Have you ever wondered if there truly is a light at the end of the tunnel? If you could follow that light to heaven and meet God at those white gates? Or if you’d be stuck in limbo and darkness, screaming for a way out? Or if everything just disappears?
Well… I’d have to say none of that bull shit is true.
Because I found myself back home, in my bedroom, a child again. My brother ran into my room, his two friends behind him– sharing menacing glances as they asked me to join them on the trampoline. Even if I knew how that ended, I joined.
And we climbed onto the elastic, jumped high above the netting, not a care in the world if any of us got hurt.
But in this place, in this… dream– we never got off that trampoline. We jumped and jumped and jumped, laughing and squealing and enjoying our company. There’s something about being a kid, isn’t there? There’s something about having no cares, no responsibility, no debt or disappointment or job to worry about. There’s no family to provide for, no friends to take care of, no classes to stress over. It’s freeing– it’s… bliss.
This bliss could last forever, maybe– maybe I’d spend an entirety here, if I could.
Maybe this is heaven…
But if it is, if this place was my heaven, my final resting place– God had a funny way of showing peace and kindness. As our jumps became leaps and the leaves started to fall, as everything around me began to close in, as my brother and his friends faded in the background– I was alone. Jumping and jumping and jumping and… screaming…
My body was caving, my body was reeling– a stabbing pain that blurred the lines of this alternate reality. “He’s waking up!” I shook my head, wincing, drowning out the noise. “Hold him!” The voice rang from the sky, an eerily familiar voice– “Hold him!”
My eyes shot open and I gasped for air, the most intense pain I’d ever felt at my side. Everything was blurry, I couldn’t move.
I screamed out, “Fucking hold him still!” My head slammed back, hitting soft sand. My body was writhing, my blood was pumping– I was outside of my little piece of heaven. Someone was holding my head, running fingers down my face– “It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.” I couldn’t tell who was speaking or yelling or holding me down.
My screams grew louder, the pain intensifying. It was indescribable… truly the worst thing I’d ever felt. “Hold him down! Jesus fuck!” I refused to listen. I had to get away, I had to run back to my sweet piece of heaven. And suddenly the most fierce sensation touched at my side, a sensation that burned at my windpipes as I screamed, a sensation that widened my eyes in feral pain.
My brother– he was above me, tears in his eyes as he stared down at me. “It’ll be okay.” But nothing about this was okay, nothing about whatever was happening was okay.
I writhed, I screamed– and suddenly I fell back to darkness yet again.
: : : : :
My eyes opened to a beautiful view of the sea, through a thatched bamboo window placed in front of me. I smiled at the sight, sighing in relief that this all was a nightmare. “Morning sweetie.” His voice rang out, right next to me– laying with me in this cotton bed.
“Morning.” My lips curved, snuggling into his chest, savoring the scent of salt and ocean on his perfect body. I wrapped my arm around him, wrapped my leg around his. “I had the worst nightmare Dallas.”
He squeezed me with a light chuckle, “About what?”
I sucked in a breath, not wanting to relive those horrible memories. “It’s not worth repeating.” I said, closing my eyes and relishing the moment with his bulky arms around me.
“Good.” He cooed, squeezing me and planting a tender kiss to my head. “It’s about time for breakfast babe, I smell the eggs.” He leaned up, pulling me out of bed with him and leading me out of this small canopied room. It led outside, down makeshift stairs and to a clearing where everyone sat on dark stones around a fire. Aria sat in Zack’s lap, her arms draped around him. Gem stood above a cooking stone, scraping at eggs that filled the air with a mouth-watering scent. And my brother, a giant smile on his face as he held her from behind, as they silently danced to the tune of songbirds above.
It was easy to comprehend, easy for my hand to squeeze him and follow to the black stones we then sat upon. “Mornin’ lovebirds.” My brother commented, “Are you feeling’ better?” And I looked to Dallas, my brows drawn as I checked him for ailments.
“What happened? Are you okay?” I asked him.
He met my confused stare, a bright smile on his face– “He’s asking you, babe.”
Me? What would be wrong with me? He touched my side and a stinging zap shot through my body as I followed his hand to… my side was bleeding, it was pouring. I gasped and met his eyes, his green eyes that weren’t so soft anymore, but gaunt and restless. “Why am I bleeding?” I asked, pressing to my side as warm liquid oozed through my fingers.
