THE BEGINNING OF ALL THINGS
4
Fenn woke up instantly, in the night dark bedroom, when Todd sat down on the edge of the bed.
“You’re here! You’re finally here.”
Todd bent down and kissed him.
“Of course I’m here.”
“And now everything’s better,” Fenn said, sitting up. He took Todd’s hand.
“It’s impossible, really, to think about life without you for very long.”
“Well, there’s always that suicide pact.”
“Don’t be sick,” Fenn said. “You must be tired. You want a bath? Or do you want that later?” he asked, unloosening Todd’s tie, and climbing out of bed to help him undress.
“When I think of collapsing in the bed, I think of how foul I feel. When I think of water, I think of how much I want to sleep.”
“And you need a shave,” Fenn said.
“I thought you liked me hairy.”
“I like you anyway I can have you, my dear. But, you just lay down here.”
He began to unlace Todd’s shoes.
“I’ve slept, and Dylan’s been taking great care of me. Perhaps he masterminded the death of his great-grandmother to get off punishment, but I don’t think so. I’ve had plenty of time to rest, and I’m going to run you a bath. Just sit there.”
Fenn left the room to go downstairs for the dishwashing liquid, which he always used in place of bath foams—he didn’t believe in them. And there was some Epsom salt too. Neither one of them was getting any younger, but after twenty years, they seemed to be equally old. He thought of his man, long and lean and tired, stretched out on the bed half asleep, faithful to him all of these years. What could be better than the long tall olive skinned Todd with the bit of belly, now in middle years, and the traces of white at the temples? What could be sexier than that? He’d have to call Tara and Melanie, tell them that Todd was back. They could bring Maia over.
“Todd, go back upstairs and rest,” Fenn said. But when he turned around it was Dylan.
“Good,” Dylan said. “You’re happier when he’s around.”
“Well, I’m happy when you’re around too.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Dylan said while Fenn closed the cabinets with the olive oil and the salt and the soap he would put into the water.
“It’s how you are when he comes. Your eyes light up. You… you’re making him a bath.”
“Is this going somewhere?” Fenn said. “You are the cleverest boy with the cleverest thoughts, but sometimes they take forever to come out.”
Dylan grinned.
“That’s how I knew that Lance wasn’t going to work. I knew I’d never feel like that. I… the way you are with Todd. Lance is the way you are with Dad, and not even that. I want to feel like that for someone.”
“And maybe you will,” Fenn said, on the base of the stair. “Unless you already do.”
“I do,” Dylan said, his face going pink.
“I guessed.”
“I’ve always felt that way about Ruthven. You know, where you can’t imagine being without him.”
“Always? Since you were twelve?”
“Yes.”
Fenn nodded. “Alright then.”
Fenn was heading up the stairs, and now Dylan followed him to the top.
“Yes, son?” he said to the boy who was roughly the same size as him.
“Then you won’t… try to stop us from being together?”
As Fenn headed back to the main bathroom he said:
“When did trying to stop you from doing anything ever work?”
Dylan, in one of his excitements, lunged on his father’s back and hugged him.
When Fenn recovered he said to his son, “I won’t try to stop you. But Tom is another matter.”
Noah sent Paul to the shower, and then came in the shower too and they washed each other and kissed and went to the bed. They made love all night, letting everything out, twisting in the sheets, waking in the sheets that were covered with them. There was the crust of them. It hardly mattered.
Paul squeezed his thighs tight around Noah and kissed him for a long time.
“I always loved how your breath doesn’t smell in the morning,” Noah said.
“The secret is—”
Noah put a hand over Paul’s mouth.
“I don’t really need to know the secret.”
He buried his curly hair in Paul’s chest. Paul grinned in spite of himself.
“Mr. Riley, would you like to fuck?”
“Again?”
“And again and again.”
Noah stretched out on his back and drew Paul’s body to him. He was long and heavy and Noah ran his hands over the warmth of shoulders, arms and back.
“We have a funeral to get to.”
“And we’ll get to it,” Paul said. “But let’s get to this.”
And so they got to it. This time it was as filled with laughing and sharp sighs as with weeping the night before, and they came one after the other, in trembling convulsions, Noah amazed at the look on Paul’s face, the wide eyed terror and body trembles of the orgasm. When it was done, they lay together in the sweat and semen of the sheets, exhausted.
At length, Paul spoke.
“I think I am so in love with you.”
“I’m in love with you too.”
Paul was quiet a little longer. Noah watched his face change as he tried for the next phrase.
“I was never committed to anyone before.”
“You were committed to Kirk.”
“That’s what I meant. Before him, I never understood commitment.”
Noah turned and lay on his back.
“You have three children,” he whispered.
“Yes. And one Kirk. And you have one James.”
“He’s gone.”
Paul lay on his side.
“You can get him back,” he said.
