The next few days are some of the toughest of my life because I have zero idea where Keegan could be, and as much as I don’t want to think it, there is a horrible feeling gnawing away at me deep down that he’s dead somewhere even though I tell myself to think positively and I will find him again.
It’s been about a week since I last saw Keegan, and I get home from the gym as my brother Brock is sitting on the couch watching a movie “Any news?” he asks as I shake my head, feeling deflated because even the gym doesn’t feel good.
“Nope, his Dad is still on that trip in China so I don’t think he knows anything yet”, I say, flopping back onto the couch, not realising that Mr Warwick has actually arrived back from his junket or described as a “Council Investment trip” and that all hell could be breaking loose here shortly.
Sitting on the couch next to Bryce, he puts his arm around me as all that I want to do is just cry because this is the longest that I’ve not spoken to Keegan since we were seven or eight because even through our disagreements, we barely made it into a big drama. As I sit there, I know that crying or any sense of rage is going to bring back the closest person to me in my life, and it’s not going to do me any good to be feeling like this, even though it’s totally acceptable.
I get up off the couch as Brock grabs me and looks at me. “He’ll be fine, you know his family better than anyone and how intense they are. He probably just needs to let off some steam without dragging you into it all” I look at Brock as he says that, and I don’t even think that if he believes what he is saying in the fact that it will be all ok.
“Oh by the way, there’s a letter upstairs for you and your Culver FC Membership stuff”, he says as I look back across at him. “What stuff? I haven’t gotten my membership this season,” I say as Brock shrugs.
Heading upstairs to my bedroom, I have no idea what the Membership stuff that Brock says he put up there could be. As I read the box, “2016/17 CULVER FC MEMBERSHIP”, I look at the box, confused because there is no way this is meant to be mine because I never ordered it for this season yet. I look at it with my name on it because I never know if I can afford it season to season for it to auto-renew from the year before.
The letter doesn’t grab my attention immediately as I put it aside on my desk and look at the other package. I open it up and look at the packaging, then get what’s inside and see the brand-new Culver FC jersey. I look at it confused at where it could’ve come from because I know I certainly didn’t order it because they were only released about 10 days ago as I study it and turn it around.
Looking at the packaging, there is absolutely nothing that gives me any clue on where it came from other than being from Culver FC, which is really strange because I know for sure that I didn’t buy it, so there is no reason for it to be sent to me like this.
I turn it around and notice the name printed on the back reads “KENNEDY 33”, referring to our mate Jayden, who we were super close to, and he’d just signed a pro contract with the team we all had cheered on together. The team is still in pre-season camp, so I know I can’t ask Jayden. I pick up the letter and look at it, noticing the handwriting is Keegan’s, but there is no genuine postmark on it to tell me where it was sent from.
Opening the letter, I feel a great trepidation about what the letter could be as I open it slowly, hoping that maybe if something has gone terribly wrong, I could use it as evidence as my mind has thought through too many negative things about all this.
I pick up the handwritten note, which means I know that it’s serious because Keegs always hated to write anything I .pick it up and look at the piece of notepad paper, which I know he has written with his unique hand writing. I sit down at my desk and read it:
“Hey Charlie,
I’ve tried to write this so many times, but I guess there’s no easy way to say it. By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be gone. I know it’s going to feel like I just disappeared, and it kills me to leave you wondering. But if I told you where I was going, I know you’d just try to stop me, and Dad would come after me. And I can’t let that happen.
I shake my head at this, both absolutely pissed off that it has gotten to this situation because my family would have given him all the protection and love that he needs, which they already do at the moment; he is the extra plate at Christmas; he gets birthday presents from my family for his birthday. Standing there reading the letter I’m more than just pissed off; I’m just sad that it had even got to this situation where he felt so stuck that he couldn’t even talk to me about it and that he is/was trying to protect me just as much as he is looking after himself.
