An Olive Branch I Didn’t Accept
I opened my eyes to the sound of a ringing alarm clock. My head felt like the brass bell was clanging inside of it. I flung my arm out to silence the incessant sound but only managed to knock the clock from the end table onto the floor. I sat up and held my hands over my ears until the alarm spring wound down and the bell stopped ringing.
I opened my eyes and was thankful for the darkness of the room. My head was splitting and most of my body hurt. Mixed up memories from the night before flashed in my mind like images from a vacation slideshow from hell. I remembered arguing with Walt. Beyond that, everything was a blur of pain.
Dull aches in my arms, my shoulders, and my right foot reminded me that I’d beaten up a trashcan. Burning pain in my chest and stomach reminded me that I’d heaved my guts in the alley. Blinding pain in my head reminded me that I’d gotten drunk.
I felt for my cigarettes but only found a book of matches in my shirt pocket. I checked the end table. There was a full ashtray with an empty crumpled pack next to it. I took a deep breath and had a coughing fit which told me I’d smoked the whole pack before I passed out. I arranged my feet to get ready to stand and felt my right foot hit against something. Whatever the object was tipped over and fell against the floor with a hollow thunk. I peered over the edge of the chesterfield to see the glint of my gin bottle. I picked it up and found it light enough to be empty.
“No wonder my head aches.” I said to the air. I shook the bottle in the hopes I would hear something inside it. I desperately wanted to believe I hadn’t consumed the whole thing in one sitting. A little fluid rattled inside the glass. I tried to look down the neck of the bottle to judge its contents, but that turned out to be a severe mistake. The antiseptic smell of the cheap gin assaulted my nose and made me gag.
I put the bottle on the end table next to the full ashtray and took stock of myself. I was still alive and in one piece. Those facts meant I had to endure the day, no matter what it brought. I thought hard and remembered I had an appointment with David for seven in the morning. The living room was dark, and the window shades were drawn, so I had no idea what time it was.
I slid along the sofa until my hip met the arm which was nearest the end table. I felt around on the floor until my hand closed on the alarm clock. I brought the clockface to my eyes and squinted until my vision focused. The clock said the time was a little before six.
“Alright.” I said to the clock. “Time enough to get pulled together.”
I heaved myself from the sofa and had to pause to wait for my head to stop throbbing. When it did, I tried to take a step forward. Something which was made of cloth gathered around my feet and arrested my progress. I snatched up the offending fabric and discovered it was a blanket I’d kicked off in the night.
I knew I hadn’t covered myself. I was also certain I hadn’t set an alarm. “An olive branch from Walt.” I said as I realized the source of both. I tossed the blanket onto the sofa. “Not enough. Not nearly enough after the shit you pulled last night.”
I stumbled to the bathroom. I stood at the sink and grasped the chain which operated the light over the medicine cabinet. I shut my eyes and jerked the chain to light the light. I saw the light come on through my closed eyelids. I waited for a moment to prepare myself, then opened my eyes.
The light stabbed my vision and split my head at the same time. I shut my eyes and held onto the sink to wait for the pain to pass. I opened my eyes again and raised them slowly toward the light. The second time was easier than the first. The light was still offensive, but I was able to look at my image in the glass.
“You haven’t looked this bad in a long damn time.” I said to my reflection. My hair was filthy and matted with the sweat of getting drunk. My face was streaked with dirt. My shirt was torn and dirty and spattered with vomit. The knees of my pants were full of little tears from kneeling on the coarse alley pavement. My eyes were red and bloodshot. I looked like a drunken derelict.
As I surveyed the damage, my stomach churned and tied itself in tight knots. I closed my eyes again and rested my forehead against the cool glass of the medicine cabinet mirror. I held my crawling guts and muttered to the pain. “Please, Peter,” I begged, “not today. I’ve got too much to do.”
As if to answer me in the negative, my stomach lurched, and my body heaved. The green taste of bile filled my mouth. I spat it in the sink and rinsed it down. The sour odor attacked my sense of smell, and I heaved again.
I held onto the sink until I recovered and looked at myself in the glass. “I guess things are back to the way they were before. Fuck.” I spat in the sink again and stripped for a shower. I balled my discarded clothes and stuffed them into the bathroom wastebasket. I turned the shower on as hot as I could stand and climbed in.
The shower made me feel better, but not much. I drank as much hot water as I could stomach while I cleaned up. I hoped it would help with my recovery. When I was clean, I dried off and left the bathroom to find something to wear. Walt met me when I opened the door.
