Discovering Love

Discovering Gregory

Chapter 32

Life's Little Surprises

Kent called me twice Sunday evening after I'd gone home to do my homework. His deep and sexy voice recounted the highlights of our weekend of bliss. He was on the phone again Monday morning half way between brushing my teeth and packing my lunch. He had to hear my voice. He sounded happy but in pain because of our parting. I knew the feeling. We agreed to meet after school. I'd wait for him at the pillar in front of Doug's. My entire day was spent counting the minutes until I could once again catch sight of him.

I arrived first because the senior-high got out a half an hour ahead of the junior-high. It was also half as far to the senior-high. I sat my books down next to the pillar and sat on them. Summer was fast-approaching and Kent and I could see each other every single day. I was lost in thoughts when the car passed and I heard the yell.

"There goes the fucking neighborhood," Greg screamed, hoisting himself out the window of the car so he could sit on the window frame to look across the roof at me. He was smiling from ear to ear. He seemed happy and ever so pleased with himself, but Greg was always pleased with himself. As they turned the corner onto his lane I could see his eyes sparkling as he faced the sun. I cringed but there was still that dip that hit my stomach as all my feelings for him rushed back on me. I watched him until he went out of my view. I looked up the street for Kent but I knew it would be awhile yet before he came. Why couldn't Greg have ignored me or not seen me at all. I'd never have seen him if he hadn't climbed out of the car and that would have been easy on my insides.

I sat there watching the cars pass. The sense of pleasure I'd felt over my life when I sat down there was now gone as I tried to keep Greg out of my brain. Was I always going to feel this way when I saw him?

I jumped two feet when he spoke to me from just beside the stone pillar.

"Hey, stranger, what's up? What are you doing sitting out here?"

The sun was just behind his head and there was no way to see his face. I knew the voice like I knew my own heart. I saw the cutoffs and realized how high they had been cut off. I tried to look at his face but I just got blinded by the light. I did so want to see those beautiful blue eyes one more time since he was there.

"Nothing," I said, looking to where my hands were holding each other in front of my knees. I wanted him to go away.

"You don't have to sit out here. You can come in if you want."

"I'm waiting for someone," I said as if he hadn't figured that out.

"My hopeless little brother no doubt," Greg said.

"Yeah, I think he'll come along pretty soon. I don't want to interrupt you and your friends."

"Oh him? New guy from Kansas if you can believe that. He wanted to see where I lived. He didn't stay. He's still a bit shy."

"Oh, they won't expect me to be inside," I said.

"They'll never find you here. They cut across the front yard at the far corner. Come on in and wait. You can have a Coke. My mother just loaded the cupboard with all the soda she had coupons for."

"Root Beer?" I asked.

"Hires or A&W."

"A&W."

"Come on," he said, turning and walking back toward the horseshoe drive.

I followed him and I looked at how broad his shoulders were. I couldn't resist following them down to his narrow waist and the top of those low hung cutoffs. His ass shifted suggestively as he walked but I wasn't foolish enough to think this was done with me in mind. Greg always walked in a manor that attracted the utmost attention to his well-developed body.

He held his arms out away from his body, more strutting than walking, now that I give it some thought. He carried himself like he was still the king and I followed him like one of his subjects, unable to think of a good enough reason why I shouldn't. I suppose I would have followed him anywhere in that moment if he had only asked, but he didn't and so I only followed him to the house.

The side windows in the dinning room were wide open and the sheer-white curtains were partially blowing outside the confines of the house. The screen that gave access to the awkward and uneven back porch stood wide open as did the door to the kitchen. I followed him up the steps admiring his ass as I was closing the screen door behind me. I could see the hair under his arms when he leaned into the freezer for the ice. I watched his arm and part of the right side of his chest flex as he reached above his head for glasses.

He filled two glasses with ice and poured one full of Coke and one full of Root Beer. He sat at the table looking up at me as I stood unsure of how long the invitation would be good this time. There was an easy smile, no sneer, and those damn eyes that had the ability to suck the air out of both of my lungs at the same time. I held the back of the wooden chair considering my options.

"How's it hanging, Martin. I've never seen you look so..., so... content. You and my brother doing the wild thing these days? You can sit down if you like. I've already had lunch. You're safe for the time being."

"No, it's too difficult being friends with Doug and knowing I'm going to piss you off every time I come around," I said. "We don't hardly see each other much any more."

"But you were meeting him, I thought," he said with curiosity in his statement. The smile disappeared and the cockiness never arrived, right-away anyway. "You were sitting outside the house. Who else but Douglas?"

"No, I'm supposed to meet someone he'll be with," I said, sipping and looking at this thigh poised two inches from where my thigh had come to rest next to the tiny table in the narrow kitchen.

"Oh, I thought.... Never mind that. I asked him where you'd been. I figured he'd say something to you."

"No!" I said, getting caught in his eyes for an instant longer than I intended. "We hardly see each other. He probably forgot but the time we did."

"He should have told you. I didn't want you think I still held a grudge."

"Greg, I was told not to come here. Doug is your brother and he believes if you don't want me here and it would therefore be wrong for him to keep inviting me. That's what he told me. I agreed. I don't specialize in pissing people off and it's all I do when ever I'm around you."

"Oh that. You know I didn't mean what I said. I get pissed-off way too easy when I don't get my way. I say stuff all the time I don't mean. Most guys just don't pay much attention to anything they don't want to hear from me. You aren't like most guys, Martin. I got to spell everything out for you. Yeah, I get pissed off and I get over it pretty quick. I'm not a total jerk. Well, usually I'm not. Nobody listens when I tell them not to come around."

"Kent?" I asked.

"Kent?" He said, his eyes flashing with anger for a second at the mere sound of the word. "Kent what?"

"Never mind. It's not important."

"It was important enough for you to say it. That who you're meeting?"

I sipped my drink and listened to the ice jingle against the glass. He watched my drinking technique without bothering to smile. I squirmed and somehow our thighs were pressed together and heat was pushing past the icy contents of my stomach and into my face. I was turning red and I knew it and I wanted to leap up and get away from him, but I didn't.

He smiled once he noticed the red tint on my cheeks and then he noticed our legs touching ever so slightly. I got hotter when he let his entire leg straighten out so it rested against mine from out ankles to our thighs. He smiled and he still seeming quite pleased with himself.

"We've got fifteen minutes. We could shoot a little pool. I've only got my shorts and sandals. We'll hear him come in."

"I don't think I should."

"Sure you should," he disagreed.

"We'll just end up arguing. No matter what we start out doing we end up arguing about it. I like you and I don't want to argue with you any more. Let's just leave it be."

"Oh we will not. We can be friends if you want. I shouldn't have said what I did and I'll be more careful. You pay less attention to what I say and it'll all work out just fine. Come on, Martin. I want to play with you.... Pool!" He said, standing to reveal the bulge running down to near where the right leg of his shorts ended way too soon for any pretense of modesty.

He checked to see if I had found his excitement and of course I was looking there first. He then reached down to scratch his crotch so that the leg would lift to expose just enough of him. "Come on. I'll take off the sandals and all you got to do is win one. I really want you to win this time. To make up for me acting like an asshole, okay? We won't argue. Let me make things up to you."

He continued to shift the material in his shorts as long as my eyes stayed transfixed there. His smile grew and the twinkle in his eye made them sparkle.

"What do you want, Martin?" He said once I hadn't responded.

"Hey Greg, you seen Martin," Doug yelled as the screen door slammed.

Greg flopped back down into the chair as Doug appeared in the door of the kitchen.

"Oh, there you are. We thought you'd be out front," Doug said. "You two aren't fighting?"

"You're timing is always rotten, Douglas," Greg said, gulping Coke and pushing himself away from the table before heading for the living room. "You know where I live, Martin. The offer is good any time. Don't be a stranger."

"Yeah, whatever," Doug said, answering for me. "Come on, Martin. He's like a bitch-in-heat out there. He thinks you stood him up. What have you two been up to anyway? He won't tell me anything and he tells me everything. What are you doing with my brother? I thought you two hated each other or something. I can't keep up with you three."

"He invited me in," I said, getting up from the table and looking to see if Greg was still around so I could get a final glance.

"Hey, that's great. You can come to the mountains with us this weekend. Both Van an' Augie asked when you were coming back. My mom asked me too! I told her you was busy.

We can go fishing. I found this really neat spot," Doug rambled excitedly.

"I think I have plans this weekend," I said.

"Kent, no doubt!"

I smiled. Kent was true-blue. I followed Doug out to the tree in the middle of the driveway. Kent was leaning against the tree in the shade and he smiled at me as soon as he saw me come off the porch.

"I thought you forgot," Kent said, reaching for my hand and this caught Doug's eye.

"I see that look in your eye, Kent. You said you were through with love."

"I lied," Kent said, never taking his eyes out of mine. "I'd kiss you but there are too many people watching us. We don't want to give them the wrong idea."

I looked up and there was Greg, leaning with his hands on the dining room windowsill, glaring out at us. His expression had changed and the anger was back on his face. I didn't figure I'd ever understand him but I felt bad I'd pissed him off one more time. I guess he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it and he was used to getting it. He certainly knew he could get me any time he wanted and I regretted that because I knew I was powerless around him. He was dangerous to me and to anyone I would ever like. I made up my mind to stay away from Greg. Kent was as good as it got for me, and I would be fine with him. At least he cared something about me.

"You coming with, Dougie?" Kent asked, holding both of my hands and not looking at Doug.

"No, you two go ahead. I can see I'd only be in the way and Herbie's always busy with someone."

"We're just going to talk," Kent said.

"Yeah, right! I know you better than that."

*****

Kent and I met every day after school through Wednesday. We talked on the phone each night and talked about what we would do the next day after school. We started talking about what we would do during the summer vacation. On Wednesday night no one answered the phone and he didn't call. On Thursday Doug showed up alone after school and he said Kent hadn't been there that day. I tried to call thinking he was sick, but there was still no answer. Doug and I walked to his house and it was locked up tight and no one was there.

We started walking back to his house when the baby blue Galaxy screeched to a stop just behind our legs.

"Hello, Martin," Doug's Mom said in that little girl voice of hers. "We are quite disappointed you haven't joined us at the weekend house."

"I've been pretty busy," I said, trying to get my mind off Kent.

"We're going this weekend if you want to come along," she said, wheeling the sedan back onto the road.

"I'm busy again. I'm sorry."

"Never be sorry. As long as you are busy doing good things."

"Besides, the king gives him hell most of the time," Doug said. "That gets old fast. None of my friends want to be around him any more."

"Timmy is always going with us," she reminded him.

"He goes to be around Greg, Mom, not me. He just hangs with me because he wants to be around him is all."

"Martin, if you are staying away because Greg is being difficult, I shall have a talk with my first born son and set him straight."

"That'll be the day," Doug said.

"It's not that. Greg's okay. Please, don't make a big deal about it. I don't think he likes me very much and if you say something, well, it can only get worse."

"Greg is too busy liking himself to know a good friend from a loser," she said, turning her head to smile at me reassuringly as I sat in the backseat feeling bad.

Doug grabbed the door tightly and shouted, "Mom, drive on the road please. I want to live to see the tenth grade. I've dreamed all my life about going to high school. Don't take that away from me when I'm so close."

"Oh, Douglas, you're such a ninny. I drive fine," she said, glancing at me a little quicker than the last time.

"You drive fine when you keep the wheels on the pavement."

"Oh, hush," she objected, making the quick turn onto their lane and then jerking the car into the nearest end of the driveway.

"Mom!" Doug objected.

"You shall come in and have some soda with me," she said. "Root Beer I believe."

"Yes, ma'am, I can't stay long. I have to be home for dinner."

"I can drive you if having a soda makes you late," she offered.

"No, ma'am. That's not necessary. I have time for some soda."

The three of us sat around the small kitchen table. Doug's Mom laughed and joked with us and wasn't anything like a parent. She seemed happy and she enjoyed life and us. I liked her more and more each time I was with her.

Greg came to the door after some particularly loud belly laughing about one of Doug's misadventures as a boy.

"Oh, it's him. Where's Kent? I'm sure he's waiting for you, somewhere. We wouldn't want to keep you two apart," Greg said with no warmth in his voice for me or for Kent.

"Greg!" His mother said firmly. "I've invited Martin to join us this weekend. He seems to think you'll have some objection to his presence and I've assured him that if you were smart, which I know you think you are, you'd have no objection whatsoever, would you?"

"No, ma'am," Greg said, glaring at me. "No objections."

"I'm going to be busy, I think," I said.

"With Kent? Me thinks not," Greg said, looking at me,"Kent and Herbie are on their way to California as we speak. He didn't tell you. How careless. Just can't trust that boy," he continued sarcastically.

"What?" I said in shock.

"Oh yeah, Herbie called me from the airport a little while ago. Their old man is going to Asia on TDY for three months. He's dropping them off at his parents for the summer. Didn't Kent tell you any of this? Of course it was sudden. Herbie didn't even have time to pack. He won't be busy this weekend, mom, don't let him lie to you," Greg said, walking away from the door even more pleased with himself than usual.

"Well, whether you are or you aren't, you're welcome to come with us any time you like. Greg will not be a problem," she said.

"Thank you," I said, having already told my parents I was going to be away for the weekend and giving them the impression I was going with the people that I was now actually going with since my life had been destroyed.

"Since Greg doesn't mind, maybe I will," I said loudly so he would hear. I hoped I pissed him off as much as he pissed me off.

"I didn't say I didn't mind," Greg said even louder from the hall by the television room.

"Excuse me, Gregory," his mother said, speaking louder yet.

"But I should have," Greg finished, once his mother had made her opinion clear to him.

"You see, he'll be no trouble at all," she said confidently.

"Right Mom, he's just going to be on his best behavior whenever you're around," Doug said.

"Now you cut it out, young man. Your brother is a bit self-centered is all. He simply needs guidance. Martin can rest assured I'll give it to him if there are any problems. Your father will enjoy seeing Martin again. He thought you were a fine young man."

"Yes, ma'am," I said, unable to get too excited about my fate. Spending the weekend with Greg seemed even too cruel for my rotten luck.

*****

I called Kent's house constantly until we left Friday after school for the mountains. Doug tried to cheer me up but had little luck and Greg tried to make me feel bad but he couldn't make me feel any worse. I wondered, if I might ever meet someone that I could stay with just for a little while? I wasn't sure what I had to do at sixteen to have someone to depend on, someone to end my loneliness for good.

The weekend was fine. I mostly hung with Doug and we swam and fished and took a canoe down to the rapids and succeeded in bruising all four of our knees when we hit a rock and went head over heals into the water. Luckily the canoe went to the shore so we didn't lose it down the mile of rapids. That would have been a bummer. We mostly pulled it back because even the river ran against me.

As we finally got the canoe into the calms near the back of the house Greg was standing near the shore and waded out to help us secure the canoe once he saw how beaten up and exhausted we were.

"Mom was worried about you two. You took it into the rapids didn't you? You know better, Douglas, they're dangerous for amateurs."

"Yeah, yeah. When did mom start worrying about us? And if she was really worried about us, why did she send you?" Doug inquired curiously.

"She just told me to look out for you is all. She knows how helpless you are. Don't mention it to her and I won't say anything about the dents."

"Yeah, right," Doug said, tying the rear off so it couldn't drift. "What dents?"

"Look at the nose on that puppy. What did you hit, a bridge? You really need some lessons, brother of mine."

"I think it was a rock. We didn't get a lot of time to look at it. We were mostly swimming right after that," Doug explained. "Did you see what we hit, Martin."

"You're lucky it didn't get loose down the rapids. We'd have been chasing it for a week. It could end up in the Potomac, you know."

"It was a rock. Big sucker that the water was running around. I could only see a little of the top," I said.

"You saw it and you didn't warn me to steer around it?" Doug asked.

"Steer! We were hurtling so fast I barely caught a glimpse before we ended up flying out of that thing."

"You okay, Martin?" Greg asked in a voice I didn't recognize.

"What do you care. Just get off my back, okay," I said, moving toward the shore and away from them. "I wasn't driving the fucking thing."

"He's heartbroken. Don't mind him. I can't even get a smile out of him," Doug said.

"Maybe you don't have what he wants is all," Greg said as their voices faded behind me.

I hauled myself up the rope and met Greg's father at the garden.

"Martin, come help me pick some tomatoes. You're a mess boy. You can take me up for me and get a shower. Let the Mrs. Look at those knees. Went down the rapids, huh? They're tricky."

"They're green," I advised him as though he were in a different garden.

"Yeah, perfect for frying. You like deer, Martin?"

"I don't really know. What's it taste like?"

"Oh, are you in for a treat. Get a couple of those big ones in the middle. They'll be getting ripe soon. By the end of June they'll be big and juicy and ready to eat off the vine. Doesn't your father hunt, Martin?"

"I don't think so," I said.

"What do you do together?" He asked.

"Nothing," I said.

"You don't go to ball games or play golf, nothing at all?"

"No, sir. He keeps pretty busy. Mostly I try to stay out of the way."

The man looked at me carefully and gone was the broad smile and the infectious laugh. I guess I had that affect on people. That weekend no one was smiling when I left. I think Greg tried to be nice to me any number of times but I didn't trust him. I knew what he wanted because there wasn't anyone there but Doug and me. By Sunday he steered clear of me every chance he got. I don't know if we weren't speaking again or not, but we didn't.

Augie and Van had left about the time we got there. They were double dating Van's girlfriend and her sister down where Van lived. I thought about how I had met them and gave up on trying to figure people out. The double dating had been going on since the last time I was up there but Van and Augie had stayed close friends. I wondered if they were still dating each other too but they only got back Sunday afternoon about the time we were leaving.

It was nice seeing people that were still together a couple of months after they'd first started seeing each other but it wasn't the way I expected it should be. Maybe guys could date both guys and girls and I was weird for only being interested in guys. I didn't get long to ask questions because we had to go before we had much time to talk but they both said they were glad to see me and they wanted me to come back soon. Greg came back in the back of the truck with us but he slept all the way.

On Tuesday I got a postcard from Kent. He said he was sorry and that he didn't know until his father packed them up the morning they left and I was already at school. He would have called school but he knew they'd never call me to the phone. He had gotten a postcard and a stamp on the run through the airport and he didn't sign the postcard but he did do something even better.

X0X0X0X0XXXXXXXXXX

For the first time in almost a week I smiled, holding the card to my chest and trying to remember what it felt like being in his arms.

A letter came the next day and he reassured me he was going to be back by the start of school no matter what and he'd be back sooner if he could figure out a way to get back to me. I started feeling like my world maybe wasn't coming to an end after all. Then I got the same kind of surprise from my father as Kent's father had given him. It was two days before the end of the school year when my father broke the news.

"Your grandparents want you to come down for the summer," he said at the breakfast table on Wednesday morning.

"They do?" I asked, trying to think of some reason why I absolutely couldn't go away.

"Me and your Uncle Joe will be driving you down after school tomorrow afternoon. Pack what you need tonight when you get home from school. We won't be stopping at the house after we pick you up."

So much for trying to think of reasons why I absolutely couldn't go away. My summer was ruined. My grandparents lived on some backwater near the Gulf Of Mexico on the panhandle of Florida.

My final day of school was spent mostly in trying to figure out my life. It seemed to be beyond my control. It came in spasms and reached feverish highs before crashing down beyond the beyond. Even my final minutes before being whisked off to Florida were just another spasm that confused my life even more.

 

Discovering Gregory

Chapter 33

Summertime

With Kent gone and me on the way out of town the last two days of school were anticlimactic at best. It was at my locker just before I was to meet my father for the trip to Florida that things took a completely unexpected turn.

I had turned in all my books and except for a jacket and a notebook full of left over random papers, there was nothing of value. I might have ignored the contents of the locker and gone straight out to the car if the jacket hadn't been one that went with everything. It wasn't so much the trip to the locker that changed anything but what I found once I got there.

Greg!

"I thought you graduated last week," I said.

"Yeah! I was inviting some people to my graduation party. It's Friday night. My parents will be at the weekend house. I thought you'd like to come," Greg said, sounding uneasy while he was making the invitation to me.

"You want me to come to your graduation party? The guy you told never to come to your house again? The guy you fight with every time we come within a half a mile of each other?"

"Yeah, I know," he said, easing his back against the lockers and dismissing all pretence of posture as well as any attempt at posturing. "I don't know what it is. I think about what you said that day at the picnic table, you know. How you felt about me and all that. Look, I know I'm a handful, and I don't expect you to understand me. I don't understand myself some times, most of the time. There's something about you that just pisses me off every time we get together, Martin. I don't know what it is. I'm always glad to see you and then you open your mouth, and we're going at each other."

"I see. It's all my fault."

"No, that's not what I said. I want you to come to the party. Doug won't be around so you can stay with me over the weekend if you want. I really want you to come. It's the only graduation party I'll ever have."

"I can't, Greg."

"Why not. I've done everything but kiss your royal red butt. You changed your mind about me?"

"I'm leaving for Florida right now. My father's probably outside waiting for me. I'd love to be at the party. I'd love spending the weekend with you, but I can't."

"Florida? Doug didn't say anything about Florida."

"He doesn't know. They just sprung it on me yesterday. It's not my idea, believe me, but if I don't go there will be hell-to-pay at home. It's just easier doing what they want."

"You have a good time. Call me when you get back," Greg said, smiling a different kind of smile for him, no sneer attached.

He walked toward the exit and disappeared while I stood trying to remember what in the hell I was doing at my locker when school was over for the summer. I wasn't sure I'd see Greg again and for me that wasn't a good thing. I knew we were somehow linked in a way that could never be explained. We might never see each other again but a piece of him would always be with me.

*****

Florida was hot and humid and it rained every afternoon between 2 and 5 p.m. for two solid months. My grandparents lived on Choctawhatchee Bay where I often submerged myself to cool off from the heat, and if that wasn't good enough, we were a couple of miles from the Gulf Of Mexico and we visited there frequently. There were kids my age, younger, older, and all variety and sizes. There was always something to do and some place to go and if there wasn't, I had plenty to think about, but mostly I thought about Kent and Greg, not necessarily in that order.

I didn't mind being alone but each day there were planned activities that I was expected to participate in. They were mostly fun things and things arranged for my enjoyment. There was always something to do, except on those days when the rains came early and lasted all day. Those days were cancelled and that left me to stand inside the screen looking out at the water springing off the black asphalt in fat drops. It was a nice place to be if I had to be someplace alone.

I wasn't unhappy being there but I was bidding my time until I could head north once more. I didn't know what I was looking for but I knew I wouldn't find it in Florida, and two days before school started my father arrived and we started our journey home.

*****

I was standing at my locker the first day of school, feeling very superior to the sophomores who scurried around me. There weren't quite sure of what it was they were doing or where it was they were going but they knew they should be doing something and therefore anything had to be better than nothing. In my junior year I had no such difficulties. I knew what I was doing and where I was going at all times, and this was a first in my life. I just wasn't too excited about being back at school.

I looked over my new books and placed them in the order that I would need them the following day, stacking them neatly on the top shelf after my last class was done. I even remembered to bring the jacket back to place it in the locker for those days when it got colder instead of warmer, which I hoped was still a month or two away.

"What's up?"

My back was turned and I was deep in thought but I knew the voice immediately. I whirled around and it was all I could do to keep from throwing my arms around Kent's neck when I looked into those brooding eyes.

"Kent!" I said, restraining myself at the last instant.

"The one and only. How the hell are you, good looking, and why didn't you call me?"

"I just got back last night. I was away."

"Lot of that going around. So this is what high school is like. Looks like junior high only on a grander scale, you know," he said, looking up and down the busy hallway.

"So, where were we?" I asked.

"Ready to study?" He said, losing interest in the goings on in the hallway and looking at me with an increasing intensity.

"Yeah, we going to your house to study?"

"I was hoping we could go to yours. It's closer and it will give us more time."

"No, that's too dangerous. My father might come home early. I don't know where he's working. I was thinking we could walk to your house. I'll just be late to dinner. I been gone all summer, they might not even notice."

"Yeah, the good old days. It seems Pop came back with a woman on his arm. She's taken over the house. We had to hide all the porn and put away the toys. They last a few months before we get to be too much to handle. We'll find some way to get to her once she's settled into her routine. Pop gets tired of them once they start complaining about his boys, but until then, it looks like we've got all this time and no place to go," he said, leaning with his arm up over his head on the locker as his body moved ever so closer to mine. "The bathroom? I feel a piss coming on. You can hold it for me or do you think someone would notice?"

"We're going to get caught if we aren't careful," I said. "Not in school, Kent. We'll find a place."

"You worry too much. We can't go to my place. We can't go to your place. That leaves the bathroom or going without. It's the bathroom. I've tried going without and it's too hard to do that. This place'll be cleared out in another ten minutes."

"It's a nice day. Maybe we could find a place on the way home. Not here."

"Great! Where do we go, Martin? I'm all ears. I'll follow you anywhere."

"We'll find a place in the woods."

"Dad's got a trip coming up in a week or so. They're going out west. He said on business. They'll be gone for three days. We can stay together the whole time if you're interested."

"What about, Herbert?" I asked.

"I'll get him to stay over with Doug. His mom doesn't mind him too much in short doses. I think three nights is extreme unless they go to the mountains. Doug'll be anxious to spend some time with him after all these months."

"He isn't hanging with Greg?"

"Greg's away. He's working some place out of town."

"He is?" I asked.

"Yeah, that's what Douglas says. We've got biology together. He hasn't been home in weeks. I suppose if we were really good friends we'd go keep him company but I want to keep you company right now."

"Where out of town?" I asked.

"Greg? Who cares? Way out of town if we're lucky."

I had been gone ten weeks and the world had gone on without me.

