“With a taste of your lips, I’m on a ride… You’re toxic I’m slippin’ under…”
— Current Day —
“I knew it was too good to be true for me…but did that stop me? No, not at all… I should have know better but who am I kidding? After the life I’ve had who would think twice about me? I stood there on the edge of that bridge looking at the water below…who would miss me? My parents are gone and my brother doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. The one guy I thought liked me all this time pushed me away after I kissed him. Great no one wants me. And after relapsing again I didn’t have care in the world. The water below me looked more and more inviting. I felt my mind and my body just giving up. “Just let go you know you’re nothing more than a piece of ass!!” My ex’s voice was playing in my head…
I looked down one more time and slowly finger by finger I began to let go, to rid myself of this pain inside. Rid the world of a worthless person such as myself. With that I let go and began my journey out of this world….
— 3 years ago —
The day my brother and I will never forget. We both handled it way differently than the other that’s for damn sure.
I should start by saying my name is Flynn Jacobs. I’m 18 years old and just graduated high school class valedictorian and on my way to college in the fall. I’m 6’1” 195 pounds of lean muscle from playing tennis since I was a kid, with dirty blonde hair that looks like I have salon highlights but it’s just the way the sun changes my hair and olive tanned skin from being outside all day. I have everything in the world going for me and everything right in the palm of my hand. Or so I thought at the time. My older Bryan is 22 and almost done with college. Stereotypical 6’3” 240 pounds of football muscle but he has brown hair like our father. I have the same hair color as our mother.
Oh I should mention that I’m gay like 100% gay, knew it from when I was young. I never liked the girls like the other boys did growing up. When I came out at 14 my family was the least bit shocked. My parents smiled and said they would love me no matter what and hugged me. My big brother laughed and said and I quote “no shit Sherlock!? We’ve know that since you could talk! But I still love you little bro!” he gave me a big hug and I cried happy tears and was glad my fears were not rationalized. I was prepared to deal with the worst, but got the best. As I was saying I had the world in the palm of my hands. Accepting family, good grades in school enough to be in the top 3 in high school every year and I was on the varsity tennis team and good looking. Every high school jocks dream right? Or so I thought. I had this one boyfriend throughout high school that on the outside he was nice and sweet and loved me or so I thought. Everyone thought we were cute together. What people didn’t know is that my picture perfect relationship with my boyfriend Lewis, was far from perfect. He was a few inches shorter than me at 5’10” and weighed about 230 pounds from weightlifting and had this dazzling smile that melted me everytime I saw it. His short brown hair was cut military style and framed his rugged for a high school kids face, compared to my more blonde surfer boy haircut I had going on. We started out in the same class as freshman in English and at first I wasn’t sure if he was into me, but the moment I saw him walk into the classroom, boom my heart fluttered and my dick stirred in my pants. Took about three months for him to say anything to me as we were partnered together by the teacher for an assignment from then on well you can guess what happened. Now here senior year we were still together but I had some secrets I was not telling anyone. Not even my brother who I considered my best friend in the world.
The day I’ll never forget was like any normal day right before graduation senior year. I had met Lewis and some of our other friends at school that morning and we all went our separate ways to class. Bryan was off at college and my parents had left for a work trip for my dad. My dad worked for a hotel chain and often flew him around the country to help open new locations. Occasionally we all would go with him, but this time since school was going on and I was so close to being done with my senior year, that Bryan and I stayed back, but my mom had gone with him. The school day was like every other day and I was on my way to practice after school when Lewis grabbed me and pulled me into a deep kiss and pulled me into a secluded part of the school we always seemed to sneak off to when we wanted to be naughty.
“I missed this sweet ass Flynn…I need to have it now…” I moaned into his mouth while he squeezed my ass through my gym shorts. “Well you better hurry I can’t be late for practice or coach will kill me, but I miss your cock inside me baby…” Lewis grinned and slid my shorts down just enough to pull his thick 7” cock out of his jeans and spit on it and slid it right inside me. He pounded my ass relentlessly while holding my mouth to keep me from moaning too loud to be caught. “Aww fuck…” Lewis groaned and blew his load inside my awaiting hole. I was jerking my cock and right after he unloaded in me I shot my load on the floor below us. He kissed me and put his cock away. “See ya later babe..” and ran off leaving me there. That seemed to be happening more and more often. But I just left it alone. I had just pulled my shorts back up and readjusted myself from my quickie with my boyfriend when I checked my phone and noticed Bryan had tried calling me 8 times and I had like 10 missed texts. “Flynn…where are you? I know you’re not at practice yet!” “Answer me!” “It’s about mom and dad!” Oh shit I thought to myself.