Trying to read the letter is hard as tears fill my eyes, but I keep reading it, trying to take deep breaths as I do it to try and stay calm as I read it, but I don’t even know if I can anymore, and it wouldn’t surprise me this is the non-tearstained version he wrote.
“You’ve always been there for me, Char. You’re the only one who really knows me—the first person I trusted enough to tell I was gay, the one person I knew wouldn’t judge or turn me away. I’ll never forget the way you made it feel like it was ok with you like I could actually be who I am. I don’t know how to thank you for that, and I hate leaving you like this, but I need to protect you, too.
I finally told my Dad. I thought, maybe if he knew this part of me, things would change between us. But I was wrong. I was so wrong. He didn’t just say things this time, Charlie. He got physical, like he couldn’t handle the fact that his son could be different from what he expects, from what everyone else expects. You know what he’s like—nasty and controlling behind closed doors, but to the rest of the world, he’s this big, important guy. That’s not ever going to change. But after this, I realised that I have to.
It’s not just about me, either. I know how he is with people close to me, with anyone he thinks could be a “bad influence.” You’re already in his sights. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and I don’t want him getting close enough to hurt you, too. I can’t let him turn his anger on you.
I’m not even sure where I’m going yet. I just know that I need to be somewhere he can’t reach. Somewhere, I can figure out who I am, away from him, away from all the lies. It’s going to be hard, but I’d rather struggle and be free than stay and live in fear.
One day, maybe our paths will cross again. But I can’t promise anything. Just know I’m thinking of you, and I’ll never forget everything you’ve done for me. Please take care of yourself, and don’t come looking for me now.
Thanks for everything, Char. I couldn’t have made it this far without you.
Keegan”
I get through the letter, barely keeping it together as I read through what Keegan said. The piece of notepad paper in my hand, I hadn’t realised how much baggage Keegan had been carrying for all this time and that it was so much that he was also trying to protect me from what was going on.
As much as I would’ve helped him through it and done anything for him, I know why he had to do that because he was a kid who didn’t own a mean bone to his body and would put himself in the way of physical harm to protect someone else even if it left him hurt which he had done for me.
“P.S. Hope you love the presents; I wish I could be there for the boys and to see Jaydz get on the field but this way you’re still there and I’m there with you when it happens.”
The last part of the letter is the part that hurts the most as I read it and see the picture that he put in the envelope, which is the same one I have framed on my desk of Keegan, Jayden and me all outside Teal Arena where Culver City FC play in our jerseys celebrating Jaydz 17th birthday together with Keegan and me on either side of Jayden.
I’m an absolute mess right now as I put the letter down and slam my fists on the desk…
“WHY? WHY?” I say as I’m crying as my brother comes upstairs to check on me not sure if he heard as he walks in.
Brock stands in my doorway. “What’s going on with those packages? Wait, are you ok, Charlie?” he says to me as I just shake my head and give him the letter as he reads it and puts it down as I just hug him tightly, crying as my head is on his chest like we were kids when he was my protector as well.
“He’s gone forever”, I say. I know that there is a chance that our paths will cross in the future, but I doubt it, as the letter suggests. Brock hugs me tightly as words right now just seem hollow as I’m feeling broken right now, but I know that I will see Keegs again and talk to him hopefully in the not-so-distant future.
Brock lets me go as I tell him that I just want to be alone for a while as I lay back on my bed and listen to some music as I just calm myself down, telling me that this can’t be the last time that I’d seen Keegan forever.
Eventually, I head downstairs feeling deflated as Brock offers to play some FIFA with me, which is a bit of fun as I want to spend some time together with him. Next thing, there is a car screeching and pulling up outside and then bashing on the door.
“I’ll get it,” Brock says as he opens the door and pushes past my well-built brother is, Keegan’s Dad.
“WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SON? YOU TELL ME,” he says really aggressively as he confronts me face to face, feeling a rain shower of spit as he gets right into my face. “I KNOW YOU KNOW CHARLIE,” he snarls, and I can really imagine what it is like for Keegan when his Dad gets into this mood at home.
