I AM THE RESURRECTION
I am the life
If you believe in me
Even though you die,
You will live forever
It came home to Logan that he was not really Catholic. His mother was Catholic. He was a little Catholic. He liked churches, but this was not his place. Not that this was about him. It wasn’t about him at all. He was just here because people he knew were vaguely connected to this woman, and Jonathan was with him because he didn’t want to be anywhere else. Also because Logan didn’t wish to be alone.
And I will raise you up
And I will raise you up
And I will raise you up on the last day!
Three of Barb Affren’s sons and three of her grandsons were her pall bearers. Following them came Milo and Bill, some people Logan did not know, a woman he had never met. And then there came two priests. They weren’t Catholics, and they hadn’t done the Mass. Logan knew the dark haired one. He didn’t even laugh about it anymore. He had been Bick Throbbing. The sweet looking blondish one had been a priest here a long time ago. Logan had heard they were lovers.
The church was crowded, the mass dignified. It wasn’t like the funerals he’d been to that were too long, or too trite. Logan wished he were in better with God, or deeper in with a group that was in with God. And now they were at the communion line. There was something heavy on Logan. It was like a hand weighing him down, and he could not get up and go into the line. He could not go.
Logan looked around and saw that there were some people sitting down, but for the most part everyone was kneeling. Jonathan was kneeling, so he did too. Even Radha was kneeling, and he was pretty sure she wasn’t even a Christian.
Logan wasn’t sure why he did it, but when the singing stopped, and church was filled with the sound of music, when only a few stragglers remained for communion, Logan unfolded his hands and quickly reached between Jonathan’s legs. Jonathan made a small noise, but while the priests began to clean up the altar, or do whatever they did, suddenly, Logan cupped Jonathan. He didn’t look at him. He didn’t want eye contact. He just began to stroke Jonathan, feeling him harden.
At the altar, the priest genuflected, and everyone began to rise. Logan pulled on Jonathan a little longer, and then stopped as they both stood. He looked at Jonathan, and Jonathan’s handsome face was confused. He put his hands to his front. Logan looked to the long casket on the floor before the altar. A censer was on it and sweet smoke was wafting up from it. This was death, a corpse in a beautiful box. When they sat back down, Logan slipped his hand under Jonathan. His ass felt so nice. Jonathan turned to him, his face almost afraid. Logan stopped his hand from moving, but he didn’t pull it away. He wanted the warmth. He wanted to put his hands in Jonathan’s pants again, to make him feel something while he felt something. The priest must have said something, because now everyone was rising again. They rose too. Logan wanted to feel alive. He needed to be away from death.
It was easy to leave church because no one knew them really. Everyone was involved in talking to each other, and Logan said, “I just need to get out of here.”
“Logan!”
“Shit,” Logan swore. Jonathan looked at him, still confused.
Sheridan ran across the parking lot.
“Thanks for being here, and thanks for bringing Chay.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Jonathan,” Sheridan shook his hand warmly. “It’s good to see you again. The family’s having a repast, and if you want to join us—”
“Sheridan,” Logan said, “I honestly don’t think we could-”
“We would love to,” Jonathan interrupted. “Thank you.”
“Oh,” Sheridan nodded. “Alright. Well, you guys better get out before the procession to the cemetery. Unless you wanted to go to that?”
“No,” Logan said, honestly, “we don’t.”
“But we can go get something if you need it?” Jonathan said. Logan was looking at him.
“Uh,” Sheridan searched between his two hands. “Ice is always good.”
“We can do that.”
“And on a strictly selfish point, I would be eternally grateful if you picked up some animal crackers for Rafe.”
“Animal crackers,” Jonathan said. “We can do that.”
“When my great grandmother died we all sat around the house in white,” Radha said. “Lots of Indians, lots of incense, lots of aarti fires.”
“White?” Dena said.
Radha, who was in a black skirt and a black blazer nodded.
“White is the color of death for Hindus.”
“I thought your family was Christian,” Meredith said.
“My parents. And my grandmother when she came to America. But not my great-grandmother. She was really, really Hindu. Grandma put the fear of Jesus into my dad, but Great-Grandma put the fear of Vishnu into her.
“I remember,” Radha mused, “once when Great Grandma came to visit, Grandma ran around her house hiding all of the crosses and all of the Bibles. When Mata Sanalini died, the Catholic Hatangadis, the Protestant ones, the Buddhists and the whatever all had to sit on the floor in white in front of a statue of Ganesh.”
“When do you head back to Aurora?” Dena asked.
“I’m staying with Layla, then I’m going back in the morning.”