We moved off into the woods a little ways past the library. I didn't know where we were headed, but I'd know it when I found it. Kent followed closely behind me as we crunched through the long ago dead leaves and fallen branches. I was feeling better about Kent. I could never be sure what it all meant but just him being with me meant he didn't want to be with anyone else just then. As we walked he slid his hand into my pocket and he found my erection.

"You're hot to trot," he said. "I want to blow you."

"Let's find a good spot," I said, looking for a suitable clearing.

"Let's get off the path," he said after a half a mile of meeting no other people.

After a few more minutes of being out of sight from the path, I turned him around and he was already puckered up for the kiss. He unbuckled my pants and let them drop around my ankles before he stooped to put his mouth on the front of my underwear. The moisture from his mouth transferred through the material and onto the hardest dick I'd ever had. I could feel his teeth but he didn't use them in a rough way. Soon he lifted up the material to first expose my balls for licking and then he ran his tongue up into my pubes before he sucked me in all at once. It took my breath away.

"Take it easy or we're going to be done before you know it," I said, holding the side of his face and fucking his mouth. "I haven't done anything since we were together."

"I better take care of myself if that's the way you're going to be," he said, backing off me to fumble with his zipper to reveal the serious condition of his own dick. He was frantically jerking away when he went back to sucking me again.

"Don't!" I panted as my knees started to buckle. "I want to do yours."

Before I could say anything else I was blasting away for all I was worth. I had one leg over one of his shoulder and my dick shoved deep into his throat and Kent stayed with me all the way until he helped me onto the ground so I wouldn't fall. He kept sucking away gently on my now failing flesh. As I lay fighting for air he knelt with his head still between my legs, jerking vigorously until he was spitting and gasping on my almost softened dick. I felt the hot liquid splattering on my legs as he finished himself off in a flurry of moans and furious jerking.

"Oh, yeah! I needed that," Kent said, falling onto his back beside me as he looked down at his hand and the last few drops that were just then leaking onto it as he milked it dry.

"We could have done it to each other," I said.

"Don't worry. I'm just getting started. That was a warm up," he said, kissing me and moving my hand onto his bending dick.

He watched me feeling him for a minute before he unfastened his pants and pushing them quickly down to his ankles, forcing my hand off him as quick as I was starting to enjoy the feel of an almost hard dick in my hand. The next thing I knew he was moving on his knees until his dick was hanging over my lips.

"Go on. Suck me."

He put his hand behind my head and pulled it up off the leaves until my mouth had taken the head and part of the shaft.

"Use your tongue. Lick it real easy. All over! Yeah! Like that. Don't worry, it'll be back and it won't take long if you keep doing that."

I let my fingers slide back between his legs to feel his delicate warm smooth skin. I thrust my hand unceremoniously up into the crack of his ass, going for the gold before he could object. As I sucked for all I was worth he touched my head and face while talking to me in soft wordless sounds. I let my fingers slide back and forth across the ridges of his taunt hole with curious fingers. He moaned, moving his ass slowly and gently on the probing digits.

My mind was filled with the vision of what happened the last time I touched him there and it drove me. It was easy becoming lost in lust when I was around Kent. Him giving me easy access to his tempting icon of joy simply added fuel to my yearning desire. This moment had been building in my mind for the entire time we were away from each other. The reality of it was far more potent than the unclear images that came often to my thoughts.

Now it seemed like only yesterday that we were in the midst of our last spurt of passion. During the summer it had seemed too far away for me to believe we'd ever be together again. Being apart had taught me one thing, being together was better. Both of us were making the sounds as I attended both of his ends.

"Don't touch anything you won't eat," he gurgled in slurred words as he looked skyward and gasped as he slid his ass all the way down on the probing intruder as I humped his leg and sucked his now rising tide. This was the sign I had been waiting for him to give to me.

"There's nothing you got I wouldn't eat," I said, stopping in the middle of the attention I was giving him.

"That felt so good. You don't have to stop."

I pushed the finger back in place as his ass accepted it eagerly. I kissed the hard head of his cock. He held still this time, fearing I was going to quit him again. The sounds he made said it all but not quite enough for him.

"You're kidding about that, aren't you?" he said, more serious than usual as he looked down to see the expression on my face.

"I don't kid about a thing like that. Anything you want. Anything!"

I made it as clear as it was in my brain. He could only draw one conclusion. I added a finger to the mix as I kissed and it made him squirm and arch his back.

"You'd do that? Put your mouth down there? I mean on it?" His voice revealed the desire I hoped I would find in him. We'd yet to find our limitations but there was something about that spot and Kent that drew me to the conclusion that this was where I wanted and needed to go with him.

"There is one way you could get me to do it real quick. If you want me to do that, I mean. There's something I would like in return."

"I've always had a fantasy about that, you know," he said. "You serious? That's one thing no one has done."

"Have you had a fantasy about someone sticking their cock up there? I mean instead of their fingers?" I asked.

"Not really. Lots of guys want that," he said, disappointing me. "Most guys want to see if they can get my cock up them. By the time we work that out they've lost interest in fucking me. Not always."

"Then maybe we can make a deal," I said in a hurry not wanting to derail this train of thought.

"What kind of a deal?" He asked.

"I have a fantasy too? It involves you and a certain spot on your body."

"Don't be bashful, tell me what you want. I told you mine," Kent asked.

"I'm afraid it involves your asshole and my dick. I took a good look at it that night at your house. Man I wanted to give it to you in a big way. I'm ready to shoot a load just talking about it. I want to fuck you while you're sucking yourself off. I'll get you ready by licking it up first. You know, put my mouth down there as long as you want me to."

His dick started to twitch as we watched each other. He didn't answer right off but his reaction seemed favorable. He hadn't immediately said, no way. That's something.

"Let me get this straight. You'd do what I want if I let you screw me?"

"If you want me to do it I'll do it whether or not I get to screw you. It sounds fair if I fulfill your fantasy I get a crack at mine."

"You mean, you'd like a crack at my crack?"

"That's about it. I'll do anything you ask."

"Fuck me while I suck myself?" He contemplated.

"Sounds gross?" I said, trying to see it from his angle.

"Shit! I'm not sure I can eat all that cum. My dick's so hard it hurts thinking about this deal. You really know how to get me reloaded. You spend a lot of time thinking this up?"

"No, didn't take any time at all to think it up, but I've been thinking about it for months."

"I'll do anything you want to do as far as sex is concerned," he admitted. "I like sex and I like you."

We both got the idea of taking off our pants just to get them out of the way before things turned serious. Kent lay on his pants and threw his legs up toward his head and lowered his knees near his shoulders. I got hot just seeing him duplicating the position he used to suck his own dick.

I rubbed the back of his legs and kissed him behind his knees. Licking the inside of his nearest leg until I noticed how that one amazing spot was almost perfectly positioned for viewing or almost anything else I could think of doing with it. He wiggled slightly to perfect his positioning and that just made the hole that much more enticing.

Once I was face to face with his two smooth hen's eggs, I licked them one at a time while fingering his hole. I watched his face through his legs as his dick dangled down near his lips. It had become somewhat softened after our repositioning and undressing.

While feeling his delicate smooth skin, I kissed him back between his legs until my mouth was on his most interesting spot of all. He shivered as soon as my mouth came near it. I kissed the inside of his cheeks to signal how close I had come.

"Go ahead," he ordered in a husky voice.

Using the tip of my tongue, I probed all around, even licking vigorously in some spots, but not on the spot. He wiggled and squirmed, making every attempt to get my mouth on his hole and each time my mouth was committed to an area for more than a few seconds, he repositioned himself. When I was about to make contact, I'd change course and never more than brushed pass it. The sounds he made expressed his disappointment.

Once I had him where I wanted him, I poked the spot and eased his butt up to the perfect angle so I could see his face as I started to lick him there. His eyes closed and the moan had the birds and squirrels going for cover. The harder I licked the more I slobbered and the louder he groaned as he pushed his bottom at my mouth.

Even though it seemed like it should be impossible, Kent had several inches of his dick in his mouth, but I'd seen him perform this maneuver once before and it wasn't quite as exciting the second time around. His eyes had closed and I could see his mouth working. The look on his face was one of total pleasure. This made me even more passionate with my licking and sucking. The strained sounds that came from him told me that he didn't mind the attention after I placed one and then two fingers inside him.

There was no way for me to wait. I'd waited all summer. Now I was going to do what had been on my mind the entire time. Pushing my thighs up against the back of his legs, I moved into a better position so I could get my dick into his ass as quick as my fingers came out. As I pressed forward I watched even more of his dick slip into his mouth as my weight came down on him, only this time it had fattened remarkably and its color had grown quite dark. His knees got close to his ears as he focused on his technique and adjusted to me being on his ass.

I collected the moisture I'd left behind with my mouth, rubbing the head of my dick on the slick spot. While I was moving it around, I applied more and more pressure until I started to slip in. This brought about a soft moan as his warm moist insides began to swallow me as soon as my fingers came out.

The bliss swarmed in my brain. My dick felt like it went on and on. I held him by his thighs so I could pull and push at the same time. His body did whatever I asked it to do, and he sucked on, making sounds that filled me with desire. I got the leverage I needed as his shoulders took most of my weight and his mouth took care of his.

My hips dipped and hesitated before making a long slow withdrawal. My mind was lost in love and lust. We both hummed to our individual passion but the tune rolled through me like the Hallelujah Chorus. His velvet insides had me going faster and faster so I could experience more intensity. The harder I fucked the louder we got and the faster I went. By holding him just above his knees and keeping my thighs pressed against the back of his legs I could go at it as hard and as fast as I wanted.

Kent had no objection to what I was doing but he had his hands full, or mouth full of his own lust. I'd never been with anyone who was made for love like he was. Everything with him led toward or away from sex with him. Even when we weren't doing anything, we were planning together or separately for the next time. It's like we were connected in some strange silent lusty way. Neither of us tried to convince the other we weren't as horny as we were. It was obvious every time we came together. There was no escaping the attraction and no denying what was on our minds most of the time.

We lie together for quite awhile once we'd depleted our reserves a second time. The summer of going without was forgotten. We touched and kissed and kept out hands on each other's spent passion until we sensed we'd been there too long. We got dressed more because I had to be home than him.

He held my hand as we walked away from our love nest and back toward the path. When we got to the road that led to my house, he crossed the street, walking a ways up the gravel road with me. Neither of us was in a hurry to break the spell that had come over us.

In the end we kissed until we heard a car turn onto the road, crunching the gravel loudly as it closed in on us. Kent was walking away from me, but looking back at me, as the car passed. He kicked some stones as he walked and then turned and walked backwards as I stood there watching until he went out of sight. I turned and walked toward the house, thinking only of him.

When I passed the place where I had met Greg months before, I recognized it as the exact spot where my emotional and sexual lives had merged. The thought of it was nothing like the experience of it. I had flirted around the edges of lust and love for months after that meeting, but now I seemed to have found the path to fulfillment through Kent. I no longer felt bad about thinking about sex all the time. It was worth the time I took with it. For the first time in my life, life was worth the living. I finished my walk home with a broad smile on my lips. Life was good.

Kent and I had found our first spot where we could make love unobserved each day. As the weather grew colder we had to find another place out of the weather. There was this old shack further back in the woods and there was a small piece of the floor that hadn't rotted out. We equipped it with a couple of blankets from my garage and some pillows from his basement. Each day we walked home together, taking a break to further cement our relations. It was the one thing I woke up looking forward to each day.

For the first time in my life someone was there for me if I should need him. While Greg came to mind from time to time, he was so far out of the picture that they were only passing thoughts. I was sure he was shacked up with some guy or perhaps some girl somewhere, and I was sure he didn't spend much time thinking about me. We did see Doug frequently but we never mentioned Greg. Doug had met Cheryl and he thought he liked her quite a lot. I'd see them in school together from time to time and they could hold hands and even kiss if there weren't any teachers around.

Kent and I could only smile and wink, knowing something no one else knew, and enjoying the secret we kept between us. I guess if someone ever watched our meetings, they'd have suspected something but as long as we were together it didn't matter what other people thought. Love is like that.

I think this was the first peace that I knew in my life. Having someone there when I needed him was the best thing. Seeing his face light up each time he saw me was enough to keep me going for another day. Being able to touch and hold and to love one another was as good as it gets, and as good as it had ever been for me. My endless longing had turned into a deep contentment that made all other things unimportant.

*****

Discovering Gregory

Chapter 34

Ignoring Protocol

Kent had been right about his father's girlfriend. By Thanksgiving she was on the ropes, dissatisfied by her role as guest housemother for two horny and delinquent youth. Just before Christmas she rooted out forty-three porn tapes, eleven issues of Playboy, fourteen less intellectual publications, two pairs of handcuffs, a blindfold, one industrial size jar of water soluble lubricant -- ("The perfect lubricant for intimate anal pleasures."), but the final straw came when she discovered two dildos -- one being a close match to Kent's cock, except for the fact it was black, not Kent's cock, the dildo.

Her lament to the boys was, "Wait until your father comes home. You two little perverts are in for it."

She had the colonel's wrapped attention while she presented her case, but it was the sight of the two dildos being poured from a brown paper bag into the middle of the dinning room table that also got his blood boiling.

"How dare you put those disgusting toys on my table. What's gotten into you? Where did this stuff come from."

"The boys room!" She declared in a horrified voice. "It was in their closet, under the bed, and in their dresser. It's everywhere. I can't live with these disgusting items in my house. It's got to go today. All of it."

"What made you think you could search their room?" The colonel queried.

"I suspect something was going on. I've heard noises coming from there. I was certain it had to do with drugs and sex. You can see for yourself. Your boys need discipline."

"They're teenage boys for god sakes. They have needs, privacy being one. You can't go into their room without asking them. You are here to be in my room when I need you. Get your coat. You're right, you can't live in a house with these items."

Kent rolled off his couch onto the floor while telling me this part of the story and describing the disbelief on her face. He was beside himself with delight and it was obvious that he was happy to be freed from the watchful eye of his father's latest fling.

When his father came back without the women, the table had been cleared and there was no sign of any of the items she'd commandeered.

"What was that stuff doing in your room, Herbert?" He demanded.

"I caught her noising around, Pop," Herbie confessed. "I thought you might not like her getting into your movies. She seemed determined to find something naughty. She waited until we were at school before she pulled the search. I didn't know where else to put it."

"Smart thinking," he said. "I've just got one problem. You aren't doing what I think you're doing with those dildo are you? I mean you aren't putting them up your...?"

Herbie and Kent both cracked up at their father's worried inquiry. There was no difficulty lying to him about it.

"No, Pop, they're just a joke," Herbie announced with conviction that Kent claimed to almost believe himself.

"Carry on boys," he said, and the girlfriend never returned.

Kent was quite proud of himself. We now had a place to go and it was a bit cold to keep our ardor going outdoors some bitter afternoons. We settled back into a routine of rushing to his house after school and sharing several intimate hours before I had to be home for dinner. Sex was less the focus after three months. For a long time we spent two hours a day every day doing it but some days we didn't do it at all by Christmas time.

That first day in the house the first thing Kent wanted to do was play the piano in the nude. Of course that led to all kinds of complications because I couldn't or wouldn't keep my hands off of him. First I got in front of him to accompany him on the skin flute, but that only made him laugh. I got behind him and humped him below his shoulder blades until I was beside myself with lust but he refused to stop playing. It was then I got behind the bench and started licking his crack. It was surprising how far he had to reach for some of the keys once I thought of doing that.

He positioned himself so I could get limited access as he played vigorously, but a little is a lot when you are determined and I found a way to gain entry while stooping behind him and holding his hips so they could lift but not scoot out of my reach. It was then we ended up on the floor, with Kent being made hysterical by my determination.

I wasn't as amused as I was excited and I got his legs up on my shoulders to finish with him while he watched to see what the hell I was up to. He had stopped laughing by then and I reached between his legs and it only took three strokes to ignite his candle of love. I took somewhat longer with his ass but only because I didn't want it to end.

"I'll take you on tour with me when I'm famous," he said as I pummeled his bottom. "We'll make the kind of music no one has ever heard before," he said, still catching his breath.

Kent and I did make great music. I loved hearing him play but I could never leave him alone when he was playing. I couldn't leave him alone ever. We touched all the time. He liked holding hands best of all and I liked cuddling more. I think cuddling too much made him claustrophobic though. Some days it was fine but other days he'd get antsy and hyper after awhile.

It was after January report cards that Kent found out he was not doing well in History or English. We agreed we'd go to the library after school two days a week instead of going to his house. It wasn't easy for us to keep our hands off one another for that long. We did end up playing knees-y under the table about half the time and staring into each other's eyes half the time, but we did use the bathroom to become a little more intimate some days.

Kent's grades improved but now on the days we went to his house, I found it almost impossible to leave him. I didn't want to leave him. We'd have sex as soon as we got in the door. We'd make out after that until it was almost time for me to leave, but some days we started at the beginning a second time. I started being late for dinner about half the time. Even when we went to the library we'd go into the woods to make out before starting home. Some days that led to a round of blowjobs, some days even more. My late arrivals home made my parents more and more angry with me.

By April he was walking me up to the corner and then to the entrance to the development once I had to start home, and then we'd stand there staring at each other for ten more minutes, holding hands when no cars were coming. Even though I knew this was leading to more and more trouble at home, I couldn't leave him until would say goodbye, and it was becoming more and more difficult to say goodbye.

My grades were fine but doing nothing at all when you consider the amount of time I was supposedly spending at the library each day. I was rushing at seventeen and I wanted my freedom. I wanted to be able to be with Kent any time I wanted, and all the time if I wanted. My parents had a different idea. On one particular mellow April afternoon, we stood on the corner by his house for an inordinate amount of time. He walked me to the pillars at the end of the lane, and we made out behind one of them while standing in the bushes.

I knew it was getting later because it was getting dark and it was already daylight savings time. Even then I couldn't leave him. Once I did, my parents were waiting at the door when I got home. Dinner was over and I was grounded big time. I had to come straight home from school every day. I wasn't allowed out of the house without one of my parents being with me.

"We don't know what's going on young man but we don't like it, and it's about to stop."

And so the edict was imposed and Kent and I could only see each other at school. The school bathrooms because our only source of relief. I hated it but I hated not touching him even more. He'd walk me home and get pissed off when I told him I had leave him to keep the peace. It was putting a real strain on our relationship and Kent let me know there was plenty of opportunity right in his own house for relief. He wasn't going back to going without, so I'd better straighten my parents out.

The following day Kent was waiting for me on the gravel road as I walked toward school. He apologized and begged me to forgive him for being such a dope. We went right in the woods and with our pants around our ankles we did what we hadn't been able to do in awhile. It was incredible. We made out for way too long and then rushed one so he wouldn't be forced to go to class with a hopeless boner. I knew it was a lame excuse but any excuse was fine with me.

This became our new meeting place each morning and things improved for a time. Of course within a week we were late to school each day. No matter what time I left, which was getting earlier and earlier each day, we just spent more and more time doing it until it was after nine when we would finally get to school. I'm sure there were raised eyebrows in the office when they'd see first one and then the other of us showing up with one more lame excuse for our tardiness. We took turns going first and had a list of excuses so we didn't use the same one too often. The long frowns and doubtful headshakes said it all.

It was in May when I was called to the office to explain that morning's excuse to Mr. Bigelow, the vice-principal. Kent was seated in the waiting area when I arrived. We didn't look at each other with more than a glance. By the time I was in the office my shirt was soaked and I was sweating profusely.

"I don't know any juniors," Kent said as he passed me on the way out.

I stuck to the story but he didn't believe a word I said. I was told that one more late arrival would get me in deep doo-doo. I cringed when he said it and realized that it was only a few weeks until my junior year would end. I knew I couldn't get expelled or my entire summer would be destroyed.

The following morning Kent was waiting in the usual spot.

"Kent, we can't start. School's almost out. We'll have the entire summer if we don't fuck up now."

"Yeah, well, what about until then?"

"Hold our breath?"

He took my hand and nudged me toward the woods as he started kissing me. I knew better and I wasn't going to get expelled even for love. It's then that he came up with the idea.

"We could skip the whole day. Just go off some where together," he said.

"Where?" I asked.

"I don't know. You're the adult. You tell me where. Why do I have to come up with everything?"

"You're so far ahead of me it isn't funny. It's your idea. Where?"

We skipped the next two days. I told my parents I was sick and they believed me. Lucky I did because the school called the second day. Once my absence was verified, I was home free. We went to school the rest of the week and even started out in school the following Monday, that's when Kent arrived with the latest wrinkle.

I was surprised at lunch when Kent dropped his tray down beside mine. He ate the lunch shift before me. He looked into his tray as I looked into him.

"If Bigelow sees us he's going to know," I said.

"I'm just eating lunch. Who the hell are you?"

"Right!" I said. "What are you doing eating now?"

"Me? I went to the nurse. Said I wasn't feeling good at all. I was sick last week, you know. She gave me an excuse to go to lunch late. I'm not hungry. Can you get sick too? I went along with her game and now I'll go back and tell her I threw it up and I'm feeling worse. I think I'm running a fever even."

"I'm fine," I said, cheerfully. "What do you think it is?"

"Go to the nurse and tell her you're stomach is upset and you're starting to ache all over. I'll go in right now and tell her I can't eat because my stomach is upset. I'll tell her I want to go home. She's already asked me if I thought I'd be okay. I told her I thought I could make it, but I'll go back and tell her my stomach got upset when I tried to eat. Can you do that, Martin?"

"One I set it up, she'll be convinced we're contagious. Brilliant or what?"

"We're going to get caught, just you wait and see," I said in a song.

"We aren't! Will you quit with the negativity already. You'll make my dick go soft."

"We only have two more weeks of school. We can't keep testing them, Kent. They're already suspicious. I don't want to blow my summer."

"I'm going right now. You come down in ten minutes. I'll be on the way home by then."

"Sure. I haven't gone home sick in awhile. She'd let me go home, I guess. What happens once I get out?"

"Meet me on the path. We'll decide where to go. I'm going now. Meet you in half an hour. On the path."

"Yeah!" I said. "Okay. I guess that's better than staying here."

The nurse was real sympathetic. She said there was something going around. In two more minutes I was walking up the hall with my early dismissal slip. No one wanted the flu spreading through the school. Kent was a genius and we could do no wrong. That one trip to the vice-principal's office was our only brush with being busted.

There must have been too many kids in school to crosscheck all the possibilities. I doubt if they were looking for two guys who were lovers, taking every opportunity to be with each other. I must admit I was a bit squirrelly when it came to disobeying. I had a thing about being honest but Kent was doing his best to break me of the habit. Whenever I saw him it made the risks worthwhile. I knew how damn lucky I was to be in love. I wondered how many other guys were as lucky as I was at seventeen.

Kent met me on the path but he was looking rather glum. I wondered if he was really feeling bad and that was how he came up with the plan. For once he didn't look at me for a long time and then he didn't light up once I was filling his eyes. I felt a little twinge in my heart like he might be getting over me. We'd now been together forever and I couldn't conceive not loving and being loved by him.

"You really sick?" I asked.

"Yeah, something like that. I don't know what's wrong with me, Martin, but I'm scared. I think it's serious."

"Scared of what?" I asked. "Where does it hurt?"

"It's you. You really scare hell out of me."

"Why's that? I didn't do anything."

"That's just it, you don't have to do anything. I'm going crazy when I'm not with you. I can't think straight. I think straight to you is what I mean. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never felt like this before. You think I'm crazy?"

"Could be. I'm crazy over you," I said.

He smiled as he looked up at me. He took my hand and held it up to his chest before kissing the fingers. He had the most serious look on his face. We held hands for awhile as we walked without talking and he stopped to kiss me twice as we walked toward the end of the woods. He didn't even suggest we have sex right away.

As much as I loved Kent on this day I liked being with him just as much as I loved him. He seemed satisfied just being with me for a change. While I started sex as often as he did, he never seemed to get enough once we got going. I could just want to hold and kiss him after going around for awhile, but it just led him right back to another erection and more desire. Being with him was all I wanted or needed out of life and anyway he wanted to be with me was fine.

I thought he might be getting to the same place I was when he just wanted to walk and talk or not talk. We stopped listening to some bird songs and watched the new summer wind rustling through the treetops as we held hands. He kept looking at me when I wasn't looking at him and when I did look, he'd look away like I had caught him doing something he didn't want me to catch him doing. He looked more boyish than I'd ever seen him.

After wading through years of dead leaves we found ourselves back on the path with no plan at hand when he stopped to chat me up.

"How could it be like this?" Kent asked.

"I don't know. Chemistry at its finest maybe?"

He looked at me puzzled and held my second hand.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked, checking my fingers.

"It's the way people react to each other, I guess. Some people just knock your socks off and other people you can't stand."

"Lift up your pant legs. I want to see," he said firmly.

I shook his hands out of mine and pulled on the knee of my pants. Both socks were sagging around the tops of my shoes. None of my socks had any elastic left in them to hold them up.

"I see," he said, smiling broadly, lifting up his pants ever so slowly to expose the bare feet in his shoes. He smiled coyly.

"This means we like each other? I think I got it a lot worse than you if we go by this sock thing. I feel like I've got to be with you all the time," he said, going around in a circle and turning back to place his nose on mine. He looked ever deep into my eyes. "I feel like something is going to happen to you. That scares me a lot."

"Nothing is going to happen to me. Let's go some place and be alone together," I said.

"That all you think about?"

"Yes. I'm with you aren't I?"

"Me too. My dick's hard all the time now. Every time I think about you, which is all the time now. Liking you so much is getting down right embarrassing. People are starting to talk. It's not like I can hide it all the time."

"You hard now?"

"I'm with you," he said, lifting his shirt a few inches.

"Show me."

"You're bad, Martin. What happened to that nice innocent boy I knew?"

"He fell in love with a sex fiend," .