“You don’t remember?” Dallas’s face morphed in an instant, stubble replacing his clean face and dirt covering his hands. I shook my head in a panic, turning to the others who laid flat on wet ground… no stones, no eggs, no birds singing above us.
My breathing became ragged, color drained my face. “No…” I whispered, “No.. no, no.” I saw the emaciated proportions of their bodies, their sunken faces and hallowed bellies, their ribs that protruded from their skin. “This… no, this can’t be…”
: : : : :
I thrashed awake, screaming at the top of my lungs– met with the face of him…
“It’s okay, it’s okay.” He held a hand to my chest, guiding me to lay flat again. “It’s okay.” My head was pounding and my side was on fire, “It’s okay, you’re okay.”
I shook my head violently, seething through my teeth as I said– “Nothing is fucking okay.”
And I heard him chuckle, that same chuckle from before. “Is he awake?” My brother ran over, followed by the voices of everyone else who circled around me. “Carter?” He bent down to me, such relief in his eyes; “Thank fucking God.” His hands grabbed mine and squeezed, “Oh my God, thank you, thank you.” He looked to the sky like someone had answered a prayer of his.
I focused on my breath, sent those breaths to my side and head and every space that felt necessary… until the memories of what happened flooded my memory. I sat up again, wincing but eager to see that everyone was indeed okay, and that our little island was indeed wet and tsunami-stained.
“What happened?” I asked, “After the tsunami… what happened?”
Dallas met my eyes, a tight line drawn at his lips, “What do you remember?” I shook my head, I couldn’t think about it, those last thoughts that raced through my head.
“I remember being… hit.” I breathed, clutching my side. “We got hit by the wave and then… I– I don’t know.”
He laid a reassuring hand to my shoulder, “You got– hurt.” Like the word was hard for him to say, “You’ve been out for days.” My eyes widened. Days? I’ve been out for days? “Only two.” He added when he saw the stinging in my eyes and looked around at the others, almost silently communicating if he should keep going.
My brother took it over, “You were punctured really fucking bad.” Well he surely didn’t sugar coat it, “And we had to uhm… We had to close your wound.” My eyes fell to my side that was wrapped tightly in cloth.
“How?” I asked.
And their faces answered the gruesome nature of what they did to me. My brother sighed and took the brunt, telling me of what happened following the tsunami. He explained that I passed out, that I was bleeding out– that they all thought I was going to die. But he told me about the machete, about that metal weapon I found on the beach and how it was my saving grace.
Everyone was silent as he went on, as he stumbled on his words and cringed at certain parts. I was bleeding on the beach, our resources were ruined, our fire was ruined– no one knew what to do. But they scraped at the machete and got as much rust off of it as they could and used it to build a fire. I looked at Dallas whose eyes were glossed over.
“I’ve never seen Dallas move so quickly…” my brother added, “He worked for hours until we had fire again… he…” Dallas bit on his lip as my brother continued, “We were all crying Carter. We thought you were a goner.” And then he finally got to the point of what they did, of how they made the bleeding stop. They heated the machete over the flames, searing it a bright red, and pressed it into my skin to close off the bleeding wound.
I cringed at the thought, but remembered– remembered when I woke up to them all holding me down, when they were screaming to hold me still. “And it worked?” I asked, as if it wasn’t obvious.
My brother nodded, “It did, but you knocked out for a long time and Dallas…” He looked at the dark haired man who still stared at me, “He hasn’t left your side.”
Dallas stood from my side, running a hand through his hair. “I’m gonna take a walk.” Were his only words before stepping out of my view and pacing down the beach.
“Can you guys give us a second?” My brother asked the other three to which they nodded and gave us some space. “Listen Carter…” He started, sitting next to me and forcing my heart to race; “A lot has happened while you were out. Uhm– first is that we finally got some food, so that’s good news huh?” My stomach rumbled at the mention of it, “Fish washed onto the island after the tsunami and we were finally able to eat.
“But Dallas… he’s uhm…” He looked in the distance, swallowing harshly–
“Spit it out Shawn.” I demanded, worry creeping into my stomach at the constant mention of him.