Brock tries to get in between but doesn’t want to make the situation escalate into anything physical because he knows how it could look. I stand there “HONESTLY, I DON’T KNOW… I DIDN’T KNOW HE LEFT,” I shout back as he doesn’t look happy at anything.
“THIS IS ALL YOUR IDEA!” he shouts, putting his blame on me for this situation when right now he is showing why he is the cause of all the issues for Keegan and why he could have the best future in the world, but he feels that he needs to give it up. “YOU TALKED HIM INTO IT,” he says as I shake my head at him as Brock stands there, starting to get involved.
“I DID NOT… I ONLY FOUND OUT TODAY…” I shout but then try to control the level of my voice right now to hopefully defuse some of the situation. I look at Mr Warwick “What are you going to do, hit me just like you did to Keegan and your wife?” I say, not really diffusing the situation as Brock steps into the middle using his size.
“STOP IT OR I’M CALLING THE COPS” he shouts as Mr Warwick takes a step back and looks normal and calm as if his aggression is almost at an on-off switch level, which makes things even scarier because I’d seen him annoyed but not this angry ever.
Brock stands there with his 6’3 frame now in the middle “Charlie only found out about what happened about ten minutes ago at most, he hasn’t heard from Keegan other than the letter”.
I stand there, so pleased that Brock has intervened in this. If it was just Mr Warwick and me, then I would be cowering and a total goner no matter what I said because I don’t have the fightback he does. Mr Warwick stands there looking to draw blood again but then calms himself down for a moment. “Ok… ok… I can see Charles you are upset too… if you hear anything from Keegan and, don’t tell me… I will be back, and you know what power I have,” he says as I nod my head and he gets himself away from Brock.
“Think it’s best if you just left now and we forget about this incident”, Brock says with a calmness that I can’t believe, especially holding control of arguably the most powerful man in the whole area and one of the most powerful in the state.
He stands there and walks out as Brock closes the door and locks it. I slump onto the stairs, just upset that this has all exploded. I start crying massively, and my big bro comes and sits next to me.
Just like when I was a kid and, Brock would always be there for me as he put his arm around me and hugs me. “There is nothing you did wrong ok? You don’t need to blame yourself for what decision Keegan made because he needed to do this whether it was the right way about it,” Brock says as I nod my head, still in tears.
“I… could’ve… should’ve…” I struggle to get my words beyond the tears, and I’m struggling to breathe right now. Brock just holds me and tells me to breathe. “If I could’ve been a better friend then he wouldn’t feel the need to run away and I could have protected him”, I say as Brock looks at me and grabs my shoulders.
He just stares at me “You couldn’t have been more of a better friend to him, you were there with him every step of the way from the first day he told you he was gay all you could do was try to create a safe space for him” I nod my head as he says that and I take a deep breath. “Keegan was family… Keegan is family, the amount of times after midnight that you would sneak him into your room or the spare room because he was alone at home or his Dad would be going mental and the way we let it happen because we cared about him”.
Brock looks at me. “Plus I don’t want to know about what you two got up to”, he says, winking at me as I hit him, but it makes no difference to him as I laugh a little bit because Brock knows that I’m bi so swing both ways although right now my eye is definitely on girls more than what I think is just a passing phase of having an interest in guys.
Sitting there with my head on Brock’s shoulder, I’m just sitting there as my big brother tells me that he has all the time in the world for me this afternoon, knowing how hard this is hurting me right now, especially with how much I know it was hard for Keegs to write it.
Brock should’ve put dinner on at about 5:30 for my parents, getting home just after 6 and 6:30, respectively, but we’re just sitting on the stairs as I hold the letter as my Mum walks through the door, the tears still struggling to dry on my face as she sees my face.
