III
After the sauna we hung out in the mineral bath for a bit and then, prompted by an audible grumbling of Parker's stomach, decided that it was time to head home. We dried off and changed clothes in relative silence, both of us pulled into a kind of contented trance. It was after four o’clock, and I realized I was also starting to get hungry.
It was strange, putting our clothes back on after the last hour or more in the bathhouse. Parker looked the same as he had earlier today in his athleticwear, but something about now possessing the knowledge of what was underneath the shorts and tank-top was oddly distracting. I could tell Parker was forcing his eyes on his locker, allowing me the chance to dress in privacy, but strangely I didn't feel that I needed it.
We dropped our uniforms in a large laundry hamper and made our way back to the front desk to pay. A wave of heat assaulted us as we exited the building, and Parker's car felt like a literal convection oven as we first climbed inside.
“That was really fun, man,” I said as he pulled out of the parking lot. “Thanks for taking me.”
“Yeah?” He asked, his eyes on the road. “You're not mad at me for dragging you to a bath house with a bunch of old Korean men?”
I laughed. “First of all, I only saw like three old men, and I think the only Korean there was you.”
“Fair enough,” he laughed.
“No, but really, that was a fun time.”
We rode a majority of the way in silence, listening to the radio, letting the cool air and the sound of the road soothe us. By the time we reached my apartment complex, I was halfway asleep.
“Well,” Parker said, putting the car in park and looking at me. “Thanks for going with me.”
“Yeah man, thanks for the invite.” We sat there awkwardly, neither of us indicating we were in a hurry to move.
“Well, I should probably -” he began, just as I started to ask, “Do you want to order some dinner?”
“What?” Parker asked, laughing. “You go.”
“Do you want to order some dinner? Maybe get pizza and some beer? Keep hanging out for a bit?”
Parker grinned. “Sure.”
And so, an hour later we were sitting on my couch, our stomachs full of pizza, ice cold bottles of beer collecting condensation on the coffee table. After the spa and a good meal, I felt the type of full-bodied contentment I usually associated with the holidays, the physical and emotional satiation like after Thanksgiving Dinner, not a care or criticism to be found. Parker seemed to feel the same; he leaned against the back of the couch, his feet propped up on the table, his arms lazily falling to his side.
We had found some random action movie on Netflix to watch, one of those mindless popcorn flicks that gave us something to do so that we had an excuse to actually do nothing. I was only half-watching, letting my mind wander through memories of today, of childhood at home, of my early days in the apartment when I first moved to the city.
It had been lonely for a while. At first, I didn't do much besides go to work and play video games, hiding out in my bedroom just like I was still living with my parents. It took me some time to grow into the freedom I had, the independence. It really changed when I started going to the gym; I felt better and got more confidence, and though I hate to say it, people started to notice me more after I’d been working out. People kind of like Parker…
“Hey, can I ask you something?” The movie was ending, and Netflix was queueing up another film, nearly indistinguishable from the one we'd just watched.
“Sure, man,” he smiled. “I’m an open book.”
“What…or how did…” I trailed off. ‘When did you realize you were bi?”
He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and smiled sarcastically. “Uh oh. Don’t tell me I made you have an awakening at the spa?”
I laughed. “No, I’m just…I’ve wondered. I know you don’t talk about that very much, and if it’s because you don’t want to then I understand. You don’t have to tell me. But I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk about it because of me, like if you’re worried you’ll make me uncomfortable or something. You're my friend, and I want to hear about your life.”
He looked at me for a few long seconds. “Thanks man, that means a lot. But you're gonna regret asking to hear about all my sexual exploits.” He laughed and took a drink of his beer, finishing the bottle. “I think to answer that question, I need another drink. Want one?”
“Sure,” I said as he walked into the kitchen. He shuffled lazily to the kitchen and retrieved two bottles from the fridge. “Thanks,” I said as he placed a bottle on the table in front of me.
“So,” he began. “When did I realize I was bi?” He thought for a moment. “Honestly? It was sometime in college, around sophomore or junior year.”
