So I (20m) had freely come out before freshman year ended, giving myself the summer to shake the nerves. I know, don’t start. It’s 2024– coming out isn’t the biggest deal. No, you’re right, it isn’t. Until it is.
I knew I was gay well into highschool and hid it. Why? Because at first I was scared of what people would think, the early stages. And then lacrosse became serious, something I worked my ass off in to earn a scholarship. And there’s all my straight friends and pretty girls who like me, conservative parents. Coming out felt impossible given my circumstances, given the small town I grew up in.
And college was going to be my awakening. Except, lacrosse became even more important, my grades became even more important. Attending parties and balancing a social life became more important and before I knew it, I was stuck in the same loop. And I was sick and tired of that fucking loop.
So one night I confided in Erica, a girl I grew close to over the school year. She was as supportive as you’d expect, mentioning that she guessed it. It bonded us, that moment, or at least me to her. She gave me the courage to start telling my close friends, my roommate and parents and close buddies at school. Everyone was fine– even the lax crew… mostly.
Plenty of them had their fun with the news, cracking jokes and what not. Most of them were surprisingly confident in their sexualities by their responses. And then there’s Devin– he and I never got along. It’s unfortunate considering what he brings to the team. He’s a phenomenal goalie, tall and broad and agile. It’s also unfortunate that he’s a grade A douche.
Whatever you’re envisioning is probably right. Brooding, conventionally attractive, uses women, tragic past… a shit ton of baggage. Yeah– that explains it without needing to deep dive. I’ve heard the things he says in the locker room, at parties, at girls he’s trying to sleep with. He’s always rubbed me the wrong way and I was perfectly fine keeping our status quo.
What I couldn’t have expected is the news broken to me on the first day of Sophomore year…
“You’re fucking with me, right?” I sat dumbfounded over coffee, “There’s no fucking way.”
She blushed intensely, like she knew exactly how I’d react. “He’s not the devil, Ace.” Erica’s confidence in that sentiment was alarming.
“No, you’re right, he’s worse.” She only exhaled and smiled again… “Please just tell me you’re joking.” I pleaded while settling into the rest behind me. The entirety of this cafe muted for her to speak, please be joking, please be joking.
She cocked her head, letting her auburn locks fall over her shoulder, “You don’t know him the way I know him.” My eyes tumbled to the back of my head, “I’m serious, and he knows we’re best friends.” Great, that’s just great.
That’s exactly what I need, some pity party thrown by Eastern U’s greatest douchebag. Am I supposed to ignore his antics and foul mouth? Am I supposed to run to Erica and ruin this suspiciously formed relationship? Potentially ruin the status quo on the field along with it? “I thought you were into nerds.” Apparently not.
She laughed as I accepted my fate. I mean really, what was I supposed to do? Convince her to not be with him? Convince him to not be with her? Or let their relationship crumble on its own? Hopefully that won’t take very long.
And she’s still my best friend, that wouldn’t change— but boy did everything else…
– () – () – () – () – () –
The panic inducing alarm on my phone woke me up promptly at five thirty. I scrambled to turn it off to not wake Miles, my new roommate who is not on the team with me. You’d think Coach and administration would pair us field teams together but no— no, no. Never that.
He didn’t move a muscle as I looked him over in the dark, relaxing for just a moment before the stressors of the day infiltrated my mind. I’d curse out loud if I weren’t trying to be quiet. Instead I carefully eased into our bathroom with my phone and towel.
Notifications were already blowing up in our group chat as more of us woke up. Coach told us to hit the green at seven sharp so us guys decided to meet at The Bend thirty til. My face was dry and crusted from lack of sleep, from the party last night which was only a good idea in theory.
At least the hot water hadn’t run out just yet, a perk for waking up so damn early. I cherished the window of alone time though, under the steaming press of water, half awake as I scrubbed head to toe. And… calm down Ace, you don’t have time for this. I groaned and ran the water ice cold, sparking me to life and ruining whatever hormones were reeling.
