21
The Rest of Bem’s Story and a New Experience
I finally acted on the impulse I’d been fighting for most of the time that Bem had been talking. I grabbed my friend and pulled his lean body into my lap. I held him against me, facing me with his knees next to my hips. “You’re not a monster. You’re my friend, my dear friend.”
Bem didn’t return my embrace, but I felt his arms raise to my sides, like he was looking at his hands behind my back. “But there’s so much bad stuff, so much betrayal and blood, my hands are soaked in it. When I touch Shawn, sometimes I feel like I’m staining him, wiping my bloody hands on pure white lace. Sometimes…sometimes, Big Guy, I even feel that way with you.”
I pulled away so I could look in Bem’s eyes. “Stop it.” I scolded him. “You can’t contaminate someone with your sins, just like you can’t change the past. You’ve killed but you’re not a murderer. The fact that it haunts you proves you’re not dead inside. You’re a good man who has done bad things for the right reasons…maybe the best reasons.
“Shawn and I knew that you weren’t an innocent. He and I talked about it. When Shawn was worried over the mission, about maybe having to hurt someone or kill them, I reminded him that every person on the team, except us, had blood on their hands. I was trying to show him that killing doesn’t make you an evil person.”
Bem brought the heels of his hands against the sides of his head, like he wanted to crush it. “You don’t understand.” He groaned. The sound was so pathetic, a keening whine like I’d expect from a wounded animal. “How could you? I’m not talking about one, or a couple, or even ten. I’ve personally killed thirty-seven people in the fifty-three years I was a problem-solver. Another two-hundred-and-fifty-one were executed by the state on my evidence alone. You assumed I wasn’t innocent. You didn’t know I was a butcher.”
The number hit me in the face like an open-handed slap. Until Bem quoted the number, everything he’d said had felt abstract. Since I first met Bem, I’d pretty much known that he’d taken life. I assumed as a special forces soldier that he must have. I figured it had been in battle though, not the way he described, like he was some kind of special agent assassin. Even when he announced that he was a killer, even that seemed sort-of OK to me. I figured he killed people like an agent in an action movie; hunt down a bad guy and ‘dispatch’ him quickly and remorselessly. That seemed dispassionate enough that it didn’t bother me too badly.
When Bem told me about how he’d killed people when they trusted him the most, that was disturbing, but I assumed it was mostly self-loathing dramatics. I guess I didn’t believe he was capable of that level of detachment. I figured that killing someone after earning their trust was something that only happened in movies.
The huge number somehow brought Bem’s confession into focus and convinced me that he’d done exactly as he’d said. It rattled me. I felt a wave of anxiety just from having a man in my arms that had been involved, either directly or indirectly, in the deaths of nearly three hundred people.
I fought to get my emotions under control and reminded myself that Bem was my friend, no matter what he’d done in the past. He’d always been kind to me and that’s what should matter. That’s what should matter, but like everything else in life, it wasn’t quite that easy. I sat back on the swing and tried to ask a reasonable question. “I need you to explain it to me.”
Bem sighed and let his head hang down. “I was afraid of this.” He muttered between us. “OK, Church, what do you want to know?”
I tried to arrange my questions in my head and ask them dispassionately. I also tried to shove aside anything that was pure voyeurism. The morbid part of me that was curious about the dark side of life wanted Bem to give me all the grisly details. I had to tell myself that I had no right to ask for those. I had to remind myself that the literal execution of the killing was none of my business. The only things I had a right to ask were the things that explained the character of the man who was my friend. “I want to understand the job you did and who these people were that you…who you killed.”
Bem nodded into his chest. “I spent my life inside criminal organizations and terrorist cells. You wouldn’t think that a place like Solum would have either, but it does. There are groups, well-funded groups that try all kinds of things to disrupt society. There’s little difference between the two. The terror cells and the organized crime, the end results of each are the same; one relies on vice and the other on fear.
“I worked to undermine the power of both types of organization. My goal was always to stop these people from carrying out their plans, whatever they happened to be. Usually, I did it by gathering evidence and bringing the perpetrators and their leadership to justice. ‘Justice,’ in many instances, meant execution. The PCS believes in capital punishment. I…I believe in it too.
“I want you to understand, I was not an assassin. The government employs assassins, but I never did that work or worked directly with those people. I only killed when I had to, when I absolutely had to. Twice in my career I was exposed as an agent and had to…it was kill or be killed. Most of my body count came from those two times. The rest of the times were like that story I told of the man who stopped the plot in my village.
“Because I was always the one on the same side as the terrorists, when the main force came to mop up, in order to prevent big shoot outs, very often…too often, I had to shoot those who didn’t plan to surrender. As many evil lives as I’ve ended, I feel that I saved many more good lives. That’s how I look at it anyway. That’s how I have to see it.”
Part of what Bem told me made me feel better, and part of it horrified me. “How could you do it?” I asked more urgently than I should have. “I mean, how could you go into those situations knowing that…knowing how things were likely to end? I mean, I guess after the first couple, you knew how things were going to end. How could you?”
Bem dragged his chin off his chest and brought his eyes up to meet mine. His expression surprised me. It wasn’t the shallow, dead-eyed gaze that I expected. The face that met mine was defiant and proud. Bem answered my question with a question. “Big Guy, what do you believe in?” He demanded of me.
