Returning Home - The Weight of Decisions
The drive home stretched out in silence, the low hum of the tires on the road filling the space between us. I stared out the window, the blur of buildings and trees rushing by as Jimmy slept in the back seat. But my mind was back at home. Back with Sean, with the reality I was about to face. After seven years, I was about to tell him it was over. And I had no idea how to start.
Jake hadn’t said much since we left the beach house, and I could feel his eyes on me every now and then, like he was waiting for me to speak. Finally, he broke the quiet, his voice calm but curious. “You’ve been pretty quiet. What’s going on in your head?”
I sighed, my hands tightening on my lap. “I don’t know, Jake. I just keep thinking about Sean. He’s not going to see this coming. I don’t know how he’s going to take it.”
“You don’t think he’s noticed things between you?” Jake asked, glancing over at me. “I mean, after seven years, you’d think he would’ve sensed that something was off.”
I shrugged, shaking my head. “I don’t know. Sean’s been so focused on work, on his own stuff. We’ve been… I don’t know, distant for a long time. He’s never been great at picking up on emotional cues, you know? And we’ve kind of just fallen into this routine. I don’t think he’s ever really stopped to think about whether or not we’re happy.”
Jake nodded, his hands steady on the wheel. “That’s tough. Being in a relationship where the other person isn’t even aware of how things are really going.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, feeling the knot in my chest tighten. “And now… now part of me feels like I’m betraying him. I mean, he’s done so much for us, for Jimmy. He’s not a bad person. He’s provided for us, made sure we had everything we needed. It’s not like he’s treated me terribly. But it’s just… our connection is fading. And I can’t really remember when that started.”
Jake’s grip tightened slightly on the wheel, his voice soft but resolute. “It’s not betrayal, Noah. Relationships end. Sometimes one or both people realize they aren’t in it the way they used to be. That doesn’t make you the bad guy. It makes you human.”
I exhaled, running a hand through my hair. “I know you’re right. But it still feels like I owe him something. Like I should at least try to make it work because of everything we’ve built together.”
Jake glanced over at me. “Listen, I get it. Seven years is a long time. You’ve built a life together, but is it a life you really want to keep living? You’ve been unhappy for a while, haven’t you?”
I didn’t respond right away, my mind turning over his question. “Yeah,” I admitted after a long pause. “I’ve felt lonely for a while. But it’s not just about me. It’s Jimmy, too. Sean’s provided for him, but… he’s never really been a dad to Jimmy. That’s hard to admit because Jimmy’s never had a bad life with him. But it’s like something’s missing.”
Jake nodded, his gaze thoughtful. “So you were single when you adopted Jimmy, before you were even with Sean. And, Sean hasn’t really stepped in the way you wanted him to, even back then.”
I hesitated for a moment, but then nodded. “Yeah. Jimmy was just a baby, about ten months old. Sean came into our lives when Jimmy was four. I mean, he’s been there, but more as a provider. He’s never been the type to actively parent Jimmy. He thinks that providing for us, making sure we had what we need, is enough. But it isn’t. Jimmy needs more than that.”
Jake’s expression softened, but there was still a quiet intensity in his eyes. “And that’s where your guilt comes in, right? You don’t want to take away the stability Sean provides, but you know Jimmy deserves more.”
I nodded, staring down at my hands. “Yeah… something like that. I mean, how do I justify leaving someone who’s been good to us in so many ways, just because I don’t feel that connection anymore? It feels selfish.”
“It’s not selfish to want something real, Noah,” Jake said firmly. “And it’s not selfish to want more for Jimmy. You deserve to be happy. And Jimmy deserves two fathers who are actually there for him in the ways that matter.”
His words hit me, and I could feel the emotion rising in my chest. “I don’t even know how to do it,” I confessed. “How do I tell Sean it’s over? How do I explain that it’s not about him being a bad person, but that I just… met someone else?”
Jake let out a long breath, his eyes focused on the road ahead. “You can’t control how Sean’s going to react, Noah. And yeah, it’s going to hurt him, no matter how you say it. But the fact is, you’re not staying just because you feel bad for him. You’re doing this for you. And for Jimmy. You deserve a life where you’re both happy, where Jimmy can thrive. Something more than just a comfortable routine.”
I stared at the road ahead, my heart pounding in my chest. “I know you’re right. But it’s still hard. I don’t want to hurt him. But I can’t stay.”
“That’s the hardest part,” Jake said softly, his voice steady. “But staying with someone just because you don’t want to hurt them isn’t a reason to stay. You’ve got to do what’s best for you and Jimmy.”
The SUV pulled into the driveway of the house I shared with Sean. Jake turned off the engine, but neither of us made a move to get out. The air was heavy with all the things unsaid.
“So… what happens next?” Jake asked, his voice steady, but his gaze intense. “When are you going to talk to Sean?”
I sighed, glancing toward the house, the weight of everything waiting inside pressing down on me. “Sean’s not even back until mid-week. I need… I need time to figure out how to do this.”
