Told myself I wouldn’t do this again…
Promised myself…
Damn…
Got this young man in my arms now. Knew he was strugglin.
Didn’t know he had this sorta pain in him…
Should let him go but…
Don’t want to …
Damn…
I’m in a real situation..
Knew we both were in trouble the moment me and Mac lay eyes on one another. Way my stomach lurch when JJ bring him to the ranch.
God that boy is beautiful…
First thing I thought was how much I wanna get my hands on that hard, little body.
I felt some shame bout that.
He didn't come here for my fantasies. Came here to better himself, and I agreed to help make that happen.
But, that's how men be.
Shouldn't make that my excuse, but when a man see someone he wants, first thing we think is what we gonna do when we get our hands on them.
Could see he was doin the same thing. Eyes goin over every inch of my body, lookin down at my swellin bulge.
Ever since he got here, at the beginnin of summer, Mac keep lookin at me like that, and I don’t do nothin to stop it.
Then those brown eyes began lookin at me in a different way…
Like I’m somethin more than I am.
Can’t lie. When he lookin at me like that, it make me feel some sorta way. Not all proud and full of myself.
Like…
Guess like when me and Cary were here at the ranch together…
The way I imagine I used to look at him. Back when we were kids, and he show me parts of myself I was afraid to look at. Not like I didn’t have them buried deep within me already.
Didn’t mention all this before but…
Now with Mac like this.
Got me thinkin bout them days.
So, lIke I said before, I came to work at the ranch for the first time back in fifty-seven. I was sixteen and strong as a fuckin ox. All the girls paid me a lot of attention then. A lot of them thought they’d be the one to get me to start talkin more. I think a lot of women be like that when it comes to men. Feel like they can change a man from who he is given enough time. They don’t know I wasn’t like other men.
I start workin at the ranch to help my daddy. Contribute to my family household.
I had heard bout Cary Tremain. Heard he was a handsome young fella, but I hadn’t ever met him on account he live with his mama for a time before he moved out to stay with his daddy.
I was never the type to take much stock in rumors, but I can tell you the second I saw Cary for the first time, It scared the shit outta me. Turn out there was truth to what was bein said bout him
I thought Cary was the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen in my life. Couldn’t deny that no matter how hard I tried.
His daddy, Mr. Tremain, was a white man, but his mama come from the Osage Indian reservation, a few miles from out of town. Mr. Tremain wanted to be with Cary’s momma, but both their families didn’t allow it. That didn’t stop them from meeting up in secret.
I only see her in pictures around the ranch house. She was a beauty. She was why Cary inherited his skin, similar in color to brown sugar, and his lean body, long nose, and straight, black hair. If he wanted, he could grow it all the way down his back. His daddy gave him his ears that stick out a bit, and the shape of his face, given Cary his strong jaw. My favorite part was his eyes he say were hazel. Sometimes find myself not able to look at him cause they so beautiful
Yep, I was down pretty hard for him right from the get go.
First time we talk was at the ranch house when my daddy first introduced us. I mumble out a greetin to him. Cary was quick to pick up that I'm bout as outgoin as a prostitute in a convent, so he dig right into me the first chance he got. Say the reason why I don't talk much cause I got more muscle than brains in my head. Can’t say he wrong, and he just laugh and say he just fuckin with me. I wasn’t bothered by it though. He liked that bout me, and we became good friends right off.
I never had anyone befriend me like Cary did. At first I thought he was just being polite since my daddy was a longtime ranch hand out here, but It didn’t take long before I figured he actually liked me. He always insistin on teachin me the ropes round the ranch, then he hang out with me long after sundown makin sure I felt at home. Say he like that I didn’t change who I was to impress anyone. That I was genuine. Truth was I couldn’t help that. I had no choice but to be who I was. Who else am I gonna be?
But that weren’t the only reason he hang out with me.
That first weekend we snuck out one night with some beers, and went to the lake bout two miles away from his family’s property for what he called the ranch initiation. We started drinkin on the way, and by the time we got there, we already got two beers in each of us. When we get there, Cary went to the edge of it, lookin at the moon shinin on the water, sorta just thinkin to himself for a long time while I sit on the ground behind him relaxin.