Kent unfastened his pants and flipped his cock out as he looked up and down the path. "We can't stand here with me like this. Schools almost out."

We walked along and I held onto it as we made our way up the path. At first Kent seemed nervous but then he put his hand on my hand. We stopped and kissed and he rubbed it against the front of my pants. He held my face and I took my leaking erection out so we could rub them together. We stood right in the middle of the path, knowing how stupid it was, but it didn't matter. Love's got nothing to do with brains.

The kisses were getting wetter and more passionate. I ended up running my hands up under his shirt while we did our version of the bump and grind until we decided we'd better cool it before someone took a notion to walk down that path.

His house was quiet as a tomb. Just inside the door I pulled down his pants and took out my cock. I rubbed myself up against his ass as he leaned back against me. He stood holding my wrists as my cock slid up and down the crack. I was massaging the front of him with both hands as my dick massaged the warm secret spot. He bent just enough to make himself completely available to whim or wish. The longer we stood there the more passionate I got. His hands held my wrists tighter as the guided my hands to pump him up furiously. His short uneven breathing told me all I needed to know.

"No, no, not yet," he gasped while I was making entry. I was so hot I couldn't hold back even if I wanted and I wanted him.

Kent let my wrists go, sliding around in my arms, just when I was ready to hit high gear. His hands slid down my body as he knelt in front of me, slipping his lips easily onto my super hard cock. They moved down to my zipper in one motion as my hands held me up on the door. His mouth drove me to distraction. My cock head was constricted tightly inside his throat, and he knew just what to do to me.

He became more and more aggressive as his hands held my ass so that I couldn't withdrawal, even a fraction of an inch. All I could do was hump his mouth and give in to the experience. I did that with a devotion I'd never had for anything else I'd ever done. At this I was very, very good. There came a point during this session when I felt as though I was all cock. I had no feeling or thought of anything put where his mouth joined me to him.

I felt powerful and alive. He sucked, licked, and manipulated me in a way that had me trying to force him to take even more, though there was no more. I held his head and fucked his mouth so hard I would feel bad about it later but he was taking me to a wild place and I couldn't resist going all the way there.

How I lasted that long I don't know but the intensity took me over the edge of passion and into lusty lewdness. I tried to drive myself into his mouth and into his soul.

Kent was an unselfish lover. He did not resist my attack in any way. He seemed energized by it. He held my ass tighter and tighter in an attempt to force his mouth further onto the pole that impaled him. When I started to gasp, he took my hands in his. His motions and mine became a gentler love making when the inevitable came. I was only able to gulp air while letting loose. It was as though my life force was ebbing out of me and into him.

He eased me onto the floor as I listened to him gulping down my offering. I could hear my heart thumping madly and wondered if it might burst. Mostly I could hear myself fighting for some air. I could hear him breathing and I could hear the quiet house.

He raised my shirt and kissed my stomach. He eased himself up and kissed the tip of my nose. We just lay there looking at each other. I'd never seen an expression quite like that one. He was more gorgeous than ever and I felt complete.

"That was the best yet," I said, still breathing hard but wanting him to know.

"I know."

"You're great," I said.

"So are you. I love how you loose control."

"I don't," I said.

"You do. It's incredible when you let it happen."

"Let me do it for you. I'll do better this time. Promise," I said.

"You're too late," he said, "I've made another mess I'm afraid. I can't touch you that I don't get too hot to handle. I shot all over your pant leg about half way through the blowjob."

"I want to do it for you before I leave," I said.

"And here I thought you just wanted to screw me?"

"I'll do that too."

"Three times? You are getting into this deal. At first I thought you were afraid of sex."

"I want to satisfy you. I want to make you happy. I want to let you know how much I love you."

"You're kidding. Being with you satisfies me. I cum without even being touched. I get so close at night just thinking about you, it takes three or four strokes and I'm done. You satisfy me big time. Today you will get all you want before you leave. That's a promise."

"I'll never leave then."

"I'll wear you out."

"Roll over on your stomach and we'll so who wears who out."

"Oh, you do love my hinny. Why do you think I saved it for later?"

We kissed and hugged and wrestled on the rug. It was nice having some time to play.

 

Discovering Gregory

Chapter 35

What To Do With The Messenger

Kent and I somehow got through to the end of the school year without being expelled. Once summer began everything eased up. My parents relented and my time was suddenly my own once chores were done. That left me free to see Kent on most days. It was great having time and even greater having someone to spend it with.

Of course all of this was way too good to be true for my life. I'd never been as happy or as content with life. Even my parents were off my case. I did understand something Kent had said to me one day after we realized we had fallen in love. I started fearing something might happen to Kent. What it was about I'm not sure, but as quick as I got clear of the house, I half ran and half walked to his house, needing to get there, needing to see he was okay.

I spent most of my time at Kent's and even when I didn't get home for dinner, it wasn't even mentioned. The biggest fly in the ointment was Herbie, who'd bounce right into the bedroom without checking to see if maybe Kent and I were up to anything. Kent kept saying it was his bedroom too and the bed was half Herbie's, and that could get me going because I knew what the two of them did in that bed. Kent made no bones about it and said it probably wouldn't stop until one of them moved out, but I should be thankful because with the two of us he could keep his hormones under control most of the time.

My understanding of the world was that you fell in love and you stayed true blue to the person you loved. He explained that Herbie was his brother and he loved him first and he would love him last while him and I might move on one day. I didn't like this line of conversation at all, so I gave up trying to figure out how Kent could love me and have sex with me during the day and still be doing it with Herbie at night. It went into the category of that's the way it is and it's best to leave it alone. I was happy enough to leave it alone but not to stop thinking about it.

Herbie took up with a kid name Glenn just before the Fourth of July. Glenn was fifteen going on ten and while Herbie's friends were often way young, none talked about going to high school. Herbie had told us, that's what Glenn had said.

This information did trouble me and that was before I knew how persistent he was. One day in the middle of July they came romping into the bedroom unannounced. Kent and I were mouth to favorite organ, making like goldfish. The two naked boys stood staring at the demonstration.

"Man, look at that boy's dick."

"Oops, we thought you was out," Herbie said.

We'd seen them come and go and they usually stayed in the basement. Besides hello, goodbye, there had been minimal interaction because we always went in the other direction when they appeared.

Kent and I were quick to break our lip lock and slip under the sheet to hide our over exposure to the blond boy's wide open eyes.

"Obviously the one with all the cock is related to me," Herbie bragged. "My brother Kent actually. I told you about him. This is one of the locals, Martin. He's cooler than most. This is my new friend Glenn. His old man's a fighter jock. They moved from Ohio last month. He bowls and loves porn."

"Yeah, you got some neat fuck flicks. I never seen none like them," Glenn said, bouncing down on the foot of the bed while he watched us just in case we decided to get a lip lock on each other again.

"You look a little young," Kent said, looking over the little boy.

"Says he's fifteen," Herbie said. "Guess he ain't got his growth spurt yet."

"I am too," Glenn objected. He had just a slight amount of cock hair and hadn't managed much growth in that area for fifteen.

"Show me your I.D.," Kent said. "You're twelve, right."

"Left it in my other pants. We got to do it in front of them? You said we could use the bed. You aiming on us all doing it together? That's cool."

"Whatever you want sport. I let them have the bed all they want. It's our turn or we can go back downstairs if you want," Herbie said.

" I done it in front of a guy before. Don't bother me none."

"Done what? Did what? Kent asked.

Glenn hesitated and looked at each of our faces before finishing. "Blowed his buddy. You believe me?"

"Why wouldn't I believe you. You a liar or something?"

"I ain't a liar. I'll prove it if you want."

"Guys don't usually lie about being a cocksucker," Kent said. "You better not be so anxious to prove it either. Everyone doesn't want to know they know a cocksucker."

"You guys were doing it. I saw you."

"Friends you fooled around with?" Herbie asked with major curiosity in his voice. "Who'd you blow? Who'd you let watched?"

"Next door neighbor. He took me camping. He liked to stay in his sleeping bag together. It was cool. Then his buddy started coming around when I was over his house some nights. They'd let me drink beer and then we'd do stuff, watch fuck flicks, talk, and like that. I liked to lap dance for them. Man they loved that."

"Lap dance?" Kent said with more than surprise in his voice.

"Yeah, I'd take my clothes off and take turns sitting on their laps. Old guys like that shit. No big deal."

"You didn't?" Kent asked.

"It always got them hot. They treated me real nice once they got hot."

"I bet. Where do you find 'em, Herbie?" Kent asked.

"At the bowling alley," Herbie said innocently. "We just started talking. I told him we had porn. He wanted to come see it. I didn't know about his friends."

"That was back home. Ohio. Don't know anyone here."

"You know us," Herbie said.

"He knows you," I said.

"I don't mind," Glenn said, looking at the sheet where he knew Kent's dick was hidden. I could see temptation on his face.

"I do," I said and Kent laughed.

"I like guys my own age too. Guys my age talk too much," Glenn said, stretching out on the bed until his hand was next to Kent's leg. His dick pointed straight up and twitched every few seconds. "Can I see it close up."

"You keep your hands off him," I said, getting between him and Kent while keeping the sheet over our best parts.

Glenn looked startled once I slowed his momentum.

"Hey, I can talk just fine," Kent said to me sternly. "Don't start that jealousy shit. The kid's harmless. He can't get between you and me. We're about caring for each other. He's interested in hard dicks."

"Sorry," I apologized, feeling like my father had just shot me down. "He doesn't look all that harmless to me."

Glenn's dick pulsing against the sheet, emitting a drop of liquid on the white material where it touched.

"I'm with someone kid. You're with someone, okay? You can only do one dick at a time if you do it right."

"Yeah, but can I touch it is what I want? I'm not aiming to get engaged to it."

"You're with him," Kent said firmly, sliding his arm around me after repositioning himself.

"You guys are no fun. When I came it... I thought you guys would be fun."

With his chin in his hands and his elbows planted on the mattress a foot from us, Glenn waited. With his ass stuck up in the air, Herbie moved up behind him to take advantage of the standoff. Glenn stayed put.

"You got a big one too," Glenn said, reaching behind to feel Herbie as he concentrated on getting himself all worked up over the wide open crack, but Glenn's mind was on more lucrative prey. "Which one is biggest?"

"Mine," both Kent and Herbie said at the same time.

"I doubt it," Glenn said. "Let's measure them," he said, his chin still in his hands.

"Tapes in the drawer, Herbie," Kent said.

"Martin been checking your measurements? I'm shocked."

"No!" I objected.

"He knows exactly how big it is," Kent boasted.

"No, you can't tell anything with a tape. Put 'em together so we can see who's biggest," Glenn said. "I'll be the judge and hold them together."

If nothing the kid was persistent. Herbie flopped down on the bed stroking himself vigorously.

"They don't call him my little brother for nothin'," Herbie said, admiring himself and looking back at Kent.

"You mind?" Kent asked me. "I can't deny a challenge."

"No," I said, feeling a bit excited by this proposition. Suddenly Glenn wasn't a threat, he became a facilitator.

Kent scooted his ass up between Herbie's legs and looped his thighs over top of his brother's skinnier version. Glenn was immediately leaning over them, a cock in each hand, vigorously stimulating them as he bent to his task. He massaged and coaxed each separately and both at the same time, leaning to kiss Herbie's tip and after glancing at me before touching his lips to Kent's. We all stared at the formidable columns of flesh, Kent with his hands behind his head and Herbie with his hand on Glenn's dick.

Kent's hips moved first and Glenn immediately encouraged him with his mouth just fitting over the tip. He held them together and took one tip in and then the other, moving from one to the other, each small hand filled with obscene hot flesh. After a few minutes he sat back on his heals, looking at them.

"Damn, you guys are huge."

He leaned forward to rub his small pink version on the twin towers. He wasn't half as long as Kent's and less than a quarter as big around. His liquid leaked on Kent's darker flesh and Kent's hand started to massage his own dick, using the liquid as the boy joyously contributed. For a second they were alone together and the boy kissed the tip more vigorously then before.

"Hey, that ain't fair," Herbie said, leaning up on his elbows to watch the sudden desire overflowing in the bed.

"I'd call it an unfair advantage," I offered without being asked.

Glenn gleamed with Kent's head stretching his mouth open wide as his slobber ran down the shaft and Kent used it for lube.

"Go ahead. Which of us is biggest?" Herbie asked, do me that way so it's fair.

"You're longest by I'd say an inch," Glenn said, kissing underneath Herbie's tip to sooth his ruffled feelings.

"See," Herbie said. "Told you."

"But his is way fat, dude. You're hot as hell," Glenn said with admiration.

"Told you," Kent said. "Kid knows his meat."

"Did you tell him," Herbie shot back, "or you going to let him figure it out when he comes up and we ain't here."

"Not yet," Kent said.

"What are you waiting until after we leave?"

"Leave?" I said.

"Thanks Herbert," Kent said. "Let me handle my own fucking affairs."

"Leave?" I said, as Kent wilted out of the competition in spite of Glenn's attempt at mouth to mouth resuscitation.

"Cut it out," Kent said, clipping Glenn's ear with his angry open hand.

"Mine can use some of that," Herbie said. "You're with me remember?"

Kent scooted up into my arms and wrapped his around me, placing his head on my chest. "I didn't want to ruin it for you any sooner than I had to."

"What's going on, Kent?" I demanded.

"Pop's been reassigned to Edwards Air Force Base. We'll leave at the end of the month."

"When were you going to tell me?"

"The last week. I knew you'd shut down. I just wanted us to be together, really together, for as long as possible."

"You sure are taking it in stride," I said. "Where's the fuck is Edwards?"

"California. If it's any consolation, it's the pits. We move all the time. This is forever to know about it compared to some of the weekend moves he's pulled on us."

Kent talked, Glenn giggled, and Herbie moaned and didn't move while Glenn seemed to be crawling over his body until he got his hips up to his mouth and fed Herbie all there was to give. I watched something that would normally ignite me into looking for some activities of my own, but I was numb.

I'd considered a lot of things over the past few months, but losing Kent had drifted off the radar screen. It was too perfect to ever think it would end. I wasn't alone and I always had somewhere to go, but that would last for a couple of more weeks. I couldn't conceive my life going back to what it was before. I said nothing. I couldn't speak. I went dumb.

Glenn leaned his face onto Herbie's stomach as he backed up to Herbie's mouth. His eyes closed and he slobbered into the small belly button under his mouth. Kent held me and I wanted to cry but I wasn't going to cry. It was time to get back to doing it on my own. I couldn't let the world get to me.

I'd always kept a wall around myself and it had kept me safe from dangerous pain. Letting my guard down was going to cause me more pain than I thought existed. Pain I wouldn't have believed existed just a little while a go. Even the magic bullet that always put lead in my pencil couldn't light even a flicker inside of me as I watched Herbie cleaning Glenn's ass.

Glenn's eyes suddenly opened and drilled into me as he smiled with an inordinate pleasure glowing on his face. "Looks like they're leaving us alone, huh?"

"No, me alone and you alone," I corrected curtly.

His eyes closed, Herbie licked, my heart sunk.

*****

We sat in Kent's kitchen drinking iced tea while Herbie and Glenn came and went from downstairs where they'd gone to critique more movies. The longer I looked at Glenn the younger he looked but no matter how young he looked, I knew I would run into him in the halls at school one day soon. This made me even more uneasy than I already was, but not as uneasy as when he put his naked ass on Kent's lap and did his impression of a private dancer.

I started to go off but how stupid would that be? I wasn't mad at the kid and he couldn't help he was a sex fiend. I wasn't mad at Kent and he couldn't help he was one either. For a change I wasn't even mad at myself and I wasn't a sex fiend but sometimes wished I were. I think I'd pretty much zeroed in on God, figuring it was about his style. Give the kid a touch of happiness and then yank it away PDQ so he's alone in the world again. I wondered if I was being punished for being too happy, too horny, too much in love. There was only so much of anything God allowed you to have before he zapped you.

God and I had been on the outs since I was twelve and told the new minister I'd started trusting with my thoughts up at the Baptist church that I thought it was possible that I might be gay or something.

He radiated loving religiosity as he looked at me with fondness on his, adding a warm smile before passing judgment "You seem like such a nice boy. I'm sorry you're going to hell."

I never once went back to that church or any church after that particular benediction was issued. I suppose I should have been angry with the minister but he was a small fish and my anger was huge. If I was going to hell I'd get there having the most fun I could find but until I met Greg... there had been no fun, only more of the same. It had all gotten better in a perverse way and now it was all going to hell.

While Kent and I had put on our underwear, I knew this shameless boy Glenn would have little trouble getting a rise out of my lover. I was going to object but I immediately saw visions of a dozen boys standing in line waiting to sit on Kent's cock somewhere in his future. He was a stud and I was a novice and of course he liked the attention. What was the point of getting jealous now? He was lost to me.

"Okay, kid," Kent growled after he started working on freeing him from the confines of the fabric. "Go bother Herbie. We're talking up here."

"You ain't either. He's sitting there with a dumb ass look on his face and you're staring at him. It's hard. You know you like it. Your brother's finished for awhile."

"Glenn, I told you no," Kent said with angry intent.

"You're no fun. He's no fun. He's old. I been with old men ain't old as him."

"I thought you preferred older men?" I said as he glared at me fresh from another rejection by Kent.

"Old guys don't run their mouths and they want it all the time but young guys are the most fun. 'Cept you two aren't. Not even a little fun. He'd let me if you weren't here," and his round rosy red ass disappeared into the basement staircase as he deserted us.

"Like I said, he's coming home and Doug'll be coming up," Kent said. "We'll make the best of the time we've got, but you've got to start thinking about after I'm gone."

"What's to think about? Who's coming home?"

"Greg. Aren't you listening to a thing I said," Kent moaned.

"My brain isn't working too well right now. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."

"You won't be. That's why I didn't tell you. I wanted you to have the happiness as long as we could be together. I knew what you'd do once I told you. I don't want to leave feeling anything but what I feel for you. I won't let you make it into some fucking funeral while I'm still here. Once I'm gone I can't stop you. This is life, Martin. Get used to it. We're kids. We don't get a say. If we did we could go off together and say fuck it. We don't and we can't. But what we can do is get every minute out of the time we have."

"Easy for you to say," I said, being unfair and hurt.

"Yeah, I'm used to it. Every time I'm liking on someone or just have a life, I've got to let it go. Yeah, I've learned there is nothing I can do about it. I've learned not to punish myself or anyone else for that matter because of stuff I can't do anything about. I love you and I've never said tjsy to anyone before. It's not a word I use, Martin. You're special. You give me something no one else ever gave me. Don't take it away. Don't be pissed at me.

"I've always been the little boy with the big dick. I've always had guys wanting to slobber all over it and see if they could stick it where. Until I met you, that's pretty much what I thought it was about. I had it, they wanted it, and I gave it to them after I made them beg for it a little.

"I could have anyone of dozens of people right now, including that little kid, but I'm with you. That's it. Once I'm gone, no promises, life goes on, and you'll go on, and I don't want you mooning over me. I can't say I won't meet anyone else. I just don't know that, but you're an adult in less than a year. You still feel the same way then, come get me. I'll be waiting for you but I'm still a kid for two more years, so you better think about that one too."

"Meaning?"

"It's some serious fucking time when a nineteen year old goes off with a eighteen year old little boy. The Air Force won't look fondly on someone stealing one of their own," Kent said. "My old man would come get me and have you locked up."

"We're doing it in his house," I said.

"We're both minors and they can't do a thing about it."

"You're so far ahead of me it isn't funny. I can't even find the first corner, Kent."

"Don't make no difference that I'm more experienced or hornier. I'm the kid no matter how much sex I've had. It's always the old guys who get burnt. Once you're eighteen the law goes against you. Everything else is history. So you better think about it before you decide you want to come after me. I'll write and I won't be looking for anyone else to love but I can't go without sex for two years. I would be lying if I told you I could. I can't. Not even for love. That's who I am. I've never lied about it."

"Yeah, I know. There's always going to be guys like Glenn around, and I'm not going to be sitting across the table keeping you from doing what you really would like to do," I said, realizing the truth as I stirred my tea.

"I don't have anything for him. That on the bed was plenty for me. For being little he's got a mouth on him, don't he. He knows what to do, but Herbie's always got guys like that coming around. He always will. He's the Pied Piper and they love him. I can't pretend I don't want them."

"Yeah, it was pretty hot watching him. He's hot after big cock."

"He's small, probably always will be if he's actually fifteen. It's the guys with little dicks that want to feel guys with big dicks. All I got to do is shower at school and I have half a dozen guys interested in finding out how big it gets, what it would be like."

"Yeah, I bet."

"You bet but it isn't about love or emotion. It's about feeling good. I like guys wanting it. It makes me feel good. I like them playing with it. Do I want to date them? No. I want them to play with my dick. Can't you see the difference. Sex isn't love but some guys need more sex than other guys."

"It's part of love," I said.

"It exists outside of love. Look around you. You really think everyone isn't doing it every chance they get? You think they're all waiting to get married before they bonk their brains out. Get real. Most guys are after anything they can get. Guys our age more than anyone."

"I don't know. I don't know anything," I said.

"Yeah, you do too. You can play dumb with everyone else, but the truth is you want it all the time, Martin."

"Yeah, I do. I want you all the time," I said. "Does that count?"

"And you'll want someone else just as soon as I'm gone."

"I don't think so. This isn't any fun. I don't think so."

"Get real. Now you know what love is. Why wouldn't you want more of it? That's silly. It's stupid. The pain passes. Take it from a pro. I've been hung up on people everywhere I've left since I was ten. That's four moves ago."

"You just told me you never loved anyone before?"

"No, that's not exactly what I said. I've never been in love before. I've probably loved being with someone, you know, best-friends with. I always care about someone more than others. You just happened to be different from everyone else. You're so damn innocent, Martin. So damn intense. You need to get out and let yourself go. Live. Don't do what you did before."

"I won't," I said. "Greg's coming here?"

"Yeah, he wants to say goodbye to Herbie; they're best buds. They getting further and further away form each other."

"Tell me about it."

"You still like him don't you?" He said.

"What happened between you two that started the feud."

"Hey, that's Greg, not me. He's like a brother to me. Doug is like my brother. Greg and I did have a thing for awhile. I fucked up."

"You? How's that?"

"I never tell anyone about this. Doug and Herbie know because they were there. You can't repeat it."

"What?" I said, putting down my tea to listen.

"You know how Greg is with his parties?"

"I've been to my share."

"He's always getting with someone that's half-looped or all the way looped. He loves getting guys to do stuff they've never done before."

"Kent, are you going to tell me or not?"

"I fucked him on the pool table at his house."

"You fucked him?"

"He was doing it to me plenty. I was his main entertainment back when I first got here. I loved being with the King. We were pals."

"He's pissed because you did what he does?"

"I ain't the king. He's the King," he drank the rest of his tea and jingled the ice cubes, watching them shift around.

"I don't understand."

"You want a "blow-by-blow"? I should have known."

"If I can get it," I said leaning my elbows onto the table and leaning forward so I was closer to his words.

"He was drunk as a skunk, so that gave him an excuse to be mad. There wasn't anyone there when it started. I mean I did what he did," he said, seeing the images in his head as he spoke slowly. "I got up behind him while he was shooting pool balls around the table. He wasn't standing too well. I knew he was wasted. Everyone else had gone upstairs to eat. We were both in our skivvies. I started rubbing it up against his crack and he let me once he made sure we were alone. He put his arm back and held me so I was real tight against him. I reached around and felt that fucking porker of his. He started to wiggle his ass. I eased his underwear down and started to jerk him off. I kept mine on until I had him going good so he wouldn't pull away from me. You now how he is once you get him worked up. He bent way over the table and there it is. That's when he said it. "Go ahead." It was an order. It wasn't permission. He wanted it. What the fuck does go ahead mean, huh?

"I went ahead. Hell he wanted it and I knew I might never get another shot at fucking him. I never knew anyone who fucked him before. I was fucking the King and I was fucking and fucking him. I never felt like that before. I was the best. Man, I was hot but I wasn't about to let it end. I never did finish come to think of it.

"He's laying on the table his ass up in the air over one of the cushions. His underwear is down to his knees and I'm going to town on his hole. I hugged myself up over his back and put my arms around him, reaching down between his legs so I could stroke him off while I fuck him. He started moaning while I kept at him for all I was worth. The next thing I know there's five guys on the steps watching us. Someone told them that Greg's getting his brains fucked out by the little kid and you got to see the size of his dick."

"He was mad at you because he let you fuck him?"

"Said he was drunk. Said he didn't remember. Said I was a slut. Said lots of shit. Said, if I should happen to see him I should go the other way. That one killed me. I couldn't come over. I couldn't go to the parties. I couldn't speak to him. I was only thirteen and I thought he was a god."

"You didn't correct the record?" I asked.

"Nah, I had it bad for Greg. I guess that's as close to love as I came before you. I mean he's good sex and it was all about sex then, but that night, I'd never felt like that before. He shot a wad all the way across the table. I mean he cut loose like a volcano going off. Guys standing there, getting an eyeful. He couldn't say he didn't love it. Guys don't blow loads like that unless they love it and I was the one who was responsible."

"He liked it," I said.

"He loved it only until some guys started laughing. A couple were guys we didn't know that well. They knew a little about the parties and the sex. We were all still new here and they were guys he wanted to get to. They never came back to the house. There were some rumors going around the school about Greg the next week. He transferred over here right after that. Just started over. I had to do the same a week later. A group at school cornered me in the gym one day. They'd heard it was way big. They wanted a private showing. That scared the shit of me."

"He blamed you?"

"Said I took advantage of him. Believe me, I'd never have done it if I knew what it would cost me."

"Greg?"

"Greg and me having sex. He is the King, Martin. Nobody does it better."

