There was a rapid knocking on the door of his apartment, and then before Tom Mesda could answer it, the lock rattled and in came Fenn.
“Fenn!”
“I need to talk to you.”
“Fenn, I could have been naked or, doing something—”
“Save it, Thomas. Not right now.”
Tom blinked, and going to close the door and examine his lock, said, “All right. What’s up?”
“Okay, well, everything’s taken care of.”
“With?”
“With the money. But the account is in my name. Not mine and Todd’s name, and I tried to explain that. And he went on and on about how he always tries to make us one and I always try to keep us separate and how he wanted the partnership and shit, and the little church wedding—”
“Yeah,” Tom sounded wistful. “That was nice.”
“It was gay.”
“Of course it was gay.”
“That’s not what I mean. And how the house is mine, and we have separate accounts and all of this… crap.”
Tom gave that look that made Fenn say, “What?”
“I mean, look,” Tom said, sitting down and smoothing his trousers, “all I’m saying is… maybe it isn’t crap.”
“What?”
“I mean, maybe you need to hear him out. Or… make a gesture like… putting his name on that account too.”
“Hell, no!”
Tom frowned, “Or… making him co-owner of the house. Maybe letting him pay the rest of the mortgage or… something.”
“No, no, no and no.”
“Did you come here to ask for my help or not?”
“Not,” Fenn said. “I came here to bitch because I’m pissed off.”
“Well… you could… offer him something. You know, like I said, joint bank account. Joint… anything. Heck, maybe even have a kid.”
“Are you stupid?”
“Fenn.”
“I hate kids.”
“You would love your own.”
“No. I wouldn’t. I would not. And… the whole turning his and his into ours. It just complicates shit… If anything happens.”
“Like if you break up.”
“We’re not breaking up. Who the fuck said we were breaking up?”
“You did.”
Fenn looked at him.
“I mean you implied it.”
“I said… anything could happen. I mean, you can’t always be sure.”
Fenn stopped talking. Tom was looking at him the way he hated to be looked at.
“Well, say it,” Fenn said. “Whatever it is.”
Tom nodded and said, “It’s just… when we were together, you loved all that stuff. You were all gushy about the getting married and us having a house together and all of it being our, ours. It was so sweet. I mean, I loved that about you. About us.”
“You didn’t love it enough, did you?”
Tom opened his mouth and then closed it. He nodded.
“That’s fair.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Well,” he murmured, “I hope you don’t fuck your relationship up with Todd just because I fucked up my relationship with you. Don’t let that happen, Fenn.”
“Don’t,” Fenn began. “Don’t ABC After School Special me. You’re right. It changed me, Tom. What you did. All right. I’m over it. I’m not mad anymore. I’m not… anything I was, anymore. I’m not the same. I can’t be the same.”
“Todd is a bigger man than me.”
“He’s certainly a taller one. But, I’m not worried about him cheating on me or me cheating on him. It’s just… What I learned with us is that anything can end. Anything can happen. I still believe that.”
Tom shook his head.
“What?” Fenn said.
“I love you, Fenn. You know that.”
“Yes, I know it. Of course I know it. I’m sure you loved me when… when you were drilling Brian Babcock. You thought you had me, didn’t you? You had convinced yourself that it could never end, and that’s why you took advantage of it. I know you. That’s why you did what you did. But talking about joint bank accounts and… joint this and joint that doesn’t change what I am. What I always was. What you think you turned me into but what I must have been all along.
“I am the person who if you put a toe out of line, I will leave. And in my world what is mine is always mine. I might share it with you. I might give you the security code. But I shared it. I gave it. And it’s mine. I have to… hold onto what is mine, hold onto myself.” Fenn stopped. “That’s the way I’ve always been.”
Tom said nothing.
“That’s part of why we ended,” said Fenn.
“I don’t know about that.”
“I do. I think. It’s part…”
“Fenn, you give Todd everything. That’s the truth.”
Now it was Fenn’s chance to say, “I don’t know about that.
“And even if I do… I could give more. Offer more.” Fenn shrugged. “I could try.”
Before Noah and Paul had come he’d always talked about cleaning out their room out and turning it into an office, the way Todd had an office and the basement to do his movies. But instead he’d kept the living room as his work and rest space. He was there now, lying on the sofa, books open and papers scattered around him when Paul came downstairs.
“Did Todd ever come back?” said Paul.
“Oh, Todd is very much back. He came back quiet and sullen, and I didn’t say much, and now he’s upstairs. I guess pretending to be asleep.”
“Oh,” was all Paul could think to say about that without sounding stupid. He switched the subject.
“Well, you know, I had a chat with Noah.”
“Um hum?” Fenn took his hand from his face and opened on eye.
“He wants to go back down to Florida. He’s thinking about going from Florida to South America. Or something. I don’t know. I’m gonna drive him to the airport Friday morning. Actually, I need Todd’s Land Rover, so I should ask.”
“I can’t imagine him saying no.”
“And then I should get my own car.”
“Well,” Fenn gave a small smile, “you can do that now.”
“And I should look for a place to live.”
“Wait!” Fenn sat up. “You just wait a minute. You have a place to live.”