“Too nice a night not to go swimming.” Cary finally say, and I think he’s bout to jump in with all his clothes on, but he starts to strip.
Can’t tell you how much my heart start beatin, seein that beautiful boy take off his clothes.. He didn’t have muscles like me, but his body was nice and toned from all the hard work he’d been doin over the years as the son of a rancher. Had a broad chest and shoulders with his dark brown nips, a long torso, and slim waist. He stop just shy of his underwear, and without thinkin my eyes go straight to his junk. He notice of course, and give me a sly look then say.
“Your turn…”
My whole body heat up like a fuckin furnace. There was no way I could do that. Already tryna hide my hard-on. He know bout me second he see that
“Don’t be a chicken muscle head. Let’s see what you got.” He say and start makin cluckin noises at me. I couldn’t have that. I stripped down to my shorts, and he look at me, scannin my body up and down with his eyes…hungry like.
“Lookin good Flint…” He said then jump into the lake. Starts hootin and hollerin bout how cold it is, and I can’t help but start laughin, even though I”m scared as all hell. It help that I’m tipsy from the beers, and just bein with Cary always make me happy and do things I wouldn’t normally do.
Nearly did chicken out, but took another beer, chugged the whole thing down in one go, then jumped in after him.
Water was cold as all hell. My balls shrink right up in me and I start hollerin too. Before I could do anythin else, Cary jump on top me and dunk my head. I come up out the water gaspin, and he laughin at me like a fuckin hyena, splashin me even more. Then of course I go after him and we start wrestlin. He surprised me by how much stronger he was than I first guess. Give me a run for my money, but I finally get the better of him, put him in a bear hug that he can’t get out of and he finally give up.
When I try to let him go he hang on to me. At first I think he still want to wrestle more, but then I see he lookin at me in a different way. In a way that make my heart race in my chest so hard I think it might fly up and out my throat. His eyes got that hungry look in them again, and I stop laughin, my whole body freeze up in a way that got nothin to do with the water. He push in closer, put his forehead on mine. Then before I know it, Cary start kissing me hard and desperate, shovin his tongue right down my throat. My whole body react; Become all warm and tingly. I pull his body into me and start kissin him back, pressin myself against his body, my chest, my stomach, my waste. That’s when he pull away, big smile on his handsome face.
“Damn muscle head, everything on you big. “ He say lookin down at my dick, which standin at full attention. We start kissing again and we can’t stop. That lead to foolin round,, strokin each other, explorin each other's bodies. He say it aint fag shit. Just bein curious, and I don’t say I disagree. I don’t know better, so I believe him.
After that night, I learn how to raise and train horses, and I have the best summer my life with Cary. Every chance we get we sneak off and fool around, find somewhere to start makin out for hours, which lead to other things every time. Two horny boys just enjoying each other. Then lay round naked while he talk bout whatever come to his mind, and all I do is listen, enjoyin his warm body against mine…
Lyin my head on his chest, closin my eyes, listenin to his heartbeat…
It truly felt like what I thought heaven would be like.
But that be the thinkin of a sixteen year old boy. Course it come to an end lIke everythin else.
Unlike me, Cary hadn’t left school, so when it started up again that fall we started seein each other less. I understood that was gonna happen, and I thought I’d be okay with it, but bout two weeks in, It became hard to have him gone all day without me missin him bad.
I spent the whole day thinkin about Cary, waitin for him to come home. When I realize what I’m doin, I start feeling a whole lot of shame bout myself. I’d never felt the way I felt toward Cary with anyone else. It was the type of way I knew I was suppose to be feelin toward a girl, not my best friend.
That’s about the time when things start to sour between us. Can’t say it was Cary’s fault. Was his last year of highschool. Of course Cary would start doin things without me. School activities, sports and shit. Started hangin out with other friends. Bring them over to the ranch. Good lookin boys and girls. I start thinkin he into some of them. Makes me more sad than jealous. I knew they all a lot more fun to be around then I ever could be.
