“That’s just fucking unbelievable,” Todd said when they pulled up in front of the house.
Fenn turned to him and Todd said, “I’ll shut up now.”
Fenn kissed Todd on the cheek and said, “Wait out here.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” Fenn said.
What was unbelievable was that the lights were on in the house. What was unbelievable was that should Fenn happen to leave the apartment and want to go look in the house he would find Tom there. Tom’s lie was so flimsy. That was what was unbelievable.
But then maybe the truth was that Tom was here to put some finishing touches on the house. He was here to surprise him. What he really wanted was—
But no.
Tom’s car rested in front of the house, but as he came closer, the kitchen light shone on the red hood of Bryant Babcock’s Mazda.
The door to the house was not even locked. He just went right in. He just went right up the stairs. He knew what sex sounded like. He’d heard it before. He went past the master bedroom. It was still empty. He went to the one across the hall, the one that would be a guest room. The door was open. He walked right in. He just stood there.
Objectively, they were two beautiful men, dark haired and tousled in the midst of love’s embrace, now looking ashamed and frightened. Time stopped. Nothing was happening. No Todd outside, nothing beyond the tableau.
And then, in a blind rage, Fenn hopped across the bed onto Bryant. There were a few moments when Tom tried to intervene. Fenn just hit him too. It was such a white, methodic rage, burned through in a moment Fenn could not remember clearly, did not wish to. In the end he dragged Bryant bodily down the stairs and out of the house. Tom sat naked on the edge of the bed. Then he went between scrambling for the dignity of putting back on his clothes, and creating an explanation, mouth opening, and closing, lips flapping. Outside they could hear the squeal of Bryant’s car.
“You get out too,” Fenn said, calmly. “Get the fuck out.”
Tom did get the fuck out. He didn’t know where he was going. Surely not to their apartment. It hardly mattered. Fenn stood in the empty kitchen for some time. The refrigerator in the corner hummed at him sarcastically, and he picked up a plate and threw the dish at it.
Just then Todd came in.
“Let’s go,” Todd told him.
“Where?” said Fenn. “I don’t want to go back home.”
“We won’t go back to the apartment,” Todd told him. “Just...”
Todd held out his hand. Fenn took it and then, shutting off the light and locking the door, they left. They went to Todd’s car and Todd said, “Where does Bryant live?”
So they drove across town and when Fenn asked, “Why are we here?” Todd only said, “There it is.”
He got out of the car. He was in shorts despite the weather and while Fenn sat in the car wondering what Todd, who was standing at one of the open windows, was up to, he suddenly realized:
“Todd’s pissing in the car.”
After the boy rang himself Fenn was certain of this, and then Todd took out his keys and ran them alongside the car before, with a sort of expert precision he knocked a window out.
Satisfied, but not even really smug about it, Todd returned to the car and got in.
“And you don’t even have to worry. I’ll totally take the rap for it.
“Whaddo you want to do now? You wanna just drive?”
“Yes,” Fenn said. “I think I’d like that.”
They drove past the West Side toward the airport where houses gave way to country and then they went further.
“I should have known,” Fenn admitted. “I ought to have suspected something. A little.”
“You’re not a suspicious person.”
“But I’m not a stupid person either.”
Fenn made a long, shuddering sigh.
“Oh,” he said, at last. “The truth is it’s over. I’ve been trying to find a way for it not to be over, but…”
Fenn didn’t say anything for a long time, and then he said, “Be a friend and pull over a moment.”
Todd nodded. He set his taillights on and parked.
Fenn got up and went into the country by the road. There was a little defile, and then he went into the bushes. Such a long time since this had happened. But he knew it was about to happen, that some block in him had been holding it off. He put his face in his hands now. How surprising. He’d expected the tears to take longer in coming. They unscrewed in one painful burst and were quickly gone. He waited for more. He sat in the bushes, waiting and waiting. Please don’t let Todd call out. Please don’t let him ask if I’m okay.
Fenn got up and came out, wiping his face with the back of his hand.
“I’m alright,” he discovered. “And not alright in that, I’m going to cry in another five minutes. I’m alright,” he told Todd. “And I’ve done with crying. I’m not going to be crying again.”
“What do you want to do now?”
“I’m tired,” Fenn said. “And I’m overwhelmed. Really, I’d like to go home.”
Todd nodded and they got back in the car.