I hopped out and towel-dried my hair, brushed my teeth and prepared to be silent again as I slipped from the bathroom. I dressed and gathered all I needed into a gym bag that I slung across my shoulder, the nerves already tingling at my skin. “Morning.” A raspy and half asleep Miles yawned and stretched out in his bed.
Guess I wasn’t quiet enough, “Morning.” I smiled, “Sorry if I woke you up.” He continued to yawn and shake his head, dismissing the apology while folding his arms behind his head.
“Fuck, what time is it?” He squinted and I told him, earning a groan in response as he simply closed his eyes again. I wonder if he’s hungover at all, as I did drag him to the party last night. Miles was cool, a genuine guy from what I could see.
When we were assigned as roommates a few weeks ago, I initially wanted to request a teammate as a roommate. It simply just worked better that way, but I also am aware of how entitled that may be, so I didn’t. Instead I found him on social media and connected early. He’s in an undergraduate program for architecture, well spoken, I’m getting the vibe that he comes from money.
But he doesn’t have the personality of a brick wall, he’s actually really fucking funny. So I extended the invite last night and according to our buzzed walk back, he had a great time. “Well, I’m out…” I still spoke in a whisper, pointing my thumbs at the door while taking a final look to see if he’d say bye too, or if he already fell back to sleep.
His eyes were shut, lips slightly parted in a peaceful state like he really did fall back to sleep. His hair looked unphased and a shadow crawled down his jaw. I went to whisper a goodbye but stopped myself at the slightest twitch in his leg under the sheets– thin sheets. His jeans laid messy on the floor beside his bed, as a sudden blush rose to my cheeks.
I left. Ace– no. The best thing about Harry, last year's roommate, was that he was by no means attractive to me at all. He’s an awesome friend, oh lord, I promise I’m not talking shit. But listen, I’m not naive; I thought of every possible outcome for sharing a room with another guy for a whole year while being in the closet. Harry was the best outcome possible.
Miles is a different story. He’s tall and nicely framed, his smile is kind and he’s funny– easy to talk to. I haven’t blatantly said “Hey, I’m gay.” but I’ve dropped subtle hints, remembering not to care– not that I think he’d be homophobic or anything. I don’t know, ugh. He’s literally just this random dude from upstate New York who happens to be my roommate, and I overthink everything.
For the moment I shoved those thoughts in a box to be opened later. Today was important and I needed to get a grip, “Boo.” his breath on my ear made me jump– Zion, he was laughing next to me. So I shoved him teasingly back, my nerves settling as we walked to The Bend together. See, at the end of season this past spring, our former coach offered four spots on the division two team. Zion was one, I was two, Jake was three and– why must I remind myself. Four was Devin… yes, that Devin.
Besides the fact that my best friend basically betrayed me and started dating my enemy… he’s also the fresh meat along with me. And this year was important. As a division two athlete I was able to apply for better scholarships, and I got one. My performance needed to meet requirements and my grades needed to match. But it helps lessen my student loans as I figure out what the hell I want to do with my life.
Zion and I made it to The Bend, a nineteen-eighties themed cafe on campus located at… you guessed it– the bend on main street. Anyway, our fields and athletics department are a five minute walk away so inside tends to be crowded with jocks and cheerleaders but, it was six in the morning. It was nice and quiet in comparison, the only large-ish group was the twenty or so of us.
I refrained from coffee for obvious reasons and focused on being liked and committed and worth it to the team. Last year, our d-three team would always play before d-two, and it was known as common courtesy to be on the field for both. Our practices would tend to be on neighboring fields, sometimes together– we all know each other. But this was different, I felt like I had stripes to earn this year.
And my team couldn’t have been more supportive, really. All the stress was in my head, like always.
The lot of us were hyped on either nerves or excitement as we paraded to the gymnasium, through large glass doors and freshly shined floors towards the locker room. I found the locker I chose last year, my same blue dial lock hooked on it. I threw my bag in and padded up, joining the hysterics and hollers that followed us out in the field.