“OH GOD…” Brock stands up and looks at her. “It’s not good but not what you’re thinking”, he says as he tells me to go upstairs and take a shower because I hadn’t had one since I got home from the gym, and I’m a sweaty, exhausted and emotional mess right now as Keegan has decided to do all the explaining because I can’t really get through a sentence.
Heading up for a shower is a mixed idea, as my body is feeling so drained and exhausted that every step up feels like a chore. I head into the bathroom and strip off my gym clothes, putting the water in a mix of warmth and cool, which is just what I need to relax my muscles. Standing there, I let the water run down my back, which was aching, copping the brunt of some lousy posture working out and just trying to focus on my breathing, which was always Keegan’s big trick he taught me that he needed to do when life at home was so bad.
Standing in the shower, I focus on my breathing like Keegan would teach me to do; he would give me all the tricks that he used at home and, in general, not to lose his cool. It would always astound me that he would stay calm no matter what the situation, and I knew what was happening in his family life would be the worst, especially as he wouldn’t admit it entirely, but I knew his Dad would get physical with the family.
The cool water hitting my back in the shower feels good; it’s only a temporary relief for the moment as I can try to calm myself down, and the shaking stops for a moment as I focus on my breathing, trying to channel what Keegan told me. Keeping my eyes closed, I try to think about any signs or clues that Keegan was giving me to the fact that he was about to make a drastic decision like this because maybe if I saw it, then he wouldn’t have needed to do this.
Thinking things through, I struggle to find anything where Keegan gave me any clues. No matter how major or how subtle they are, there is nothing out of the ordinary that would even give me a hint that he was planning something like this. The shower timer goes off, and I stand there still, just trying to breathe and focus on everything. I snap back to reality as the timer goes off, and I get out of the shower.
Wrapping a towel around my waist, I go down the hall straight to my room, dripping water on the floor, which I know would be annoying my mother, but I’m so much in my own world right now as I head into my room and just flop onto my bed.
Looking up at the ceiling, I just can’t believe what has happened today, and it feels like my existence has been ripped away from me because everyone joked about how we were conjoined twins and that nobody could ever separate us because every day, we spoke in some sort of sense. The frustration of the situation hits me because I’m never one to get angry or physical, but I just start punching my pillow when I pick up the letter that my brother brought up.
“Please don’t come looking for me.” That line goes through my head because of why he would say that to me. We’re best friends, and even though I know that he needs to protect himself, I would have thought that he would want me around in his life still, but then, at the same time, I wonder if I’d bring back too many bad memories.
Laying on my bed, Mum walks in the door. Usually, she’d be going off about me not getting dressed and laying on my bed wet, but given the circumstances, she doesn’t say anything and instead sits on the edge of it next to me as I lay there.
“I’m sorry about this, Charlie… I don’t know what to say,” she says as I can tell that she is putting on a brave face as she sits there. “Why did he have to do this? I mean, like, he was always safe here when he was with us, but like why not now”.
Mum nods her head without answers because she doesn’t know what to say as she puts a copy of the letter onto my desk. “I was worried that something would happen to the original copy, so I made sure you had one safe because I want you to keep that safe”, she says as I nod my head and just hug her.
The big hug is just what I need even though Brock gave me one; there is nothing better, no matter the age is, to get a big hug from Mum when I’m feeling sad. She looks at me “You two will be back together in no time” I can tell that she doesn’t know whether she means it, but the fact that she says it means a lot.
“I’ve ordered dinner so when it gets here, you can come down and grab something to eat”, she says, getting up and looking down at the bed where my wet body print sits. “Next time make sure you dry yourself off before you lay on the bed”, Mum says to me as I smirk and nod my head, knowing that she would have gotten more annoyed if this had been a different situation.
Sitting back in my room, I walk over to my dresser and pick up a photo of Keegan and me standing there at our High School Prom, where we went as each other’s “dates”, for lack of a better term, standing there in our suits when things were good. Picking it up, I look at it; even though it was a couple of years ago, it makes me wonder if I was really the friend that Keegan needed.