"Better than me?" I asked foolishly.

"It's not the same. You never listen. Greg is sex. You are love. I can have sex and love sex without ever loving anyone. Having sex with you is attached to something far larger than an orgasm. But sex is still sex."

"I guess, but it's always been attached to love for me," I said.

"Yeah, right, you talk a good game. I heard some stories. About you in the TV room with my brother and Doug."

"What are you talking about?"

"People don't sleep through sex no matter if it looks like they do or not. Herbie and Doug sure don't. They're both the kind of guys who'll let you have it any way you want it. You needed to find out what they were like, right? They didn't mind and you obviously weren't confident enough to ask."

"They told you that?"

"Herbie told me the story. Doug said the same thing when I asked him about it," Kent jumped up and got the tea pitcher and filled our glasses. The front of his underwear shifted with his half erection. There was a spot of dampness near the end. He dropped two ice cubes into each of our glasses and sat back down across from me after kissing my forehead.

"I'd never been with guys before," I said, watching my fingers drum the table.

"I know. Except for Greg," Kent said. "We shouldn't forget that one."

"He told you that?"

"Doug told me. We tell each other everything, Martin. We're best friends - I trust him more than anyone."

"More than me?"

Kent sighed heavily, "Ah Martin, you are something. You know the answers but you can't resist asking the questions. I think you hope you'll get hurt. Are you addicted to pain? Is that it. I've got a whip hidden in my room."

"No!"

"Quit with the stupid questions then. I don't like anyone the way I like you. Can't you just get your arms around that and quit wanting everything all the time? I don't like anyone the way I like Doug. I like Greg different than either of you or anyone else. So sue me."

"I'm sorry."

"He knew Greg was after you. He told me about the pool table deal. I have some fond memories connected to that table myself, so I can only appreciated the story of you and him on it."

"When's Greg coming?"

"Don't know. Herbie talks to him. He's coming is all I know. He won't be coming to see me."

"Or me," I said.

"I can't figure out why you two don't get along. You're the exact kind of guy he likes. Naive as hell and horny as hell. A combination he can't resist."

"I'm not," I objected.

"Yes you are and if you don't come over here, I'm coming over there. You ever done it on the kitchen table? I can clear this shit off pretty damn quick. We never finished what we were doing when we were so rudely interrupted."

"Anything you say," I said.

"Martin," Kent said, more serious than usual. "Let's go to the end; don't quit on me now. We got two weeks. Let's use them. Please. Don't deny us that. I don't think I could handle that." His lips were moist and warm and sincere. He held me and tried to ease the growing pain that was coming from the breach that he had left in my heart.

 

Discovering Gregory

Chapter 36

Out Of My Head Over You

It started on the dining room table and moved into the bedroom the first time Glenn yelled down the stairs,

"Hey Herbie, they're doing it on the table."

He once again grabbed hold of Kent's stiff dick. I didn't get all that pissed off this time. I wasn't in the mood for sex but Kent had become more ravenous as if he could store up the love we felt for one another. Talking had all but given way to our constant lust and the resulting exhaustion that he always overcame first.

We moved to the bedroom after Herbie had come up to fetch Glenn. I knew that Kent would give Glenn what he wanted before he left. The kid was persistent and he thought as I thought. That no longer bothered me either. No, Kent had been exactly right. It ended soon after Herbie announced what was going on behind the scenes. I still wanted to hold on to whatever I could.

It was easy to feel as though Kent was now using me for orgasms. I thought about it on the way home. I thought about the dozen or two boys I knew of that Herbie had brought to the house for sex since I was going with Kent. Those are just the ones I knew about. They all brought their secret friends back the second time and Kent was always around. How many had responded to him the same way that Glenn responded to him? Kent wasn't the kind of guy that could deny himself for too long.

I didn't hold his appetite against him, but I wanted to keep him so busy there was nothing left for Herbie's minions to get. Now, it didn't seem to matter since soon he'd be free to take advantage of the results that came from the Pied Piper's magic flute. Soon there would be a line waiting to get into his bed out in some out of the way spot in California. I had him to myself for a while and it had been very, very good, but now I was left feeling more empty than ever.

I knew I was going to get it because I was even later than usual, but the light was on by the front door and my parents had already gone to bed. I spent some time lying in my bed thinking. I had no urge to whack one off and go to sleep. I mostly thought about each time Kent and I had been together. It didn't seem like enough now that I knew it was over. Some time or other between the fears of loneliness and the tears of emptiness, I went to sleep.

I must have been sleeping pretty sound because when I heard the tapping I didn't know where I was. At first it was in my dream, or I thought it was, but I knew I was dreaming it. Tap, tap, tap, after a short pause, and my dream was unable to locate any logical source for the tapping. I still wasn't sure if it was real but even in the dream it was very distinctive. Tap, tap, tap, followed by the same pause. How Poe, I thought, forcing myself awake.

It was all of a sudden that I realized it wasn't part of my dreaming at all. Fear came to me first and then I jumped up to confront the noise. I was not absolutely sure I'd find myself in my own bed but there I was. The tapping was coming from my window and the fear of the unknown was quite real.

I pulled up my blinds in one yank and there stood Kent on the far side of the glass, smiling through at me once he saw it was me. I eased open the window, checking over my shoulder for any sign of activity from outside my door.

"I forgot to tell you I loved you. I thought I'd drop by to mention that little detail."

"Kent, it's the middle of the night?"

"Yeah, little fuck is staying over. His parents left him with Herbert for safe keeping while they go on vacation. I can't imagine why they didn't take the little sex fiend. Herbie and him came to bed an hour or so ago and he wouldn't quit..., you know, boy's got a mouth on him. Then I was thinking about you and, well, here I am."

He held his arms out wide as if to present himself to me. He smiled his warmest and most endearing smile. With just moonshine for light, he was every bit as gorgeous as ever. I wanted to leap through the screen to get to him. Suddenly the emptiness was relieved if only for a little while. He couldn't stay.

"Do you have like a knife or something we can cut this screen with. I'd make it worth your while you let me in there, cutie."

"My father gets up early," I objected way too ineffectively.

"I didn't come to see your father. I'm sure he's a very nice man, you understand. What I wanted was to suck your dick."

"He always checks my room when he gets up, Kent. This isn't a good idea."

"You have guys climb in your window a lot do you? Daddy has to come run them off in the a.m.?"

"Kent, we're going to get busted."

"I'll be gone by the time he gets up," Kent promised. "Just a few minutes. I'll give you what you like. You aren't going to make me go back there so that kid can keep sucking on my dick all night, are you? I'll be good, sweet thing. I'll be reeeeeeeeeal good. I'll do whatever you like."

I liked everything with Kent. I popped out the screen after scooting my nightstand out of the way with silent ease. I placed the screen under the window so it would be easy to reinstall once my lover made his getaway. There I was in his arms, kissing him, feeling exceptionally horny and knowing how damn dangerous this was. My parents would kill him and do worse to me if they caught us.

What the fuck, I kissed him for all I was worth. If I get caught I want it to be for something worthwhile.

He had on a navy blue jacket and one of his neat button-up shirts. He kneeled in front of me and removed my entire wardrobe with one motion of his hands.

It was like magic. Was it ever? He hungered relentlessly for the essence of my life. With his fingers in my crack and my dick in his throat he got me there in nothing flat. A sudden finger thrust up into my reluctant rectum was the coup de grace. It forced me to jam my dick even deeper into his mouth and once he had retrieved and thrust it forth again, I was already lost to the explosion that shook my body and cloudy my already delirious brain. He held me up by keeping his finger strategically placed inside me. His finger did what my knees refused to do. His lips were super glued to my pubes as the tight constrictions of his throat milked me for one drop more.

I lost track of where I was and sometime during my orgasm, but somehow we ended up naked in my bed. I was still short of breath but not so short that I couldn't make love to his dick. He held me and kissed my face once I got him there and beyond. He seemed so much bigger than me when we were in my bed. We both got lost in his bed but he filled mine without any help form me.

"Fuck me," he said after a particularly long, lingering, wet kiss.

"But I just...." I explained.

"If you love me you'll fuck me right now. No just about it."

I couldn't believe what we were doing. The bed squeaked and he moaned with each loud breath he took. For some reason it was even hotter than usual. His ass hugged me and held me tight. I lost all contact with the world around me while his hole took me to heights I didn't know existed. It ended in a flurry of gasps and slams. I waited for the door to swing open and my father to appear with a shotgun. He didn't even have a shotgun, but if caught us I'd probably wish he had one.

As I lay with my face against his chest he started pumping for all he was worth. I watched his hand work himself over viciously and I felt the warm spray as he gasped and raised his hips and me off the bed as he gushed one long spurt after another until he slowly eased us both back down on the bed. He panted and breathed in squeaks and sobs.

"We're going to make love until I leave," he announced.

"But I can't just stay up there," I complained. "My parents will kill me. I've got to live here after you're gone."

"Every time we're together we'll make love until you've got to go home. You can stay the weekend, can't you? I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone, Martin. I want to go out in a blaze of glory. I never want you to forget me, okay?"

"Okay. We've got to be careful. My old man will be up soon. You should go now."

"Yeah, let's hold each other until it's time for me to go. Please! Then I'll leave."

There was only one way Kent could prove that he really loved me and he had proved it beyond any doubt I had. He had showed me he wanted to be with me and not with Glenn or any number of others. I was still sure more happened between them than he admitted to but he came to me. With Glenn and all the other kids it was sex and with me it was love. I was starting to understand that. His middle of the night visit was what I needed from him. He really cared and he needed to make sure I was okay. I loved that about him.

I didn't understand all of it but it was okay by me as long as he loved me best and last. I thought about Greg and all the boys I'd seen him with and how I loved him all that time anyway, even more because I knew how everyone wanted him. I guess it was hard to know what made someone else tick. I was glad Kent was ticking in my bed that night. I hugged him tightly and loved the feel of his chest on my face. He was developing pecs but his skin remained silken. I could listen to his heartbeat and all was right with my world as his arms held me close.

Of course we fell asleep and my face was still in the middle of his chest when I woke up. The window was open, the screen was on the floor under it, and my door was closed. It was nine thirty. My father had left for work before six. He almost always opened the door to my room to check on me once he got up. If he had opened the door that morning, he'd been too stunned to confront us.

The screen was back in its place and the window and blind closed when he got home from work. I looked for signs of anger or disdain, but I wasn't sure how that would be different from his usual indifference. After a few days I assumed that I had simply lucked out and he hadn't checked that morning. In fact I don't recall ever hearing my door opened again in the early morning hours before he went to work. Perhaps I was old enough now that he no longer needed to check on me, but I suspected he stopped opening my door for a different reason.

We didn't have much to say to each other most days if I wasn't getting yelled at for something. If he knew I was gay, he wasn't going there. I had already made up my mind that if it came I would deal with it, and if it didn't I never would. My sex life was one of the few things that belonged to me and my parents were the last people in the world that I would discuss it with.

I was aware that you weren't supposed to do it, according to the powers that be, except after you were married and then only with your wife, though there was no sign that this was the case in the world where I lived. Since I wasn't the marrying kind, I had a problem with this train of thought. There was no dispensation for us and so I felt as though I had a perfect right to make it up as I went along. If the culture around me wouldn't make allowances for my needs, I'd have no trouble finding somewhere to put it.

I knew my parents well enough to know that no matter what I felt, they'd find fault with it, and thus I had never communicated any feelings to them. Though they'd never express any interest in how I felt about anything. I wasn't about to start with, "Oh by the way, I'm a fag, if anyone's interested." We were accidents of biology and it would be rectified once I was an adult.

Even though I knew the house was empty when I woke Kent up, it was difficult getting started with him again. He had made up his mind to something and I was hoping he'd let it alone long enough for us to walk to his house. We finally got out of my house at twelve-thirty.

Of course once we had escaped the quiet empty house where I lived, we had Herbie and Glenn to deal with. They were dressed after making a trip up to the bowling alley to get some "real" food and Coke. I was sorry we hadn't been there while they were gone. Glenn once again refused to leave Kent's side unless Kent ordered him away. He'd then reluctantly skulk off, not going far for long and soon he'd be hanging on the door or some piece of furniture, watching us, ready to close in once he saw his opening.

It was still difficult for me to believe he was fifteen. I'd known some twelve year olds that would give him a run for his money in maturity and development. I also knew some eighteen year olds that acted just like he acted, but I wasn't one of them.

Glenn disappeared the following day when his parents came home. That left Kent and I since Herbie spent a lot of time out of the house one his boy had gone. Time moved way too fast for my taste. Before I knew it our last week had arrived. For a few days I had even managed to forget about losing Kent, but then I'd remember. I spent six nights at his house and the nights I didn't stay over there he showed up at my window during the night.

It was the last Wednesday morning that I came tripping into his house. We'd been talking on the phone just before I had walked over. By the time I got there they had a visitor. I charged through the front door like I always did, but stopped short when I saw him.

"Hi, Greg," I said, trying to act real casual like, and sounding anything but casual. What a dork, I thought about myself as my eyes worked him over.

"Hi, Martin. Long time. You've grown."

"I have?" I stammered self-consciously. "Yeah, long time," I added, hanging onto the corner of the couch, thinking he probably saw me the way I saw Glenn. I wanted to die for being so addled brained around him.

He seemed taller too. His hair was totally trimmed and styled so neat it was difficult to realize it was Greg. He was really tan. He wore a blue button up shirt that matched his eyes but you couldn't hide that chest and those shoulders. I couldn't any way. Under that was a white T-shirt that looked super white against his bronzed skin. His blue eyes were bluer, his teeth were whiter, and my heart fluttered, skipped beats, and suddenly stopped before pounding so hard in my ears that I thought it might burst there drums. I leaned on the arm of the couch and felt nine years old.

It was all back in two seconds. I hadn't seen him for most of a year but it didn't matter. I hated myself for loving him.

"You two talking?" I asked as Kent and him stood face to face a foot apart.

"Yeah, well, he's here to see Herbie," Kent said.

"I've grown up some, Kent," Greg corrected, glancing at Kent and then looking back toward me. "I did act pretty immature back then."

"How you doing?" He asked me in a way that sounded partially sincere as close he was to Kent he kept looking to me.

"Fine," I said, and Kent came to my side and held my hand, letting his shoulder touch mine as he leaned enough to peck my lips. I knew why I did this even though it was totally out of character for him.

"You two still... what an odd couple you are," he said in disbelief. "The two biggest pains in my butt teaming up. How weird is that? I wouldn't have a chance around here these days," Greg said casually.

"Pains in the butt for different reasons," I said in one of my stupid moments.

The atmosphere turned immediately on those clever words. The eye contact was lost as Greg checked out his feet. His tan turned an incredible blazing red. Kent squeezed my hand and stepped on my foot.

"You bastard," he said directly to Kent with as much venom as I'd seen in a while. "You too." He said directly to me, but the look could have killed. He saved the look for me. I had to bring it up. What a fucking dork.

"Hey, Greg, come on. I put on your favorite movie," Herbie yelled, standing impatiently at the top of the basement stairs. His dick stood straight out in front of him. "He likes big dicks, Gregie. He's cool about it too. Come on back down."

"I told you I've got a girlfriend, Herbert," Greg said firmly, as he turned and noticed Herbie's nakedness. "I don't need to be doing that shit any more. When are you going to grow up?"

"Grow up and forget my friends? Never, I hope. He's can be a lot of fun, dude. I bet he does things your girlfriend don't do. Come on."

"I don't know," Greg said, glancing at Kent and I, glancing at our hands again. "I might watch a few movies. I've got all day."

"You scared," Glenn said, leaning on the door jam and looking at Greg.

Greg laughed as he turned to examine the naked boy beside his best friend.

"He's a little young even for you Herbert."

"Come on, Greg. He'll sit on your lap and put a smile on that sour puss of yours. You don't ever stop liking a good smile."

"He as big as you say?" Glenn asked, turning to Herbie. "Big as him?" He said, pointing at Kent.

"Bigger," Herbie bragged for Greg. "Way thick."

"Kewl! What's the hold up?" Glenn asked.

"Come on if you're finished with them," Herbie said. "I'm sure they'll find something to do without you. They never leave each other alone. I can't even get time in my own bed these days."

"I've been finished with them for a long time," he said before turning his back and following Herbie into the basement.

"You asshole," Kent said to me. "He was talking to me and you say that shit. What's wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry. I just said it. I was flustered. I didn't know what to say to him."

"So you remind him that I fucked his brains out. That was just what you say to a long-lost friend."

"I'm sorry. It's always like that between us. I could have said, how's the weather, and we'd have gotten the same reaction. He just doesn't like me."

"Looks good, huh?" Kent said, looking to where Greg disappeared.

"I guess."

"Right! Who you kidding, Martin. You should have seen the look on your face when you saw him. I wish I had a camera."

"It's that obvious?"

"Yeah, you got it bad. You might love me but you never looked at me like that," Kent said. "Not in the light anyway."

"I'm sorry, Kent. I can't help it."

"Sorry for what? Will you cut it out already? It's okay to love people. Lord knows I've had enough wet dreams over that one."

"You have?" I asked.

"You'd have to be dead not to have dreams about Greg. I bet straight guys dream about him. He's so fucking hot. I'd go down on him in a New York minute."

"You would?"

"If you didn't love people we wouldn't love each other, Martin. It's not a perfect science. There isn't just one a piece and that's it. Don't say you're sorry for being able to love people. Don't ever say that. That's what is wrong with this world now."

I kissed him to shut him up. Him saying that did make it easier. I wanted to feel guilty for feeling what I felt for Greg while loving Kent. It just went against what people said you could feel. Maybe because I was gay I felt it more or different or something. I don't know. I know I felt it. I know it was real.

Greg left while we were in the bedroom. He didn't bother to say goodbye but Glenn was gracious enough to come in to describe Greg's dick in great detail as well as the things he discovered he could do with it. Neither Kent nor I shut him up this time. There was definitely a perverse pleasure in knowing he hadn't given up boys entirely. Greg had a girlfriend but he wasn't beyond dabbling in old activities if the offer was right. I wasn't sure how I felt but hearing about Greg made things better.

*****

We had sex twice that morning but things started to change that day. Kent wandered away from me after we ate lunch and didn't come back into the house until almost three in the afternoon. We hugged and he cried gently on my shoulder while I held him, but he couldn't talk. I cried while we held each other on the couch but neither of us could console the other's grief. In fact we were the source of one another's pain but we couldn't let go.

The end was near.

"I don't want to go," he said in a sob. I was totally cried-out.

"Me either," I said.

He cried some more and he went to play the piano. He kept his clothes on. We started out sitting together on the bench with me hugging his right arm as he played, but we ended up on opposite ends of the seat.

I had stayed over the entire weekend and didn't go home until Tuesday. We'd been engaged in sex one way or the other for the entire time. We took breaks for eating and even went for a walk on Sunday, but besides that, we were in bed the entire time those last days. I had to go home Tuesday night just so I didn't totally piss off my parents. When they asked I explained that my friend was leaving for California and that seemed to be enough for the time being. I was sure I hadn't heard the last about my chronic absence. Maybe that's when they'd tell me they knew what I was up to.

Then Wednesday there was Greg. We did end up in the bed later that day, but it was just to hold one another. We didn't even take off our shoes. He just held on tight but even in my arms it was like he had already left me. I held on because I needed to hold onto something to keep from drifting off the planet. There were no more crying jags although we couldn't look at each other without seeing tears.

We knew what was coming and we were powerless to stop it. I felt like shit. I'd never felt as bad as I felt those final two days. Wednesday night I left his house at ten and at midnight he was climbing in my window. There was no sex. Sex could no longer keep out the reality that was rushing toward us.

There was no talking, all the words had been said. There was a lot of holding. We held each other tighter but it didn't help. He escaped Wednesday night while I was asleep. I closed the window and put the screen back when I got up. I looked in the yard in amongst the shrubs for him. He wasn't there.

"I'll go with you," I said on Thursday afternoon after a day of silence.

"Right! Country boy meets the highway. You'd last about an hour before someone raped your ass and left you for dead. It's a long way to California."

"I don't care. I won't stay here without you. Your old man is never home. He'll never know. I'll hitch out and live at your house."

"You're about helpless, Martin. You didn't know which end was up until you met me. I could make it because I've been out in the world. I love you sweetie, but you're from fucking Hooterville, and you don't know jack-shit. Stay here. Finish school. You can come out next year if you want. Don't give in, and make it worse than it is."

"Stay here? After I've been with you?"

"We'll write. We'll figure it out. We're just too damn young to go on our own. We're too damn young to be this much in love."

"Why, because no one else wants us to be in love?" I asked.

"I don't know. Don't start with all those questions again. It just is, Martin. That's what's wrong with you. You always want an answer. There isn't always an answer to everything. We love each other and if we tell anyone, so they don't separate us, they're going to lock our asses up, especially they're going to lock your ass up. Now I could do quite well in jail. Probably would even enjoy a little time with a lot of horny boys, but you'd never make it. Now quit talking stupid."

"You can have anyone you want. You're handsome, hung, and horny all the time. You'll find someone else," I said with certainty. "There's only two people I've ever loved. One hates me and the other one is leaving me."

There was no reply. It wasn't a question. I wasn't supposed to ask questions. We held hands but not each other. I left early Thursday evening and he didn't come that night but I knew he wouldn't. I called Friday morning early and his father answered the phone. He was already there for him and that meant I couldn't go to say goodbye. It was anti-climatic at best.

"He's here already," Kent said when he picked up the phone. "We have an earlier flight than he told us. He has a buddy who is flying a C-130 out to Edwards at ten-hundred hours. You can't come up. He'll freak if you come up. He knows what to look for, Martin, and he'll read you like a book. Please don't come over. I'm sorry. I thought we'd have time."

I went and sat on the corner across the street from Kent's street as soon as I hung-up at seven fifteen. It was after nine when I saw them getting into the car. Kent never looked down to where I sat and I was disappointed there wouldn't even be a last look.

The car backed out of the driveway, creeping down the street toward me. I sat holding my knees to my chest and fighting back the tears that now flowed freely. I looked through the window and could only see Herbie seated in the front seat. As the car turned, Kent was kneeling on the back seat, looking out of the back window and our eyes met. He waved and kept our eye contact.

He had a long, sad face and didn't smile. He just looked at me until they turned onto Old Highway. I lay back on the still cool grass and cried and cried. How could he do this to me? How could he leave me? I hated my life. I hated everyone.

I wandered all day. I don't have a clue where I went. I remember being at all the places where we'd had sex in the woods. I went to the bowling alley and drank a soda and picked at a plate of greasy fries covered in ketchup. I was at El Rancho toward dark and had more soda. It was way dark when I finally went home. I made sure I didn't cry the last hour or two. My parents grumbled and I went to bed.

I slept for the entire weekend and my parents wanted to know if I was sick. How could I tell them just how sick I was? "Dearest mother and father, my heart has been shattered and I no longer wish to live in this shitty world." That would go over well. Right!

I spent more time at home that weekend than I had spent there in the past month but I wouldn't call it quality time. My parents were sure that I was sick but the kind of doctor I needed, they knew they couldn't afford.

Doug showed up Monday morning to shake me out of my malaise and he had heard from Herbert. There was a message from Kent, who thought that calling my house was a bad idea.

We ended up at Doug's house and just watched television. His mother gushed all over me when she came home from work. She insisted I stay for dinner. Doug insisted I stay the night. Doug's father came home late and regaled us with one of his stories about his boyhood on the reservation. That laugh even had me laughing even though I didn't want to laugh. Okay, so life wasn't without value or neat people that cared about me, but I hated it just the same.

"Where's Cheryl, Dougie," I asked, after we had spent the entire day together and he hadn't mentioned her one time. We were working on the second bowl of Butter Pecan Ice cream his mother had brought us.

"She's in Rhode Island with her parents. Won't be back for a week," he said.

God, how great it was sleeping in Greg's bed. It was pretty amazing that I could still smell him on the pillows. It actually comforted me until I was rudely awakened when the lights came on and Doug's mom was standing in the middle of the bedroom appearing lost. At first I was sure she was walking in her sleep.

As I squinted in an effort to get my eyes open, there was this godawful look on her face. A chill ran through me and I was scared to the bone.

"Mom!" Doug yelled, jumping up out of his bed to hold his mother. "what's happened?"

"It's Greg honey, your brothers been in an car accident. Dougie, it's bad, hon. Your father thought he should go alone. He's in the operating room over at Falls Church. Your father's wants him over at the base hospital."

"What happened?" Doug asked, stepping back as his mother held both of her hands up to her mouth. She looked aimlessly around as she spoke. She seemed lost in her house.

"He got hit by a car. His friend said he just didn't see it. It was an accident is all."

"When can I see my brother?" Doug asked.

"We should wait for your father to call. He's been in the operating room most of the night. There's no sense in sitting there. We can wait here."

The coffee flowed and we sat silent at the dinning room table staring at the phone. It rang any number of times and Doug's mom snatched it up on the first ring each time.

"Hello. Yes. Yes," she said, hanging up the phone. "He's out of the operating room and in the ICU. Your father has made arrangements to have him air-lifted to the base hospital once he's stabilized."

"Can't we go, mom. I want to see my brother," Doug sobbed.

"No, dear. He'll be over here in a few hours."

"Mom!" Doug disagreed.

"Oh, Martin, this must be terrible for you. You want me to drive you home?"

"No, ma'am. I want to see him too."

"Of course you do. He'd like that. You should really come around more often. We've missed you, Martin," she said in that soft, haunting voice I'd woken up to.

"Yes, ma'am," I said. "I will."

I wondered if he would like it. He blew a gasket every time I was around him. I certainly didn't want to make matters worse by upsetting him while he was hurting. My broken heart was now tattered as well. I'd lost one lover and now it looked as though there was real danger that I could be losing the other.