Coach already had the field set up with nets and cones and flags. He stood at his post with a whistle and ballcap, already pointing us in the direction of how his drills start– five laps around the field, cradling. We all started strong in the dewey grass, only a few trailing behind come lap three. I refused to be one of them, no. Along with spending the summer back home, I trained every single day.
We ran sets, scrimmages, runs, plays. Morale was high, our spirit higher. I played midfield, the most stamina demanding position in my opinion, and I was on top of it. I kept up with Lloyd and Dan, keeping on the gas until practice was over. “Listen Up.” Coach called out, huddling us around as we caught our breath, the sun blazing from above. His constant coach-like demeanor softened for a moment, “That was impressive guys.” He clapped, “I saw dedication this morning, let’s keep that up.
“Practices will be seven sharp Monday through Thursday, nine sharp on Saturday, understood? We’re getting a calendar soon of some October pre-games. Last year put some eyes on us– thank you Fourteen.” Lloyd is number fourteen, and last year his performance single handedly put Eastern U on the radar of division one schools. “This year we’re putting some respect on the pack.”
“Hell yeah!” We cheered.
“Some respect in these woods.”
We stomped our sticks two times.
“Wild Wolves Woods.”
And we all howled, despite the cringiness of it. We were the wild wolves, and I was proud of it.
“Now get to class meatheads.” He teased, dismissing us back to the locker room to shower and change.
There was a high running through all of us, from our chant, from the adrenaline. The presence of Devin stepping into the shower stall next to me barely phased me, until it did. “Good job out there.” He smirked, bobbing his dark brows as he stepped under the raining water. This smug little–
“Thank you.” I forced a smile, unwilling to refrain from the sarcasm, “You too.”
He chuckled, “Ya know,” his eyes met mine, dark and cold, “I wanted to thank you actually, for being so cool about Erica and I.” I scoffed, “I thought you and I could start on a clean slate.”
I shook my head with a now unforced smile, just one of disbelief. “What gave you the impression I was so cool about it?” I cocked my head, turning off the shower and grabbing my towel.
“She said you were.” I laughed, “Ace…” my towel was already wrapped around my waist as I drew the curtain, “What’s your problem?”
I stopped, catching the look of a few teammates, deep breath. “No problem.” I turned around to meet his hardened stare above the curtain, steam billowing behind him. “We have no problem. I’ll see you tomorrow.” And I backed off to my locker, changed and cursed myself for strumming up the drama between us. It is his fault, but I let him get a rise out of me.
My hair wasn’t even close to dry when I stepped outside, ready to drown my thoughts into nothingness. “Ace!” Someone followed me out the gymnasium doors, “Ace, wait up.” Jake strolled up next to me, his face flushed from a hot shower. “Where you off to? We were about to hit the center commons for food.”
I bit my tongue, “I gotta pass,” even though I didn’t, “I’m running late for calc.” His eyes softened and he bit his cheek.
“Alright.” He nodded, letting me flash a smile with a simple goodbye before walking off. Take it as a tantrum, whatever, for me it was necessary. I already said that this year was important– everything. Lacrosse, my grades, my reputation. I can’t be reckless and lose my cool. I mean, I survived a whole year with him already– I can do it again.
It’s just so fucking frustrating. Can I ever catch a break? Is it me that attracts the stress? You don’t know him the way I know him. Pfft– sure, and I’m the prince of England. Devin is everything us gays and women hate in men, the misogyny and cockiness and selfishness–
Stop it, Ace, just stop it. I barrelled through the revolving door of the library, comforted by the echoing silence and scent of paper. Outside of the field and classes, this place was always my sanctuary; Joel E. Library. Natural light poured through its grandiose entrance, catching the reflective veins inside the marbled flooring, casting bubbles of light along the walls. And past the stone columns that wrapped the information desk, were the corridors and tunnels of books.
Marble turned hardwood, dressed in fitted rugs and reading nooks. Mine– well, Erica and I’s… is far in the back, tucked in a corner with a west facing window. It was perfect because of its placement, right next to Russian history. It’s how we met actually.