He shook his head, “He’s been a mess.” I drew my brows together, “He hasn’t eaten, he hasn’t been himself, he hasn’t slept since everything happened.” And my heart fluttered, “He uhm… we’ve all been worried about him– we’ve all tried to take turns in watching after you but he won’t let us.” My heart fluttered again, but I wondered why he said this as if it were a bad thing. “We’re afraid that he’s traumatized.”
I shook my head, “We’re all traumatized Shawn, look around–”
“No.” He shook his head too, “It’s different… he’s… different. He started talking to the air Carter. Full blown conversations with the fucking air.” My eyes drifted down the beach to his disappearing body, “He’s been fighting with all of us, threatening us, claiming that none of this is real and that this is just his punishment from God.”
None of what he was saying made any sense, “Shawn… he’s just scared probably–”
“Damn it, Carter let me finish.” He sighed heavily, “Sorry.” He took a long inhale, “We caught him last night with the machete…” My stomach dropped, “He was muttering to himself, something about if you didn’t make it, then nobody would make it.” I shook my head, no– that isn’t Dallas. “It scared the shit out of us. I don’t know what he was planning to do, if he was gonna… unalive himself or… unalive all of us. He had a full blown psychotic break Carter, he was crying and screaming and fought us for the machete that we now have under lock and key.
“He’s been crying ever since last night. He’s been holding you ever since last night, cradling you like a baby, talking to you for hours. He was going on and on about living out here and having windows to the ocean and laying in bed… waking up next to you… something about black stones and eggs and birds singing above him.” And suddenly everything about that dream started to make sense.
I went to move but a sharp pain shot through my side.
“You need to rest.” He sat me down.
I shook my head, “No. I need to talk to him.” I demanded.
“You don’t even know where he is, Carter. He could be taking a lap around the island.” But I shook my head again, I knew exactly where he was going.
I looked my brother right in the eyes, “Help me up.” I demanded, “This isn’t a request.” And he looked me over, a knowing look in his eyes.
“Okay, fine.” He pulled at my arms, grunting as I ground my teeth, as I blocked the pain that so vividly shot through me. And when I stood, I felt the head rush, but I staggered and stood still– fighting every urge to fall back to the ground. “Are you sure about this?”
I nodded, “Please.” I begged, silently asking that he didn’t stop me, silently telling him to not stop me. “I got this.”
My brother helped me stand straight, hovered his hands around my shoulders as I took a first step, then a second, and a third.
“I got it.” I put my hand out, determined to make it to our little hill. I just know that’s where he is, it has to be. And my brother finally let me go, yelling to be careful as I wobbled away, as I urged forward despite the pain.
And as I got just a few steps away, when I knew no one could see my face– I let the tears fall. I cried not for the pain, not for the tsunami or our current standings… but for him– for Dallas. I didn’t know what was going on in his head, I never have. But this seemed serious, this seemed different; and in that way my brother was right.
None of what he told me sounded like Dallas. Not that I knew Dallas, not that I knew him better than my brother or Zack or… Krista. But he induced those dreams to me, he spoke about those things for me. It’s what I told him that night on the beach, my dreams of living here, my dreams of us all in separate houses and food and light. He hasn't left my side, he hasn't given up on me.
I threw each foot in front of the other, each step remembering more and more of what happened after that wave hit us. I remembered tumbling through the water. I remembered being stabbed, remember clinging to that tree, remember pulling myself to the air that I gasped for. I remember falling to the ground, remember the blood that seeped through my fingers.
And I remembered him screaming my name, remembered the scared look in his eyes when he thought he’d lost me. I remembered it all up until the world went dark– remembered those last words he spoke to me.
Don’t go.
I couldn’t fathom him being so distraught and hurt and breaking his limits. All because of me? All because I was hurt?
Eventually I rounded the beach enough to see him, to see his legs that hung down from that little hill. Even though the island was different, even though parts of the beach had extended and some had dwindled– that hill stayed– that palm tree stayed.
He saw me and took a double-take before dropping to his feet and running over to me. “What’re you doing?” He held my arms, “You need to rest.” His eyes were wide and frenzied.
“Dallas…” I whispered, “I saw it.” I smiled, “I saw the window to the ocean and the houses and I heard the songbirds.” His body stilled, “I saw it all.” Those green eyes wobbled as he looked at me.