“You could have stayed with us,” Dena protested.
Meredith laughed.
“What?” Dena said.
“You have three very lively children,” Meredith said. “Radha shouldn’t stay with either one of us.”
“Layla might be having another.”
“Layla might be having another what?”
They all turned around to see Layla.
“Is it true you’re having another kid?”
“It’s true Will’s brought it up. Which isn’t the same thing. And has anyone seen Liam?”
Dena nodded. “He’s off with Riley and Thackeray.”
“I left my monsters with Chay,” Meredith said, rising to indicate she was leaving the company of women. “He didn’t come here just to babysit.”
“And the children are almost bigger than him anyway,” Radha added.
“Well, now you’ve met Milo,” Kenny was saying.
“Yes,” Jonathan told him.
“And did you meet Dena yet?”
“Who is she?”
“Over there. Right there.”
“The pretty dark haired one.”
“Right. That’s Milo’s wife.”
“Who’s going to live in this house now?” Jonathan asked Kenny.
Kenny shrugged.
“Maybe it’s in the will. Barb Affren had so many relatives, but I don’t think the ones who live in Rossford really need a house.”
“You know what this reminds me of?” Jonathan said, suddenly.
“Hum?”
“Hobbits.”
Kenny snorted and looked at him.
“What the? How do you get to…?”
“The socialization,” Jonathan shrugged. “Actually, that’s about it. And you know what? The only reason I read the Lord of the Rings was for the first chapter. Bilbo’s party.”
“His eleventy-first?”
“You did read it! Or was that in the movie?”
“No, my uncle used to read it to me. He read the whole thing. I used to have him read parts of it over and over again. Especially when old Gandalf is trapped up there on Orthanc and Saruman’s going on and on. Yeah.”
“‘I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like,’” Jonathan began.
“‘And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.’” Kenny concluded, grinning.
Logan was suddenly standing beside them.
“Where’ve you been?” Kenny asked him.
“I was just talking to Chay and Sheridan. Jonathan, can I see you for a minute?”
Jonathan looked to Kenny, and Kenny said, “I’ll be right here. Or somewhere close by.”
Jonathan nodded, and followed Logan through the house.
“Jonathan!” Logan looked a little annoyed as Brendan greeted Jonathan, interrupting their progress.
“Hey, Bren.”
“I saw you with Kenny,” Brendan said. “You all friends now?”
“Uh, I hope so,” Jonathan said, at a loss in the face of Brendan’s noseyness.
“We’ll be back,” Logan told Brendan, and pulled Jonathan down the hall.
“Logan,” Jonathan wondered, “what’s going on?”
“Are you in love with me?” Logan said.
“I don’t… I…. don’t really know.”
“I think you like Kenny.”
“I do.”
“But I think you want to fuck me.”
Jonathan said nothing.
“Jonathan, I’m going to fuck you, alright?”
“Uh…” Jonathan felt very slow right now, like so much was happening to him so fast.
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“Alright,” he said.
“Great,” Logan said. “We’re gonna make that happen.”
Frantically, Logan opened a door near the kitchen, but it was a pantry. A very big pantry, but a pantry nonetheless.
“Hi,” one of the family said, “you need anything? You’re the ones who brought the ice. I’m Maisy,” she came forward offering her hand.
“Logan,” Logan shook the hand, looking strange and nervous. “We just wanted a bathroom.”
“Well,” Maisy said, confidentially. “This was a house where two people raised seven kids, so there is actually a bathroom down in the basement. I’d tell you the history, but when you gotta go you gotta go.”
“Thank you,” Logan told her, opening the door and pulling a somewhat bewildered Jonathan behind him.
“Scuse me Aunt Maisy,” Meredith said, bumping into Maisy in the kitchen.
“Don’t tell me you’re off to the bathroom too?”
Meredith looked at her aunt quizzically, and then said, “I was looking for my children.”
“They’re riding on Chay’s back,” Sheridan reported, suddenly in the kitchen. “Anybody seen Logan?”
“If Logan’s that good looking blond guy,” Maisy said, “nature called. Nature called him and your other friend?”
“Other friend.”
“Brown hair,” Maisy shrugged, and then went back out into the living room.
“Chay?” Meredith reminded Sheridan.
“Oh, he’s being what my grandfather used to call a play-pretty for the kids. I hope he has kids one day.”
“Everyone doesn’t love kids.”
“I think he would. I think Casey would too. For so long me and Chay couldn’t be friends. Cause what I did. But look at him now. He’s got my Rafe in his arms. He is officially a play-pretty.”
“I have never heard that expression,” Meredith said as they went to the sun porch.
