to him as if telling him to embrace all the colors of his life. Zane walked over and stood next to him.
“I never understood this one,” Zane said.
“It’s not meant for everyone to understand. It speaks to those who identify with it.”
“How do you know if you identify with it if it doesn’t speak.”
Noah looked at him, “It speaks. You just have to listen carefully.”
Zane looked deep into his eyes. They held each other’s gaze. Their lips inched closer together. They were just about to kiss when Trevor called out.
“Let’s go, you two,” Trevor screamed.
The moment was gone, but the lingering sexual tension remained. Noah had just finished applying his makeup when Matthew Skyped him. He answered the call.
“So, you were going to let the entire day go by without saying happy birthday? That’s fucked up, Monty.” Matthew was angry.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. It totally skipped my mind.”
“Skipped your mind. Wow. Okay. I bet you know tomorrow is your birthday.”
“Mateo, I’m sorry. I promise I will make it up to you,” Noah said.
“Whatever. What is that on your face,” Matthew asked. He was confused.
“I’m doing drag tonight. I’m pretty excited about it. What do you think?”
Matthew frowned, “I don’t want you dressing like a girl. You’re a guy, Monty.”
“I know I’m a guy. I don’t need reminding. It’s only drag. It is a big part of who I am. Trevor and I did it in Cali.”
“Okay, that was Cali. You’re not in Cali anymore. You also have a boyfriend now. I’m not comfortable with it,” Matthew yelled.
Noah challenged him, “Well, you’re in fucking Atlanta. So, what are you going to do about it?”
“I swear to God, Monty, I’m not going to date a fag!” The words flew out of his mouth.
Instantly, Noah was back in high school. He could see the bullies around him calling him names and ready to fight him just for being gay.
“Then don’t date me!” Noah slammed his laptop shut.
Noah stood on the stage dressed like a gothic bride with a broken heart. “It’s My Life” by No Doubt began to play.
Noah timidly began to sing, “It’s funny how I find myself in love with you.”
Zane cheered him on, “You got this, Noah.”
With more confidence, he sang, “If I could by my reasoning. I’d pay to lose.”
People started to clap for him. He smiled and found his inner bad bitch that Uncle Bobby had helped instill in him.
He sang like Tina Turner, “One half won’t do.”
Then, he lost himself and transformed into a diva. He murdered the stage. He moved like it was nobody’s business. He wandered into the crowd and put on a show. Everyone was on their feet. He found Zane and walked over to sing to him. He touched Zane’s chest and made him the main attraction.
He sat in Zane’s lap, facing him. He owned him before the entire crowd. Trevor cheered his best friend on.
“That’s my bitch,” Trevor cheered.
Zane placed his hands on Noah’s hip and played along. Someone ran over and pretended to fan Noah. Zane was having the time of his life. Noah pulled Zane in for a hot kiss as the song ended, and the crowd went wild.
Matthew sat in his room, upset. Another birthday ended with him and Noah not on speaking terms. He loved him but was sure he couldn’t deal with the drag. There was a knock at the door. Matthew opened the door, and Terrick was holding a little cupcake.
“I just wanted to give you a birthday present,” Terrick said.
“A cupcake,” Matthew asked.
“This,” Terrick said as he pulled Matthew in for a kiss.
Matthew kissed him back. Terrick pushed his way into the bedroom and slammed the door shut behind him.
Zane was sitting on Noah’s bed when Noah walked in. All his makeup was gone and he was a regular boy again. Zane’s face lit up. He stood and pulled Noah close.
“I’m about to kiss you. If I kiss you, I’m not going to stop. If you don’t want me, now is the moment to kick me out. Just know I’ll be back tomorrow and the day after. All cards on the table. I like you so much, Noah.”
Noah took a deep breath. He could hear his mom telling him to embrace life and live. He could hear Uncle Bobby telling him he was a bad bitch. He could hear Trevor telling him to go to college as a single guy. They were all right!
“Kiss me!”
Zane pulled Noah into the hottest kiss ever. Noah lifted Zane’s shirt off and began to undo his pants.
“Are you sure,” Zane asked.
Noah stepped back, took his shirt off, and dropped his pants. Zane smiled, knowing he was finally about to get some of Noah.
