There’s nothing like a symbolic slap in the face to make someone wake up to some realities. My grandparents would probably tell me to remember that I’m still a kid with an undeveloped brain. I was wondering whether I had used my brain at all. Maybe I was letting my dick think for me. Being kicked out of Rob’s apartment after what seemed like really great sex made me realize that I had begun to trust him without knowing him. Then, on TV, I saw the report of a guy who got picked up at a gay club and was murdered. The guy picking him up wasn’t gay; he was just out to beat up a gay guy. That fact that it happened in the peninsula and not around my town did not make me feel any better.
I went back to a semi-celibate status. I only had sex with my hand, and I tried to keep that to a maximum of one time a week.
Graduation came and went. The summer seemed to zoom right on by, and classes began at the university. I had been able to snag a scholarship that gave me enough money to live on campus. My roommate, Albert Martinez, was an architecture student in his fourth semester at school. He had a group of older friends who didn’t want to spend time with a freshman. Albert ate with me the first few days but began to sit more often with his friends. I’d never had trouble making friends before, but I had changed. Slowly, though, I began to hang out with some of the guys from the dorm.
I also gained a few friends from the classes I was taking. I’d thought that I’d have more friends in the computer science department, but so many of those guys were very nerdy. A few of them did live in their parents’ basements, and the guys I did click with were those who were math majors and taking computer classes as a minor.
All in all, college life seemed rather easy as long as I kept up with my assignments. As for my sex life, it was just me and my hand. I discovered a source of free condoms, and I found that by using them, I could jerk off in bed and not make a mess.
Albert had a girlfriend. At least, he talked about a girlfriend. I had serious doubts, but one Friday evening, he arrived with her. She talked incessantly making it very difficult for me to concentrate on my programming assignment. Later that night, I had difficulty sleeping because she was making little “Oo-Oo” noises. I’m sure the noises were not in response to his penis size. I had seen him naked, and I’m sure the only penis I’d ever seen that was smaller than his was on my cousin Joey. I had helped my Aunt Alicia change his diaper when he wasn’t even a year old. I suppose all babies have small ones, but I hope that most of them grow as we age. Albert was about five-eight, and the poor guy must have had a three-inch cock. I guess his girlfriend didn’t mind.
Only one additional event happened to me that first semester. A girl from my English class asked me out. There was a dance being held at her sorority, and I guess she liked tall guys. She stopped me in the hall after class. There were several other students milling about, and I wasn’t sure what to say. I certainly didn’t want to go. She was pretty, but what would have been the point?
“I’m sorry.” I paused for a moment, unsure whether I should say more. “I don’t date girls.”
Her face didn’t seem to register what I meant.
One of the better looking guys in the class had been standing behind her. He looked up at me and asked, “You queer?” His tone didn’t have any nastiness in it, but I was still taken aback.
“Yeah,” is all I said before turning and walking away. The rest of the afternoon and that evening, my stomach churned. I imagined the looks I would get in class on Thursday. I saw them looking at me with scowls of disgust.
Wednesday didn’t go much better. I was nauseated most of the day. I kept glancing at all the good looking guys that I’d had brief fantasies about and imagining what they would say if they knew. Maybe they did know. I began to imagine the things that they would say. I’d heard about guys being beaten up for being gay. Could that happen on this campus?
I woke up for Thursday classes with a feeling of dread. I looked at myself in the mirror after my shower and wondered where the guy I used to know had gone. Where was my confidence? Had the episode with Rob destroyed that man? Out loud, I asked, “Do I need to see a counselor?”
I had to get to class, and I would have that discussion with myself at a later time. I dressed and hurried off to math class. I had imagined that everyone in math class would know what I had admitted just two days before, yet no one said anything out of the ordinary. English class was next, and that one would be the one with hell to pay. The knot in my stomach grew bigger. I almost went back to my room instead of going to class. At the moment when I decided not to let anyone keep me from getting my education, I honestly felt ashamed of myself. Why should I hide? I hadn’t decided to be gay; I had just realized that I was. Rather than lead Joanna on, I think that was her name, I told her the truth.
