Friday night, Todd sat in the back of the house, yawning and slapping his cheeks while he tried to piece a film together, the scenes turning into variations of blue light glazing over his eyes.
“Do you plan to come to bed?” Fenn had asked a half hour ago.
“Eventually. Yes.” Then Todd said, “Soon.”
He worked like this, exhausted, in a place where absolutely nothing was really getting done, until his eyes hurt and his jaws cracked from yawning. He didn’t want to lie in bed for a long time with Fenn who would ask him questions, tell him how he really didn’t have to go to the party, how Dena was old enough to know the truth anyway. Then Todd would explain that Dena did know and Fenn would say, No. Not really. She thought she knew, but she didn’t really get it. It was all just a strange amusing footnote as to why her parents were divorced.
Something like the set up for a TV show, Fenn had once said. It was an imagined history for the characters, but not one that Dena had actually been apart of.
“She has no concept of what really happened. If she did, things would be very different.”
“And that’s why she won’t have a concept,” Todd had said.
They’d argued about this before.
Todd climbed the stairs to bed. Paul and Noah were out at one of the gay nightclubs in town and, privately, Todd was convinced that they’d be disappointed.
“You’re finally coming to bed!” Fenn said from the darkness of the bedroom.
“I thought you were asleep,” Todd came into the room in the dark, stripping.
“I was,” Fenn said.
“I need a quick shower. I smell like funk and an ashtray.”
“Then you’re right. You do need a shower.”
Todd chuckled, and by the hallway light pulled off his briefs and then went into the bathroom. Fenn listened to the water run for a long while and drifted into half sleep. He awoke to the gravity of Todd’s naked body climbing into the bed, weighing it toward him. Todd turning around and pushing his body into Fenn’s.
“I don’t care anymore,” Todd said after a long yawn.
“About?”
“I didn’t want to see Kevin. I still don’t… But I think I was afraid.”
Fenn nodded. He nodded into Todd’s back.
“I could stab him with a steak knife again.”
Todd turned around so that his forehead was pressed to Fenn’s, and his nose was pressed to Fenn’s nose too.
“Baby, I might take you up on that.”
Fenn grinned and kissed his nose and then they pressed their faces together and Fenn said, “I might do it if you take me up on it or not.”
When Todd was fourteen, and his father recently dead, Nell came back home big and pregnant and with her husband. Kevin Reardon was tall and handsome, had a decent job over at the college, and began to take the place of a father. Or at least an older brother.
Todd loved Kevin’s touch. He loved the way Kevin would rest a hand on his shoulder when talking, or the way they would wrestle, the twinkle in Kevin’s eyes. The sun rose and set above Kevin Reardon, and Todd didn’t have any close friends who were boys. He’d wanted an older brother, someone to show him things. Well Kevin was it.
The Meraden house, the one that had belonged to his grandparents, and that Nell and Dena now lived in, possessed a large study like one of those in the movies with great picture windows looking out onto the soft green grass of the garden. One day he walked in and Kevin was sitting under a huge bookshelf, smoking a pipe.
“Do you know how to do this?” said Kevin.
Todd shook his head.
“Lock the door,” Kevin said.
Todd turned around and did so. A thrill ran up and down him.
“My dad used to,” he said. “Smoke a pipe.”
Kevin nodded, as if he’d known this, maybe he did.
“Come here,” Kevin said.
They sat together, saying nothing. Kevin’s breath in the pipe made a slight whistle, and the smell was smoke and apples.
“To keep the fire going,” Kevin said, “you have to breathe in, and out. In and out. Breathe. Watch my chest.”
Todd watched the blue white smoke. He watched, under the white shirt, Kevin’s chest rise, and fall, rise, and fall.
And then he started, shocked by the new touch.
“Just…. Keep… breathing,” Kevin commanded, gently.
But Todd was wearing thin jogging pants with no underwear and now Kevin’s hands were stroking him, thrust into his pants, making him hard.
“It’s one of those things boys do,” Kevin told him in a gentle voice, his eyes still lowered reflexively as if concentrated on smoking the pipe. “You should have learned this a long time ago.”
It went on a while, and then Kevin put the pipe down again. In a distant place Todd heard it clink against the glass tabletop. Kevin lowered himself from the couch and got down on his knees.
“Todd,” his voice was thin, higher than usual. “I’ve wanted to do this along time. All right?”
And then, while Todd did not move, while his hands gripped the seat, Kevin pulled down his pants, took his penis, and pulled it into his mouth.