There was one girl he brought over more than any of them named Barbara. Everyone called her Babs. She was cute and flirty and got a perky ass all the boys like. Cary have her over all the time with his other friends at first, then just her after a while. She started taken most the time me and Cary used to have together. Not many things more painful than watchin someone you care for pull away from you.
Who am I fucking kiddin though…
Care for him..?
I loved that boy, more than anyone…
He had a grip on my heart, and every time he say he got plans with his friends and he going out without me; Every time he act like our time together was just somethin that was fun, and he think it’s time to move on…
Leave me behind…
He take my heart with him.
You might think after a while of Cary actin like what we had going at the ranch wasn’t that big a deal, that I was just his buddy from the ranch. You think we finally have a big dramatic scene where I finally go off on him. Tell him how much it killlin me that he pretendin he don’t see me the way I see him. Make a whole scene in front of everyone; In front of Babs, his friends, our dads.
If you think somethin like that happen, you ain't been payin attention.
I didn’t say nothing bout it
That just what I do…
I let Cary parade Babs round me. She became his girlfriend, endin anythin we got goin on, and let my heart break more and more every day. By next spring we barely talkin. Cary’s all caught up with prom and graduation. Meanwhile I’m still on the ranch, workin everyday, most the time with my daddy, feelin like my whole world come to an end.
What truly end what we had was when Mr. Tremain fired my daddy.
It was right before my second summer at the ranch, and summer be the most demandin time out here. My daddy just couldn’t hack it no more. His lame foot had him hobblin round worse than ever, wincin like crazy, nearly fallin over a few times. I do my best to try and help him, but he always push me away, say he can do it himself. Prove he still useful. Was like he could sense his sackin coming closer everyday. When it happen, I did everythin I could to plead his case. Say I take a pay cut, work extra hours for free. Anythin to keep him on, but Mr. Tremain didn’t budge. Say he hire on a new person; younger and stronger who could handle the work.
I go to Cary to help me, but he don’t even try. Say his daddy gotta run a business, and say my daddy become a liability. Can’t believe how cold he was when he say it. Like my daddy hadn’t been a loyal employee for years. Like my daddy hadn’t been like a second father to him.
I never been mad like that before or since.
I got so mad, I punch Cary dead in the face. It was one thing for him to trample over my heart. It was another thing to shit on the fact my daddy losin his livelihood. LIke he a piece of trash ready to be thrown out. Guess it was a bit of both.
Not long after that I go to California . Did all that shit out there I said I did, heart and head numb, and when Cary wander into my head again, put shit in my body to make it even more numb.
So…
With Mac here…
I ain't got them substances to numb me no more. Wouldn’t take them now if I did though.
I like that he a bit like me, don’t say too much if there nothin to say, but not just like me, cuz he get yapppin when he get excited bout somethin and don’t stop. Really like that he taken a strong liken to the ranch too. This place do that to people. He wanna invest more his time into it. Got a lot of ideas. Not all of them good. He still doin it though, and it sound like he may find somethin he interested in doin with his life that don’t got anythin to do with dealin drugs. Got some excitement in him. Make him smile
He do got a nice smile on him
Now I gotta make a decision.
This summer with Mac bring me back to that summer with Cary. Bring that same happiness to my heart spendin time with this young man. Makin me feel a bit younger then I am.
Shoe on the other foot though.
He wanna be with me and…
I think I wanna be with him…
But I got a responsibility for his well being. Feel wrong if I go there…
Feel like I be taken advantage of his young heart.
At the same time I know how it feel to care for someone you don’t think care for you.
How it kill you a little inside every time you look at that person and know it ain't goin no where.
This boy need someone in his life. I can see it everyday out here on the ranch.
Someone more than a lover.
What he need…
Is someone to love him.
Not sure if he ever had that.
If it weren’t for Cary…maybe my heart be more willin.