I called Bryan back. “Flynn! Where are you why didn’t you answer me!? I know you’re not at practice yet!?” “Well Lewis and I…” “bro gross I don’t need to hear that…” “well dumbass you asked and well…” “ok that’s enough. Flynn I have some bad news to tell you…” my stomach started doing somersaults and I was worried. His texts said something about our parents. My mind was racing… “Flynn…Flynn are you there?” “Oh yeah I’m here what’s the bad news?” “It’s mom and dad…well their flight never made it to California…” “What do you mean never made it? Did they get delayed or something?” “Flynn for someone so smart…you’re not getting this…their flight didn’t make it because…” I could hear my normally unemotional big brother starting to choke back tears. “Oh god…Bryan no please don’t…” “Yeah…their plane crashed outside of Denver due to a freak snow storm that came out of nowhere. It looks like no one survived the crash.” I just went numb. I dropped my phone on the ground and just crumpled up under the weight of grief. “Flynn! Flynn!” I could hear Bryan yelling at me. I grabbed my phone and put it back to my ear. “I’m here…how…what..” I was mumbling and trying to speak as coherently as someone who just heard that both his parents had died in a horrific plane crash. “Flynn are you going to be ok tonight? I know I won’t be able to fly back home to you until tomorrow afternoon. All the flights are booked from late spring breakers and that shit.” I blinked my eyes and composed myself for a bit. “Yeah I’ll be ok…love you Bryan.” “I love you too Flynn. I’ll see you tomorrow little bro. You need anything call me asap please!” “I will.”
I slowly walked to practice and by that time I was already 40 mins late and the coach saw me walking up but he could tell something was off as I wasn’t my happy go lucky cheerful self. “Jacobs…are you ok? You’re 40 minutes late for practice…” I just looked at him and broke down. He pulled me into his office and I told him everything I had just found out from Bryan. He consoled me and asked if I would be ok to drive home and that I could skip the rest of practice that day after everything that just happened. I thanked him and walked to my truck and went home.
Walking into the house after the news and realizing that I was all alone was scary. I needed to numb the pain. I secretly had been taking adderall and other drugs that Lewis had introduced to me, to keep my body going. With all the pressures of being class valedictorian, a tennis god everyone called me, college coming up and my anxiety of having to be perfect, I had begun some not so healthy habits. I opened my dad’s liquor cabinet and found the vodka. I flung off the cap and took a huge swig of it. And another and another. I carried the bottle upstairs to my room and found some of my stash I had hidden away from the world and popped something. I didn’t even look and chased it down with another swig of vodka. I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell I was going to do now. Drifting off…into nothing land. And there began my downward spiral.
— Current Day: 2 hours ago —
I knew I had already hit rock bottom. Is there anything lower than that? Because that’s where I would be. After my parents death I had spiraled out of control.. My drinking and drug use had become an absolute problem. That day they died and the weeks after playing in my head.
I graduated 2 weeks after all of the events that happened with my parents deaths and their subsequent funerals of course I was still class valedictorian and for what everyone else could see I was “holding it together” but what they didn’t know is I was numb and masking the pain and my addiction had started to take control. Bryan had come back home to help me take care of things and look after me. But after a while he was getting pretty fed up with my antics. Lewis my boyfriend had been pulling away from me before everything had happened and had dumped me becuase of my problems, which I found pretty ironic as he was the one that introduced me to all this stuff, but I also suspected he was getting tired of the pretty boy and wanted something else. But that’s not before he took advantage of me in my inebriated state one night after a fight and us breaking up that he raped me becuase he was mad at me and thought hate fucking me and beating me up would wake me up. Nope not at all. I was a shell of my former self. He left me and everything just got even worse after that.
I tried to sober up for a little while after Bryan had threatened to kick me out and I begged Lewis for another chance. Why I have no clue but I went crawling back to him because the fear and anxiety of being alone I knew would get me if I didn’t have some people around. That didn’t last long. Man I am a messed up fuck. But after Bryan threatened me I decided I needed to cut Lewis put for good and get my life back together.
Things were starting to get better and I had gotten sobered up for about 8 months when I found out that Lewis had been cheating on me the entire time. Of course that drove me to the bottle and I got plastered. I was sitting at the bar drinking when someone I recognized had walked in and saw me there. It was Bryan’s best friend Adam. “Flynn…is that you? You don’t look so good buddy.” I was drunk and I had always thought he was cute… “Well hey there stud…I mean Adam..” Smooth Flynn really smooth. He sat down next to me and asked me how I had been. I gave him a drunken run down of my life, even though I know he pretty much knows since he’s Bryan’s befriend from kindergarten but he sat there and he listened to me ramble in my drunken state. I sat there looking at him…”why haven’t I really just looked at this man before. I know he’s cute but I never looked at him like that while I was with Lewis. Yeah I had a drinking problem and took the occasional drug for fun but I never cheated on Lewis the entire 4 years we had been together. Him on the other hand well you know what led me here to this bar…” I don’t have a clue what I was thinking but I heard him talking to me and I just heard “blah blah blah blah” and I leaned towards him and he caught me. “Whoa…Flynn buddy are you ok? Let’s take you home.” “Whatever you say stud.” I was only ever brave to say anything like that while hammered. Otherwise my anxiety would take over and I’d shy away from these things. Only when I played tennis in school did I shine and have confidence.
