“Look, Mark is one of my best friends.”
“I know that.”
“I respect him,” Chris said. “I respect his life. And, I know losing Joe was hard. It was fucked up. It was fucked up for all of us, but they were friends.
“And then he found you, and… You are different. You’re more than a friend. You’re… I don’t get in his business, and I don’t care, but I know how important you are to Mark, how important he is to you. And that’s all that matters. And if you can help me know what’s happening with him that would be great. He tells you everything. I mean, he does.”
“But he hasn’t told me about this,” Gilead said. “He isn’t really telling me anything now.
“You remember before Christmas, we went up to the lake? He told me, he said that sometimes he needed space. He said tt didn’t mean he didn’t care. He just needed space. And I am trying to give him that space.”
“But sometimes there’s too much space, and then—”
“I know.”
They were both quiet, then Gilead said, “He’s shutting me out. I feel it. At first I started to think it was about me, but it’s not, and…”
“No, it’s not,” Chris said. “He’s in a place. He gets in that place sometimes, but he usually comes out of it.”
Gilead nodded.
“I’m more worried than I let on. I kind of feel like I’m losing him.”
“You’re not,” Chris said. “You’re the one that still has the biggest hold on him.
“If he’s shutting you out there isn’t much hope for the rest of us.”
“I gotta call Cam when I get home,” Russell said.
“Damn,” Ralph shook his head as he looked up from his homework, “I can’t believe she’s still walking straight.”
“Because of Chris?”
“Yeah, because of Chris,” Ralph said.
“I dunno,” Russell shrugged, getting up and beginning to stuff his homework in folders. “He just doesn’t seem like that kind of guy.”
Of course nothing really seemed like anything that it really was. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would have sex with his brother, or with Ralph for that matter. All through December he and Ralph had…. Well, they had been lovers. And suddenly, with Ralph not even asking what had happened, they were back to being friends and Ralph was merrily fucking Vanessa. Russell could not keep his thoughts from Cody and when his thoughts sank south between his legs, then he went to Jason. No, nothing really was as it seemed, and yet Chris Knapp still could not be what they said.
“Her name was Mrs. Pruitt,” Ralph began. “That bitch was hot. And you know, Chris fucking looked the same way he does now. Lucky bastard, his balls dropped when he was like nine. I still remember Jeremy Reinhart saying he got the biggest boner coming in from class and seeing Chris just fuck her on the desk! Like, he scored with our teacher and he was like fifteen!”
“What grade was this?” Russell said, a little sickened.
“Seventh.”
“Then he would have been twelve.”
“Huh?” Ralph said, stirred from his reverie.
“He would have been twelve. Or thirteen.”
“Yeah,” Ralph said. “That’s even cooler.”
Russell looked at Ralph’s stupid face, and had a hard time believing he’d ever had sex with him.
“Well, he’s just been flat out distracted and irritated and not very Mark at all,” Gilead said.
“Yeah he’s being pretty weird,” Russell agreed, and Gilead said, “I’m glad you said that, because, as reasonable as I’m pretending to be, I was beginning to worry if it was about me.”
“I don’t think it’s you. In fact, he’s nicer to you that any of us, but he’s kind of being… not a dick, but…’
“Yes.” Gilead said. “And I don’t want to coddle him or bug him. We usually meet for lunch—” Gilead was not one of those people who felt the need to describe his sex life, “and we haven’t this week. I wanna give him his space, but I’m going to ask what’s going on soon.”
“Yeah, well,” Russell said, “don’t let it wait too long.”
The very fact that Mark had walked away from them and made it to class early was a sign that all was not well. Gilead simply took out a note and wrote: Are you all right?
Mark ignored him for about five minutes before returning: I’m fine.
Gilead breathed through his nose and then wrote: Meet me at our place at 11:45.
Mark looked angry for the first time Gilead had known him and then scribbled hard.
FINE
“You know,” Gilead began, “there was the really selfish part of me that was thinking, what if Mark is tired of me? What if he just wants to get rid of me? But this isn’t even about me, is it? I can guess what it’s about, or you could tell me.”
“If you can guess, then why don’t you tell me?” Mark said, turning to look at Gilead.
“I mean, you are so clever, aren’t you Gil? Why don’t you psychoanalyze me and tell me what my problem is?”
Gilead did not dignify this with an answer.
“There is one thing you do have right, Gil. It’s not about you. You are not the reason I feel like shit.”
Gilead’s face changed.