The truth.
A product of integrity. I hadn’t lost that. I heard myself say, inside my head of course, “Hold your head up high, you mother-fucking idiot.” The only shame would have been in saying ‘yes’ and pretending to be interested in attending the dance with her. I decided that if anyone wanted to give me any trouble, I would stare them down with indignation at their ignorance.
As I walked toward the door to the English course classroom, one of the guys from class said, “Hey, Jason. Did you get to read all the assignment? I got through most of it, but I ran out of time. Biology test, you know.”
“I finished it, but I was ahead with the reading so I didn’t have so much to read.”
“I need to be better about that,” he replied as he slipped into the room.
A hand on my shoulder caused me to turn back around. I was blocking the door. The guy who had asked me whether I was queer was standing in front of me. “I’m sorry about yesterday. My brother’s gay, and he acts so girly all the time, prancing about and such, that I was surprised that you’re gay. I know I’ve got a stereotype in my head, but that’s no reason to be rude.”
“It’s cool, man,” I said. I was amazed at how easily I forgave him. I stepped aside to let him enter the room first. It was a small gesture to let him know that I had no hard feelings. Why had I allowed myself to get so worked up over imaginary consequences. I had learned another life lesson. What you imagine is almost always worse than reality.
Even though there were now people in my English class who knew I was gay, and possibly people in other classes, I wasn’t asked out for any dances or dinners. No one invited me back to his room for some heavy making out, and I maintained a look, but don’t touch, policy toward the cute guys in my classes. Thanksgiving arrived faster than I expected. My sister and her husband picked me up on their way to Mom and Dad’s.
My brother-in-law Roy began to question me about my dating habits. He wanted to know whether I was taking advantage of the sexual discovery period of most college students. I quietly told him I was too involved in my studies, that Freshman year was a little more difficult than I had expected (although, it was actually easier than I had anticipated), and that, when I started dating, it would be with men. There was a definite silence in the car for several minutes.
“I wasn’t expecting that at all,” said Rosie. “In fact, I figured you’d have at least two girls with buns in the oven at this point.” She chuckled awkwardly.
“Mom and Dad don’t know yet. I’m going to tell them after Christmas, in case they decide to throw me out.”
“They’re not going to toss you on your ear, Bud,” said Roy. “They’ll accept it. Hell, I’ve already accepted it. You’re still my favorite bro-in-law.”
“I’m your only bro-in-law,” I laughed.
“And I love you. Don’t forget that.”
I started to tear up. I waited to hear the same thing from my sister. I never would.
I didn’t get to break the news to my parents. Early on Christmas Eve, my Aunt Joyce was involved in an automobile accident, and my mother wasn’t able to get a flight out, so both my father and mother drove off to take care of her family. My sister decided to head back home. Roy gave me a hug and told me that things would end up being OK. As soon as they were gone, I bundled up in a heavy jacket and took a walk around the neighborhood. The weather was cold, but no snow or ice was predicted for the rest of the year.
Several blocks from home, I tried to decide whether to walk toward downtown and catch the Christmas decorations as the sun set and the lights came on. I was feeling an overwhelming sense of nostalgia when a voice hollered, “Jason. Come in out of the cold.” I turned to discover I was a few houses down from Colt’s home, and he was standing at the edge of his driveway waving to me. He wasn’t wearing a jacket. I walked toward him.
“I happened to look up and see you outside through the kitchen window,” he said with a big grin. “I was making some hot chocolate. Come in and get some.”
“I would love some, but I don’t want to intrude on your family,” I told him. My teeth actually chattered a bit.
“Fuck that. Anyway, they’re off doing whatever they do. I’m staying in my shed anyway. Too many relatives. Meet me back there. I’ll bring the chocolate and the mugs.” He started for his front door.