For the first few months of school last year, I’d sit at this spot in the evening to study or work or decompress. Erica apparently sat there every afternoon and one day we ran into each other, bonding over our mutual love for this particular nook. And the rest is history, really. But now… I half wanted to see her sitting there so I could shake some sense into her.
Though as it was last year, the reason we loved it so much, it was unoccupied.
I didn’t have calculus until eleven, so I holed up in my seat and waited out the time scrolling on my phone. College was supposed to be fun– explosive. I spent all of last year integrating myself, proving myself. And I was rewarded, I came out, I was accepted. Everything worked correctly, yet I still carry this phantom baggage. I just want to be free, I want to stop caring.
Can I…
I bit my lip, hovering my thumb over that fateful app– Hindr. Stop caring… I clicked and took a deep breath while the app opened.
Drama Queen, right? Well, I waited until I got back home for the summer before changing my dating profile. I’ve dated girls, kissed girls, lost my virginity to one. I never had a strong “gaydar” and honestly, I didn’t know how to start. Online dating seemed easiest and approachable so I rebranded. Thing is, I haven’t opened the app since getting here. The second I do, every other guy in a twenty five mile radius will see.
But here I am, the app loaded as a swarm of butterflies attacked my insides. I ran through old messages and responded to some, window shopped through profiles that were either embarrassing or threatening. Like this guy, Peter– unkempt hair, awkward selfies, this strange blurry film over each picture. Left… And Wes– tan and athletic, expensive wristwatch, pictures at the country club. What do we have in common? Left.
With my fingers through my hair I was saved by the bell– well, ringtone. Erica was calling and I hesitated in answering but ultimately did.
“Morni–”
“Good morning my sweet baby boy.” She cooed, earning a chuckle at her strange behavior. “How was practice?”
Ah, it clicked. I slumped in my seat, “Devin got to you, didn’t he?”
“Ace, I'm not mad at you, I know you.” I shut my eyes, “I also love you. Are you with Catherine?”
I laughed for real, “Yes, I am.” My eyes opened and met Catherine the Great’s on the wall. She told me to stay put and she’d be there in ten. I didn’t fight her on it, she’s Erica, me and her don’t fight. So I shelved Hindr and ran through what I wanted to say to her when she got here. Coming up empty handed by the time she came waltzing down the hall, her head tilted with a smile.
“Give me a hug, stupid.” Her arms opened wide, expecting me to stand instinctually and hug her back. And I did, embracing her tiny frame. “Okay sit.” She broke us and sat in the chair opposite of me, our usual formation with Catherine on the wall between us. “What happened?”
She crossed her legs and listened, she was always good at that. She never invalidated me, ever, no matter how dramatic I could be. It’s why I trusted her. She’d listen and understand and be on my side, and then she’d lay down the truth, the honest truth. And this time was no different.
She smiled and reached for my hand, squeezing, “You’re my best friend, Ace. I love you,” she let go and leaned into her chair, “but please let me make the mistake before we consider it one. I really like him and he really likes me, he’s been nothing but honest about his past relationships and…” she began to blush, “there’s just no hurt in trying.” Wrong. “I think you’d like him if you gave him a chance.”
“Not a shot in hell.” I deadpanned, soaking in what she said. “But you are right, it’s your mistake to make.”
She cracked a smile, “It’s not a mistake yet.”
“Yet…” And we moved on. I owe so much to this girl and she means the world to me. If this is what she wants, regardless of warning, I need to respect it. Fine, take a walk with the devil, I’ll still be here when you get burned.
Our conversation didn’t change much of my perception, but I did feel more of a calm. Giving Devin of all people a fair chance isn’t something I had on my bingo card this year, but if he’s going to show his true colors to her, I can’t be a part of the meddling.
He’ll fuck this up all on his own.
– () – () – () – () – () –
Classes were as expected, filled with introductions and syllabuses, schedules and first quarter assignments. I understood the workload I signed up for and prepared for it, maybe not the stress-ball that is my social life, but my academics and lacrosse? I could handle that.