“Hey, do you know Kenny McGrath?”
“Not, really,” Dena said, “Why?”
“Well, you know who he is?”
“Yeah. Plays on the Lacrosse team. I think Layla had a semi thing for him but didn’t want to admit it.”
“Because he played Lacrosse?”
“No,” Dena smirked, as if the answer was obvious. “Because he was white.”
Brendan opened his mouth and closed it.
“Well, what about Kenny?”
“I wanted to know if he could come to the party.”
“I guess so. Everyone else is.”
“Oh, cool, because I already told him he could come.”
“Brendan!”
“And like you said, everyone is coming, anyway.”
“That new guy, Milo, will be here.”
“I don’t know him,” Brendan said. “Well, none of us does. You know, cause he’s knew. I’m thinking we ought to ask him to lunch, but he just doesn’t seem like a lunchy type of guy.
“I heard,” Brendan said, “that back home—where he comes from—he stole a car. And that’s why he’s with the Affrens now.”
“Well, I don’t know about all that, but I do know he’ll be at the party this afternoon.
“Bren, I didn’t even know you knew Kenny.”
“We work together. At Martins. Neither one of us can get enough hours. We’ll be to the party after our shift is over.”
“That’s about five, right?”
“No, it’s about seven. I know—” Brendan said, “But I can’t complain. I’ve been complaining about not getting enough hours. And it’s almost summer so the sun’s up longer.”
“True, but this is the first year I’ve had a real boyfriend. It’ll be weird waiting and waiting for him, and then he shows up in a Martins apron.”
“Well, just think about this: me and Kenny’ll be in matching uniforms, and then you can tell everyone you’re dating both of us.”
Dena looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
“You know,” he said, “Ménage a bagboy.”
I USED TO go out to parties
And stand around
'Cause I was too nervous
To really get down
And my body
yearned
to be free
So I got up on the floor and found
Someone to choose me
No more standin' along the side walls…
“How’s my girl?”
“Good, Daddy? It’s a great party.”
“Well,” Kevin hugged her tightly, “nothing but the best sweet seventeen for my Dena.”
“Okay, Dad. Really, it’s supposed to be a sweet sixteen.”
“I know that. I see TV too, believe it or not. But it’s too late for that, so you get a sweet seventeen. Fair enough?”
I'm gonna make romance
With your body,
Ooo baby, you dance all night
Get down and prove it, feel all right….
Dena grinned at her father. “Fair enough.”
“Happy Birthday, Dena,” Fenn said, as he and Todd came near.
“Fenn,” said Kevin. “Todd.”
“Scuse me,” Dena said, suddenly. “Brendan’s here! Bren!” she waved across the crowded lawn.
“You look good, Kevin,” Fenn said. When Dena had gone to greet Brendan and Kenny, he added, “Who are you sleeping with?”
“What?”
“I mean, right now you look so good I’d sleep with you myself if I weren’t already with Stretch over here,” He squeezed a bewildered Todd around the waist.
Kevin tried to smile politely, and pushed up his stylish spectacles.
“Thank you… Fenn.”
“Remember back before I knew which way you swung? Remember all those years ago? At this house? At your wedding when we met and you made that crack.”
“I don’t remember.”
“Oh, Kev, I’m sure there are lots of things you can’t remember, but—”
There was a tap on Fenn’s shoulder.
“Wha? Adele?”
“Fenn, can I talk to you?”
“Yes,” Fenn said. “Give me one second.”
Adele nodded.
“You know, how you went on about the perversities of homosexuality before you turned out to be… well… you know.”
Fenn turned around, “Was that a good one, sis?”
“It was a rough one,” she acknowledged.
“Well, I have to talk to my sister right now,” Fenn told Kevin. “I’m just going to let you sit on that little irony. By the way, Kevin, you really do look fucking delicious.”
Fenn went away with his sister, leaving Todd. The two tall men stood dumbfounded, looking at each other, and then Todd said, “I can’t talk to you. You know that.”
He turned away and left as quickly as possible, bumping into his sister.
“Todd,” Nell tried to get a hold of him.
“How could you?” Todd said, suddenly.
“What?”
“How could you ask for me to be here, and have him here?”
“We talked about this.”
“No” Todd said. “It’s not worse for you. It’s worse for me. You don’t understand anything.”
“Todd—”
He grasped her by the wrists so hard that it hurt her.
“Todd!”
His face went red and then green and white. He shook her.
“No!” he growled.
Then he pushed Nell away, and pushed through the crowd to go back into the house.