We sat staring at each other and at the phone. It rang an hour later and after another pot of coffee. Doug's mom snatched it up. She said nothing and fumbled while trying to hang it up. I took it and put it down for her, waiting for the news. Her pale face had gone gray.

"Mom!" Doug yelled at her.

"Oh, he's hemorrhaging in his chest, and they have him back in the operating room. He's lost a lot of blood, and is very weak.  They've GOT to stop the bleeding."

I thought about the first time I had ever seen Greg on the gravel road just over from my house. I remember how just seeing him had totally changed the focus of my life. I really hadn't been alive until I met him.

I thought about how good he had looked when I had seen him at Kent's. I cringed when I remembered what I had said to him to piss him off that time. I always found a way to piss him off no matter what I said. It still tore me up to know he was hurting. I wondered if it could get any worse and I didn't dare think it could.

We waited as daylight started to invade the dinning room through the large windows beside the table that looked out on the big oak tree in the middle of the horseshoe driveway.

 

Discovering Gregory

Chapter 37

What Are You Doing Here?

I called my parents at eight a.m. to tell them I wouldn't be home for awhile.

"Dad, it's me. My friend Greg was in an accident last night. I'm staying up with his mom and brother until we know something."

"Maybe it isn't a good time to be crowding those folks," he said.

"He's my friend and I can't leave until we know," I said raising my voice to emphasize we weren't bargaining.

"How bad is it?"

"It's bad. I'm staying until we know one way or another."

I didn't want to talk any more and I hung up. Neither Doug nor his mother reacted to any of my words. Reactions were impossible. We all knew what we were doing and saying the words didn't change it.

The vigil by the phone continued. It rang periodically and Doug's mom would give us short updates. He was in the recovery room. He was back in the ICU. He slipped into a coma during the operation but they let it happen so his vital signs would stay at low ebb. They thought the internal bleeding had been located and stopped. He was being monitored. His vital signs were weak but no longer life-threatening. Considering the circumstances, he was holding his own.

And so it went. They gave us nothing but slim and slimmer to go on for most of that morning. Time crawled agonizingly slow. The delightful mother I had come to love and enjoy was spent completely. Measured movements were all that was left of this good-time girl. Doug stared at nothing and said as much. I tried to stop my brain so I could get off this ride that had gone out of control. I went over the words I could not possible conceive or ever accept.

Each time the phone rang we all jumped three feet, starring at the black interrupter as his mother scooped the phone up before the 1st ring even finished. Then we sat helpless until she gave us whatever news had come. At ten the game started to turn in favor of the home team.

The message grew positive. He was strong. He was healthy. He was fighting. A base helicopter was at the ready waiting to take him there. All they need was some indication that he had gained enough strength to endure the eighteen-minute flight. The day was crystal-clear and flying-window was open wide. At noon his father called and said his vital signs had strengthened and even though he still wasn't strong enough for transport, he thought a visit would be a good idea.

"Come on boys," Doug's mother announced, dabbing at her eyes and stashing half a Kleenex box full of tissue into her pocketbook.

We didn't need to wait for her to explain where it was we were going. We climbed into the big baby-blue Ford and we were off, tires squealing on the asphalt of Old Highway once she launched us out of their lane. I sat in the backseat and I was grateful for it. At first Doug rested his face and arm on the back of the seat with his back against the door, facing his mom. We said nothing but his soft blue eyes stayed on me as we sped along. He reached into the back seat and held my hand. No one said a word. There was nothing to say.

Doug's father had aged ten years since the night before but he still stood tall in his uniform. As we stood at the foot of the bed holding his wife's hands he went through the list of procedures that had been performed on their son during the night and morning. I stopped listening once it got too complicated to understand and too scary to conceive. Doug didn't listen at all and sat in the chair by the left side of Greg's bed and held his brother's hand, placing his cheek upon it and closing his eyes. He seemed to be speaking to him every now and again but I heard no words.

Greg's face was cut and bruised but completely intact albeit swollen. One side of his head had some hair lose from where it had hit the ground and there was an abrasion there. Both of his legs were strung up like nothing I'd ever seen. They were wrapped in white gauze from his ankle until they disappeared where the sheet covered his crotch.

There were boops and beeps from various machines he was plugged into. He was very pale. I was told that came from the blood loss and that he would get some of his color back before the hospital pallor would take hold. His beautiful neatly styled golden hair was matted to his head and looked dirty brown. He was quiet, more quiet than I had ever seen him. This made it seem like it really wasn't Greg but an imposter. There had been a mistake. It was some horrible joke someone had played, but jokes don't hurt like that. There was only one reality and I was looking at it against my will.

The one thing his father said that registered big time with me came after the long technical explanation he went through, "He's going to live. It's not going to be easy, getting him back the way he was, but he'll live."

"Thank God," his mother said with incredible relief, and they hugged and she cried on her husband's broad blue shoulder. They disappeared into the next cubical as she all but collapsed in his arms. When she came back her eyes were clear of tears, her posture had greatly improved, and a slight smile had won the day. She finally went to her son's side. I kept my distance.

Going to the opposite side of the bed from Doug, she kissed Greg's cheek and pushed the hair up off his forehead. "You're momma's here, baby. You rest easy. You're going to be fine. They're taking good care of you."

"He is," Doug said, looking up for the first time with tears welling up in his eyes. He held his brother's hand with both of his.

"He's going to live, Doug. He's got a lot of work a head of him but he'll live."

I couldn't get near the bed. I didn't want to see anything I hadn't already seen. It was difficult to admit it was Greg. I certainly wouldn't have recognized him if I didn't know it was him. The nurse came and ordered us to break it up, holding the door open while waiting for obedience.

"They'll be leaving in a few minutes," the Colonel said in stern words.

"Yes, Colonel," the nurse replied. "He shouldn't be excited. We only allow one visitor at a time in the ICU." She said the letters like we had entered a shrine. I suppose it was a temple to the Gods that did their miracles and saved lives, but if they were all that hot why wasn't Greg up, walking, and talking to us?

"He's in a coma. He'll be fine. He needs his family right now," he said, escorting the nurse to the other side of the door. "We'll call you if we need your assistance, and thank you for your concern."

It sounds a little funnier now than it was then, but there was no doubt who was in command in his son's room. He would not leave Greg's side until he was safely in the hands of people the Colonel trusted implicitly. He wanted him at the base where he could be advised and consulted every step of the way.

It was our only visit to Virginia and if the ride there had been at hyper speed, the ride back was at a snails-pace. Everyone passed us. I kept leaning forward thinking my weight might assist the lumbering car.

We had stayed an hour before returning to the house. Doug's mom began to putter in the kitchen while I sat at the dinning room table, helping Doug look out at the horseshoe driveway. The next thing I knew there were ham sandwiches, pickles, chips, and root beer sitting in front of me. Doug's mom patted my shoulder reassuringly and when I looked at her, she gave me a weak smile. I gave it back as best I could muster.

I ate the food because I felt obligated after she'd gone through the trouble of fixing it but I had no appetite and in spite of what was said, I was still numb.

The next thing I knew she was cleaning house. First it was the kitchen and then she took each room, one at a time. All day long she banged and clanged and even hummed as she vacuumed, dusted, picked up, and did general house maintenance until after dark. Doug and I didn't move until it was the last place to clean.

Even though we had been reassured, each time the phone rang after that, everything in the house stopped. We all waited apprehensively until she spoke the caller's name and title, Aunt Jane, Cousin Fred, or one of Doug's mother's many worried friends. They all had to call once they heard the news. Once she announced the caller's name for us, we could breathe again, but only a little. My heart stopped on each ring. They hadn't made a believer out of me yet.

I took a shower after we ate dinner. It was already dark but I don't know what time it was. I cried while I washed. It seemed safe. I was happy and yet I felt bad all over, almost sick at my stomach. I went to the dresser in their room and got one of Greg's old T-shirts that he'd left behind and a pair of his white boxers. I lay in his bed after taking the pillow cases off his pillows. I was immediately embraced by his smell. It was an instant sedative and I drifted off for the first time since forever. I slept in his arms.

This was hard time for all of us, not that we still feared he'd die on us, but being away from him, not being able to get to him, touch him, speak to him at a time when we knew he needed us, that made the time endless. He was all that was on my mind and all my dreams were full of him.

I needed to be with Greg more now than any time since we'd met. I don't know why. I was sure he would dismiss me as well as my attention as soon as he awoke from his coma. We were oil and water the two of us. I don't know why, but when we got together, it always made a big fucking mess, but just as I knew that, I also knew I loved him and was in love with him. I'd never be able to deny that again. No matter where he went or what he did, I'd love him until the day I died.

How stupid was that?

I felt Doug get in bed with me. I was only sure it was him because of his smell. I didn't completely wake up. He always smelled just like fresh morning dew and it filled my nose as soon as I felt him. He hugged himself to my body and clung to me all night.

I always wanted to know Doug better but every time I was around him I found something else that I never knew before and then I knew I didn't know him at all. He was so sensitive that anything could hurt him, only he had learned early to hide that behind a façade of bravado that his brother forced on him.

Then there were those moments when Doug was completely vulnerable to the forces around him. This was such a time and he found safety inside my arms. Just then, being there for him, helped me get through it. I did love Doug. I think everyone loved Doug back then. If anyone could be loved it was him.

There was a similarity between Doug and Herbie that I realized. They both wanted to be whatever you wanted them to be. Herbie was a little more immature about it, but he was only a little boy, caught in a time warp that he might never breach, but that was who he was to all of us. Doug was putty in your hands once he gave himself to you. That did make the real Doug difficult to find but it made him no less sweet or pleasing. He did not give himself to everyone, but when he did give himself to you, you believed he was yours, even if it was only meant to get him or you through a long, dark nightmare.

We were waiting on the tarmac next to the emergency entrance when the helicopter arrived two days later. First the Colonel stepped out, straightening his uniform, and then he supervised Greg's unloading and the trip inside. We were escorted into the waiting room until they got him settled into the ICU. I did notice his color had improved slightly but the bruises were way worse. His face looked puffy and the swelling had gotten worse. Both of his eyes were now black. He looked like a very untalented boxer.

A tall doctor in a long white coat came into the waiting room with clipboard in hand but he never looked at it. The Colonel stood and shook his hand and they called each other by name while exchanging big warm smiles.

"He's developing fluid on his lungs. We'll start him on antibiotics immediately to take care of that. Pneumonia would be one of the big concerns at this stage. It's always a possibility. Our biggest concern now is the left leg. We'll do all we can to save it. Tissue, arterial, and muscle damage is extensive. They did good work over there and we've got all the latest film, so we're right up to speed with all of his treatment so far. We'll pick right up like he was here all the time. The team has already been appraised of everything until the time the helicopter lifted off and we are ready to pick up where they left off.

"Everything else is manageable as I see it. We'll have to keep him heavily-sedated for now. We don't want him experiencing too much pain. It's just time we're looking at now. We'll take it a step at a time and we'll get him back as close to the way he was as is medically possible. A lot will be up to him."

"What about the coma?" Doug asked. "How long before I can talk to him?"

"That's up to him as well. We'll keep him sedated but he'll wake up in his own time. He had quite a blow to his head and that needs constant monitoring. Concussions can be tricky. He lost a lot of blood as well. These are factors beyond our control at this point. The body is inconsistent in reacting when it comes to things like that. One guy'll bounce right back in a few days, another guy'll have long term disabilities from a similar injury and may never fully recover."

"He'll bounce," Doug said with conviction.

"Yeah, he will," the doctor said with a wide smile. "I have no doubt he will. Well, time for me to get busy. We'll have specialists look at him over the next few days. They'll want to start treatment right away. He's going to be here awhile, so don't get impatient because healing will take time. We want to give him whatever time he needs."

"What ever it takes," Doug's mom said.

*****

No one asked me when I was leaving their house. Doug stayed by my side constantly, so he had already announced where he stood on the subject. The morning after Greg was transferred, Doug's mom woke us up because she had prepared sausage, biscuits, and scrambled eggs. She said nothing about us being in Greg's bed. I felt really guilty but Doug told me to lighten up. I suppose people are still telling me that. There might be something in it.

Each day we trekked to Greg's hospital room. At first he only looked worse, but then his color did start to return and the bruises were fading and the puffy face started to give way to the strong handsome features that were undeniably Greg. His mom and Doug talked to him, sometimes incessantly. I kept my distance and never went near the bed, just in case my smell was as recognizable to him as his was to me. There were other reasons I stayed well beyond the foot of his bed. I'm not sure what they were. It was just hard for me to see him like that.

The doctor came in a couple of days while we were there, but it was only the three of us, the Colonel had become invisible and I suspected he was staying on the base and visiting all night when no one else was there for his son. We'd all lightened-up and Doug's mom was returning to work on Monday. Everything looked good, his leg was responding and there was nothing to do but wait.

I road with his mother onto the base the Monday she went back to work. It had been a little over a week since the accident. She dropped me at the snack bar where I could eat without I.D. and wait until visiting hours.

I was immediately accosted by Attila, The Nurse. She demanded to know who I was. She wanted I.D. damn quick or it was off with that day's visit. I assured her I was neither an enemy agent or a commie bastard. I guess I wasn't too convincing. Timing being what is, the doctor in the long white coat was at that instant hurrying down that very hallway.

"Oh, nurse, you know who he's looking for? We moved him into a private room last night," the doctor explained to her and suddenly she was this delightfully warm and empathetic servant of the masses.

"I was just trying to determine who he was. He doesn't seem to have his I.D. and there are rules," she advised the doctor in a sugar sweet voice.

"Yes, he's the brother of the double fracture we've moved into the last room earlier. You are up to speed on that or should I get you there right here?"

"No, I know the patient's history and condition, Doctor."

"Good! Now, you see to it that he's shown his brother's room and I'm sure there won't be any more complications about who he is and why he needs to spend time with his brother any time he likes?"

"Of course not doctor. I'll post the order."

"That's very good nurse. Now, I've got another patient if we're through here?"

"Yes, Doctor."

The doctor's voice was neither sweet nor empathetic. In fact he seemed a bit on the ticked-off side. He knew Nurse Attila better than she thought he did, and suddenly I was a VIP and due some respect. Thanks Doc! Being Greg's brother wasn't the worst thing I'd been called. I kinda liked the sound of it.

There was morning light that shined in the room from the sun rising on the east side of the building. It was kind of sterile but it was a hospital. There were several chairs and a folding cot leaning on the wall beyond the bed. There were two Colonel's uniforms hanging in the otherwise empty closet. There was a shaving kit on the sink in the bathroom.

Greg was silent, lying on his back, strung up like a side of beef. The sheet was tucked up into his crotch. His chest was bare and he was breathing on his own. I stood looking at him for a long time. I thought about the times we'd been together. I thought about that 1st day on the gravel road. I wanted to talk to him to hear his voice, but that wasn't going to happen.

I stayed most of the day so that all the personnel would get a gander at me. When they asked what I was doing there, I invoked the doctor's name as well as Nurse Attila. No one questioned me a second time. Just before five I walked out of the hospital and went directly for the back gate that emptied out just behind Route 5 and less than a mile from Greg's house.

That night when Doug's mom came home, she had a temporary base ID for me that she'd gotten from Civilian Personnel where she worked. Low and behold, my picture was on it and I was identified as a visiting civilian. It was good for ninety-days. The picture was one that had been taken in the mountains at their weekend house. I remembered it and how good things were down there.

"Now, if you have any trouble, here's the Colonel's phone numbers and the location of his offices. Heaven help anyone that wants to test him on this."

"Thanks! How did you...?"

"Connections, Martin. You know people who know people," she chucked and hugged me, making me feel I was still welcome even if I was sleeping with her youngest son. I'd never slept with anyone I wasn't doing it with until then.

The second day Doug went with me and he had proper I.D. but no one asked and once we were in the room, a steady stream of corpsman and nurses came through the room. I didn't take much note of the nurses, but a couple of the corpsman were good-looking enough to have gotten me there pretty quick. I bit my tongue when I thought about crap like that, but it didn't stop me from thinking the thoughts.

I did finally sit down on the heating system under the window. It was one of those long skinny boxes like they had in school. We were getting full time air-conditioning but I suspect it furnished heat as well. Doug left after awhile and said he would catch me at the house. I guess he walked or hitched or something.

Doug went with me again on Wednesday and we sat on either side of his bed. Doug talked to him about stuff Greg would recognize. Some of it was pretty personal and told me more about brotherly love. I didn't have much to say but Doug insisted I talk anyway, so he'd know I was there. I wasn't sure that was the best idea, but Doug wasn't to be denied. His face remained expressionless, although he got better-looking each day. At least I hadn't killed him.

On Thursday Doug left after an hour and I was going to leave but something held me next to the bed. I remembered my first meeting with Greg and I'm sure he saw it from a slightly different perspective since he had Alfie in toe and I was just hindering him getting with him. I confessed everything to him, my instant love, my instant erection, and my desire to know him. It was the fabled first-love for me, although without any reward or reciprocation that didn't come with massive amounts of insult and injury.

Then I got mad and told him what a prick he was. How he twisted my heart and didn't even have the courtesy to remove it from my chest beforehand. There was no response. He seemed so still and lifeless. Just one insult, one wisecracking comment meant to zing and sting my sensitive side was all I wanted from him. I'd settle for that but he gave me silence, which was even worse.

There were collective visits on the weekend and talk of a Sunday drive to the mountains, and I might have gone, but I didn't want to enjoy anything until he was back. On Monday we started the entire routine over again. The doctors were optimistic, we were cautious, and Greg remained, "non-responsive to stimulus." Now everyone talked to him but to no avail and the doctors couldn't say when.

On Monday I went alone. Doug was coming later. The Colonel was still there, tying his tie. The cot was out, unmade and he was late.

"He had a restless night. I'm glad someone will be here."

"I come every day," I said.

"I know. They keep a record at the nurses station. You're a good friend, Martin. Greg's lucky to have a friend like you."

For the first time since early on in this ordeal, I wanted to cry. The Colonel disappeared without ceremony and I sat by the bed, kicked my feet up on the air conditioner and watched the world roll past out on the street in front of me. From time to time I made a comment about this car or that. Just before I was going to go eat, I reminded him about that day next to the river when I finally told him the way I felt about him. I told him how he ripped my heart out every time I tried to tell him about my feelings. It was one of the things that always pissed me off and now I could express it. He was a captive audience.

"Do you ever shut up," he said once I had shut up.

"What?"

I leaped up and leaned over to look at his mouth. He spoke to me. I was sure of it.

"Will you fucking shut up so I can sleep."

"You're awake."

"Yeah, thanks to you."

"Glad to be of some help."

What the fuck are you doing here," he said in words that had me smiling and crying.

"I don't know. Waiting for you I guess."

"What are you crying about?"

"I don't know."

"Jesus, Martin, you're so lame."

"I know," I cried and laughed.

"You never did know much," he said weakly, blinking his eyes and looking around. "I was dreaming about you before," he said. "Sit down, will ya. Makes me dizzy looking up at you."

"Okay."

I sat down and his hand moved on top of my hand. I held it and he closed his fingers in mine like that's where he wanted them.

"Don't go," he said softly. "I'll be good. I promise. Just don't leave me alone, okay."

"Greg! Don't go back to sleep," I said.

"Why not. I'm really tired, Martin. You're always contrary to everything I do. Just leave me alone and let me sleep a minute, I'll be fine."

"Greg! You've been asleep for two weeks."

"What? No one sleeps for two weeks."

"You're in the hospital. You got hit by a car," I said and his eyes opened completely at last.

"I am? I did?"

"Yeah, you been in a comma. You really had us scared," I said, crying again.

"You know you're a drama queen?" Greg sighed.

"Yeah, I guess so, but you're a bastard," I said, still a little ticked off about the deal at the river and how he made me feel that day.

"What a thing to say to a guy what's been hit by a car," he said in a sardonic voice.

"What are friends for?" I said.

"We? Friends, Martin? I wonder about that sometimes."

"I don't know what you call it. I love you and that's what I call it. I don't know about friends."

"I'm not very nice," he said softly.

"I know," I agreed.

"I dreamt about that day we met over by your house. How you looked at me. You wanted me bad. Nobody ever wanted me that bad."

"I did not," I lied.

"Yeah you did. That look on your face. It was like you'd seen... you'd seen...."

"God!" I said.

He said nothing but he squeezed my hand in a way that told me he knew exactly what I had seen in him back then.

I picked up the phone off the floor by the cot and dialed the number that I kept wrapped around my official government ID card.

"Colonel Martin, I've just been talking to your oldest son."

With in two minutes all hell broke loose. First it was doctors and then corpsman and nurses. They came and poked and prodded the angry boy. He fought them and wanted to be left alone, but they would have none of it or his saucy mouth. He was without power here and I winced and felt queasy about some of the stuff that was done to him.

Greg was back and happiness once more came to their house and into my heart. It was a welcome relief and I was there to see it all.

I did love him so.

 

Discovering Gregory

Chapter 38

On The Second Day

 

...And so it was that Greg was born again into a surreal world of doctors and unspeakable intrusions that he had no control over. It was a mellow and sleepy boy who thought long and hard in-between his seldom-complete sentences, but most of those came only in single words. I tried to be there to answer each call.

"Water."

"Ice."

"My pillow."

"Ice."

"Ice."

"More ice."

"Could I get some ice... Please?" He broke out in a flurry of words but then he fell silent as I scooped the ice from the bucket that was kept on the nightstand beside his bed. I spooned it gently between his dried and cracking lips as he let it melt icy cold on his tongue. I would stand obediently beside him, spooning more until he refused.

Mostly he was quiet and then there were the times I would find his eyes on me. Usually this came when I wasn't paying much attention to anything in particular. The sounds of the hospital were mutant noises coming and going from near by and from great distances. They had no connection to the inside of the room where I waited, and my mind was elsewhere when it wasn't there. It was when his eyes were on me, and after I discovered them, then came a soft request.

One morning I was standing at the window, looking out at the silent world beyond the glass. I absent mindedly looked over my shoulder at him, which I often did, and it was while still being caught up somewhere inside my own head that I noticed Greg was looking at me.

His wide-open eyes were on me, but he had nothing to say. He blinked a few times after I found his big azure jewels sparkling with the help of the light of the new morning's light. Soon he was sleeping again.

I knew by the look in his eyes that he had yet to grasp his circumstances. All of this was turned totally topsy-turvy when the doctors and nurses arrived. They'd poke and prod until they got him to speak. He would become belligerent, hurling obscenities and fighting them off with the only good arm he had left. They'd yell their questions at his ear, demanding an answer, but he had nothing for them but a thousand epithets. For the most part they seemed undeterred by the combatant and left buzzing over whatever it was they had found. Peace and quiet would come back to the room as he slept. Rarely did they speak to me and I was never asked to leave for these inquisitions.

I guessed good drugs can do that for you and there was talk among the doctors that the drugs were too good and administered too frequently to promote good health. I always winced in fear when considering that they might leave him in serious pain because they feared he might like the drugs so many people already loved. The image of them leaving him to suffer in their efforts to save his soul had me wanting to strangle them. Then someone would remind the worrier about the severity of the damage to the leg and how important it was that the patient stay quiet until the healing was well underway.

This conversation was always ended with the dire warning, "We aren't out of the woods on this thing yet. A little too much drugs will be the least of our worries if that infection gets out of control."

That would be followed by severe head shaking and then hands tweaking chins before a complete investigation of the color and temperature of Greg's seamed thigh was undertaken anew and in silence, leaving me to guess what it all meant. After much soul searching, the "current regimen should be continued", was agreed to by all.

The words served to remind me that Greg wasn't out of the woods yet and therefore my vigil would continue. Until I knew him and all his working parts were going to be restored in some way, I had to stay close to him. I knew it wasn't for him, no matter how much I loved him. My life couldn't go anywhere until I was sure that he was okay, and I knew he'd never be okay like he was, but I hoped he'd be okay enough to get on with his life in some way that meant something to him.

Attila the Nurse, being true to form, continued to objection to me presence during morning and afternoon rounds, but the doctors dismissed her and her concern, they could take it from there and they were sure she had more important "duties" to attend to. I recognized the tone in their voices. It sounded like Greg's father speaking and I wonder if he had spoken to them about me. They mostly ignored me and only one doctor inquired out of the blue one morning, "Don't you have a home, son?" He had waited for the other doctors to exit the room before asking me. I smiled but didn't reply.

Attila always had a glare for me and she followed me with her eyes when our paths crossed. I was on her turf and she hated the thought that she had no control over me. It's the little victories that make your day. I liked her too and I waved my temporary ID at her face for inspection each time I passed the nurses station. I don't think she was amused.

I found looking at Greg to be reassuring. His color had come back even though his brown face had turned back to a much lighter brown and than the last time I had seen him healthy. There wasn't much activity when I was there during the day. By the time I left, so I could be home in time for dinner to keep peace in my house, no one else had come to visit. This surprised me because I could see the distress on his father's face and I knew how anguished his mother was, but they knew it was a matter of rest and time now. They trusted the doctor's opinion.

I didn't trust the doctors that said Greg was out of danger. Even when I was there visiting the sleeping boy, they came in, unwrapped his left leg, and stood as though they'd never seen a left leg before. They checked under it and on top, testing the stitches that seemed to be all that held the leg to the boy. They read over his chart and contemplated the form before them. I listened to the comments but learned little or nothing I didn't already know from other doctors and earlier visits, and his room would go quiet again for me to consider all the possibilities while listening to him breath.

I'd some time wake up to the conversations, dozing off in the chair beside the bed.

"I don't like the color," one said each day.

"Seems to be getting adequate blood flow," another would reply, checking all around the leg that was strung up conveniently for their observations.

