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-- Danny
With the door open wide, the rain bounced off Ryan. Some of it landed on me, but at that moment, I didn’t notice. My eyes were fixed on the handsome figure before me. Was it possible that he had become more handsome in the months since I first, and last, saw him? Had he had a change of heart? Had he come searching for me? I wanted to move toward him, to grab him, and never to let him go.
The trees that separated the apartment from the parking lot moved violently in the swirling wind; the branches moved as though performing gymnastics, but my eyes remained transfixed on Ryan. He seemed unable to move as well. His slightly ajar mouth indicated some surprise. A squeal from behind me brought me out of my self-induced trance. “Uncle Ryan!” Kevin jumped up from the couch. “Here, let me pause this so I don’t miss anything.” He pushed a button on the remote and tossed it on the couch. In an instant, he was running to Ryan.
Ryan stepped into the apartment and leaned down. “It’s so good to see you, but I am all wet. Save your hug for when I’m dry.”
I continued to stand there with the door open. He hadn’t come to see me. He was the kids’ uncle. He was here for them. I had been fighting back tears of elation at seeing him; now, I was fighting back tears of devastation. The pain had lessened over the past months, and I thought I was getting over him. Seeing him proved that I hadn’t.
“Uncle Derrick, do you have a shirt for Uncle Ryan to wear. He’s really soggy.” Kevin did a little giggle.
“Yeah, I do.” I forced a smile.
“Uncle Kevin, you can sit with me and Uncle Derrick when you get dry.” Kevin got back on the sofa and unpaused the movie.
I motioned for Kevin to follow me. “You want to wait in the bathroom while I’ll get you a t-shirt and some sweatpants?” I heard the rain on the roof get heavier. Just get into the bathroom and let me out of here, I thought, before my heart breaks in two and I bleed all over the floor.
“Derrick, I didn’t know you’d be here.” He reached for my hand. “But now that I see you, I’m glad you are; I’ve been struggling with some things, things I’ve wanted to say to you.” His head dropped; I sensed a tightness in his cheeks. He was clenching his teeth. He coughed as if he were fighting back emotions, and when he looked up at me, his eyes were moist. “But I’ll take the kids back to the other place if you want me to.”
I looked into his eyes and wondered if I should tell him what’s in my heart, but what if he crushed my heart a second time. Would I be able to handle it? Even dripping wet, he was so handsome. But his looks weren’t at the core of my feelings. They were like the whipped cream and a cherry on top of a good milkshake. “I wished for you to walk through that door too many times to send you away.” He smiled, and the pressure on my hand increased. “Besides, there’s a bloody mess next door that you’ll need to clean up before I let the kids go back over there.”
“What do you mean?”
“Janet was bleeding. It’s on the carpet. I turned off the lights so the kids wouldn’t see.”
“Maybe I should check it out now before changing into clean clothes.” His tone had become serious. He drew his brows together. He’d switched to ‘cop mode.’ He was so adorable.
“It’s not a crime scene.” I pulled his hand to my chest and held it there. It felt so good to touch him. “But I do have some spot cleaner for carpets if you want to go and spray some.”
“Yeah, let me do that. Then I’ll come back and change clothes. Do you mind if I shower?”
The man I would have taken a bullet for three months ago, and probably still would even today, is asking whether I will let him shower in my bathroom. How could he not see how I felt. “Of course, I’ll put the clothes on the counter.” I wanted to kiss him, but I knew I had to hear him out.
About thirty minutes later, Ryan came out of the shower and asked me to help him put his weapon in a place where the kids would not get to. Kevin had fallen asleep, but he had realized it was coming and paused the movie. I scooped him up and put him on my bed next to Tammy. Ryan and I were finally alone and able to talk, but would he?
I sat in the middle of the couch; Ryan seemed to have difficulty deciding where to sit. “Sit next to me.”
“Is it safe?” He raised his eyebrows. He was trying to keep things light.
“Probably not.” I was serious. “But you’re a brave man. You can handle it.”
“Not really.” He sat next to me. “I’m a coward. I broke things off with you because I couldn’t face telling people I had fallen in love with a man.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened them again, Ryan was leaning forward with his head in his hands. “Were you afraid of what would happen at work?” I put my hand on his shoulder.
“Maybe a little. There are other gay cops, and most of the other cops are pretty indifferent to it. There are a few who say things behind their backs, but it wasn’t the guys at work that I was worried about. I don’t have a lot of friends, and I was worried that my family would turn me out. I didn’t think I could bear that.”
“I understand.”
“Do you? Do you really?”
I nodded. “I do.”
Ryan continued. “You say that, and I believe you. I can trust you. I wanted you to know that I… that it wasn’t your fault. You’re the most wonderful guy I’ve ever met. That night at the restaurant, I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to take you home with me because I felt that you were a missing part of me, and I thought I was ready for that. I want so much to be with you and…” His voice dropped off.
“Are you’re still worried about your family?”
“Yeah, they don’t know. I don’t know how to tell them. I’ve practiced in my head how to tell them, yet I can’t seem to think of the right words, the right way. But what I realized over the past few months is that when I started talking to you, I was happier than I’ve ever been. As I said before you I felt that part of me was just an empty space, a void I couldn’t figure out how to fill. I’ve been so miserable since I stopped talking to you. Even if my family doesn’t want anything to do with me, I couldn’t be more unhappy than I am without you.”
“So while I’ve been trying to get over you, you’ve been stuck between telling your family and telling me?”