Speaking of handling– the way we’re handling the Devin thing, is with a “come to jesus, breaking bread” type moment… in theory. Erica convinced me to agree on dinner with her and Devin at seven, and it’s already six.
I rushed to my dorm to drop my things and run through what the hell I agreed to– her and Devin across a cafe booth, his hand on her thigh as she further convinces me to like him, a smug smile on his face– incredible. She’s incredible to convince me of this, a plan that I so eagerly fled from class for.
I buzzed into my room, lost in thought as I opened the door to Miles coming from the bathroom with only a towel at his waist. “Oh–” my eyes just sort of dropped… and I snapped them to his eyes, crinkled with a light chuckle.
“Hi again.” He smiled, two dimples prominent in his cheeks, “How was your day?”
You best believe I was fighting a blush, fighting the urge to let my eyes drift down his body again. “It was good.” I closed the door and passed him, throwing my bag to the floor and tearing off my shirt, tossing that to the floor too. “How was yours?” I avoided all eye contact as I rummaged my dresser for a different shirt, but I could feel his presence staring.
“Good.” He picked at a stick of deodorant on his dresser, lifting his arms and applying it, the evening sun carving every divot and muscle and… “Are you in a hurry?” I snapped back to his eyes, his kind, navy blue eyes.
Get it together Ace, “I am,” that was true– “Actually…” I straightened my back with a pointed finger, “Would you be interested in dinner?” His brows bobbed with a sudden look of amusement, “I’m meeting Erica at the cafe, you met her last night.”
“I remember Erica.” He teased, scratching at the back of his neck, “Uhm, I kinda had a date with reading tonight.” I pouted, admittedly, claiming Erica would love to see him again, that the cafe had a mean salad bar. “Okay… okay, alright, sure.” I smiled, hurrying him to get ready while I changed my shirt and freshened up.
And I couldn’t help but sneak a glance or two, or three as he gathered an outfit from his dresser. He’s tall and tan and very clearly genetically gifted, a softer tone to his build, like a tennis player. But more importantly I stalled whatever could’ve come from tonight, a fight or worse. Devin might walk without shame, but Erica has dignity and Miles is my safeguard.
“I’m just gonna change.” Again, I snapped back to his eyes, like he could feel when my eyes were on him. So I nodded and let the blush follow after he disappeared to the bathroom. Ugh, yes, he’s hot. A differently poised and polished kind of hot, a trimmed and manicured kind of hot– Ace, chill the fuck out.
I stood and shook out my arms, focusing on the task at hand.
“Alright, let’s go.” I turned around to a dressed and glowing Miles, smiling while opening our door, “Aren’t we late?” That we were.
We ended up taking a shortcut through a park, passing a club meet that sparked genuine discussion on extra-curriculars. He knew the importance of lacrosse to me and I admitted to it leaving little time for much else, while he confessed to architecture being his main focus too. There was a club he mentioned, a trivia club, recalling victories at trivia nights in the past and the name of his friend’s team– The Smokin’ Aces.
“It’s the first thing I thought of when I saw your name.” He smiled under the canopy of leaves, “But that’s embarrassing, don’t tell anyone.” A playful shove, earning a giggle of my own. I teased that I could just tell everyone, better yet I could sign him up for the trivia club. And he pinched his hand at the back of my neck, “You better not.” He could barely keep the words together through our shared amusement.
I knocked him off me as we hit pavement again, the cafe in sight.
A twinge of panic rattled through me, a twinge of regret for dragging poor Miles into this. But no, that’s the point. Nothing will happen if it's the four of us, that was the whole point. Right?
Despite the conflicted knot in my stomach, I strolled into the cafe as confident as ever. And… spotted– Erica and Devin sharing fries at the table, his arm around her shoulders as they laughed.
Deep breath. “Looks like Devin’s here too.” I spun in a tight circle, flashing a smile at Miles before making my presence known by smacking my hands on the table, “Hi, friends.” Erica’s eyes lit up and Devin’s well… “I brought Miles, we were both hungry.” I smiled, sliding into the booth across Erica as her demeanor shifted, as she beamed and welcomed Miles at the same time.