"We've got to stop that infection. I don't like the color. Why don't we try that new antibiotic? We've had some success with it. We can't lose control of that infection. The leg is still fragile."

"Nonsense, coloration is getting better every day. You worry too much. We need to let it continue to heal. It's going to be fine with the way we're handling it," the older of the two men said, feeling up into the upper reaches of his thigh. "It's warm but let's watch it and continue with this course of treatment. We might start easing up on the sedatives later in the week."

"Yes, sir," came the subservient reply and they turned and were gone.

I recognized most of the faces by the end of the first week. There were different sets of doctors. They came in pairs and in teams. The gist of their conversations was always the same with tiny caveats being all that separated one visit from another.

"How long is he going to sleep?" I asked one day when I was particularly bored and had heard the same comments several days in a row.

"He's a pretty sick young man. The drugs keep him out of it. We feel that's best. I know it doesn't make for very good company, but in a few days we'll let him come around," a particularly youngish doctor said after the rest had departed the bedside. He had lingered behind, making a question possible, and I suspected it was his intention to appease me.

"He going to be alright?" I asked, not knowing enough to ask anything more direct. "It's hard to tell from what you guys say."

"We're doing all we can. His leg was barely on him when he got to the emergency room after his accident. They had to reattach nerves, vessels, muscle, tissue. It took almost eight hours just to get it back where it belonged. Major major surgery involved. It'll be a year before he's anywhere near like he was. Maybe longer but this is the most important time. Letting him build his strength. He's a tough kid."

"What's it all mean?" I asked. "Is he going to be alright or isn't he?"

"It's going to be awhile before we know if everything is okay. It seems okay but we've got to let it do its thing. You come every day?" He said, trying to change the subject on me.

"Yes," I answered, resisting the altered course.

"You must really like him."

"Yes," I said, wondering what he meant by that crack.

"We'll do all we can. He's got the best doctors on his case. He should be okay. We just don't know everything. There just aren't as many answers as there are questions at this point. You'll have to wait like the rest of us. If everything goes well, he'll be almost as good as new. Maybe a small limp. Like I said, it's early."

You must really like him, I thought as he went for the door. Was I that obvious to everyone? No, I don't really like him. I just sit by bedsides of guys I don't really like because my life is so boring and I've got nothing else to do with it. What kind of a question was that?

It was getting dark as I walked home the night of the doctor's big question. It had started me thinking about why I was sitting by Greg's bed. Sure, I really liked Greg, and I couldn't wait for him to get back closer to normal so we could start fighting again.

I don't know whom I was trying to kid but it was apparent it wasn't the doctor who asked the question. Maybe that's why Nurse Attila didn't like me. I loved him and I'd do anything to be with him, even sit by his bed while he slept. I was a fool and there was nothing like a fool in love. It didn't really matter what any of the thought, but it did matter what I thought.

I knew it went beyond those simple realities. So far being gay had been like riding a Brahma Bull. All I heard and knew told me it was a curse and if that wasn't bad enough, realizing I was gay and willing to have lots of sex with lots of different people was. It left me back where I started, literally, mooning and lusting over Greg and caring more about him than I cared about myself. I didn't have a life now and I wouldn't until I knew he was okay.

I had a secret I wanted to keep and a dick that wasn't about to let me keep it. Every chance I got I used it on someone, almost anyone. I couldn't remember ever turning down anyone when it came to sex. I was never like that before I met Greg. I didn't want to be with anyone but Greg, but then I was with everyone but Greg. I wasn't a very nice person but i was very horny, and even walking got me going, or maybe it was thinking about Greg.

I knew that it was too late to take back any of the things I'd done. There was no way to undo what I knew and felt and especially there was no way to undo the experiences I'd had with too many guys. I remembered every single experience and I even remembered near misses when I almost did something but didn't because something kept it from happening. I would tell myself I wasn't going to do it any more and then I did it anyway. I lacked any sign of self-control once my dick got hard.

I vowed to myself that this time it would be different. I wasn't going to do it just because I could. I wouldn't respond to every offer I got with an erection if it wasn't an erection that precipitated the incident in the first place. I wasn't going to have sex with anyone, not even Greg, if he should ask. This time I was determined to be in control of myself. Walking along in the fresh evening air made me feel in control. I felt invincible as I sorted it all out in my brain. I'd wait for Greg and if didn't work out this time, I'd move on for good.

The only difficulty with this frame of mind was that I liked sex a lot. I thought about sex a lot, even walking on the dark shoulder of a road. I'd found something I enjoyed doing and I seemed to be pretty good at it though I had little or no training. When I was doing it or after I was done doing it I no longer felt empty or alone and that was worth it even if I didn't love doing it.

As much as I would have liked to go back to the way it was before I discovered sex, it was too late for that. I knew what it felt like. I knew how great it was to experience it with another human being. It was something larger than I was. It took two to tango and I wanted to be a master at the dance.

Everything else in life took practice if you wanted to be good at it. Why not sex? Why did I keep beating myself up because I liked something other people seemed to like? Lord knows there wasn't much I shared in common with other people but sex just happened to be what we did share an interest in. Did I really want to stop having sex until I figured it all out?

For my entire lifetime I never knew what it was like caring or being cared about, feeling or being felt for, and especially I knew nothing about receiving pleasure or giving it. Instead of denying myself, perhaps I should accept that I was good at it, I liked it, and the people I did it with liked it. Maybe there were some of us that didn't need any more than that. Of course it would be great to find someone I could do it with all the time and then I wouldn't need to keep having those long thoughtful sessions with myself or long for others to relieve my aloneness.

As much as I wanted to join forces with someone else, it just never worked. Each road I went down was marked with a dead end sign at the end. I hadn't so much found someone as I had found a king and his court. While I wanted the king, I settled for his court, because I needed someone and I discovered that sex was the quickest way to get what I needed.

For the most part it was the orgasm that spurned on most of the boys I went with. You could see it on their faces and in their eyes when they accepted the arrangement that at the time was convenient. They wanted to get to the other side so they could cum and cum as long as they could cum. I suppose some would cum forever if given the opportunity. For me it was the holding, the touching, the being touched by them, and the union of body and mind that allowed me to discard the nothing that I was both unlovable and more frighteningly, unable to love.

This was the message of my childhood. I was unworthy of human contact or of any compassion that might indicate that there was value in my life. This left me on the outside, longing to get in, but the harder I tried, the more violent I was repulsed, and then there was the day I stopped trying to appease the angry huge people I could never please. Nothing was good enough and everything fell short of satisfying them. I was without value then.

Subsequently there was the fear that I would always be alone because I couldn't love or be loved, and so even sex was a substitute that allowed me to flush those unattractive thoughts from my mind. If I was in the arm of a lovely boy, sucking his dick, having him suck mine, then could it follow that I couldn't love and I was unlovable?

It did follow, many times it followed closely after the act, and once the other boy was gone from my grasp and beyond my reach, beyond caring for me any longer now that his load of love was ecstatically dispensed. At least for the time it took he was mine for the taking. It seemed his interest would rise and fall with his erect cock, but it was something. The act of loving when the love because a byproduct of his lust. Why would I deny myself this relief form being alone?

It was better than sitting on the sidelines as I'd done for fifteen years, or more like three or four after I knew what it was I was and wanted from boys. It would never be what I wanted but it was something. Until I met Greg there was nothing. He was immediately the end all and be all of love for me.

Was it love at first sight? Did I love him now? Was it all an illusion and now I could be close to him without protest, no objections, no insults, and no interaction. Was it another sellout on my way to where? I didn't know where? Would I ever know what it was I was looking for? Would Greg ever feel anything for me but content no matter if I went a hundred years without having sex with another boy? How long would he wait for me? Did I really want to go up this road, putting all my eggs in his basket, only to have him crush them carelessly under his feet.

After not being able to feel, not knowing how to feel, and being fearful of my feeling, doing it with the king's court was enough to give me hope there had to be more. It was more than I had known before. I didn't want my life to be about the numbers too great to count but I didn't want it to be about me going down a lonely road alone, wondering where I was going and why I was doing what I was doing.

There had to be some way to control my urges. Even watching Greg asleep in his bed, I had the urge to reach up under his sheet to feel what it was I dreamed about so often. He was naked except for the sheet that was jammed into his crotch so it didn't make the doctors and more likely the nurses from having obscene thoughts about all that he had to offer. I knew all about what he had to offer but it didn't keep me from the obscene thoughts. I had control myself but more than once I had let my hand rest on his bed and very near the sheet. I bet that would wake up quick, I mused. A couple ah toots on his horn would remind him what his life was about.

It seemed somehow humorous thinking about his reaction if he caught me taking what I wanted from him while he was too drugged up to care. I trudged along with the shoulder substance yielding beneath my determined feet as I walked, and smiling because I knew only too well what was hidden behind Greg's sheet. Maybe just a feel to see if he was alive?

The car eased to the shoulder in front of where I walked. If it hadn't been late I would never have considered it, but when the door opened, I thought, at least I should tell him I don't take rides from strangers, no matter how much I appreciated their kindness. It was a prepared speech I'd only used a couple of times in my life. I knew the hazards and had heard the horror stories about what happened to good looking young mans after they climbed into stranger's cars. I'd just go up and say no.

The gravel crunched under my feet as I jogged up to the open door.

"You want a ride or not? Too damn dark for you to be waking on this section of road. You want to get hit?"

No, I didn't want to get hit. I was already late. My parents would be pissed off as usual because I missed dinner. Saving five minutes seemed smart at the time. The gate was only another mile or so, and what could happen in a mile? Once we got to the gate if he was acting kinky, I'd let him go on without me until he was out of sight and while I was still safely under the watchful eye of the gatekeeper.

What could happen in a mile? I was a big boy. I could take care of myself. Who'd want to take advantage of me anyway?

Little did I know that my life was about to change.

Discovering Gregory

Chapter 39

Competition
 

The car was almost immediately in motion. He was in a green fatigue uniform and my first impression was that he was young and blond with that high-n-tight haircut, but I didn’t look at him except for the instant when I was getting into the car. It was easier not looking at him and the car was in motion as quickly as I was closing the door. The familiar crunch of the shoulder gave way to the simple two-lane round that rounded the back of the base.

My first impression told me that he was harmless. I usually got chills when something wasn’t right but I was late and in a hurry and if I did have a chill just then, it passed before it got to my brain. I measured that he wasn’t much bigger than me, and probably not much older, but how much can you tell when you’re making an effort not to look at someone?

There are lots of ways things can go wrong. You usually picture knives, guns, clubs and nasty, ugly gnomes lurking in the dark or under bridges when you think of trouble, but this was flatland. There were no bridges and trouble comes in many forms, even lovely packages, and in guys who have too much Louisiana hot sauce in their grits. There is no chill or mental alert to warn you off of them, at least not in my case.

I could steel myself against physical attack but I had no protection against desire and people who would use it against me. There in the car there were no chills but a sudden familiarity that set me at ease and left me without protection. What it was I wasn’t certain about. He seemed to be not simply harmless but there was something quite comfortable about him. I wanted to look but I didn’t dare. I’d follow my original mindset.

“I’m just going to the back gate,” I said, looking ahead to where the headlights shinned.

“Me too,” he said.

The voice was neutral, nice but not that nice. There was no rich accent to tell me anything about him. It was a youthful voice. I still didn’t look at him. He did smell nice. Old Spice I thought. My Grandfather wore Old Spice. It always reminded me of him whenever I smelled it on someone. He was probably getting off from work and going home to the little woman and the crumb snatchers but then I thought not. He was from someplace else going off base for dinner.

“I was going to the bowling alley,” he advised as he made the right turn toward the gate.

The properly dressed guard waved us through with a snappy hand gesture. The young soldier waved by lifting his hand from the top of the steering wheel and setting it back down. He had slowed for the come on and now accelerated toward the stop sign at Owens Fairy Road. I had no urge to stop him or to get out under the protection of the U.S. Air Force guard.

“Great to get off that base,” he said. “The air’s fresher on this side of the gate.”

“Yeah, I bet,” I said. “You can drop me down at the highway. I just live across on the other side.

“It’s cool. I can go that way to get to the bowling alley. I wanted to avoid bowling with another Friday night league glut,” he said. “They thin out in another hour or so.”

“It’s Friday,” I said almost as a question, having lost my usually keen sense of time. Over the past few weeks time had lost all meaning to me. Waiting was timeless. I thought about Greg and saw him laying in my mind.

The driver looked at me funny. He really looked familiar now and I could see him trying to place me somewhere he’d been. I knew I’d seen him before too. He still seemed harmless and pleasant enough. He made no bold overtures or did anything threatening.

“Of course it’s Friday. Do I know you? Do you bowl? You go to the bowling alley, don’t you? I’m sure I’ve seen you there.”

“I was in a hurry to get home so my parents wouldn’t bust my balls all evening. My parents won’t even be home. They go out Friday nights with friends,” I said, sighing with relief when I realized I wouldn’t need to get into it again about me never being home.

“Doesn’t sound like you’re too thrilled about going home. Want to ride around for a while? The bowling alley is jammed Friday nights. I mean if you don’t have to be home. I never went home when I was your age. I don’t know anyone and I could use the company if you want. The one guy I knew moved to California,” he said sadly.

I caught sight of the blond hair and how close it was cut. His lips were thin and his nose was small compared to most noses. His skin was very clear and light. His eyes stayed glued to the road as he sped across to my side of the highway. He was a perfectly lovely soldier boy.

“You’re Herbie’s friend,” I said, remembering a scene on the television in Kent’s room when we watched Herbie with a handsome young soldier. What were the odds? “We went bowling once. I was with Kent.”

“Oh Yeah, I remember you. Kent was cool. I liked him. He was fun. They were both fun. Now they’re a million miles from here.”

“When you said California, well, they just moved and that’s when I recognized you. I don’t usually take rides from strangers. If I’d known it was Friday I wouldn’t have gotten in at all.”

“Well, good thing I’m not a stranger. You hung around with Kent, huh? He’s a nice dude. Don’t you think he’s nice?” His voice had the kind of excitement that was more familiar than I wanted to hear. I remembered what Kent had said about him while we watched him with Herbie.

“Yeah! I liked him fine. I thought you went over to see Herbie. I mean you were his friend, right?”

“A couple times Kent was there and Herbie wasn’t. We got to... talk. We got to know each other. You hear him play. Boy had a gift. Smart too.”

“Oh!” I said, looking at him more closely. Kent had said he would if he could, and I guess he did by the sounds of it. There was a feeling of betrayal.

“Were you good friends?” He asked with a leading question that it was impossible to miss. That was twice in one day that someone wanted to know if I was queer for someone.

“As good as you were with Herbie,” I said, defensively cutting him off at the pass, or that’s what I thought I was doing after the way he insinuated that Kent and I were very good friends or maybe he was just curious. I remember Kent cutting him off at the knees with a similar comment while we bowled.

“I thought I wouldn’t be lucky enough to find anyone else like those two,” he said, with relief evident in his voice. “How lucky am I, picking you up. I don’t usually pick up hitchhikers, too dangerous. I guess I was hoping to find someone like you when I stopped. I mean like them.”

“Like me? I’m not like me. I am me.”

“You know what I mean. I meant... I wasn’t trying to insult you.

We going for that ride?” He asked. “Please!”

“Well, I... uh.”

“Don’t tell me you and Kent weren’t with that?” He said. “What I knew about him says odds are good you were.”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t,” I said. “Kent and I were friends. We were very good friends.”

“Now I’m sounding too eager. It’s just that I’m glad it was you I picked up. You knowing them is awesome. We practically know each other. We’re practically friends, you know. It’s rough not knowing anyone.”

“We don’t really know each other,” I said, trying to remember the timeline when we first met. “What about all those soldiers you live with?”

“Drunken idiots, I don’t take them seriously. They’re too loud and too damn mean for me.”

“I guess,” I said.

“The first night I stayed over with Herbie you stayed over with Kent. Herbie said you were cool. We were drinking and I was paranoid about doing stuff back then. Hard to believe, huh?” He said, looking at me and seeming nervous.

He held the wheel with both hands. He had this strange look of desperation on his face, like he knew what he wanted to say but everything came out all wrong. He wanted to shut up but he was afraid that if he did I’d ask to go home. I felt bad for him.

We’d both had the misfortune to fall for guys that were too quickly gone from our lives.

“I think I remember that,” I said. “I was just getting to know Kent then,” I said, picturing Herbie behind him while he gave him what for.

“Lucky you. That boy had a hummer on him, didn’t he? Never seen one big as him, have you? Suck his own. Can you beat that? Him and Herbie both could. What are the odds? Never knew anyone before and both of them could. That Herbie was something. Never met anyone had it going on as much as he did. I did stuff I never thought of doing. He knew shit all right.”

“Yeah, they did,” I agreed.

“They were fun,” he mused. “Way more than anyone else I’ve known. I mean there was this guy who sucked us off in high school. That was cool, but that was all. I never thought of doing it myself. It was just something to do then. I liked it a lot but that was all. We never did anything but that.”

“Oh, you did do something before you met them,” I said, making small talk.

“You been with Herbie too? I mean you like him too? He could get me hard just thinking about what he could do. I mean I thought about that stuff a lot more once I met him. I couldn’t wait to get off base in those days? His was big too. Mostly his was long though. They were something. Sorry to see them go. Especially Herbie. Kent was too cool.”

“Yeah, he was,” I said, remembering how cool he was.

“I only went with him a few times. I went over once and he said he was seeing someone and we couldn’t.... He said I’d need to come back when Herbie was home. Bummer, huh? I was glad though. Glad he found someone special.”

“Yeah, that would be nice,” I said, suddenly feeling warm and remembering Kent more clearly.

“You were the only guy I saw him with. Did you know he was seeing someone special? Did you guys fool around and stuff?”

“Yeah,” I said after being lulled into his way of thinking. “Oh yeah, I knew he was seeing someone.”

He heard the words and then looked at me. He was partially smiling and partially investigating me. Then a most curious smile took over his face and he was glowing like he’d made this incredible connection and it was a good connection.

“It was you! You were his boyfriend I bet. I’m stupid aren’t I? Back home none of this stuff went on. I got a girlfriend, you know, back there I mean. I don’t know no one here.”

“Well, you do know me,” I corrected in an effort to fill the void for him.

“Boys are boys back at home, except for that guy in high school who blew us, and everyone knew about him. You just went there to get your rocks off. He was some chubby and way-shy but once you got with him he knew how to get the most out of you, I can tell you that for sure. It was all there was then.”

“Your girlfriend?”

“Oh, jeez, she was so pure she didn’t leave a ring in the bath tub. We did it a couple of times but it was always hurried and she complained about being a nice girl. She blew me once but I knew Darrell, the chubby kid, knew a lot more about that subject than she did.”

“Sounds painful,” I said.

“Believe me, it was. Me and my best buddy got laid by a girl who wanted a quart of gin the night before we left. She was the sister of an old girlfriend of his and we only had the car but it was cool enough. He went to San Antonio and I came here. He was a ladies man and always knew where to get some.”

“You have been around,” I said, not meaning it.

“Then I met Herbie. I had been here six months. Yeah, I was really lonely and all with no one I knew around. Away from home, thinking about my girl, but the stuff he showed me, wow, no girl ever took me where he did. No girl could. Never figured on that when I joined up. No sir, never figured dudes were all that good for much. I never was. Herbie taught me better.”

“I bet,” I said. “He did know how to give people what they wanted.”

“You think it was what I wanted or what he wanted from me? I always figured it was him that wanted it.”

“Who was it kept coming back?” I asked, breaking into his roll. “Herbie had plenty of guys to do it with. He didn’t have to get anyone to do anything.”

“You can say that again. Why do you think that is? Cause he had such a long one? Man he did? Us midgets don’t usually get to hold big ones. That puppy was awesome. First one I ever felt. Maybe he was just nice, you know. I guess that was it. It felt nice being with him. Like I was someone special and he really liked me. That was nice.”

“I’m sure you were special to him. You’re an attractive guy.”

“Listen to me running off at the mouth. You’d think I was a sex fiend or somthin'. It’s just that I never get to talk about it or to do anything now that he’s gone. I just told you my entire sex life. Didn’t take long, huh? I bet you’ve already been around a lot more than me.”

He talked so fast I couldn’t answer many of the questions, which was just as well; there weren’t any answers I wanted to give him. Even though he talked a hundred miles a second, he had more than talking on his mind. There was no doubt he was happy to meet someone he thought was simpatico. What he didn’t talk about was what he had in mind for me or how horny he was.

It was obvious by the words he used and how fast he used them that he was positioning himself for more than answers to meaningless questions. I mean he was harmless. I knew he was harmless. I could go along or get him to take me home according to what I wanted to do, but I felt sorry for the guy. He not only looked desperate to make a connection, he was. It was written all over his face, the longing, the need, the desire, and he didn’t know how to get to the punch line.

He was green as new spring grass even if I had seen Herbie fucking him. The only thing he knew for sure about that was that he liked it. Should I go along with his desperation and add to it or should I send him back to where he came from to have a life that didn’t include diddling other guys? It would have been the kindest thing I could do for a kid who had gotten so far from anything he knew that he no longer knew how to get back or if he even wanted to go back.

Herbie might have just been giving all those people what they were after but there were some people that it would have been better for if they didn’t find out what it was they learned from him. Herbie was an uninhibited arbiter of the body wonderful. He had found all his own bodies secrets while under his brother’s bed and in it, then he went forth to spread the knowledge he’d discovered. I wasn’t sure everyone was equipped to deal with his philosophy of sharing. How do you ever go back from bliss to moderation and restraint?

I wasn’t sure some people could, but then again, who was I too tell people what they should and should not do. Who was I to tell people that I knew everything and they should listen to my wisdom? Of course, I knew little and only watched and tried to make sense of it myself. What I saw now was the quiet desperation of a boy who was hoping above hope that I was going to take him out of his misery and to a place he badly needed to go. If not for Herbie he’d be back in his barracks ready to go to a movie and drinking with his buds.

So is the teacher then the villain when the lesson you learn is too good?

He started to glance at me as he talked. He smiled and paid less attention to the road and more attention to his passenger. It made me feel odd. It made me erect.

“You don’t know how good it is to meet someone that I can really talk to,” he said, and I was still trying to catch up to where he was. “I mean just talking about it helps a lot. You don’t know what it’s like being alone so far from home.” He had finally slowed down and confessed. “Herbie gave me someone to hold onto. I knew it’s not the regular way a guy does it, but it’s better than this.”

Yeah it was nice being with someone who you know is friendly to you even though you're queer, I thought. It was nice not pretending to be someone I wasn’t. In fact it gave me a thrill and made my hard dick throb while listening to him run on about what was most on his mind. He tried to wrap it around words that made him feel about what he’d done, but I knew what he meant and I knew where he was hoping it would lead him and me.

I guess I pretended all my life for most people most of the time if you get real about it. I pretended so much that I wasn’t sure who I was half the time. I had to think about it to know just what I felt and just what I believed. I don’t think about it, I mean really think about it.

Him telling me what he knew about me made it unnecessary for pretense. I wouldn’t pretend I was an offended nice boy who would never consider getting down with another nice boy like him, when he finally asked. We both knew the truth about one another. It is strangely liberating even when you are determined not to do it and I was determined. I wouldn’t get started with anyone else. Not now.

I hadn’t given a thought to Kent since the night we found out about Greg’s accident. I guess that was some indication about how deep my feelings ran. Perhaps that’s unfair to me. I did love Greg dearly and hearing that his life was hanging in the balance made my life irrelevant and therefore my feelings for Kent were relegated to a secondary role. Maybe it was for the best because I would have been pining over him for the next six months had Greg not taken center stage in my life once again. Even though I knew I couldn’t have him, I also knew I would always love him.

I wondered about California as we drove. I knew Kent liked me no matter what he did with this guy or any other. He couldn’t say no, not when it came to sex with a handsome boy anyway. He needed sex and if the guy came over and was ready to rock and roll, Kent would have danced with him as long as he wanted, not because he didn’t like me enough, but because he liked sex too much. I knew who Kent was. I liked him because he was who he was, not because he felt he needed to pretend he was someone else.

What happened to boys that liked sex too much? I wasn’t clear on that. I heard all the bad things that were said about us by the right and the righteous, but who were they to decide what I should like? They could like what they liked, why couldn’t I? Why didn’t I get the same right to experience life on my terms? Why did they insist I had to experience life on their terms or not at all? Were they fearful someone was getting more out of life then they were, or were they just control freaks who couldn’t stand the idea of someone doing it different than they wanted it done?

I was conflicted about what I liked and who I liked, but I didn’t have any desire to hurt anyone or to make them like what I liked. I got into the car wanting a ride home and instead I was confronted by a lonely boy who only wanted to belong somewhere. Perhaps my receptiveness wasn’t the best thing for him but how was he supposed to stay sane if there was no one receptive to him? I wasn’t going to go beyond my original plan but being nice to him wasn’t hurting anyone. I wouldn’t let it confuse things any more than I already did that for myself.

I finally did like my life. For the first fifteen years I detested living. I made up my mind I was going to enjoy it as much as possible no matter how loudly they yelled their insults at me. No matter how bad people said I was for liking sex, I knew, in my heart, I wasn’t bad. I never tried to hurt anyone and to me that was the difference between good and evil. They seemed to want to hurt anyone that didn’t conform. Our whole damn society seemed hell bent on destroying everything that didn’t conform.

Sex was one of the few things that made me feel alive. It made me want to stay alive. Before I met Greg I didn’t feel alive. I didn’t want to be alive. So if sex was what did it, fuck them and the horse they rode in on. They could do it their way and I would do it mine. They could say what they wanted but I didn’t need to comment on what they liked. It seemed simple enough but there didn’t seem to be any alternative once you faced up to what you were.