Jake shifted slightly in his seat, his eyes locked on mine. “Noah, you’ve already made your decision. You know what needs to happen. Don’t let this drag on.”
I nodded slowly, my hands trembling slightly. “I know. I’ll talk to him when he gets back. I just need a few more days.”
Jake’s jaw tightened slightly, and I could see the flicker of impatience in his eyes. He wasn’t going to push me, but he was making it clear that there were limits. “Take your time, but don’t make me wait too long,” he said, his voice low and firm. “You’re worth it, but I’m not waiting forever.”
I stared at him, feeling the full weight of his words. Jake was supportive, but he was also reminding me that there was a line, and I needed to cross it soon. Even in his quiet intensity, there was a sense of understanding that made it feel less like a demand and more like a necessary push.
Then, as if sensing my hesitation, Jake leaned over and pulled me into a slow, firm embrace. His arms wrapped around me, strong and steady, holding me close without saying another word. I let myself lean into his chest, feeling the warmth and strength in him, the solid pressure of his body comforting me.
“I’ve got you,” he whispered softly, his breath warm against my ear, his hold possessive but not overwhelming. “Just get it sorted.”
His words stayed with me as I slowly pulled back, meeting his eyes for a moment longer before he got back into the driver’s seat. The engine of his SUV rumbled to life, and as he drove away, the weight of what I had to do pressed down on me again—but for the first time, it didn’t feel as unbearable. Jake was waiting, and I needed to finish what I had started so we could finally move forward.
As I stood on the porch, Jake’s scent was still lingering in my nose. Jimmy yawned, still groggy, which yanked me back to reality as we made our way inside. The house was quiet, uncomfortably so, and the implications were confronting me full on as I was trying to process, to justify, the decision that I felt was made when I accepted Jake’s invitation to his cottage.
As we unpacked in Jimmy’s room, he was unusually quiet, his small face scrunched up in thought. I knew something was coming—Jimmy never stayed quiet for long when something was on his mind.
“Dad?” Jimmy asked suddenly, his voice small but clear.
“Yeah, bud?” I turned to face him, sitting down on the edge of his bed.
“What’s going to happen now?” Jimmy’s wide, curious eyes met mine, and I could see the depth of his question. It wasn’t just about me and Sean anymore. He was thinking about Jake too. “Are you and Sean getting a divorce? Is Jake going to be around more?”
I blinked, caught off guard by the directness of his questions. Divorce? Legally, there was no divorce, but I knew what Jimmy meant. He was asking if this was the end. “Jimmy, Sean and I aren’t married. We’ve been together a long time, and we’ve built a life, but we’re not legally tied like that. So, no, there won’t be a divorce.” I paused, choosing my words carefully, aware of how much hung in the balance. “But… things with Sean, they’ve changed. I think we’re going to be going our separate ways.”
Jimmy’s face remained thoughtful, processing the information. “So, is Jake going to be around more?” His voice was quieter, but the hope in his eyes was impossible to miss.
I took a deep breath, feeling the weight of the question. “I don’t know yet, buddy,” I admitted. “Jake’s… amazing, and I know you like him. But I still need to figure everything out. Sean has been a part of our lives for a long time, and even though he wasn’t always… there the way you wanted, he’s always provided for us.”
Jimmy shrugged, his eyes never leaving mine. “Jake’s awesome. He plays with me. Sean never does that.”
His words hit me hard, the truth of it sinking into my chest like a stone. Sean had always seen his role as the provider—keeping us housed, fed, and comfortable. But it had never been enough for Jimmy. He needed more than just things; he needed someone who was there, engaged.
“Jake is special,” I said softly, my heart heavy. “But I need time, Jimmy. You know we were a family before I even met Sean, and I just… I need to think this through.” I glanced around his room, taking in the spacious comfort that Sean had helped provide.
Jimmy nodded, his face thoughtful but not upset. “It’s okay, Dad. I just want us to be happy.”
His simple words brought a lump to my throat, and I realized, more than ever, that this wasn’t just about me or Sean anymore. It was about Jimmy, and what was best for him too.
Jimmy didn’t need a big house or a man who provided in all the practical ways but was never really present. He needed love. He needed the kind of connection he had already found with Jake. And Sean, for all his efforts, never stepped into that role.
“Jake… he’s good for us,” I said quietly, more to myself than to Jimmy. “But I’ve got to figure out what’s best for us. I promise, I’ll get it sorted.”
Jimmy smiled, a small, content smile, and that was all I needed. It was time. Time to leave Sean. Time to move forward with Jake. I didn’t have all the answers yet, but I knew one thing for sure—I wasn’t going to keep running from it.
I ruffled Jimmy’s hair, feeling a rush of warmth at how much he trusted me. For Jimmy’s sake—for both our sakes—I had to make the decision to end it with Sean. And with every passing moment, the path ahead seemed clearer.