“When me and Will would crawl up on him or try to play games, Grandad would say, ‘I’m not your play pretty.’”
“He sounds folksy.”
Sheridan shook his head.
“He was a mean old fuck, actually.”
“I feel,” Brendan began as he walked across the room and sat down on the sofa between Milo and Kenny, “like I might be a little, itty, bitty drunk.”
“The way your legs wobbled?” Milo said. “Man, you’re totally drunk.”
“You’re living the writing life,” Will told him.
Brendan collapsed between them, and with a goofy smile on his face he shrugged.
“I never drink!”
“It’s true,” Kenny told them. “He never did. And the boy’s a rail.”
“I am not a rail!” Brendan protested, and almost knocked a drink over. “Sheridan says I’m lean and toned.”
Milo burst out laughing.
“Is it true, Ken?” he asked him. “Is Bren really lean and toned?”
“I guess. He was when we were together. I don’t know what’s going on under that shirt now.”
“William,” Milo said seriously, “how does it feel to picture your best friend and your brother in coitus?”
“Yuck!” Brendan said. “You just said coitus!”
“You are really drunk,” Kenny observed from the edge of the couch.
Maisy Baird came into the small parlor and said, “Oh, my God, you are drunk!”
“I’m sorry, Maisy,” Brendan said.
She threw back her head and barked. “Hell, that’s what a repast is all about! Mom would love seeing you this fucked up. I’m gonna fix you another.”
Maisy headed out of the room and Milo said, “But, Dr. William, my friend, as I was saying…”
Will clapped his hands on Brendan’s shoulders and said, “We’ve had this discussion already, and nothing makes me happier than the idea of my Brendan and my Sheridan making sweet love all through the night.”
“I’m going to throw up,” Brendan said.
“So am I,” Kenny swatted Will on the head, and then Milo.
“The only reason you say that shit is to gross him out,” Milo laughed.
Then Milo said, “Guys, seriously.”
“Yes?” they all said, turning toward him, Brendan a little woozily because he had shaken his head too fast.
“I’m going to be serious here.”
“As implied by the phrase, ‘Guys, seriously.’”
“No one likes a smart ass, Will.
“What I was going to say is that you guys are my very best friends. Even you, Bren.”
Bren frowned at him.
“Brendan, I’m just fucking with you. I don’t think I ever tell you how much—”
They all looked up at the new entrant to the room.
“Maggie!” Milo said.
“I was just coming to see if you were alright, but you all look fine to me, so I’m going to head on out.”
“Sit a spell,” Milo gestured to an empty chair.
“Sit! Sit!” the men chorused, and Maggie shrugged, then said, “fuck it,” sitting down in the chair.
“Sit and watch this beautiful friendship,” Milo continued. “See how much we love each other. See how much—”
“I need to talk to you,” Brendan frowned and pointed at Kenny.
“Alright?” Kenny looked at the drunk man.
“You guys are funny as shit,” Maggie said.
“Right now,” Brendan continued.
“Right now?” Kenny said. “At this very minute.”
“Yes, goddamnit!” Brendan said drunkenly.
“Kenny,” Maggie turned to him, “I think you better do what the man says.”
Kenny shrugged and stood up. He held a hand out to Brendan and pulled the thin man up, walking him out of the parlor.
“Brendan, what is it that just couldn’t wait?”
“I love you,” Brendan said.
“You’re… really nuts.”
“No,” Brendan said, flinging his arms heavily around Kenny’s neck and stroking his hair. “I love you and that’s why you have to hear this.”
“This isn’t going to be some weird drunk confession that break’s Sheridan’s heart?”
“This will be the most undrunk thing I’ve said all day.”
Brendan parted from him. He startled Kenny by slapping his own face.
“There,” Brendan said while Kenny was still staring at him. “That sobered me up. Now listen:
“You are the love of my youth,” Brendan said. “And one of the two loves of my life. I’m letting you go.”
“Letting me—”
“In my heart I never let you go. In my heart I was selfish. But you are my best friend. You’re my friend. I love you. I want you to have what I have. That Jonathan… The way that kid looks at you… Quit being dumb. Go to him.”
“Bren.”
“Don’t Bren me, Kenny. Go get that guy.”
“Maybe…”
“Maybe what?”
“Maybe we don’t all have to have what you have. Maybe just because as soon as we broke up you were with Sheridan, it doesn’t mean I have to have someone too. Had you thought about that?”
Brendan crossed his arms over his shoulders like a mummy. He did seem to be thinking about that, and then he said, “You know what I think, Kenny?”
“Hum?”
“I think that’s bullshit.”