And poor Miles, he had to sit across the devil incarnate himself. “Yes, yes, the more the merrier.” Erica cheered, even if we were playing our own game. “How are you Miles?”
Checkmate.
My plan worked in the best way possible. Erica was a people pleaser to the bone, and I knew she’d be first to spark conversation with Miles and keep him included. Besides Devin being quiet and very possibly blindsided, god that feels good, it was quite a nice dinner. I was sure to get food when Miles got food, circled every topic back to him, never gave them a chance to start a half baked intervention.
I was lucky for Miles being the way he was. He had no problem talking, it was second nature and he did it with grace and charm. It was easy to get lost in conversation, and that’s exactly what was happening until he excused himself to the restroom. Damn it, damn it, damn it. I watched him leave the table, keeping my head turned to avoid the knowing stares from the both of them.
“Ace…” She started, “not cool.” I refrained from rolling my eyes and kept trying to remember our conversation earlier. So I nodded and faced them, looking between the both of them with an empty stare, until I settled on her. She didn’t look angry or upset, maybe annoyed because she was bested. “Wipe that grin off your face, stupid.” She reached and slapped my arm.
I couldn’t help but start to laugh, “Okay, I’m sorry.” I put my hands up in surrender, “But c’mon, dinner with me as a third-wheel?” She huffed into her seat, rubbing her temples and looking between me and satan who muttered under his breath.
“You two are worse than ten year old girls.” She groaned.
“Not me.” Devin and I said at the same time, locking eyes for a second before I chimed in separately, “Yes, you are.” He scoff-laughed, looking towards Erica for assistance. “Afraid to speak for yourself?” I taunted.
“Enough.” Erica demanded.
He folded his arms behind his head with a smug look, “You heard her.”
“You too.” She slapped his chest, the irritation becoming more evident the longer Miles was gone.
I smirked, “Yeah, Erica, put a leash on it.”
“Excuse you?” His nose scrunched.
I tilted my head, “You aren’t deaf too, right?” His eyes hardened and his jaw tensed, a heat rose to his cheeks.
“Who the fuck do you think you ar–”
“Stop.” Erica’s hands smacked down on the table, catching a few stray looks. “You know what, let me out.” She turned to him, pushing at him. “C’mon go, let me out.”
He obliged, reluctantly standing to let her out, “Babe…”
“No.” She stood, spinning to the both of us, “Children. You both act like children.” Did we? Devin tried stopping her but she shook off his grip, “Just bother me tomorrow, okay.” She whispered, then looked at me– and said nothing. She simply walked off, leaving me to feel bad about it.
But it wasn’t all me, was it? I looked at his towering figure, “Why?” I shook my head, grimacing at his smug little chuckle.
“Why what?”
“Why her? Why my best friend? Did you already fuck over every other girl on campus?”
He wickedly smirked, sliding into the booth across from me, his dark eyes staring daggers. “You love to assume shit about me, Sullivan. But you don’t know the first thing about me.” His voice was low and raspy, his fists clenched together on the table. “I’m trying to be nice.”
I narrowed my stare, leaned into my elbows without fear, “Well you can stop… Proctor. You can stop being nice to me, and you can drop the act with her too.”
“What act? Man, you’re crazy.” He shook his head, uncurling and recurling his fingers. “I like Erica. I’m trying to be nice, for her. You are being the dickhead.” I rolled my eyes, “Whatever man.” He crawled out of the booth, stopping to contemplate before looking back to me with lowered eyes; “I’ll see you on the field.”
And he got up and left, leaving an uneasy air in his wake.
He doesn’t get to take the high road, not when he’s just as much to blame. But I let him have those last words, staring down at my fingers that picked at each other. I didn’t want to upset her, maybe it seems that way but it's not.
“Uhm,” I snapped my focus up to Miles, “where did everyone go?” His brows drew together. I answered his confusion with a lie, scrambling from the booth and ushering us outside. “Wait,” he tugged my arm, “is everything okay?”