“Really?” I exclaimed, surprised. “That late?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I mean, I'd liked girls growing up and had a few girlfriends in high school, so I just never really questioned it.”
“What made you think about it?”
He took a sip of beer, and I could swear I saw his cheeks flush. “Honestly? I was in my room one day just being lazy and watching porn, nothing out of the ordinary for me, but I came across this one video. And the girl was hot, for sure, she had caught my eye when I clicked on it. But, I remember, as I watched it…something about the guy in this video had my attention. He was really good-looking and fit and, I don't know, something about the way he was fucking her…I remember thinking, out of nowhere, ‘Damn, I wonder what it feels like to get fucked like that.’” He took another sip of beer.
“Oh,” I said. We were quiet for a minute and I took a drink, finishing my bottle and reaching for the new one Parker had brought me. “That's not what I expected.” I said, dumbly.
Parker laughed. “What did you expect?”
“I don't know,” I pondered for a minute. “Either the classic, ‘I always knew I was different’ story, or, like, some story of a guy you met or something. Not porn.” I laughed.
“Well,” he shrugged, an embarrassed smile on his face. “Just telling you the facts. I mean,” he paused, head rocking from side to side as he deliberated on something. “So, like, I had a friend when I was younger – we practically grew up together – and we used to jerk off sometimes.”
“Wait, like together?” I asked, shocked.
“Yes, together,” Parker laughed. “He had discovered some porn he found at home, so he showed it to me and he asked if I’d ever jacked off before. I said I had. He said we should do it, so I figured why not? But I don’t remember ever feeling anything about him at the time.”
“Did you just do it the one time?” I asked,
“Nah, we did it for a while,” he admitted freely. “Eventually we just kinda stopped. I think we realized that was a thing you were supposed to do on your own, so we just dropped it one day. Never did it again. And honestly, I didn’t really think about it again until that afternoon in college.”
“Must have been some good porn,” I said dryly.
Parker laughed. “It was. Made me wonder if I’d missed an earlier opportunity to explore a bit.”
“What about after that? The first video,” I asked, my interest piqued.
“Well,” he started. “For a while, not much changed. But I started paying more attention to guys whenever I'd watch porn. Then at some point I started watching stuff that was, ya know, just guys. At first, that was wild,” he laughed, “but I got more and more into it, so I figured, okay I kinda like this. I'm definitely into it. So eventually, I downloaded Grindr and tried hooking up with someone.” He took a drink. “That's the summary, anyways,” he added.
“Huh.” I thought about what he said while I took another drink.
“What does that mean?” He asked, his voice balancing humor with a hint of defensiveness.
“Nothing, that's just interesting. I always thought of being queer as this big secret people grow up hiding. Maybe that's just how people portrayed it back home, I don't know. I never thought about it as something you could learn about yourself later in life.”
“I guess that's fair,” Parker took a drink, his defensiveness evaporated. “But yeah, it was something I sort of discovered as I went along. Tried things and learned that I liked them. Or didn't.” He made a face.
“Yeah?” I chuckled. “Like what?”
He shook his head. “Don't worry about it.”
I laughed, and for a moment we were quiet. “So…do you prefer to have sex with guys or with girls?”
He looked at me through narrow eyes, a smile on his face. “You're really on it with the interrogation tonight.”
“I'm just curious,” I raised my hands.
“Hmm,” he thought. “I don't know. They're different. There are things I like about both.”
“Do you have sex with one more than the other?” I asked.
“Probably more with guys, but only because that’s easier to set up. Like, I’ll have sex with girls when I’m dating them, but guys I can just hook up with at random,” he answered.
“Huh,” I repeated, a little awestruck. I’d never heard sex discussed so casually. “So was it like you thought it would be?” I asked. “Getting fucked by a guy?”
He looked at me, surprise evident on his face. Finally, he nodded. “Even better.” I laughed and raised my bottle in a toast. “Okay, Detective, I've got a question for you,” he said, knocking his bottle against mine and taking a drink of beer.