Ryan turned to look at me. “I feel like a loser.” He turned away.
I pulled his head closer and kissed it. “You’re not.”
“But I know the right thing to do. I’ve spent the last several months kicking myself for sending you that text. And every time I sit down to send you a text asking for forgiveness and telling you I want to try again, I get panicked.
“That’s why I just stared at you when you opened the door. I was terrified and excited at the same time. But I’m glad it was you. It forces me what I should have had the balls to say months ago. I don’t know whether you’ll understand this, but I fell in love with you while we were talking on the phone. And then when we met, I couldn’t believe how handsome you were. And are. We could have been so happy.”
I was hearing all the things I had dreamed I might hear one day. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I sat in silence, waiting for him to finish.
“I’ve ruined it.” He turned to me again. “I have, haven’t I?”
“Are you saying that you don’t love me anymore?”
His eyes opened wide. “No. That’s not it at all. I don’t know how, or if you’ll even believe me, but I love you more now than I did back then. I go to sleep thinking about you, and I wake up wondering what you’re doing and what kind of day you have planned.”
“Then how have you ruined it?” I asked him.
“You must hate me. I said I wanted to see you again. You said you wanted to see me again, and then I dumped you. I dumped you without cause.”
“Ryan, you weren’t ready for a relationship. By your own admission, you thought you were but realized you weren’t. How could I hate you for that? We’re gay men. Not only do we have the regular shit that happens in relationships, but we have a lot of extra crap to deal with. It’s not easy to sort out.”
“Then you don’t hate me.”
I smiled. “Don’t be stupid; you know I love you.”
“Shania Twain.”
“She might have said it first, but I’m saying it to you.”
Ryan moved his head closer. I looked down at his lips; I saw them quivering. I wanted to feel them against mine. My heart rate increased, and I leaned toward him and tilted my head.
A huge flash of light filled the room, and a thunderous explosion shook the windows and the walls. Another flash with incredible thunder was followed by a child’s screams.
The two of us immediately stood up and rushed to the bedroom. Kevin was already soothing his sister. “She just scared because of the storm.”
I got into bed next to Kevin, and Ryan slipped in next to Tammy.
“Uncle Ryan. I was scared.”
He held her head next to him. “Shh. It’s OK. I’m here. Kevin’s here.” He looked at me. “Derrick’s here. We’ll keep you safe.” Tammy fell back asleep with a minute. He continued to cradle her. He looked up at me and whispered, “We’ll never have this, you know.”
“We have it now,” I whispered back.
There was another flash with a softer roll of thunder, and the lights went dark. No electricity. Within minutes I could tell that Ryan had nodded off. I could hear his steady breathing. I got up and covered him with a light blanket. I checked my phone, and the rain was expected to last throughout the next day. Flash flood warnings had been extended. I wanted to snuggle up next to Ryan, but there was only space for me on the other side of the bed. I got under the covers, and it wasn’t long before I was fast asleep.
A light repetitive knocking woke me. I looked over, and all three of them were still soundly sleeping. I could see from the window that it was early morning, and a light from the hallway indicated that power had been restored. I slipped out of the bed and went to the door. I opened it to find Steve, looking as though he hadn’t slept in days, leaning against the jamb.
“How’s Janet?” I motioned him in with my head.
“She’s going to be OK. She had a ruptured cyst. She lost a lot of blood, but the doctor said it was going to be alright. They did some sort of endoscopic surgery. How are the kids?”
“They’re still asleep. Ryan’s in there with them. There’s still some cleanup needed before they go back.”
“Hey, I wasn’t expecting you to do any cleaning,” he told me.
“Actually, Ryan went and did some pretreatment.” I heard the patter of feet, and Kevin popped into the living room. He ran to his father and hugged him. “I’ve got a secret,” he announced, then he whispered something into Steve’s ear.
I saw Steve smile, and then he looked at me in a way that I began to feel uncomfortable.
“How about some breakfast?”
“OK,” Kevin replied. He moved into the kitchen.
“How about you Steven?”
“I’m good for now. Thanks.” Was there a change in his tone?
“I have to admit that I like this cereal with pecans and dates,” I told Kevin. Do you want some of that?”
“Sure, I’ll try it.” He sat at the table and waited. His head barely above the top.
As I put the bowl down, Ryan came into the room. “Good morning.”
“Good morning,” I responded, as I tried not to look at him. He had pulled off his shirt, revealing one super sexy hairy chest. Plus, I wish I’d given him underwear. He was sporting a semi-erect penis in those sweatpants.
“Is there something you want to tell me, Ryan?” Steve’s look told me he knew something and wasn’t going to let things go. What did Kevin tell him?
Ryan looked over at me. He seemed a little pale.
Steve spoke up again. “I didn’t ask him. I’m waiting for you to tell me.”
“Alright.” Ryan’s voice cracked. He put his head down. Was this the moment of truth for him? “I’m gay.”
“No shit, Sherlock. I’ve known that since we were teenagers. What am I, an idiot?”
I sat down at the dinner table.
Ryan seemed generally confused. “What then?”
Kevin leaned over to me and held his hand up as though he were telling me a secret. “Ryan’s got a boyfriend.”
Did Ryan already have a boyfriend? Had he been using me? I looked over at the five-year-old. “Who is it?” came out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about what I was saying.
“It’s you, silly.”
I looked up at Ryan and then back at Kevin. “And how did you figure that?”
“It’s the way he looks at you. Like the people in the movies do.”