“Yes. Why?”
He didn’t look convinced, checking the coast as if to see the other two somewhere close. He cleared his throat, scratching the back of his head again with an innocent look, “Uh, do you and Devin have history or something?” I could read between the lines and it was clear he could too.
I sighed, “Yeah, that’s an understatement.” But he didn’t look assured, no– he looked surprised.
“Oh.” His brows bobbed, an uncomfortable tension growing between us. “Was this some make him jealous thing?”
Wait– what? And then it hit me, what he really said. “Oh my God, no. No, no, no.” Did he think… “Wait. What are you asking?”
Suddenly a certain heat rose through his cheeks along with the first sign of awkwardness I’ve seen, “I– uhm, I’m totally lost.” For a moment I wished he could’ve stayed that way, but the reality was either more lies or the truth. And I was sick of the lying.
So I fessed up, completely. We took the long way home, me talking and him listening. I started from the beginning– freshman lacrosse, Devin’s disgusting behavior, meeting Erica. We were crossing over one of the many walkway bridges when I pulled the courage together, when I talked about coming out in the most nonchalant way I could. I felt it necessary to squash any lingering thoughts he might’ve had about…
I’m certain he knew that would never happen now, but a part of me had to fight asking why he jumped there so quickly. Did he already know I was gay? Did he think Devin was? How?
He accepted my apology for dragging him to dinner, claiming his night wouldn’t have been nearly as exciting if I didn’t. More importantly, he agreed with me. He even mentioned how weird it was for Erica to even date him, a question I’ve been asking myself since she told me. But before long we buzzed into our building and trudged the stairs to our room.
I wanted to just flop in my bed and sleep, but Miles seemed to have another idea. “Well man…” he dug into the bottom drawer of his dresser with a smirk, pulling out a bottle of dark liquid, “this was supposed to be for my own bad night but, I think you need it more.” He popped a cork top and handed me the decorative vessel.
His smile was soft, gracious in handing it over, lingering his fingers. “Macallan?”
“Whiskey, vintage.” I nodded, staring into the brownish liquor. Fuck it. I cheered the air and took a swallow, the burning spice of whiskey settling right at the bottom of my stomach. “That bad?”
I must not have been doing a great job in hiding, “No, no it was good.” I swiped my mouth with my arm, handing him the bottle with the other. He took a swallow just fine, sitting at the foot of his bed. I joined him, sharing the bottle as we continued talking. It was mostly a continuation of what we talked about earlier– until it wasn’t.
He started on a story from high-school, his best friend dating this girl that he always had a crush on. A classic tale, and he said they got through it, just without the girl. And it made me think about his comment earlier, about the jealous thing.
The bottle was in my hand, my turn. It’s what we started; sharing a story and taking a drink, pass.
I’m sure the multiple swigs of Macallan were helping, but I went for it. “Can I ask a question?” He nodded, smiling like an open book. “You thought tonight– dinner, was me trying to make Devin jealous. Why?” There was a pause and my face was flushed as I took another swig, handing it back to him.
He took it, “Well…” He leaned on his elbows, “it felt like a double date, honestly.” My eyes widened, “And then it didn’t. He was uh, well, staring.” Huh? “Even when Erica was talking, when you and her were talking, he’d just stare at you.” I didn’t know what to say, is that true? “But I guess that’s because of your rivalry, right?” He took a long swig– right.
We had gotten through half the bottle before he closed the bar, stumbling to put it away. He giggled, yes giggled. And so did I, our drunken state making itself known as we stood. For a moment, I felt like a kid, like mom and dad were upstairs asleep and us being drunk was our fun secret.
But along with the heightened buzz followed lazy attempts at hiding my eyes, where they landed.
He mentioned needing to get out of his jeans, that he’d change into something comfortable and I agreed. It was a haze, bending down to my dresser drawers, fighting the pull of his presence. He unbuttoned his jeans, letting them fall to his thighs as he tore off his shirt. Holy shit– I swallowed my decency, don’t stare Ace.