“I want an ice cream cone,” Todd said when they were on the Dorr Street Strip and back in civilization.
“I could be happy with that too,” said Fenn.
“My treat?”
“No, no. I’ve been cheated on, not impoverished.”
Fenn got a Blizzard. In the end, Todd did too. They sat in the parking lot of the Dairy Queen eating them and watching the cars pass by. Todd stopped to look at Fenn. Fenn looked at him.
“Tom’s a fool. I’ve always thought that. How could anyone cheat on you?”
Fenn laughed a little and said, “Well, someone found a way.”
“I think you’re adorable.”
“Well, I’m not fine,” Fenn said. “I’ll take adorable.”
Todd just kept looking at him. Fenn knew the look and he waited and then Todd put his ice cream on the dashboard and leant down to kiss him. It felt so good, his hands in Todd’s hair, the soft firmness of his lips. Fenn ran his hands under his shirt. Todd had always been off limits. Well, in the last decade all men but Tom had been off limits. Todd was stronger than Tom, and he was young, and Todd moved out of his seat and shoved himself against Fenn with urgency. He was a good kisser. He was full of passion, but skill too, and his head, held between Fenn’s hands, all that lovely dark hair, was so wonderful.
Todd would have fucked him in this car. He sort of wanted him to.
Fenn pushed away, but only a little. He let Todd pinion his arms and kiss his throat and then he said, “Enough.”
It was hardly a word because he hardly wanted to be heard.
“Enough,” he said again, this time gathering strength and sense.
Todd blinked. His hair was tousled. To his credit, the gangly boy with the clean shaven face and his two stud earrings didn’t ask why. He just nodded and climbed off of Fenn.
“This would be nothing but wrong,” Fenn said, breathing heavily and sitting upright.
“What about us going out?”
“I just ended my life with Tom.”
Todd was quiet a while and then he said, “That was very shitty of me. I’m so sorry. I really am.”
Fenn shook his head and put his seatbelt back on.
“If I have to fall in bed with someone when I’m on the rebound—it’s not going to be you.”
“Why not?”
Then Todd said, “Is it because I told you about Kevin?”
“No!” Fenn said. And then he discovered, “Yes. Yes it is.”
Todd waited to be offended, but Fenn said, “You don’t get it.”
“Well, then explain it.” Todd’s voice was a little heated.
“Kevin did something wrong. Because how he felt about you. Well, I feel strongly about you too. I don’t want to do something wrong—”
“I was a kid. I’m not—”
“I’m almost thirty and you’re not even out of college.
“No. I won’t do it. I—”
“You’re doing this for me?”
“Yes,” Fenn said. “It’s exactly for you. I’m certainly not doing it for me. Well, a little, I am. I can’t date you. I can’t sleep with you.”
Todd put his key in the ignition. They pulled back onto Dorr and began driving to the apartment.
“Fenn, is the reason you won’t be with me because Nell is my sister?”
“That’s something to do with it. I washed you in the kitchen sink and changed your diapers.”
“Well, when we get old, the shoe’ll be on the other foot, so what’s the difference?”
“Nicely played,” Fenn said. “But I’m still not dating you.”
When they reached the apartment, both Todd and Fenn were surprised to see everyone there.
“You’re alive,” Adele said, wrapping her arms around him.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Fenn pushed his sister away while Nell was hugging Todd now. Todd looked at Fenn ruefully, and Fenn said, “Did you think I’d kill myself over Tom Mesda?”
“He came here,” Adele said. “He scrambled over here looking… Oh, he looked so scared and… You hit him!”
“I must have,” Fenn said, really not remembering.
“He has a big black eye. I’ve never seen anyone look so… ashamed,” Adele continued. “He just looked at us all, and then turned around and left.”
“Where did he go?” Todd said.
Adele shook her head. “I don’t know.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Fenn said in a hard voice, because he thought he knew exactly where Tom had gone.
“But, Fenn,” Tara asked him, “where do we go? I mean tomorrow? Where do you go? It was supposed to be moving day.”
“We go to 4848 Versailles Street,” Fenn said, gravely.
“Tom is gone. That’s that. It’s over. It was so over I knew it when I’d finished drying my tears.
“Go to bed, or stay here, but let’s get some sleep. When I woke up this morning, tomorrow morning—which is only a half hour away—was supposed to be moving day. It still will be.”
