THE NEXT MORNING Dan announced, “I’ve got some free time today, so we could spend it looking around the monastery.”
He knew Fenn well enough not to knock on his door until after nine, and Fenn said, “Let me get dressed, and then I’ll be down in about a half hour.”
“All the good breakfast will be gone.”
“Will there be coffee?”
“I think there’s always coffee.”
“Well, I’ve got the cigarettes, so that makes a balanced meal.”
Dan opened his mouth, probably to say that cigarettes were not part of a balanced breakfast. But in the end he left alone.
After Fenn had the breakfast he’d promised himself, he let Dan walk him around the church. The door that had been closed during Vespers was open so they could walk over the floor and past the stalls.
“Part of me thinks it would be nice to be a monk.”
“If I was a monk I would be a Buddhist,” Fenn said.
Dan looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Or a Hindu, really. I don’t know if they have Hindu monasteries, but I love the Bhagavad Gita.”
“I think we read some of that in college.”
“If I did you did,” Fenn said. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Sure,” but Dan sounded as if he wasn’t sure he was ready for Fenn’s secrets.
“Jesus bores me.”
“Fenn!”
“He does,” Fenn said. “If I could stop being Catholic I would. He’s all… dead. On that cross. All the saints are so sad. Everyone’s so sad.”
“The sins of the world hurt the heart of Jesus.”
“Don’t you think Jesus should get a stronger heart?” Fenn said. “Seriously. Him crying about every little grievance. No, Jesus hardly ever does it for me. I still go to church, but can I tell you another secret?”
“I almost wish you wouldn’t.”
“I don’t see Jesus. I remember this beautiful, beautiful painting of Krishna. He’s so handsome. And blue. That’s who I’m really talking to.”
The whole time Fenn was speaking, Dan looked at him askance, his mouth half open in a look that said, “What the fuck are you?”
But, instead, Dan just said, “Why are you saying all of this?”
“Because it’s true.”
Dan jammed his hands in his pockets and shook his head.
“Com’ on,” he said, “I’m gonna show you the Stations of the Cross.”
Each station was done in concrete, and life sized, going up and down a hill that overlooked the monastery. At the base of it was the lake, and this is where Fenn really wished to go. He wanted to go see the town. Over each station, Dan lingered with loving care, his face full of sorrow at the crown of thorns placed on the head of Jesus. He nearly wept at the Lord stumbling.
“Look at how he loves us,” he murmured as Veronica wiped Jesus’ face. Every step toward Calvary seemed slower and slower. Fenn longed for the other side of the hill and the lake. Why had he come here?
“That’s it, Fenn,” Dan said, pointing to the crucifix at the top of the hill.
“That, there, is the greatest love story ever.”
“I think the greatest love story is the lake,” Fenn said and, having lost all patience, he went past the crucifix and hurtled down the hill toward the water.
He was sitting at the edge of the beach, and because it was warmer than usual, he had taken his shoes off when Dan finally came toward him.
“I think that’s why I asked you to come,” Dan said.
“Because I like the beach better than looking at crucifixes? I would have been a priest if I could be a priest to the God of nature.”
“Well, our God tells us to curb our natures.”
“Your God, maybe. And I am sorry for that. If we had a God the Mother—”
“We have Mary.”
“That’s hardly the same. Flat chested Virgins are hardly mothers and scarcely God.”
“That’s too much!” Dan said, his voice a little heated.
“Why is it too much? Every true thing I say, every opinion I have, you act like I insulted your own mother. And speaking of mothers: God the Mother.”
“That’s just silly.”
“Why is it silly? It’s not silly. It’s terrifying to a priesthood that hamstrings women—and men for that matter—every way it can.”
“So now my job is evil?”
“It’s not your job. Not yet. And you can’t deny there isn’t something a little wrong about it. Women would fix that. And not just a token woman. A woman pope.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“I can’t figure out if you hate women or fear them.”
“Neither. Women are a reflection of the Blessed Virgin.”
“But men are a reflection of God?”
“Yes.”
Fenn threw his head back and laughed.
“Why are you laughing?” Dan shouted, suddenly. “Why do you come here and have no respect for anything? The priesthood was given to Peter and the disciples and passed down to the bishops and from them it will pass to me. Men are in the image of Christ and because of that we will do the Mass. We will make Christ on earth! The body and blood of Jesus, constantly renewed keeps the world spinning.”
“Imagine that,” Fenn said drily, “all of those priest who taught me biology, geology and general science said it was gravity. The whole time they were holding out on me.”
Then Fenn added, “A woman would never say that.”
“A man is made in the image of Christ.”
“And the image of Christ is,” Fenn began, “not to be wise, not to be kind, not to be compassionate. Not even to be Jewish, but… to have a penis? And a penis you don’t even use and are half embarrassed about.”
Dan had gone apoplectic and said, “Maybe you’re just upset because you don’t have it in you to do what I am doing.”
“Oh, don’t be stupid,” Fenn said, witheringly, turning to look back at the lake, “An idiot could do what you’re doing and many idiots have. You’re just the latest one. I’m not a priest because I have no taste for this God. My God is a God of nature. You met him when you were still with me, though you choose to forget. You know all about that God. He terrifies you. I am his priest. I always will be.
“What happened to you?” Fenn said, turning back to Dan, “And when did you become so silly that bullshit shat out by stupid priests could flatter your ears and turn your head?”
Fenn stood up.
“You’re nuts. You were half nuts before, but now you’re all the way there. Let’s go back to the monastery. I’m tired of this. I leave in the morning.”
Fed up, Fenn began to walk across the beach and head left of the hill, refusing to go back up to Calvary.
Face stony, the waves crashing behind him, Dan Malloy followed
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