I was trying to face up to it and make the best of it and that would only come by knowing the truth about me and people like me. Kent and Herbie were good people. Their desires didn’t make them anything other than that. No one would ever make me believe that the enjoyment they got out of life was evil. If it was evil then evil I was and evil I’d stay. Loving and comforting one another was all there was and once that was gone, there wasn’t anything worth keeping.

“Don’t you think so?” he said breaking through into my thought process for a second or two.

My mind ran as fast as his mouth but there was one distinct difference, he had no idea what I was thinking. I figured we were both lucky for that. If he had a clue how disdainful I was toward those that would do us harm for our feelings, he’d probably think I was out of my gourd because that’s the way the world was.

I must admit my brain did hurt when I tried putting everything together before doing something I regretted. I did worry I could hurting someone and it was the last thing I’d do. The only way I knew to prevent it was to review what I knew and felt before jumping into anything new or uncertain.

Maybe if I simply drank it would seem better to me and then I wouldn’t need to justify what I thought I might do.

These questions haunted me at exactly the wrong time, but I thought it was one question if you tied it all up in a pretty bow. Did I have a right to my happiness in spite of those who said I didn’t? Maybe I was out of my gourd or at least nuts about being labeled by people who seemed more interested in power and greed then in anyone’s wellbeing.

“What?” I said, knowing something he said required an answer and that was the best I could do.

He looked at me with this weird look on his face, like he was thinking real hard about something. Then he busted out laughing, like there was this inside joke he just got. He got me laughing and feeling a little more comfortable with my thoughts and maybe my appearance, which couldn’t have been good after ten hours in a hospital.

“You know, I don’t know what,” he said being honestly. “Listen to me talk. It’s just that I don’t get to say this stuff. Meeting you makes me want to talk about it. How much I miss those two guys.”

“I miss them too.”

“I guess since you’re used to this stuff, it must seem silly, this country boy getting so excited over two guys, huh? They’d skin me back home they knew what I did.”

“I bet,” I said.

“I didn’t mean to sound like a hick or anything. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I like someone that says what’s on their mind,” I said, still trying to reassure him.

“I’m not usually this forward and I don’t talk a lot, really, I don’t. You bring it out of me. It’s just I haven’t done it since they left. You don’t know how it eats at you when you want to do it and you can’t do it. I’m going to shut up now before I say something real stupid. Could you stay with me just a few minutes more?”

“Sure! It’s not like my parents are home.”

“You’re that young. I guess you are. I was never home when I was your age.”

“It’s easier when I don’t piss them off. I’ll be gone next year.”

“Do you know somewhere we can go?” He asked without missing a beat and even when I didn’t say much what I did say seemed to get me deeper into his desire. “I want to look at you while we talk. I like looking at you. You’re nice.”

“I don’t usually have access to a car,” I said. “I shouldn’t get too far.”

“We’ll find a place. If you know want I mean,” he said, but I could see in his eyes how wounded he’d be if I rejected him just when he was thinking....

He’d made up his mind I was the answer to the loneliness and desire that ran rampant inside him. I could really hurt him bad if I didn’t deal carefully with his hopes. It wouldn’t be easy telling him how nice he thought he was while telling him no, my life wouldn’t tolerate any more wounds of my own.

How did I get myself into this crap? I knew better than to get into strange cars. I understood better that the only danger wasn’t violence. Now I knew of no way to get out. I was obligated to this lost and lonely boy. He’d been pulled out of the only home he ever knew and was now a drift in a sea of opportunities for his youthful desires. I thought the military should be forced to supply pretty young girls to hold the boys hands and keep them company so they could never get loose in a world that no one prepared them for.

He didn’t need to find more guys to encourage him to continue down this road. He needed to go home to be with his girlfriend, to marry her, to have a family, and forget what he learned here, but who was I to tell him what to do? I was the last person to advise him not to like it too much. I was the temptation he was struggling with. He wanted me because there wasn’t anybody else. It wasn’t a reassuring thought but it was better than thinking we might make beautiful music if I only opened my ears to his melody.

My mind was working so fast I never noticed him getting his cock out of his pants. It arched up and touched his shinny gold belt buckle, leaving a sheen I could see when we passed under a light. He was quick but didn’t touch or draw attention to himself. Perhaps it was hurting him, being trapped in his pants while longing for exposure.

It was rather smooth until up near the head where it was wrinkly and I knew he had the skin when he was less determined. A clear drop slid onto the gold buckle as the head moved to the tune of the road. He didn’t look at me looking at it, but he knew I was. That’s why it was there. He wasn’t so naïve to ever take no for the final answer. This was his trump and he played it to overcome any objections to his charm that I might be entertaining. I could see the blond hair cascading out around the base and his hands stayed up on the wheel, his arms elevated high so I could get the full Monty.

This clean neat boy played dirty pool. My mouth was dry and while there was nothing irresistible about his modest display, it was lovely like him. It and him were squeaky clean, freshly showered and bathed in Old Spice. He had left the barracks with the idea in his mind, “This will be the night.”

The streetlights gave me a fine view and I made the best of it. I didn’t know where he was taking me and I was no longer sure I cared. He was seriously aroused and his hand slid up under my knee as I checked it out yet again under the very next light.

He didn’t look at me and he didn’t talk. We rode past the closed shops and down onto Old Highway before turning down one of the darker streets.

“You can touch it,” he said weakly and in a whisper.

“It’s not what I meant to happen,” I said, touching it as I eased closer to him.

The heat was torrid and he lifted up against my fingers while looking down at my hand. I pulled down until it was smooth all the way around. His hips forced it at my stiff fist. He put his hand high on my thigh but didn’t reach for mine. He was very intent on what I was doing to him and I could hear the breathing that gave away the degree of the excitement. He was close. He was very close and I didn’t do any more.

It was at the end of the street we were on when he pulled to the curb and leaned toward me, fumbling with my zipper, reaching in for the item that would give us the ultimate connection. There were no streetlights and it was almost pitch black. He sobbed lightly while holding my hand tight on his cock. His hips made tentative stabs at my hand as though his heart wasn’t in it, and the sob became short moans as he got his face on my open pants and started to shower kisses on my hard dick as he panted on it.

“Oh, shit!” He moaned, and he was suddenly struggling to breathe and to stop and to start all at the same instant. I could hear the groan rising out of his chest and my hand figured out the rest when streams of hot fluid pulsed out of his twitching cock. I never did anything, simply held the source of his unfulfilled love. His face rested on the front of my pants and his mouth was half way down on me as he jerked and twitched from the power of his orgasm. He had just about filled my palm by the time he stopped.

“Shit!” he said, spitting me out and gasping for air. “I’m sorry.

I’m really sorry. I haven’t done anything. Oh man that was hot.”

“It’s okay. You needed to cum is all. You can only go without for so long,” I reassured him as best I could.

“I just couldn’t hold it back. I did the same thing with Herbie the first time. I did the same thing with my girlfriend the first time come to think of it. That was only last year, you know. I’m not too experienced.”

“I wouldn’t believe that. You’re as experienced as anyone.”

“I’ll hold off longer next time,” he said, resting his head back in my lap.

“SHHH! SHHH!” I said, wanting him to shut the fuck up. I couldn’t take another round of constant chatter. My brain hurt from him talking so much and me thinking about it all.

I held his face and stroked his hair. He lay face down in my lap making no more attempts to suck me but leaving his face against it. That was a relief. I wasn’t sure this qualified as doing it but I wasn’t going to worry about it. He was satisfied and I hadn’t done much to get him there.

I was glad it ended before he got me involved. I didn’t need to be involved any more than I was already involved. I wanted some time off from the lust and the desire. Him getting relief didn’t seem to distort my intentions that much. I felt pretty good about it and there were no commitments for more.

Holding him was very nice. He made no effort to escape my touch. It was suddenly as quiet as it ever got in my life. He was a nice guy. His skin and hair were so soft it was really pleasant being there with him. I could hear him breathing but he said nothing. He did put his arms around my waist and hugged his face to me. I wondered if he shaved because his face was so soft. I wasn’t sure he hadn’t fallen asleep he was so quiet for so long. Then he sat up and started to take off his pants.

“What are you doing,” I said, remembering the cum that was still on my hand.

“Herbie likes to fuck me after I shoot my load.”

“I’m not Herbie. I’m fine.”

“Okay,” he said, pulling his pants back up. “Are you sure? He says I’m tight. You can if you want. I don’t mind.”

“Yes, I’m sure.” I said. “I want to remember how sweet this was.”

“What do you want to do then?”

“I’ve got to get home before I get myself into any more trouble. That would be best.”

“I thought your parents aren’t home?”

“They aren’t but I’ve got to beat them home so they don’t know I’ve been out all this time.”

“You’re mad at me for getting off so fast?”

“No! It was great. You were great. Never think you aren’t perfect. You are.”

“Really! I like getting fucked. You sure you don’t want to. I don’t mind. How long would it take us?”

“If you do it right, all night. We don’t quite have that long.”

“All night?” He said alarmed. “I don’t know if I could let one up there that long.”

I directed him to my house and he pulled up into my driveway.

There was no one home. I was very relieved.

“Can I see you again?” He asked. “I’ll jack off ahead of time so I last. I should have done that tonight but I didn’t know I’d meet someone like you.”

“I stay pretty busy,” I said, still trying to leave myself an out.

“We can just go out. Maybe go bowling or something. I could take you to a movie. We’ll keep our clothes on the next time. I don’t know anyone.”

“If I give you my number you can’t be calling all the time. Things are complicated enough without some boy calling me all the time.”

“Boys don’t call you all the time already? I bet!”

“No boys calling since Kent left.”

“I’ll just call to see if I can pick you up some time is all.”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“I don’t know anyone else,” he said, fishing for sympathy again.

“I guess, do you have a pencil? Don’t you dare keep calling me.”

“Sure, wait a minute. There’s got to be one here somewhere,” he said, popping open the glove compartment and the contents all tumbled onto the floor. “I just stuff stuff in there. Here it is.”

I wrote down my name and number and handed him the paper. He analyzed it in the too little light from the lamp in front of the house. I backed out of his car and closed the door. He seemed reluctant to leave and he stared at me.

“Martin?” He said, using my name for the first time.

I knew he didn’t remember it. Why would he? He didn’t even remember me at first when he was spending time with Herbie and Kent. I was small potatoes compared to them.

“Yeah,” I said, looking back in and wondering what he wanted now.

“My name is Ted,” he said. “Thanks for everything you did. You don’t know how good I feel right now.”

“Yeah, Ted. I enjoyed myself,” I said and he backed out of the driveway.

It was the thing that always through me about my feelings and the things I did. We’d gone off together and not much happened but it was not because he wasn’t dying for a lot to happen. He was just a little quick on the trigger and that’s all that kept it from escalating, and I never remembered his name or bothered to ask and I hadn’t cared about his name until he gave it to me.

I could have gone through the rest of my life without ever knowing who he was. How bogus was that? How could things escalate that fast and we didn’t know anything about each other? Of course he wasn’t about to let me go through the rest of my life without hearing from him, but I knew when I gave him the number that as soon as he got to a phone he would call me. It’s one of those odd feelings you get about someone.

The house was quiet and I went about searching the fridge for something quick, easy, and delightfully fulfilling. I settled for some old stew and what was left of the Ritz Crackers I hadn’t gotten around to polishing off yet. Just about the time the stew was starting to bubble, the phone rang. I smiled.

“Yes!”

“It’s me, Ted. I just wanted to say how nice it was....”

“Ted, I’m right in the middle of dinner.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just wanted to thank you again. You don’t know how lonely I’ve been for someone that could understand what I feel. Even if we don’t go out again, it was great.”

“That’s cool, Ted,” I said with a little sympathy. “We’ll go for a Coke later on. You keep in touch.”

I hoped that was it for the night. Ted was sweet but I wouldn’t be any good for him. I’d be nice to him and leave it at that. I dumped the food onto my plate and sat thinking about my day.

I was so tired I could hardly sit up and if I wanted a ride to the hospital I’d need to be at Greg’s house before seven. I yawned and stuffed food in my mouth while it was conveniently open. I leaned on my elbows and thought about getting to bed before my parents got home.

The phone rang and I cringed. Fuck! What have done?

“Ted, please don’t call anymore tonight,” I said abruptly. “I’m going to bed.”

“It’s George,” a confused voice said.

“George who?” I asked, running through my memory banks in a hurry.

“George, Greg’s friend. We met up his house. You slept with me one night a ways back. Doug gave me your number.”

“Oh, George! Hello,” I said, yawning again, “Haven’t seen you in awhile.”

“I’ve been away. I’m in the military and I want to see you while I’m home if it’s okay. I’ve thought a lot about you and I want to talk about it.”

“George!” I said, about to tell him to get off my phone, but of course I didn’t. “Hey, dude, I’m beat. I’ve had a long day. I’m over at the base every day. Why don’t we meet over there tomorrow? Hospital cafeteria, say, at noon?”

...And so it was. I hadn’t thought much about George since that night when I explored his drunken body. There had been way too much going on to think of people that weren’t around any longer.

I knew I liked him and I was certainly attracted to him but this wasn’t the time. We’d meet and have a Coke and make small talk and I wouldn’t be getting into any cars with him.

It was a good plan but good plans didn’t always go as expected.

Discovering Gregory

Chapter 40

Spike

I was heading up the road that led to the road that led me to Greg's house on Monday morning when I saw the familiar blue-bomb heading my way. She stopped with the passenger side door next to me. I got in the car, thankful for the air-conditioning. It was already getting too hot.

"I'm sorry if I'm holding you up. It's been a long weekend."

It had been. Ted had called twice a day since Friday night and George had called to cancel lunch Saturday because of extra practice and we were meeting at noon in the hospital cafeteria.

"It's no problem, Martin. I'd only need to leave five minutes earlier to pick you up. I wish you'd let me. It's the least I can do."

"I don't like making people go out of their way," I said. "Let's just leave it the way it is. I start school soon and I won't be going until later after that."

"Doug said to tell you he gave George your number."

"Oh, yeah, he called. That's cool."

"Don't let him upset Greg if he comes by," she said. "Doug said they had some trouble."

"Greg mostly sleeps. I don't think it'll be a problem but I'll make sure."

"They're withdrawing the drugs. Slowly at first. He won't be sleeping as much or so I'm told. Try not to upset him."

"That's great."

"Yes! He shouldn't be excited at all. The one leg is still a problem. They can't seem to get rid of the the last of the infection."

"I heard them talking," I said. "They changed the antibiotic to see if another one might be more effective."

"Yes, that's what they said."

"They say it'll be a year before he's getting back to normal."

"Yes, that's what they've told us."

"I can't imagine Greg lying-low for a year."

"That makes two of us," she said sounding doubtful.

She dropped me off at the hospital entrance and told me to tell Greg hello for her. We smiled and she sped away. I raced up to his room, smiling big and waving to Attila, flashing my infamous ID. I burst through the door wanting to talk to Greg at last.

He was sleeping.

My excitement waned by lunchtime and I slipped out to join George in the cafeteria after filling Greg's cup with ice before I left him. I took a table near the main entrance and got a Coke and some fries to keep me going.

George was fifteen minutes late but he was no doubt worth the wait. He'd grown an inch or two and he had filled out by fifteen or twenty pounds. He stood tall and proud in a military uniform as he stepped inside the door to look for me. He spotted me immediately and when he got to the table he shoved his hat up under his arm and reached for my hand. I was impressed at his spit and polish. His hand had a white glove on it but I shook it anyway.

He looked like a million. He was more beautiful than I remembered. It was a perfect beauty, no marks, no flaws, and he flashed his dazzling teeth at me.

"Martin!"

"Hi, George," I said, trying not to stare. "What's up."

"We're playing downtown. I thought I would look you up while I'm here. I've thought a lot about you."

"George, we don't even know each other."

"Doesn't mean I haven't thought about you. That night at Greg's. I know you liked me. I liked you. What's to know?"

"Well, gee, you never said anything before."

"Yeah, I know. I'm like that. So many people come on to me. I forget if I want something I've got to make an effort. That was a while back. I wasn't sure what to say to you. You seemed younger then."

"Playing?"

"I'm in the band. Piano actually. I'm officially a member of "the band". It's more of an orchestra to be precise."

"Yes, let's be. You came to see about Greg?"

"Oh, no. Greg and I didn't part on very good terms. I'm afraid I insulted him. I can't even remember what it was about but I don't want to upset him. Doug says he's still pretty sick."

"Yeah, that's best. Why are you here?"

"I told you. I came to tell you I wanted to see you."

"Here I am," I said, being a little confused why someone that looked like George would even glance at me twice.

There was no way I was getting involved with someone that was not only beautiful but on stage six nights a week.

"I want us to see each other."

"How long are you here?"

"Just this week but we'll be stationed down in DC soon. I have a car. New T-bird. I can pick you up any time you say. We practice in the morning and then I'm free until we play at night, usually at eight. Then I'm off by eleven. You could come see me."

"I see. I'm a high school kid, George. I don't do much going out during the week. Haven't you met anyone that you like in the military?"

"Sure, most of them are better looking than me. They can't be bothered. I just thought we could get to know each other."

"Sure, but I'm not dating anyone. I mean I've got to go to school and study at night. I'm not very exciting."

"In the eye of the beholder. And then you see Greg in-between. He's never going to be what you want, you know that, right?"

"Sure! It's not about what I want. It's about him. I want to be there for him, George."

"I figured maybe you'd be over him by now."

"I am. We're friends. I like him."

"Yeah, don't we all. Can I call?"

"Sure."

"What about dinner one night?" he asked.

"Sure. Look, I told him I'd be back after I ate. I was here quite awhile before you came. I think I better get back."

"I play tonight. I'm off tomorrow night. Why don't I meet you and I can drive you home. You don't start school for another week or two. If you're in the mood we'll stop for something to eat."

"Okay, cool," I said, not knowing how to say no to him. "That would be nice. I be up in Greg's room. He's always asleep so just stick your head in and let me know when you get here."

I excused myself from the table and escaped the cafeteria. Every time my life started to sort itself out, the next thing I knew it was more complicated than ever. Now I had both Ted and George wanting more time than I wanted to give them. I had no feelings for either of them that I could identify. Certainly I could have sat and stared at George for hours and I would have been perfectly happy, but George was too fast for me. I was a plaything he wanted to have and he'd want to have another one in time. There was no way I was getting involved with him but that meant I had to shut him down and that was no easy task in my world.

Rejection is a terrible thing. I'm sure a lot of people never recover from the first love rejection. The pain of which you can carry for a lifetime and it can destroy any hope of happiness or even trust. I wasn't that worried about George. He'd just turn around and someone would be waiting in line. I guess I had no right to assume that, but if George didn't have guys waiting line, well, I sure as hell couldn't help him.

Ted was a different story and more worrisome than George by far. He was genuinely needy with no hope of finding what he was looking for in a small berg he knew nothing about. I'd have to keep seeing him until it was safe to cut him loose. By the time I started school I'd figure out how to do that without making things worse for him than before he picked me up.

He seemed desperate for someone that understood his complicated mix of desires. Man was he ever barking up the wrong tree with me, but tell that to someone even more needed than I was. I could be his friend and just try to discourage the sex thing until he found someone else to like that way.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. George would have been the catch of the century for most guys. Yet, I didn't feel it. I'd follow Greg to hell and back and have him cursing me all the way there and back but I'd hang in there. With George I didn't even want to go there. Perhaps it was all the complications I'd already experienced in my too young life. Greg had rejected me and Kent had left me, but the feeling I was left with was about the same. It hurt like fuck and I was damned tired of the pain.

It didn't matter much how he left me. He was gone and I was alone and the emptiness was winning again. Now I could be close to Greg knowing he'd never tolerate it if he wasn't so out of it that he didn't even know it was me, but it was something where otherwise there was nothing. Neither George nor Ted chasing me was as potent as sitting next to Greg's bed while knowing it wouldn't and couldn't last long. At least we could be close for a time.

While I was with him there was a tiny bit of hope that could continue to burn. I loved being next to him no matter how long it lasted. It's where I wanted to be all along. I knew it would hurt bad when I finally had to let him go for good but I was sure there was a little time left. After that I'd take it a day at a time.

I pushed my way back into Greg's room and walked over to the window to open the shades now that the sun was over top of the building. I watched the cars passing down below and wondered what to do now. I could smell Greg. I always liked his smell.

"Where were you?"

"Huh?" I said, whirling around to meet Greg's gaze.

"I woke up. You weren't here."

"I left your cup full of ice. I was only gone a half hour. Thirty-five minutes."

"I wake up at nights some times and you aren't there."

"I go home in the evening. My parents still insist that I'm home for dinner or else. I never am but I need to go in early enough so they can yell at me about it. Makes them feel important."

He tried to smile and his eyes seemed clouded as he kept them on me.

"Why?"

"I don't know. Power to the parents, I guess. You know how that is."

"No!"

"Yeah, that's true. You got winners when it comes to parents, Greg. I'm not sure what I got. I guess someone had to get mine."

"No!"

"You mean you think nobody had to get mine. I sure as hell did."

"Will you shut up! That's not what I asked you," he said weakly, sounding mightily frustrated with me as usual.

What's new!

"What did you ask me?"

"Why are you here?"

"I like hospital food?"

The bottom fell out of my stomach. I expected him to say get the fuck out of my room or something not quite as polite as that. I'm sure I got tears in my eyes. Of course he might not want me hanging around him. I'd always aggravated hell out of him, lots of times purposely, and he'd done his share of aggravating me as well. It seemed like a draw to me but of course I saw things differently than he did. I'd get out gracefully and leave him alone.

"I don't know. I'm worried about you. You know the way I told you I feel and all. I just want to make sure you're okay. It can't be any fun being up here alone. I mean except for when they come in to work you over. I mean I just thought a friendly face might help even if it was only mine. Not that you think my face is all that big a deal. I know you don't. I just... . What was the question?"

"Ice?" He said sounding really weak.

"Yeah! It's in the cup. Here I'll get it."

He had pushed his tray to one side and the cup of ice was just out of his reach. I used the spoon to scoop some out and he watched me carefully measuring the amount I left on the spoon.

"Thanks!" He said, sounding a little stronger as I shoved in the third shovel full. "I'm really hot."

"Me too," I said, looking at his naked chest and feeling flush.

"Cut it out. Can't you ever get serious about anything?"

"I did once. Didn't pay. Feelings weren't mutual. You might remember that."

"Shut up, Martin!" He coughed.

"You want me to go, Greg? I'll go."

"NO! Please don't. Sit."

"You had enough ice?"

"Yeah! Sit down. Please sit down."

I sat down and he placed his hand on mine. I enjoyed the touch. I wasn't sure if this came just before he asked me to leap from his hospital window, although the ground wasn't all that far off.

"Thank you."

"No problem. I'm here to serve," I said.

"Thank you for coming. For staying with me."

"It's okay."

"I wake up and you aren't here and I get scared."

"Of what?"

"Something happened to you," he said swallowing and then coughing. "I'm scared you won't be back. I'm scared you'll get fed up with my shit and you'll leave me for good."

"I'll be here every day. Every day. That's a promise. I'll come every day until you go home."

"After that?" He asked, suddenly getting way ahead of me.

"After that what?"

"Will you come every day after I go home?"

"You want I should? Last I heard you didn't like me going to your house."

"God you're dense. YES!" he yelled the last word but it came out somewhere between a squeak and a cough.

"Ice?"

He nodded vigorously. I smiled. It was all suddenly quite perfect if he hadn't looked like death warmed over.

I got up and started scooping more ice into his mouth. He held the spoon with his lips and closed his eyes like there was major relief.

"Hot!" He said sounding weak again.

"More ice?" I asked and he nodded, holding my wrist as I put in more.

"Hot!" he said again in protest.

"Yeah! Should I put some on your chest? That might help a little."

"Yes!" He said.

I used my hand because I wanted to touch him. He watched me moving the ice around and it melted almost as quickly as I put it against his skin. He was burning up and it alarmed me. I figured the doctors had it covered but it stayed on my mind. When I sat down after wiping up the mess the ice made, he held my hand but didn't say anything.

It was good that he was back but watching him was suddenly very difficult for me. If I'd lost sight of how sick he was the illusion was gone. Even after weeks he was still suffering and it hurt me to see him in pain.

"Should I call the nurse?" I asked.

He held up the control that was wrapped around the other side of the bed. The red light blinked mindlessly and his finger was pressed hard down on the call button.

"You in pain, Greg?"

He nodded weakly and squeezed my hand in a flinch. It anyone told me he could look any worse I wouldn't believe them, but he had gotten more pale and there was a powdery substance at the corners of his mouth. I watched his chest jump as he gasped bigger gulps of air.

"You sure you don't want me to get someone? It might be faster," I said, resting my chin on the back of his hand as I watched him.

He once again held up the blinking box with his finger pushed down on the red button.

"Maybe it's broke. Maybe no one is up there."

He shook his head and squeezed my hand. "Don't leave me. I don't like being alone."

I couldn't if I wanted to. If he was too weak to talk he wasn't so weak that he couldn't get a good grip on my hand. While I knew it should have comforted me, it didn't. It disturbed me seeing him in distress and not being able to help him. I thought it would pass at first but then I remembered they had cut back on the pain meds. That's when I started getting alarmed. I didn't want it to get any worse and I knew Greg was too strong willed to ever admit the pain could beat him.

"They're reducing your pain medication. Maybe they've reduced them too much," I said.

He didn't answer.

"I can go ask. I'll come right back. I won't leave you."

His eyes were pinched closed. His grip was strong and then all at once his entire body relaxed. I couldn't tell if he was breathing and panic set in. I ran to the door and started up the hall ranting and raving about someone getting off their fat asses to help him. There was nobody between the last room and the end of the hall, and I started to run to the nurse's station for help.