Cary do his damndest to make sure that never happen…
Specially after I come back from Cali and we reconcile…
Look like Mac cry himself out and he start wipin his eyes with his shirt. He sit up, and I let him go, but keep my arm round his shoulder.
Don’t know what to say. Be stupid to ask him if he alright. He clearly not but…
Don’t look like he know what to say either, so he just put his head on my shoulder and we just sit there for a minute while he get himself a bit more together.
It’s half past five now. Not gonna go back to workin out in the garage so…
“You want some breakfast?” I ask him.
“I’m good.” He say, wipin his red eyes again.
I know he ain't good.
God damn my heart hurtin for him. I want to keep hold of him so badly, but I can’t. Just don’t feel right.
“Okay. I’m gonna make some coffee. You can have some if you want.” I get up and leave the room. Go to the kitchen and do what I do every mornin. It so routine I don’t have to think much bout it. Good thing, cause all I can think of is Mac in that room.
Once it start brewin, I stand there next to the machine, lookin out the window, the long stretch of grass in the pasture, the line of dawn light comin over the lopsided horizon of the trees in the distance. It’s all there, and I see it, and I don’t.
“Jeff.” Mac voice come up from behind me. I turn to see him at the door lookin at the floor, and he scratchin his thigh thinkin hard. I know he got somethin to say, and tryna get the words out. When he speak, he still keep lookin at the floor. “I think I…maybe I should find another place to serve out my parole.”
It hard to describe how I feel in that moment.
I just know my chest get a pain in it so tight, I think I might be sufferin from a heart attack. I know I ain't, but it so sharp and come so sudden it stop me from breathen, then I start swallowing cuz my throat start closin up…
Fuck…
Not again…
Not fuckin again.
When I don’t say nothin, Mac look up at me and there’s anger in his tear red eyes.
“You hear me? I’m leaving. I can’t stay here no more.” he sayin it and his voice gettin louder with each word.
I feel myself shrinkin away, my whole body not likin his words one bit. Rejectin them. I’m grippen the edge of the counter so hard it startin to hurt. Don't know if Mac can see it, but all my muscle strainen at once. Now he lookin dead at me, and I can’t look back. I starin at the tile on the floor and the quiet between us unlike anything I ever heard. It last for to way to long. Finally Mac speak again. He still sound angry, angrier then before, but he no longer raisin his voice.
“Course you got nothing to say. You never got nothing to say.”
His words comin at me like knives. Stabbin me in my heart. Worse thing is he ain't wrong, But what can I say? He so young and in so much pain…
He got so far to go to make himself better…
I can’t use that for my benefit…
But if he leave…
I don’t think I can handle that a second time…
But this young man got to come first…
Now Mac is more than mad now. I can see him tighten up his fist, and he breathrn like he just run a mile. Think he might walk over and throw a punch at me.
“Mac…”
“Fuck you Jeff…fuck you.” He say. Don’t even yell it, which make it a hundred time worse. Then he turn around and start walking away.
“Stop…” It just come out of me.
“Mac stop.” I say and it feel like a dam break open in my heart, releasing everything blocked in it. “
“Please don’t go.” The words comin out my throat like they pushin through cotton.
“What you mean don’t go?” Mac say. He stop and turn to look at me, frustrated as all hell, but he see I’m looking right at him now. I see this young man and I can’t deny it no more. I been yearnin for him for what seem my whole life.
“I mean…I don’t want you to go.” I can’t hardly say it, and mac look at me all confused.
“You want me to stay here and finish my parole?”
“Yes…you should stay and finish up here.” He start saying something else, but I don’t let him.
“With me…stay here with me.” That when I start walking toward him, my poor heart pretty much done for the day.
He only a few paces from me, and I stop just in front of him, looking in to his handsome face, at his lips, his nose, his pretty brown eyes and they lookin at me, filled with fear and yearning and hope.
I know exactly what that like, and this time, it ain't cuz of a memory with Cary.
I feel it right now, with Mac standing right in front of me.
I open my mouth to say more, but cuz I aint much of a talker.
I lean forward and press my lips against his.