“But you are making it very hard for me to feel how I’m feeling so I would really appreciate it if you left me alone.”
Gilead was not entirely sure what his face looked like right now.
Mark jammed his hands in his pockets.
“I can’t stand to think of how your brain is moving around worrying about me all the time. I can’t take it, all of you fucking whispering about me. You know what?” Mark said. “Try to get a ride with Ralph or someone cause I’m going home early. I’m going home now, and please, please don’t fucking call me.”
Gilead was too… Gilead to let his feelings overwhelm him.
He just said, keeping his voice low in his throat:
“You’re sick of me?”
“I’m sick of all of you,” Mark said, looking away from Gilead, and he hitched his bag over his shoulder and walked away, trotting down the stairs.
“Don’t you have to be in class early or something?” Russell asked while he picked a pencil up with his toes
“Don’t you?” Flipper returned on the other end of the phone.
“I was just looking out for your interests is all,” Russell said. “I’ll yawn through first period.”
Now and again he realized how large his bedroom was, and he thought more should go in it. He’d keep that journal again. He’d get some more books. He used to love reading. He wanted to do that again.
The curtains were pulled over the windows and the door to the balcony.
“You know,” Russell began, “I’m maybe a little more upset than I should be?”
“About?”
“About Gil and Mark. They’re like the only sensible guys I know. And I know they care about each other. It seems like it took a thousand years for them to get together.”
“Well, they’re young.”
“I’m young,” Russell said. “We’re all young. And in a way they’re not young at all. Well, Mark’s last name is Young. But… I look up to Gil and Gil deserves to be happy, and Mark is being—”
“A dick?”
“Yes, but…. There’s something wrong with him.”
“Did you say he was in a car wreck?”
“I didn’t. Maybe Gil did. He lost his best friend in a car accident this summer. I mean last summer.”
“Well, that’s a big something, Russell.”
“I know!”
“I mean, it’s a really big something. I would feel fucked up too.”
“I get that. But how come his feeling fucked up has to fuck up my friend’s life?”
“Because, Russell, when you love someone their pain is your pain.”
Russell felt like he’d been smacked on the head.
He wanted to say, I know that! But it would have sounded childish.
Flipper just repeated, “When you love someone, their pain is yours.”
They were making out in her bedroom, but Cameron realized that she never really had to worry about her virtue or any of those things girls in Catholic school were supposed to be concerned about. She could time it almost to the second when Chris, pulling away and patting his hair down would say, “There we go. That’s good. We better stop.”
She supposed he was right. She hadn’t planned to start having sex just yet, but it had been in the back of her mind. The moment the well built blue eyed quarterback had first asked her out, she’d wondered how far they would go, how soon he would press her, if she would know him long enough to be pressed. Now this hardly seemed like an issue at all.
“You don’t mind?” Chris said. “I mean, you’re ok with us stopping here?”
“Yeah,” Cameron said. Then, “Yes. Actually. I just…. People talk.”
“Yeah, they do,” Chris grinned looking very innocent.
“You know. Head cheerleader, football captain.”
“And it’s me,” Chris said plainly. “You’re dating me, so I’m sure that must lead to some talking.”
Cameron grimaced and tried to be diplomatic.
“Whenever a popular guy is involved there’s always talking.”
“Cameron Dwyer,” Chris stood up and held out his hand. She took it and he pulled her up.
“I am not stupid. I know the stuff that’s been said about me for years.”
“People are jealous.”
“No,” Chris said. “They aren’t. They hear things. They heard things and they were misconstrued. Like, whaddid you hear?”
“Chris,” Cameron said, “is there something you want to tell me?”
“Yes,” Chris said, licking his lips. Then, “No, but yes. I mean, I just want to know—we should have talked about this a long time ago, what you think you know?”
“People just said you were a bad boy,” Cameron answered. Then she amended, “Now, maybe they said more, but I wasn’t around to hear it. And… you do look like a bad boy.”
“I’m not,” Chris said, sounding hurt.
“I was just,” Cameron stopped. She realized that Chris Knapp had come to her rescue. The day she had returned from Idlewild and couldn’t stand to be with her mother and couldn’t be with her father, he had come to her, and now he needed her.
She stood on her toes and took his face in her hands.
“Chris, I know you for who you are. Not who or what you may or may not have done. If I never listened to any rumors, it’s because they don’t matter. You matter to me.”
tomorrow, the conclusion of our chapter