Adam just laughed at me and then helped me get into his truck and drove me home. “Are you sure you’re ok Flynn? I’ve seen you fucked up before but this is another level.” I looked at him and smiled. “Yeah I’m fine. Just found out Lewis had been cheating on me the entire time we were together. And the day we broke up he raped me and beat me up so you know normal shit…” Adam looked at me shocked. “Dude that isn’t normal shit at all! That fucking piece of shit. I knew you were too good for him. I would nev…” and he stopped talking. I looked at him. “Adam…what did you just say? You would never what?” I knew it! I knew my brother’s best friend had the hots for me. I could tell sometimes by the way he would watch me or steal glances at me growing up that he thought I didn’t see. “Nothing nothing Flynn.” It was dark but I could tell he was blushing even in my fucked up drunken state I could tell. By that time we had pulled up into the driveway of my house and I knew Bryan was home. He had moved back after mom and dad died and transferred to school here in Ohio from Florida. “Well thanks for the ride Adam.” I winked at him and laughed. I tried to get out of the truck and my dumbass fell out and scraped my arm going down. “Great…” I thought. Adam had gotten out of the truck and helped me up and to the door. He grabbed my keys and unlocked the door and helped me inside. It was dark in the house, so Bryan must have been in bed already. “Score no lecture tonight!” Adam helped me up to my room.
“Alright there you go bud. Be quiet and sleep it off and don’t wake your brother up.” Adam’s said helping me to my bed. I stared at his beautiful face and went for it. I grabbed his face and kissed him. And at first he was shocked but then he stared kissing me back. Then all hell broke loose. “What the fuck did I just walk in on?” It was Bryan. He was awake and he knew of course he knew I was drunk. I’m sure Adam told him he found me and was being me him. “Flynn damnit I told you one more time and you’re out. I can’t do this anymore. I love you but fuck you’re wasted as hell and I find out putting the moves on Adam when he’s not even gay! What the fuck bro!?” Adam pushed me off him hard and I felt my heart shatter again. How the hell can this happen to me all the time? Just being used. So I use to mask the pain. Adam got up “yeah don’t do that again ever.” He was really mean about it to and left the room and I heard the front door close and he was gone. “Well…I’m waiting get your shit and get out!” I looked at him in my drunken state. “Are you seriously kicking me out right nowwww” I slurred my words. “It’s 3am you piece of shit!” Bryan stood firm and I could see the tears forming in his eyes. He told me he couldn’t do it anymore. He loved me to death and we were all eachother had but he couldn’t stand her and watch his baby brother destroy his life anymore. “You are not the same guy anymore Flynn. I love you baby bro but I can’t keep doing this. I’ve almost lost my job and the house trying to get you to clean yourself up. You had so much promise and had the world in the palms of your hands and then you go and fuck it all up from drinking and drugs. I know I miss mom and dad too but you don’t see me doing this shit! I need you gone. I love you but you need to leave. Now.” He was crying as he left and who could blame him. I was a trouble maker now and no one could get through to me and I was doing more harm to everyone in my life. So I grabbed my backpack with my wallet and phone and some clothes and stumbled out the front door never planning on going back.
— Current Day: Now —
I stumbled along until I found the river bridge that I would always fish from drowning up with Bryan and my dad. I sat there just looking out into the darkness, hearing the water running below me. So powerful so breathtaking. Breath taking huh…this is it. “I’m done I can’t go on like this anymore…” I climbed up further and stood on that ledge…
After relapsing and being drunk I didn’t care anymore.
The water below me looked more and more inviting. I felt my mind and my body just giving up.
One by one I let go of the bridge, finger by finger and just began my decent to leaving this world. What I didn’t know is that fate had other plans and someone had seen me climb up there and at the last minute I heard “stop don’t do this! It doesn’t have to end this way! Come down and I can help!”
I thought oh well too late. I don’t care and let go.
I see the white light and started to wake up. I hear beeping and voices but have no idea where I am. I open my eyes to find the most handsome man with green eyes and light brown hair cut so nice staring back at me. He’s wearing workout clothes that clings to every muscle on his very impressive body and he’s holding my hand.
“Where am I? And who are you?” I asked the beautiful stranger.
“I’m officer Kyle Roberts and I’m the one that saved you…”
“I’m alive? Well fuck…”
“Yes you are…is that a bad thing?” He says.
“It is when you get to know me…” and I drifted back off to sleep from the pain and tiredness.
This is all just a dream…yeah it’s a dream and I’m not hallucinating.
Or am I?
Please if you or someone you know have these thoughts please know it’s ok to get help. Someone is always there even if you think they aren’t.