“Oh boy.”
“How do you have a dick like that and yet have never had sex?”
I groaned and took a drink. “What do you mean?”
He cocked his head at me. “I mean…look at you, man. You're tall, you're handsome, you're smart, you're successful. You're nice. You're hung like a fucking horse.” He winked. “How have you not had to fight women off with a stick?”
My cheeks were burning. “Thanks, man. I'm really not that attractive, though.”
“Yes, you are!” Parker said emphatically, then seemed to catch himself. “Don't sell yourself short, dude.”
I thought for a second. “I don't know, honestly. I really just haven’t got around to it yet.”
“How??”
“First of all, I lived at home until two years ago, in small-town Texas, and my parents were so…like, if I'd tried to date anyone they would've made such a big deal about it and been all over me and had all these rules. And I did not want to put up with that. And besides, even if I'd wanted to, I was some scrawny, little nerd that nobody would've noticed anyways.”
“Well, you're not a scrawny nerd now,” Parker commented. “You're a very muscular nerd.”
I laughed, feeling tension leave my body. I was surprised this was so difficult to talk about. I wondered if Parker had had friends like this growing up, friends he could talk about these things with at a younger age. If so, it must have been nice.
“Thanks. I guess it's just…hard to not still feel like that scrawny nerd? And…I don't know, like I said earlier, before today nobody had ever even seen me naked, so the thought of having sex with someone sounded terrifying. I mean, I've tried to talk to girls on dating apps, but if things started to move in that direction I just started to feel…panicky about it? Which, I know is stupid and I don't need to feel panicky about it. But I'm already a twenty-four-year-old-virgin and the thought of having to admit that to a girl makes me want to vomit. But the thought of not admitting it and pretending like I know what I'm doing is just as bad. So just feel…I don't know, stuck.”
I let out a heavy sigh and sunk into the couch, feeling tired from my little rant. Silence hung between us while we both took a drink. The movie played on in the background. “Sorry,” I finally muttered. “Didn't mean to be a buzzkill.”
Parker looked at me and smirked. “Don't apologize, man. I'm sorry I put you on the spot. And I'm sorry you feel that way.”
“Thanks,” I paused. “I appreciate it.”
“It’s okay to figure this stuff out on your own time. Trust me, I’ve had a lot of sex, and it’s not all great,” he laughed. A comfortable silence settled over us for a while.
“So…if you did have sex with someone,” Parker began, staring intently at the label on his beer bottle. “What would you want that person to be like?”
I mulled over his question. “I don't know,” I finally confessed after a few minutes. “I guess I've never thought I could be picky.”
We both laughed. “Man, if there's one thing you deserve to be picky about, it's who you have sex with.”
‘Fair point,” I took a drink. “I guess I'd want her to be smart. Personable. Like, I don't think I could be attracted to somebody who couldn't hold a good conversation with me first. Funny and authentic. Like, I don't want sex to feel like some show we've got to put on for each other, I'd want it to feel real, genuine. And confident. Like, not someone who just needs me for validation, you know? Someone who feels good about herself and can bring that to the table.”
“Damn,” Parker raised an eyebrow. “I was more asking are you a tits or ass kinda guy. But that was a way better answer.”
I started laughing, a little embarrassed at my speech. I should've known Parker was keeping things light and playful, I just really hadn't thought about the answer to that question before. “I guess that doesn't matter to me as much.”
“Oh, come on, drop the hot guy with a heart of gold act,” Parker rolled his eyes. “Everyone has some kind of preference.”
“What if I really don't? What if I really am that nice of a guy?” I gave him a mischievous grin.
“At this point, I wouldn't even be surprised,” Parker muttered as he took another drink.
“I don't know, I guess I've always thought more about the situation than the person,” I confessed. He looked at me with a furrowed brow, so I continued. “You know, like imagining how it would happen…where we'd be and what we'd been doing and how we led up to it. But I've never really imagined it with one particular person or another.”