"Is anyone working!" I yelled. "We need help down here."

Nurse Attila was in full trot when I caught sight of her. She didn't bother to reprimand me or to check my ID. In fact she ignored my yelling and was going into Greg's room before I went into reverse, satisfied help was on the way.

"Dr. Johnson, Dr. Krakovich, STAT," she was yelling in the speaker above Greg's bed. "Dr. Johnson, Dr. Krakovich, STAT."

"You! OUT!" She yelled at me when she saw me at the door.

"What's wrong?" I said, watching her checking the IV and stripping the gauze off the bad leg.

"Out! Out!" She yelled, leaving him to push me out the door. "Go to the solarium. Wait there!"

She shut the door in my face and as I stood their indecisive, two doctors, fifty feet apart came dashing toward me with white smocks trailing behind them as they banged into the room without slowing down for chit-chat.

I couldn't follow what was going on but they were pulling wires and tubes and yelling at each other. The one doctor got to the pin that ran through Greg's leg just below the knee and deftly disconnected it from the rigging that held the leg up off the bed. As I was caught between terror and awe the gurney smashed me against the wall as it was rushed into the room. In ten seconds they were wheeling Greg out and whisking him away from my view.

I turned and looked back into the empty room with the wires, tubes, and gadgets swaying like some invisible breeze had erupted inside. My heart was pounding and my mind was blank. I walked toward the area where Nurse Attila had instructed me to go as I searched my pockets for the Colonel's phone numbers. I stopped at the nurse's station and punched a button as a nurse rushed over to interrupt me.

I held up my hand and stared hard into her eyes. I'm sure I looked rabid.

"Dial nine for an outside line," she advised, backing off and walking away.

"Colonel. Something's wrong with Greg."

"I'm on the way," the raspy voice said and the phone went dead.

*****

Greg's mom and dad sat on one side of the waiting room and I faced them. They'd asked what happened when they first came and I told them about the doctors and the gurney. The Colonel had gone out a few times and came back with no information. He made a few phone calls and we sat staring at one another. If I looked as bad as they looked, I looked like hell.

They'd been there over an hour when the doctor finally eased himself in through the door to face us.

"His temperature spiked. The infection had spread into his groin and down his leg. I'm not sure how it got out of control so quickly. He's fine. We're trying to get his temperature down further. It'll be a few hours before he's back in the room. Maybe not until morning. You'd best go home."

"When was the last time he was checked?" The Colonel asked.

"Ten! Regular rounds. We were weaning him off the pain medication. I can only think that had something to do with the adverse reaction."

"The leg?"

"It's not damaged any further. The infection is back in check. I don't see there should be a problem," Dr. Johnson said. "The worst is over. The fever has broke and I think we've finally nailed that infection down."

"What's next?" The Colonel's voice was unusually detached.

"We'll keep him out of it the rest of the day. I've ordered the pain medication back up to what it was. We'll try again tomorrow and keep the nurses checking on him. We might try new medication in case we're getting an allergic reaction."

"He'd rung the button for the nurse for fifteen minutes before he passed out from the pain. I was screaming for them when I was going up the hall and no one was around. They didn't answer his call for help," I said and I sounded as angry as I was about it.

"You can't be certain the reaction was pain-related. I'm sure there was some discomfort. I think it might have been...."

"I could be certain," I persisted. "He had a hold of my hand and he was hurting big time. He needed the godamn nurse to come when he rang. He wouldn't let me go. He doesn't ring that often. I've never seen him ring at all before."

"I'll see it doesn't happen again," Dr. Johnson said sweetly. "The nurses will respond when he rings from now on. No exception."

"No, you won't. I will see it doesn't happen again, Major. You will see that there are no more glitches in my son's recovery, is that clear?"

"I really think you should take a personal interest in this case because I have dinner with your superiors twice a week to discuss my son's progress. He's in this hospital because I trust it is the best care he can get anywhere on Earth. You will see to it that I am not mistaken in those beliefs?"

"Yes, sir," the Major said, standing stiffly as he listened to his orders.

He escaped as soon as the Colonel told him that was all.

"I've got to go back to work. We're on a special project. Why don't you take Martin and go home. He'll be out of his room for the rest of the day anyway," the Colonel said to his wife.

"You okay with that, Martin?" Greg's mom asked. "You look like you could use a break."

"Sure! My parents will be happy to see me home for dinner. It'll make their day."

I was exhausted by the time I got home. I went to bed and fell asleep as my head hit the pillow. When I got up my parents had been there, eaten dinner, never bothered to think I might have wandered home for a change, and had gone back out. Oh well, some days just don't work out all that well.

I started heating up the leftovers knowing that even when I was right I was wrong.

The phone rang while I was putting my dinner on the plate. Ah, timing is everything.

"Yeah!"

"Martin. Ted. Can I come over?"

"No, Ted. It's late."

"It's only eight-thirty. I had to work late."

"It's been a long day. Can we make it some other time?"

"Tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, tomorrow night. Meet me over at the base," I said, getting a really good idea.

"Just tell me when and where."

"Great!" I said.

The answer came to me while I was trying to figure out what to do about Ted. How is it I didn't see it right away?

George!

 

Discovering Gregory

Chapter 41

Coming Alive!

 

I took my time getting to the hospital and then sat in the cafeteria drinking coffee. I was in no hurry to see what they'd done to Greg. They'd said he would be all right and I accept that. They said there was no damage done, and I guess I accepted that. What I couldn't accept was the image of him lingering between life and death and my feeling helpless.

I suppose our entire relationship at hinged on living and dying since the day we met. It had always found a way to survive, or at least something kept surviving. The odds seemed against me. You never came up a winner every time even when there had never been a prize. I was more worried about him than my investment in him.

I glided past Nurse Attila about nine-thirty and pushed my way into his room. There he was, strung up just like he was the day before, back in the same position in the bed.

"Where you been?" He asked, putting down the magazine.

"Where have I been? What are you doing?"

"I've got a magazine and I'm staring in it. I guess I'm either reading or looking at the pictures."

His head was cocked toward me. The bed was hiked up at a forty-five degree angle. He had on a dark blue hospital issue pajama top with the air force logo emblazed in white over one pocket. It was unbuttoned and met the sheet that was still thrust up in his crotch between his two broken legs.

There was a tray, several glasses, and a plate on his bedstand. It was pushed to one side as it always was. He looked relatively good, especially when considering the way he looked the last time I saw him.

"How are you?" I asked, standing a bit dumbstruck in the middle of the room.

"Fine. You?"

"I'm fine. You were... you are...."

"Yes, I am. Are you going to sit down or what?'

"How are you like this."

"I don't know. Careful breeding I guess. What's your excuse?"

"Biological freak of nature."

"Martin, are you going to sit down. I can't keep staring up at you."

"Oh, you want to look down on me."

"You're hopeless. I'm fine. The fever broke last night. The infection is all but gone. That shouldn't happen again," he said, sounding like one of the doctors.

"You're so... so...."

"Beautiful? I have my moments."

"You looked so bad yesterday."

"I have been in the hospital you know."

"I figured you'd be out of it for another week."

"They've cut back on the pills. I should be okay. You going to be all right? I want you to come earlier."

"Why?"

"Boringggggggggggggggg! There's this one nurse. I'm sure she wants to kick my ass. I need some protection, dude."

"Nurse Attila," I said.

He started laughing.

"That's the one."

"Your father defanged her," I said, take ID from my shirt pocket and tossing it onto his stomach as I moved to the far side of the bed and opened the blinds just enough to that the sun wasn't shinning on us through the slats.

"You join up or what?"

"They hassled me about coming to see you. Next thing I know their giving me this. She just gets out of my way now."

"The old man has some pull. Rarely uses it," Greg said.

"He does when it comes to his son. He's been jumping on doctors and nurses ever since you got here. He doesn't take no for an answer when it comes to you."

"Really!"

"Really. We've all been worried," I said, sitting on the chair already positioned close to midway down the side of his bed.

"I'll be okay," he said.

"I was here yesterday. I saw what you call okay."

"Yeah, well, that's past as you can see. I'm back on my feet again, well, as close as I can get under these conditions."

"Pain?" I asked.

"A twinge now and then. Nothing I can't handle."

His hand eased off the magazine and came to rest on top of mine. I looked at it for a minute, admiring the thick well shaped fingers. His skin was shades darker than mine and he'd been indoors for weeks.

"I ain't been jerking off with it if that's what you're worried about," he said.

"I wish," I said, kissing the hand.

"Not that I haven't tried. Damn things on strike."

"That'll be the day," I said.

"Go ahead. You can try it. I bet it don't work."

"I can't forget yesterday."

"Yesterday's gone, Martin. All we got is right now because one day tomorrow will never come. I don't mind if you touch me."

"Right."

I leaned my chin on top of his hand and looked up at his eyes. They were on me. Not quite sparkling the way they could but as vivid a blue as it was possible to be. His hair seemed unusually dark. His chest was light and one nipple half peaked beyond the edge of the pajama top. The bruises were all gone from his face but marks marked where the deepest scrapes had been. I tried not to see this beautiful boy being bashed by a car but it was all screeching tires and breaking glass in my brain.

"I'm all right. Quit looking so sad, will you. Say something sarcastic or something so I know you're okay."

"I'm fine. You look good. Not as good as you can but better than you did."

"Thank you. I think," he said softly.

"What are you reading?'

"Ray Bradbury."

"You like sci-fi?"

"It's okay," he said.

"I write sci-fi," I said.

"You do? I mean you write?"

"Yeah."

"You ever write about me?" He asked more seriously, setting the magazine aside.

"I wouldn't know what to say."

"Good! I wouldn't want to read about myself in some cheap novel. I'd hate to read what you would say about me."

"You couldn't be cheap no matter how I wrote it. I could describe how we met," I offered, smiling at the thought.

"Alfie and me was walking down Shultz. That gravel road behind your house. You were coming up as we were walking down. You kept staring at us, me. We stopped and your eyes were all over me. I knew what you wanted right off. Alfie said no. You were just one of the townies. He was the first one of you types I met."

"You mean pool-players," I said.

"I wouldn't call you guys pool-players. That was the attraction."

"You turned around once you started to walk away," I reminded him.

"I knew you'd be looking at my ass. I knew you were a dreamer right-off. I just wanted you to know I knew what you wanted."

"I've been looking for a long time."

"I liked you, Martin. I liked you right away. My dick was stiff all the way home."

"Nice for Alfred," I said sternly.

"Will you cut it out. I was sixteen and more horny than the law allows. Anything was better than nothing."

"Alfred wasn't that bad," I protested.

"That's not what I said. You were always a pain in the ass."

"And Alfie's?"

"He yelled a little. Tight fucking butthole but we're talking about you. I might have been a pain in his ass but you're the pain in mine."

"I have that affect on people."

"You were always in my face, you know. I'd think that maybe we could get something done and the next thing I knew you were giving me shit about something that didn't mean anything. I could never figure out where we stood. You're a tough little fucker when you want to be. And then there's Douglas."

"You leave Doug out of this. There's nothing wrong with Doug. He's probably the best son your parents have. Might be a closer call than I thought."

"Jesus, there you go again. Doug's better than the lot of us, Martin. You don't think I know that? He's my brother! He'd do anything for anyone. I feel like an animal when I see how kind and gentle my brother is. And it's no act. I could never be like him. I don't feel like that about anybody. Don't ever expect that. I want what I want and I aim to get it pretty damn quick."

"What do you want?"

"To get out of here."

"I mean really. What do you want that's within the realm of the possible?"

"Money! Girls! Lots of girls, and some respect from you."

"Respect. I've told you how I feel."

"No, I don't mean that. I see how you look at me. It's the same look you gave me that first time you came up to a party. You look down your nose at me every time my dick gets hard. You're so in control all the time, and I hate that."

"I don't know what you mean."

"That's 'cause you never listen. You've got this long, hard way of looking at me. It says it all. It always pisses me off because you see through me. You know exactly what I am and you never give a fucking inch on anything. I hate that."

"I'm a kid. What do I know?"

"Martin, you were what, fifteen, when I first saw you?"

"Fourteen. Almost fifteen."

"You were no kid. You had me pegged. That pissed me off too. You might have been a kid but you knew as much as I did about what was going on between us. I'd have bet a dollar to a donut you would be looking at me when I looked back over my shoulder that day. Most guys never let you catch them looking at what they want."

"I had never done anything. I never knew anything before I met you. You pushed the on-button."

"You knew plenty. You just didn't do anything about what you knew before you met me."

"I respect you. I wish I had the affect on people that you do."

"No you don't. You might love me but you have no respect for me."

"If I love you, and I'm not saying I do, how could I not respect you? That makes no sense, Greg."

"You already told me you did, so just get over yourself on that one."

"Oh, you do remember that?"

"I remember what I need to remember."

"I lie some times," I said, as he fumbled with the ice container on his sterile night table.

I got up and walked around the bed remembering the last time he needed ice. I wanted to calm him down without pissing him off even more. Sitting on the edge of the bed I removed the spoon half full of ice and slipped it in-between his lovely lips while making no eye contact.

His eyes were glued to me as he watched every move I made. I finally gave in to his smiling eyes that penetrating deep into me. I smiled a little smile, a respectful smile. I repeated the deal with the ice several times, and on the last shovel full he held my wrist after he spit out the spoon.

"There are some things you can't lie about," Greg said, holding onto my wrist gently but firmly.

He checked out how close my leg was to his shoulder. He knew where my crotch was in relationship to his mouth but he ignored that, looking straight back up at my face, by- passing my best part. I still felt the heat coming off of my desire. I thought of letting my hand rest on his belly before I let it slip down under that knotted bit of sheet that didn't even cover all of his pubic hair most of the time.

I knew I could just let my hand slip down on it and I'd prove to him that he was every bit the man he always was. He might have doubts but I had none. I could smell his manliness. I knew he hadn't completely awakened quite yet but there would be time enough for that.

Of course we both knew I loved him. I wasn't sure he hadn't known even before I had told him at the picnic table near the mountain house. I remembered the way he had looked at me after he walked away from that particular confession. There was contempt on his face for me but it was wrapped up in something I hadn't been able to identify back then. I thought maybe Greg loved me deep down inside but it was a love he didn't understand and could never acknowledge beyond the confines of a bed or some other place where we might end up having sex one day.

Greg would find it next to impossible to admit to himself that he actually loved another man. That was against his rules. After all, he was a man, and real men can't love other men, at least not in that way. Not in the way I loved him. I inexplicably knew of the contradiction inside him. I had known about it for a long time but I had refused to admit it. Perhaps that was the source of the conflict between us. Perhaps I wasn't the only one on the road that day that felt something stirring inside that was born out of another boy's stare. Had he known as long as I had known? Did he know anything except....Greg?

Even though he was taking Alfie home to fuck him and even though any number of boys satisfied his hunger for sex, he couldn't accept that receiving was little different from giving in that arena. The rupture between him and Kent became clear right then. It had come from the carnal knowledge that had passed between them because Kent would dare to think it was okay for him to do to the King what the King so eagerly did to him on numerous occasions under identical circumstances. The fact that other boys had bore witness to the transgression made it necessary for Greg to deny that it ever happened.

Even though all of it made perfect sense to me before, there was also the thought that even getting fucked could be easily enough dismissed by the oft used phrase, "I was so drunk last night, I don't remember a thing."

Of course few boys were going to admit what they had done to you while you were too drunk to resist them. None of the guys I had met were that bold and then it became the secret they kept and the recipient of their lustful advances was suddenly without sin in the matter.

Greg was the King and he, above all others, could have easily invoked the magic words. Who would dare question the King? So, there had to be another reason why Greg found it necessary to break off all contact with Kent. What had he felt that all the other boys hadn't felt when he was top dog to their eager bottoms?

What was really inside of him?

What did he know and when did he know it?

Why was it so easy for him to draw me back into his life?

How could he so easily cut someone out?

"Where'd you go?" He asked, shaking me back to the hospital room.

"Oh, just thinking," I said, as I put away the spoon and covered the ice bucket with care, avoiding his eyes for fear of giving away my questioning heart.

"You do that a lot."

"Yeah," I said. "I like knowing what I know. Some times it requires some thought to sort it all out."

"What do you know about me?"

"I know I don't know you very well. I know I want to know you real well. I'm just not sure I ever will," I said, returning to the chair while trying not to deal with his question.

"Why not?" He said, trying to see inside my head. "I'm not that bad when you get to know me."

"I don't know you'll really let me know you. I don't actually know that you know yourself."

"What kind of crack is that? What do you want to know?" It was a rhetorical question offered up as a peace treaty so we didn't need to dwell on the details.

I knew there were no answers I was entitled to just then. He certainly wasn't going to tell me what I really wanted to know about him. Even so, it was different between us now. We were bonded in a way we hadn't been bonded before. What that would ultimately mean I didn't know. Yes, I waited on him hand and foot. His every wish was my command. I loved waiting on him, making sure he had what he wanted. I was comfortable with that as long as he was. I was the only one that sat close to his bed and held his hand.

I watched him eat at lunch but I didn't leave to eat. I had come late and I calculated I owed him the entire day. He left the lime jello for me. It was the only solid food he got. I didn't eat it either. I wondered what color it might turn if it rotted.

There was small talk and no talk and then the television mumbled on in the background. He put on Days Of Our Lives and was actually looking at it a couple of times when I looked at him. I liked looking out the window at the traffic and the cars and the world that moved on beyond our little corner of it.

I was going to ask my parents for a car, I thought. I never asked for anything. I had done well in school the last few years. Why not ask? All they could say was no? Yeah, I was going to ask. They'd said no before. They'd hardly need to think about it, but it was good thinking about making them think about me.

"You're doing it again," he said as the news came on at five.

I was doing it again. An hour had passed and I didn't have a clue where the hell I had been or where it went. It was then, I remembered Ted, and George, and the matchmaking mission I was on with them. I needed to prepare Greg so he wouldn't go off on me again. My mind was still working on what I was going say when it took care of itself as complications often do.

"What?" I answered.

"Your impression of a space cadet. You do that so well. You might want to work that into your job description. Star Voyager!" He quipped in a harmless enough way.

"Oh, I was somewhere else."

"Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better.  And you had me thinking I was irresistible."

"You are. I've got to go back to school next week," I said for no reason while I was still trying to work in Ted and George.

"Don't go," he said in a sudden protest.

"Yeah, right, I'll bring my parent over and you can tell them that I need to be by my boyfriends bed all day every day."

I said it on purpose and I wasn't sorry. He didn't say anything, but he gave me that long hard stare that told me I was treading on thin ice. There wasn't a clue what went on behind those eyes. I wanted to jump up and throw a lip lock on him. He certainly couldn't fight me off.

I wanted to cover his face with passionate kisses. I wanted to make love to him right there while he was helpless and couldn't slip my advances. I wanted him to like me for a change, but what I got was that stare and that cooled off the kissing idea. I could have taken him and there wasn't much he could do about it. I had the upper hand now. We were on my dime and he knew it too, but then I had to live with the fallout from whatever I did or said. I still wasn't quite ready to risk the rejection that might come my way.

"Hey! That nurse didn't seem too friendly," Ted said, sticking his head in the room. "You ready? I'm starved. I didn't eat lunch thinking about taking you out. I thought I'd take you across the street to the restaurant at the American Motel. They tell me the food is great. Hi, I'm Ted. Is this your friend. Man, what the hell happened to you?"

"Yes," I said, as Ted stuck out his hand while looking at the sheet that was stuffed into Greg's crotch.

I could see his mind working on it, wanting it to slip away to reveal Greg's secrets. Just what I needed, reinforcements to hold him down for me.

"Take a picture. It'll last longer," Greg growled, ignoring the hand, but not me.

The how dare you look came to him all at once. The cold stare turned to a stony gaze of anger. If looks could kill, just then I would have been dead meat. I had forgotten to remember to tell Greg about Ted and George. Well, he was bound to find out sooner or later. I guess it was sooner.

"I can see why you spend all your time here," Ted said, looking at Greg's stomach and chest. "He's like a captive audience. You could do anything you want to him and he couldn't stop you."

It's not so much what he said but the evil intent he said it with. I think Ted would have been more than happy to hold him down for me, or have me hold him down for him. You learn more about people every day. The All-American boy had a streak of lechery running through him but didn't we all.

"What's he doing here?" Greg demanded, ignoring him and wanting an answer. "You're going to bring your boyfriends up here to parade in front of my bed to remind me I can't get it up? You can go now, Martin. Don't bother coming back. You're a real piece of work, you know. You really piss me off. You really do you know. You've pulled a lot of shit but this is the worst."

The anger and hostility was back in a flash. There was no time for explanations. Between Greg and Ted, there wasn't much time for me to get a word in edge ways. Ted seemed unmoved by the turmoil and quite attracted to Greg's sheet. .

"I'll leave, Greg. Give me a couple of minutes and I'll be out of your hair," I said.

Just then I knew it was never going to change between us. I was going to love him and he was going to find a reason to hate me. He spent a lot of time hating me over the time I had known him. I guess I knew all along that the inevitable was inevitable. I had never hung my heart on hoping he'd finally see the error of his ways. Maybe it was better I hadn't explained. Maybe we were both better off just getting out of each other's life.

"Martin! Having a party or what?" George said, sticking his head in the door in-between rounds. "What's happening Greg? You look good for a sick man. Sorry I'm late. No place to park. I'll probably get a ticket. Why the long faces? Whose he?"

"What's he doing here?" Greg exclaimed in disbelief.

I searched for the gadget with the emergency button on it so I knew where it was in case he blew another gasket. It was time to cut my loses.

Greg was turning six shades of red as he stared at gorgeous George, who was decked out in dress blues, wearing his white gloves with that white hat shoved up under his armpit as he walked at attention on to center stage. Life is totally fucked some times. Timing is everything and mine wasn't improving with age.

Ted stared at George, George stared at Greg, and Greg stared at me and turned even redder. I got up and hugged George, holding it for long enough to feel him embracing me fondly. I didn't have it easy and I wasn't going to make it easy on Greg. I knew what he thought and he'd just have to let it unfold because I wasn't sure how it was going to go. Getting out of there as quick as I could seemed best but first I had to finish what I started.

"I'm going to stay with Greg. I think," I said, glancing back at Greg as I backed up from George. "I was late this morning and I'm not ready to leave just yet, but this is my friend Ted, and I knew you guys would hit it off. He's looking for a good friend, George. He's anxious to make a good friend. I thought of you. He's from Ohio."

Ted was now staring at George's exquisite face. His green fatigues were no match for George's dress uniform but they sure did make a handsome couple. I wanted to see their first child. He'd be a twelve for sure.

"I'm Ted," Ted said, handing George his hand as he stared.

"Yeah, that's what he said. I'm George. I was taking Martin to dinner. How about we go? I think that's what he has in mind. He's loved this one as far back as I can remember. We don't have a chance as long as he's still alive and I'm afraid he looks pretty good in spite of the wear and tear."

George ignored everyone but Ted and had his hand in the middle of his back, trying to encourage him toward the door before the next round broke out, I'm sure.

"He's not half bad looking," Ted said, letting his eyes go back to the sheet between Greg's legs.

"Come on," George said. "I'm hungry. You look good enough to eat yourself. You ever been to Cleveland, Teddy Bear?"

"I'm from Ohio," Ted said with a childish innocence as if that said it all.

"I've never been to Cleveland. Why don't you tell me all about it."

Ted smiled and in no time they were gone and the room got very quiet. I moved back to the window and looked out.

"I guess it's always going to be like this," I said. "I can't deal with it, Greg. I want to be here for you but you're going to make it impossible, and I'm tired of pissing you off all the time. I'm really tired. I'll go because you asked me to go. You just remember it wasn't my idea. I want you to remember there is no next time. This was it. I wanted to make sure you were okay. You're okay. You don't need me any more."

I didn't want him to see the tears. I would turn away from the bed to leave so he couldn't see the tears. I didn't want to look at him because that might slow me down long enough to change my mind. He couldn't keep pushing me away and expecting that I'd come back every time. He had to know that sooner or later would come the last insult and the final argument.

I headed for the door.

"Don't leave me, please!" he said with a hitch in his voice. "I thought they were...."

"I know what you thought. How could I explain it to you? I knew what I was doing. They both want to get serious and I've got my hands full with you for the time being," I said. "This was the easiest way to get them together."

I stood with my hand on the door, hanging on his words.

"Time being? What about after the time being?" He asked, and I looked at him as I opened the door.

"I can't keep doing this, Greg. I love you enough......to walk away. There's no point in me aggravating you all the time."

"I'll be good. I promise. I just thought...."

"I don't know, Greg. You'll just find something else to be pissed-off about."

"I won't. If I don't will you stay? Just give me a few more minutes. Don't leave right now. That nurse is going to come in with my dinner. You can protect me," he said with a coy smile and a luster in his eyes as if he knew he had me back on the hook and there was really no escaping him once he turned on the charm.

"That's up to you. I'm here. I could be anywhere I want to be. I'm here. You tell me when to go but the next time you tell me like that... I'm gone for good."

"I don't know why I do that," he was suddenly explaining. "I just go off when you... when I.... I don't know what I mean. When I wake up and you aren't there, I'm scared. I feel so alone. Just don't leave me, okay? Not right now."

"I'm here," I said, sitting back in the chair and curling my fingers into his.

I kissed the back of his hand and each finger before pulling it over to rub it on my cheek. He was all smiles as he watched me love him.

Then I noticed something that I'd never seen - there were tears in his eyes. I'm sure there were still tears in mine, but seeing them in his just did a job on me.

He had been to hell and back and for the time being he was mine. There was no telling how long that would last or if, as he grew stronger, he'd no longer need me as much or at all.

Right now I was all he had and that suited me fine. Tomorrow would take care of itself.

It always did.