“What?” Then Paul laughed. “I can’t stay here!”
“Why not?”
“Because… Because I’m imposing.”
“How are you imposing if I’m begging you to stay? Don’t go. What’s the point in your leaving? At least don’t go just yet.”
Paul made a face and said, “I’ll think about it.”
“Well, if you want to leave—”
“No, I don’t want to leave. But I feel like I should. I’ve been on my own since I was eighteen. I… I feel like I might be getting soft. You know…? If I stay here. I want to know I can depend on myself. Not take up other peoples’ space.”
“You know,” Fenn said, “I’ve always heard how important it was to be self reliant and… self made. To be able to depend on yourself. I’ve never had much to say for that, though. No one really does things by himself. Stay.”
Paul grinned, from the corner of his mouth and clapped his hands together.
“Well, when you put it that way…”
“Good,” Fenn stood up. “It’s not that you need a place. It’s that I need you around. Now, I need to go upstairs and talk to Todd.”
“Todd, we need to talk.”
“I’m sleeping.”
“Well wake the fuck up,” Fenn flipped the light on.
Fenn sat on the bed and said, “We never fight. You and I.”
Todd, slowly, sullenly, got up and said, “I know.”
“Let’s not fight now. I’ll put your name on the account tomorrow, all right? And, how about we co-own the house?”
“How? You already bought it.”
“Well, all the mortgage isn’t paid so... we can work out something. Or I can just put your name on the title. Whatever. All right? You were right. I do withhold. Let’s not fight.”
“Now, wait just a minute, Fenn. I’ve been thinking.”
“Oh, God.”
“No, hear me out, okay?”
Fenn nodded.
“What I said tonight. It wasn’t fair. Accept in the money, where I asked you to get rid of it, there isn’t a thing you haven’t done for me if I asked. You thought we were good like we were. I wanted the whole commitment ceremony. You thought we were fine having separate places, I wanted to live with you. Everything I said about you wanting things separate, the thing is… you did want them, and in the end you gave in because you cared enough about me to make me happy. You went through that whole ceremony and… I guess it’s time I grew up. I mean, that’s why I didn’t say anything when I came home. I’ve been thinking. And you coming in here and telling me what you just did made me able to say what I just said.
“It’s yours, keep it. All right? In your name. Do what you said you were going to do.”
“You can use it whenever you want to. It’s just…I liked having my name on it—”
“I get it. Let’s not change anything, right now. Okay?”
Fenn nodded his head.
“Let’s just go to bed.”
“Fenn did something really… dangerous for him.
In the kitchen, Dan Malloy looked at Todd, waiting for him to elaborate.
“He offered to put my name on the house and on his bank account.”
“Well…” Dan said, “I mean, most couple do that.”
“We’re not most couples,” Todd said. He stirred his coffee with a finger and, frowning, said, “I’ve been with Fenn a long time. I’ve known Fenn my whole life. I think he was seeing if I would call his bluff.”
“Oh, com’on,” Dan said. “I would like to think that he was being sincere when he made that offer.”
“He was,” Todd said cautiously. “In his way. I can’t believe Fenn’s opinion changed that quickly in a few hours. I mean, I thought, the man has given me everything every time I’ve asked, and if he gave me this that would essentially mean that anything I asked of Fenn and got angry enough about he would hand over.”
“He would offer it,” Dan said.
“No, he would be handing it over. Which would mean he was whipped, which would mean he’s not Fenn. And I got with Fenn because of who he is. He was testing me.”
Dan frowned and thought, privately, that this made a warped kind of sense and that he was glad to be single. Fenn had confiscated five hundred thousand dollars. It wasn’t like him to give in. For any reason.
“Does that upset you?” Dan said.
“What’s the difference?” Todd said. “He offered. No matter what. Only with someone whipped it would have been caving in, and with Fenn he was just seeing what I was made of. And I saw what he was made of. I…” Todd shook his head and grinned fiercely. He shrugged. “What can I say? We’re not like other couples.”
The bus squealed to a halt outside of the old Western Union with its red lettering and out came Lee Phillips. He pushed the door open and a little bell rang. He crossed the small, ugly tile floor and went to the bullet proof window.
“Lee Phllips,” he spoke into the little disk. “There’s something for me.” He opened his wallet and showed his ID.
“All right, Mr. Philips,” the man at the window said. He returned a few seconds later and said, “Here you go. Have a good day, Mr. Philips.”
“You, too, sir.”
Lee smiled with a southern charm which was all the more amazing because he came form Indiana and, touching his Panama hat, turned and left while he stuffed his wallet in his back pocket and folded the envelope in his hand before sticking both, sharply in his side pocket.
He waited. Fifteen minutes, under the shade of the Western Union for the next bus. Goddamn it was hot here, and when he got on, he rejoiced in the air conditioning and kept his mind on the end of the bus line when it would stop at the hotel.
In dark of the hotel, Lee turned on that air conditioner, stripped, rinsed his face in cold water and then, after drying his hands, took out the envelope and opened it.
For a long time, with a frown, he looked at the money order, mouthing the number of zeros.
“Goddamn,” he said, at last. “Go-oddd-damn.”