I complied and walked around to the back of his house and waited by the door to the shed. The wind had picked up. I knew that we were expecting colder weather and a light snowfall. I knew that made a lot of people happy. White Christmas and all that jazz, but I also knew that the weather had nothing to do with the celebration of baby Jesus. Sometimes when I heard people talking like that, I wondered whether the world had lost its way.
I slapped my hands together to warm them and looked up as Colt appeared at the back door with a bag in one hand and a jacket around his arm. Was Colt a symbol of how I’d lost my way? For me, he’d been a minor annoyance in middle school. In high school, I pitied him–that bitch of a sister he had. For one afternoon, I lusted after him in a way that I didn’t realize was possible. Now, I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. Was he a friend? Was he just the guy that I lost my virginity with? I saw him smile as he approached, and I was glad he’d seen me.
I waited for him and opened the door just as he stepped onto the rubber mat. Once inside and out of the wind, I realized how much the wind had chilled me. Colt pulled a huge thermos from the bag along with two Star Wars mugs. He filled them quickly and handed one to me.
“Mmm.” The cocoa was excellent, and I’m sure it was just what I needed. I looked down at him and smiled.
“So, have a seat and tell me what’s been going on.”
I sat on the foam cushion that had a wrinkled blanket spread over it. Colt leaned against a workbench and sipped on his hot chocolate as I gave him a very brief synopsis of my first semester at college. When I finished, I was surprised to hear him say, “You’re a great guy, Jason. I’m glad you’re my friend.”
I did a fist bump with him and realized that the shed wasn’t really that warm. “What have you been doing?”
“I’m taking two courses at the community college and driving a forklift at the sauerkraut factory. For personal fulfillment, I avoid guys who only want blowjobs. I’ve seen a guy I met online a few times. He’s very introverted, and when I went back to his place, he wanted to watch some porn while he rubbed himself through his pants.” Colt chuckled a little at that. “I was actually glad because at that point, I knew things were not going to go anywhere.”
“Yeah. It takes a lot of searching to find the right pair of socks,” I said.
“What?” He began to laugh. “I just usually grab the top pair.” He looked directly at me as though I were crazy, and then his smile disappeared, replaced by a serious look. I saw him swallow hard. “Maybe I should have asked Santa for a boyfriend instead of a fuck buddy.”
“That depends on what you want,” I replied.
He pulled in a deep breath and blew out a hard stream of air. I saw the stream of mist that told me the room was really cold. “I thought you said you were staying in here because the house was full of relatives.”
“Yeah, I am.” His tone had lost some of its joy.
“It’s awfully cold, Colt. And, it’s supposed to get colder.”
“I’ve got an Arctic sleeping bag.” He pointed to a balled up wad of fabric that appeared to be from World War II.
“You slept in that? It looks like it smells bad.”
“It does.”
“No. That’s not right,” I insisted. “There’s no place in the house for you to sleep?”
“There’s plenty of floorspace. The couches have been claimed by the little kids, and the beds are full of teens and adults. Besides, all the noise and shit gets on my nerves.”
“Then you’re going to stay at my house. No one’s in the guest room. I’m by myself. My parents are gone. I could use the company. Pack an overnight bag–maybe in a several nights bag. How long are people staying?”
“Some are staying until New Year’s Day. I’m not sure. Are you sure it’s OK for me to stay at your place?”
“Of course,” I told him as I stood up. “Let’s go. It’s fucking cold in this room, and the temperature is not going up.”
“I need to pack some things and then I’ll drive over. You want to wait here for me?” he asked.
“No. I’ll head home now. You park in the driveway behind the garage door on the right side.” I slipped my jacket on. “We can have more hot chocolate tonight in front of the fireplace. I’ll bring some extra wood in.”