He and I stared at each other for a moment, each waiting for the other to speak. Walt took the initiative. “Are you alright?” He asked.
“No.” I answered honestly. “But I don’t have time to wait until I’m alright. I’ve got shit to do and you should be asleep.” I moved around Walt and went to the closet to put on fresh clothes.
Walt followed. He loitered behind me while I selected a beige suit with a yellow shirt and a red tie. I backed out of the closet with the clothes over my left arm and my right hand on my troubled stomach. Walt noticed my right hand and asked about it. “Are you hurting?”
I looked down at my stomach and noticed I was holding it. I answered Walt honestly while I moved around him again and started to dress. “Yes, I am. I’m in a great deal of pain.”
“I’m sorry if I made your pain come back.” Walt said to my back. He hovered over me while I put my pants on. “I didn’t mean what I said last night.”
I stood up to button my shirt and tuck it in. “Yeah, you did.” I corrected Walt. “Two things make people tell the truth, booze and anger. You meant every word you said to me. Sorry, but I’m not going to let you apologize this one away.
“Somehow, somewhere along the line, you got the impression that I should be beholden to you. You also seem to have this idea that you’re carrying me. I don’t think those things are true, but maybe they are. I’m going to have to think about both of them. I suggest you think real fucking hard about what you said and why. We’re going to have to have one hell of a talk before we do anything else.”
I looked in the bureau mirror to knot my tie and fix my collar. “I can tell that you’re not ready for a talk yet, and like I said, I don’t have time.”
I shrugged into my jacket and tugged at the lapels to make the shoulders lay right. “I have to go. You should go back to bed.”
Walt strode toward the bedroom door instead of toward the bed. “At least let me make you breakfast.” He said and pulled the door open.
I barked his name to arrest his progress. “WALT!” Walt turned to see what I wanted and found me with my face scrunched because the shout I’d uttered set my head splitting. When the pain dulled, I lowered my tone to say what I had to say. “I can make my own breakfast. I’m pissed, and I’m hurt, but I don’t hate you. I still want you to get your rest and I want your Firestone inspection to go well. Stop trying to half-assed make up to me. Let it rest where it is.”
“Until when?” Walt asked.
“Until you’re yourself again. This Firestone thing has you all fucked up. I’m not myself either, what with David being back and all. Let’s just get through it and then see where we are.”
“Alright.” Walt agreed with a voice which sounded like he didn’t agree. “Give me a kiss before you go.”
“You’ll have to settle for a hug.” I said and embraced Walt’s pajama clad body.
Walt hugged me back and then released me. “You won’t kiss me?” He asked.
“No,” I answered him, “I’m too hurt to kiss you. I’ll still wish you luck and tell you to have a good day, but that’s as far as I can go.”
“Same to you.” Walt said forlornly.
I left the bedroom with Walt still standing inside the door. I felt bad as I closed the door between me and my husband. I didn’t like that I was the cause of the sadness in Walt’s voice. I fortified my resolve by reminding myself of the venom he’d spouted at me the night before. I didn’t want to hurt Walt in a tit-for-tat revenge, but I wasn’t going to forgive him so easily either.
The things Walt said to me needed to be talked out. We needed to be very open and honest for our relationship to survive. No discussion or reconciliation could happen until after Walt was finished with the Firestone inspection. I also decided it would be best if my dealings with David were finished before our talk. We had too many sources of stress between us. We needed to clear them away before we could find each other again.
“One thing at a time.” I said to myself while I searched the living room for the regular contents of my pockets. I didn’t find my wallet or my watch or any of the other stuff I usually carried. I thought about the pants I’d stuffed into the bathroom wastebasket, but I remembered I’d checked the pockets before I took them off. After some more fruitless searching, I remembered the jacket I’d left in the changing room in the restaurant downstairs.
I checked the alarm clock on the end table for the time and saw it was just a few minutes short of seven. I took the spare key for the restaurant from the hall table and headed down to find my jacket and hopefully my wallet and watch.
I opened the street door at the bottom of the stairs. To my surprise I found I was face to face with a man. He looked like he’d been trying to work up the nerve to knock on the door. He peered at me out of heavy-lidded eyes which made him look like he was tired. His eyes reminded me of my father. They also reminded me of me. The man spoke as I stared. “Lawrence, is that you?”