“When I see the way Tom has always looked at Fenn… Even though he loves Lee… I know.”
For a long time they lay like that, Paul’s chest pressed into Noah’s back, his face touching Noah’s cheek.
“I know you love me, and I know I love you… and maybe that will never change. But can you tell me,” Paul continued, “that if you never saw James Lewis again you would be alright?”
Suddenly, with a great sucking heave, Noah bowed his head into his chest, pulled his knees to his stomach and began to cry.
“But I love you,” he began.
“I know,” Paul embraced him.
“And I love him. That’s it. I do,” Noah wept so hard it allowed Paul to shed silent tears. His face was hot with them.
“I don’t know what to do,” he wept.
“You love me, you love him. He’s your husband. I’m not.” Noah’s weeping died down, and then he turned around and said, “But you and Kirk?”
“We need to come together again. We drifted so far apart we need to meet again.”
Noah sat up in bed, sniffling, and nodding.
“Do you think it will work?” he said, taking the back of his hand across his face.
Paul shook his head. He began to laugh and cry at the same time. Noah held him. He knew that they would end up making love again, and that this was not going to change Paul’s answer.
Paul said: “I think I have to try.”
Layla Lawden reflected that it had been an age since she’d set foot in Saint Barbara’s. But then that didn’t make her very different from most of the people in here, including her great-grandmother, whose actual church affiliation was indefinite.
Will squeezed her hand, and she stroked the wings of his slightly long hair. She thought of how she would never leave his side, how they were better than married and stronger than most relationships she’d seen despite everything. Behind her was Sheridan with his Logan. Good luck on that, and, my God, how many gay folks could there be in this church! There was Chay and Casey Williams.
“They look right together. Don’t they?” Will whispered. Layla looked at the two men, one in his early thirties, blond
and slight, the other in his early twenties, dark haired and smaller still, both in suits. Layla discovered, “Yes.”
Dan Malloy and Keith McDonald came in from Michigan, and Barb Affren came with Milo and Bill, Dena and Nell.
“What the hell’s going on with Meredith and Mathan?” Claire asked as she and Julian sat down beside Layla, behind Dena.
“What’s going on is a baby bump,” Barb Affren said. “I found that girl’s pregnancy test.”
“Good God!” Bill muttered.
“Billy,” his mother swatted him on the head, “we’re in a sacred place.
“But,” Barb continued, “I want to know about that.” She pointed to where Paul and Noah were coming in together.
“Oh, my,” Dena said.
“That,” Claire said, “has a sad story all around it, but I think it will be a happy ending.”
Laurel had arrived with Alex beside her, and Dylan and Ruthven were with them, a party of four, a little rushed and tired.
“This is Alex. Shake his hand,” Laurel commanded.
As they all did, she took off her coat, and said, “take this, one of you, I’ve got to get up to the balcony.”
“I’ve never heard her sing,” Alex said.
“Well, she’s great,” Dylan told him, brandishing the case he carried. “Especially with my trumpet.”
He headed after his cousin and in a few moments, in place of the expected organ, Dylan’s trumpet trilled over the congregation, blowing them all into silence. Above Dylan’s music, Laurel sang:
Why
feel discouraged, why
should the shadows come,
Why
should my heart be lonely,
and long for heav’n and home?
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He: His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me; His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Fenn heard his mother singing, and joined her.
I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Layla heard her family sing and joined in with her grandmother. Behind her were Lee and Mathan and then, as quite a surprise, Kenny and as more of a surprise, a surprise that made tears come to her eyes, the tall, earnest form of Brendan Miller.
“So… you’re here to stay?” Kenny said.
“Yes,” said Brendan. They were all gathered in Todd and Fenn’s living room.
“Why?”
“Because this is home.” Brendan spoke as if this was obvious. “Because I can work normal hours instead of losing myself. Because everyone I love is here.
“Because you are here, Kenneth,” he touched the red haired man’s arm. “Because I did betray you and leave you in the lurch and… I really can’t do this without you. All I am is shit without you. I forgot that. So now I’m back.”
Kenny looked truly worked up. He clinched his jaws and shook his head.
“I got something going on right now. I don’t know if you realized that.”
Brendan looked over to Chad, who was talking to Bryant, and said, “I think he’ll understand.”
Kenny didn’t say anything for a while. When he finally did, it was, “Goddamnit, Brendan.”
“You don’t want to melt to me right now, it’s okay. I’ll give it time. As much time as you need. But,” Brendan said as he was walking off, “you gotta remember, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Bren!”
“Yes?” Bren turned around with a mischievous look on his face.
“Call me tonight.”
“Alright,” Brendan said, smiling triumphantly.
“Bastard,” Kenny added.
WHEN WE RETURN, IT WILL BE WITH THE CLOSE OF THE LOVERS IN ROSSFORD