He shook his head, “C’mere.” He guided me to our hill, a silent walk until we both took a seat, until I was comfortable enough to rest on the palm and let out a steady breath. “You have no idea how happy I am that you’re okay.”
I looked at him, smiled at the curve of his lips. But my smile dropped, “Shawn told me what happened.” And his smile faded too, “He told me everything.”
He swallowed hard, “Listen–”
“No.” I started, “You listen…” I took a sharp inhale, “You stayed with me every night, I heard. You talked to me and slept with me and didn’t leave my side.” I repeated what my brother had told me, “But you haven’t eaten. You haven’t slept. You– what were you gonna do with the machete Dallas?”
He bit at his lip, “I don’t know.” He admitted, “I don’t remember even grabbing it.” He hung his head, staring out at the calming sea with parted lips and sunken eyes. “I honestly don’t remember much from the last few days.”
I placed a hand on his thigh, “Dallas. I’m okay– are you?” And an eerie pause fell over us, a pause that made my mind race, a pause that had me questioning whether he could recover or not. The man I looked at, this– Dallas– he wasn’t the man who braided the net, he wasn’t the man who kissed me.
This was someone different. This person was lost.
“I don’t know.” He choked, “I– I don’t fucking know.” He stood, pacing away towards the ocean. He threw his hands in the air, “I don’t fucking know, okay?” He cried out, pulling at his hair. He turned back to me, tears sliding down his face, “I thought you fucking died!” He screamed, “I thought you fucking died, okay? It scared the fuck out of me!” He ran up to me, placed those muscled hands on my thighs and leaned close to my face.
“I don’t know how much longer I can do this, Carter.” He whispered.
I shook my head, “Do what?”
“This!” He leaned away and threw his hands in the air, “Being fucking trapped here. I– I watched someone almost fucking die. I fucking ran with you in my arms and I couldn’t do anything but fear the worst, Carter I– I… Fuck!” He screamed wildly, breaking– completely fucking breaking, just like I had that day on the boat.
He dropped to his knees, facing the ocean, away from me. He was shaking his head, “I don’t wanna do this anymore.” And those words lifted me from the hill, that thought brought me to my knees next to him. “I waited until you were okay. I couldn’t rest until you were okay but… I’m fucking done. I’m done–”
“Shut up.” I demanded and wrapped my arms around him. “Please, stop saying that.” My voice was shaking, “Dallas I can’t be out without you and I’m sorry that you had to witness all of that and I’m sorry I went back for the machete and couldn’t climb the tree and I’m sorry that the fucking tsunami hit us the way it did and that I got so hurt but…” I took a long breath, “We’re in the same boat.” I laughed at the sentiment, “I can’t do this without you either.”
He turned to look at me, ran his teary eyes down me and stopped at my bandaged side, drifting his fingers lightly over it. “I don’t know if I can deal with something like that again.”
I shook my head, “You don’t have to. Not alone at least.” I added, placing my smaller hand over his, “I’m okay now– so you have to be too.” I begged for it, needed it– needed him. “I need Dallas back.”
His eyes met mine, those big green eyes that soothed any pain I might’ve been in. “I think I’m broken.” He croaked.
“No– you’re not.” I said, “You’re human.”
Our eyes locked in time, seeing the world through each other, seeing every thought and feeling from within ourselves. He took a deep breath, “Please never leave me again.” He whispered, that glimmer of Dallas returning in his eyes as he leaned in and kissed me.
Our lips stuck together, cracked and worn and dry but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t this glamorous kiss, or this sexually driven– love sick kiss. It was a need, it was an antidote, it was the medicine we both needed to remember we’d be okay.
And when we broke apart, “I’m here now. I don’t plan to ever leave.” I whispered back.
He cracked a smile, a small chuckle escaping him as he wrapped me in a hug, as he squeezed tenderly as if to not hurt me. “Can we lay down for a while?” He asked, resting his chin on my shoulder.
“Of course.” I responded, breaking free and laying with him, letting him curl into me and rest his head on my chest. “Dallas– we’ll be okay.” I deemed it, because we had to be. We just had to be.
I felt his breath on my skin, “I’m okay right now.” And I smiled at the open sky. Despite everything that’s happened, we’ve all bounced back. Dallas and I, Gem and my brother, Aria and Zack. We’ve all gotten through it, we’ve all been okay. It’s because we have our person.
And my person– is him.
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