You’d think I’d be used to this from locker rooms. Well I am, but this was different, this was domestic and real and way easier to let my guard down around. Especially around someone like him, someone nice and attractive and tall and…
“I’m gonna get some of that reading done.” He picked a book off his desk, settling in his bed in just boxers and socks. I focused on changing, on hiding the rosy hues creeping up my cheeks. “Unless you wanted to keep talking?”
I met his blue gaze, his muscled arms folded behind his head, spread in his bed like a playgirl magazine cover. “I don’t wanna keep you from your reading.” I smiled, silently hoping he’d hear my real answer. But he only nodded, opening his book as I fled for the bathroom.
The fluorescent lights had a way of highlighting imperfections as I washed my face, checking for any minor blemish in the mirror before patting dry. You know, Ace, you’re one good looking son of a bitch. I smiled to myself in the mirror, ruffling my messy hair. You’ve done so much to be better, to look better. I lifted up my shirt, revealing my olive skin, smooth and defined. I looked good, I knew that.
So I drew out my phone and opened that dreadful app again, reading through messages for anything of interest. I sighed, clicking my phone shut and returning to my bed. “Hey.” Miles called out, peering above his thick brown book.
“Yeah?” I smiled, flopping on my back and staring at the ceiling.
“I had a good time tonight.” I smiled even wider, of course he’d say something like that. “Can I ask a question?”
I propped on my elbows to look over, “Sure.”
He fought his own smile, a red tint painting his cheekbones, “Are– nevermind.” He shook his head, scratching at the back of his neck again. “Nevermind it was dumb.”
“No.” I sat up, intrigued with a playful smirk. “What is it?” But he only shook his head, a stretched smile on his lips. “You can ask me whatever.” He nodded, running fingers through his golden tinted hair.
With a sheepish smile, “Do you have plans tomorrow night?”
“Not that I know of.” I shook my head and leaned back to my elbows, “Am I about to?”
He chuckled through a breath, “I have somewhere I’d like to take you.” My eyes jumped and my lips parted.
“Take me? Where? I thought you were the new one here?” I played it cool, despite the disturbance in my stomach and tingling nerves.
He nodded while licking his pearly white teeth, dropping his eyes and I followed, down his chest and torso. A bundle of hair peeked over his waistband, his book falling flat on his…
“New here, yes.” I snapped my eyes back to his, flushing intensely. “New to the city, no.” And he folded his arms behind his head, like he knew exactly what he was doing. “Are you in?”
Am I… “Fuck it.” I averted my gaze to the windows, staring at the nothingness dark being much easier than keeping my composure with him.
“Nice, good.” He closed the book and tossed it to his desk, claiming he was tired and ready to knock out. I agreed and climbed under my sheets, plugged in my phone and tried desperately to silence the inner drum of my heartbeat. Fuck it, Ace, really? “Talk tomorrow.” He cooed, reaching towards his lamp and turning it off.
Darkness fell upon us instantly, only a shred of moonlight splitting our sides of the room. “Talk tomorrow.” I repeated, staring in his direction, finding the shape of his body in the darkness. He didn’t get under his sheets, no– he just laid on his back, one arm folded behind his head and the other laying on his abdomen. He was still, perfectly still. And he just asked me… on a date?
I laughed internally at myself.
Of course it's not a date. He’s cool and he invited you out to do something in the city, as a friend. Lord knows I needed more friends… speaking of, Erica. I was kind of a dick earlier wasn’t I? Even if Devin deserved it, I told her I’d try for her sake. And I didn’t.
Damn it. Like– how has this year already become more complicated than last year? It’s been two days, two fucking days.
Then sudden shadowed movement from across the room broke me from my internal conflict. Miles’s hand disappearing into his boxers– I froze in place as did his hand. And he was still again, the dark prohibiting me from really seeing what was happening. My own happenings… are happening…
Go to sleep, Ace. Just go to frickin’ sleep.
T.C. - Hi again :) Sorry for leaving on sort of an odd note… Y'all know me though, the smut will be worth it and entertained in the next part. As always, comment!!