“Huh,” Parker nodded. “I guess that makes sense. It's like porn, right? Fantasizing about how the situation turns sexy.”
I snorted. “Hey, I gave you an honest answer! But sure, I guess it is kinda like porn.”
He flashed a sarcastic grin, satisfied to be right. I rolled my eyes and took a drink and for a few minutes we just watched the movie. We'd not been paying attention, so we didn't really know what was happening. “In these scenarios…” Parker began, his voice suddenly hoarse. “Are they at least, you know…” he trailed off.
“What?” I asked. I turned to look at him. He met my eyes quickly and then looked away, an odd display of embarrassment for him.
“Never mind, dumb question.”
“No, ask it,” I pressed him. He kept his eyes on the TV for a second, though I could see he was weighing his options in his mind. “Please?”
“In these scenarios, are they always girls?” He asked this while staring at the tv. I was half-expecting the question, though it still caught me off guard to hear him say it. He fidgeted with his beer bottle while I thought about how to answer.
It was a fair question, after all. I'd asked him about his bisexuality, so it made sense he'd ask a similar question in return. Maybe the most surprising part was, after today, it was a question that felt genuinely worth exploring.
“I guess so,” I finally answered. “I mean, that has historically been my default.” Parker looked at me, his face carefully controlled. “I guess I always thought my first time would be with someone I knew and had a relationship with – I never wanted it to be a hookup or one-night stand or anything; I thought it would be someone I liked, someone I trusted and felt safe around, someone I found attractive. I guess I always assumed that would be a girl, but…” I trailed off, weighing my words carefully. I didn't want to say anything misleading to Parker. He was my friend, and I trusted him and respected him, and I didn't want to say anything I didn't mean. However, as the words left my mouth, I was surprised by their sincerity. “I guess it could be anyone I felt that way about.”
“Hmm,” Parker nodded, and a thick silence fell over us, not uncomfortable, but full of uncertainty and anticipation.
My cheeks were growing warm, though I wasn’t sure whether that was the alcohol or the direction our conversation was headed. I understood the significance of what I’d just suggested, and a part of me thought it should feel like a bigger deal; growing up, a statement like the one I’d just made would’ve been considered radical, reprehensible. But saying it to Parker, it just felt true. I liked being around Parker; I trusted him; and if today had shown me anything, it’s that I felt more comfortable being around him than probably anyone else in my life. As far as criteria went, he was meeting most of it.
“You know,” he finally spoke up a few moments later, his voice rough. “If you ever wanted to get a few of those first out of the way, I could…help you out.” I looked over at him, careful to keep my expression level. He stared intently at his hands.
“Oh,” I said, swallowing hard. “I, um…”
“Sorry,” he cut me off. “That was stupid, forget I said that.”
“No,” I said, a little too loudly. “It wasn’t stupid.”
Parker looked up at me, his eyes shimmering in the light of the tv.
“It wasn’t?” he asked.
I tried to say something, but the words stuck in my throat. Instead, I just shook my head.
“Are you sure?” he asked, his eyes scanning my face as if searching for some sign of an impending punchline, waiting for me to play this all off as some sort of joke.
“No,” I laughed. “But…don’t let that stop me.”
Parker smiled, his eyes holding mine as he slowly, cautiously leaned forward.
“It’s just…” I began, causing Parker to pull back.
“What?” he asked, alarmed.
I let out a sight. “I don’t want you to do it out of pity. Like, I know you like guys and all, but you don’t have to offer just because I haven’t been able to make it happen for myself.”
“Luke,” Parker smiled, his features softening. “I’m not offering out of pity. I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t, you know, want to.” A faint blush spread across his cheeks, and my breath hitched in my chest.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“Yeah, dumbass, have you seen yourself?” He laughed nervously. “But…if you don’t want to, I get it. It was kind of an out-there suggestion anyways.”
“I want to.” I sounded hoarse, but I hoped he could hear my sincerity. Our eyes met again, and I gave a slight nod of permission. Parker let out a slow breath and reached his hand towards my thigh.