The reason I wanted to go home right away was an unmade bed. I also had a habit of dropping clothes on the floor as I go to bed and not picking them up right away. I wanted my room to be completely neat. I wasn’t worried about the rest of the house. I cleaned it up right after my sister left, and I knew everything was in order. I still went into the guest room and gave it a once over. I made sure that the bathroom was in order and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
I thought I felt the floor move beneath my feet and I grabbed the edge of the counter as I leaned forward. The mirror seemed to rotate and nausea rose within my belly. Was I falling into the mirror? I felt alone and cold, and I was falling. Just as quickly as it began, the episode was over. I was standing with a tight grip on the edge of the bathroom counter, and everything was fine. I continued to stare at myself until I heard the car pull up.
Hurrying to the side door that led from the utility room to a small covered patio next to the driveway. I peered out to see Colt getting out of his little red car. It was an old Ford, I think, and I remember his telling me that it belonged to his grandmother. He walked toward the house with a small canvas gym bag in one hand. I opened the door to welcome him in.
Colt removed his coat and I placed it on a peg.
“Shoes should go below your coat. Those are the rules,” I tried to maintain a serious tone.
“Fancy.”
“A rule that makes sense. Many of the other rules are just stifling, but who’s going to know if we don’t follow them?” I asked.
“You will, so I bet we’re going to follow them.” He poked my belly with his finger. “Just as muscular as ever.” He looked up at me. “This is so much better than freezing my ass off in that shed wishing you were freezing yours off next to me.”
“Take a look at that pile of wood.” I pointed to the stack I’d put in front of the washing machine.
“Planning for a blizzard?”
“I am. The thing that holds the logs in the front room is practically empty, and I’m pretty sure that it’s going to get colder. My dad likes to leave the thermostat at sixty-five degrees. He monitors it with his phone.”
Colt laughed. “I’m surprised my dad doesn’t have that. It probably costs too much. He’d rather slap you upside the head if he even catches you thinking about touching the thermostat. That’s OK. If you get too cold, you can always snuggle up next to me.”
“Ah. You’ve probably got cold feet. Speaking of that, let’s get the firewood into the living room and get some snacks.” We moved the wood into the log holder. Colt got a fire started while I brought in some of the cookies and sandwiches that my mother had made for our family gathering. I placed them on the raised hearth as far from the heat as I could. There was a nice assortment of sweets and meats. The only thing missing was the paté that my grandfather always provided at Christmas. My parents turned their noses up at the thought of eating it, but I found it delicious on a Ritz cracker. Since he passed away, no one else bought any. I promised myself that the first Christmas after I graduated college, I would buy some. We would also sip on Mogen David wine. I would get some of that, too.”
“What are you thinking about?” Colt asked me as he pulled a blanket from the pile and covered my feet with it.
“My grandfather and Christmases past.”
Colt looked directly at me. I saw the fire dance in his eyes, and then his eyes moistened. “I miss my grandparents, too. Nothing can replace them.”
“No, but my brother-in-law told me–it was actually two Christmases ago when he found me crying in the basement next to my grandpa’s favorite chair–he told me that my grandpa would want me to make new happy memories in his honor. I still miss him, but I’m going to have a great memory to add to my Christmas Eve memories. You’ve already made sure of that.”
“Me?” asked Colt. “How? I haven’t done anything special.”
“You’ve made me laugh, and you covered my feet with the blanket. It shows that you’re a caring guy, a real friend.”
“You’ll…” His voice trailed off. Outside, the wind whipped around the house. Inside, the fire crackled and the room was filled with a beautiful orange glow. I leaned back against the foot of the recliner and waited for him to finish his sentence.
“Hold me.”
I smiled. I think I’d been waiting to hear him say that since he first called my name earlier that day. I didn’t say anything. I reached my arms forward and pulled him to me. He was sitting in my lap, his face next to mine. My left arm wrapped behind him and my fingers held his waist. My other hand moved up to the side of his head, and I pulled it closer and kissed his temple, then his cheek, and finally his mouth. He kissed back, and the emptiness drained away.