His question took me by surprise. I didn’t know how to answer it, so I answered it with yet another question. “What do you mean?”
“What do I mean?” Bem parroted my question back to himself. “The military opened my eyes.” Bem continued. “It showed me that the world wasn’t as safe as I thought it was. It showed me that constant vigilance is required so people like my father and my neighbors in Levare could live peacefully. Someone had to do the work that was necessary to protect those people so they could live the lives that they wanted to live. I believed that I had what it took to protect the people who couldn’t protect themselves.
“Regular people, people like you and Shawn and your brother and Andy and Mary and Hannah and Leah, they all need someone like me to protect them from the ugliness that exists in the world. Regular people need people like me so they can live their regular lives. I believe what I did was right. I believe I served justice. I believed that then, and I believe it now. I believe in the work that I did. I don’t apologize for it. The people that I killed and the people who were executed through my testimony, ALL of those people deserved to die. The ones that didn’t deserve it, they went to prison to serve terms of punishment, or they were released.”
Bem had confused me. Everything he’d said up to a point seemed like an apology for what he’d done. The last thing had been a defiant justification for those same actions. I didn’t get it and said as much. Bem tried to explain. “The trouble is, I don’t know if I can go back to being a regular person. I thought I was resigned to never having the life my father had. I thought that I could live the rest of my life as a soldier. Not a literal soldier in the service of my country but live a soldier’s life. I thought I could live to work, live to perform a task and relieve the pressure with emotionless sex.”
Bem shook his head miserably. “I found out that I can’t. I want to be loved. I want to be held like you hold me. I want to be loved like Shawn loves you. You guys showed me what I was missing out on, and I realized that I couldn’t…that I can’t go on forever the way I have been.”
Bem’s defiant gaze softened and grew thoughtful, maybe even wistful, as he expressed his wishes. “I want what you guys have. I want someone to be naked with. I want…I want someone…I want someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be OK. I want that so badly, Church. I don’t think I can have that though. The past keeps crying out to me.”
“Your…uh…” I said and swallowed the next word that I planned to utter. I almost said, ‘your victims,’ but I knew that wasn’t right. Bem had been involved with death, but he wasn’t a murderer. I had to remind myself of the difference and reframe my question. “You mean the people that you…I mean the people whose deaths you…uh…brought about? You hear them?”
Bem shook his head and his dead eyes returned for a second. “Big Guy, no one I killed EVER cried out.” The dead eyes faded, and depth returned to my friend’s gaze as he explained. “I don’t hear them…those people. I hear my actions. I hear the things that I’ve done, and I feel like I’m marked by them. I believe that the people who I betrayed and those that I killed deserved what they got. I believe that my actions were right, but that doesn’t make me any less a betrayer and a killer. I am no less marked.
“Since you guys visited me, three months ago, and I realized what I wanted and what I didn’t think I had a right to hope for. Since then, my actions have been crying out to me every time I hear loud noises. Those cries, that’s what I was trying to shut out with the drinking and the drugs and the sex.
“The things that I’ve done weren’t wrong, but they were still bad things. How can I ever hope to have love when I’ve done so many bad things? How can I hope to live in peace when the past cries out to me? How can I show myself to anyone and expect them to like what they see? Church…Church,” Bem raised his hands in front of his face to look at his palms, “I’ve been a part of so much evil. There’s so much blood.” Bem trailed off again and left us both in thoughtful silence.
I thought about everything that Bem had said. I thought about the things that he’d done, the people who he’d betrayed and killed, and the people that he protected with those actions. I thought about the friendship that he and I had, and the performance that he claimed he put on for me. I thought about the mask he said he wore. I thought about what Bem had been to me, the happiness he’d brought into my life and the loving kindness he’d shown to me. I would be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that finding out about Bem’s past unnerved me, but the greater lie would be for me to pretend that what he’d told me made me love him any less than I did.
I gathered myself and told my friend how I felt. I told him what I believed and what I thought he needed to hear. I told him what I knew would make the most difference to him in that moment. “I am not afraid of you, Bem.”
Bem raised his face to mine again with his mouth gaping open in shock. “You’re not?” He asked.
“No, I’m not!” I confirmed as vehemently as I could in the predawn quiet of a residential backyard.
“But, why not?”
“Because I love you too much to be afraid of you.” I explained to the man I still thought of as my very best friend in any world. “Your past is terrifying. I don’t pretend to understand how you could have been a part of those things, but I can’t judge you for them. I don’t have the right to do that.
“All I can do is judge you for what you’ve been to me. You have always been my friend. You have always been kind to me. You have always believed in me. I believe in you. I believe in the decisions you made. I believe that you are a good man. I believe that I am safe with you around. I trust you completely. I did before, and I do now, and I always will.”
A single tear traced down Bem’s left cheek. “You really trust me?” He gasped.
“Completely.”
“Completely?” Bem asked.
“I trust you enough to be completely vulnerable with you. I trust you enough to have no secrets from you. I’ve trusted you that much for a long while now, and what you’ve told me doesn’t change any of it.”
“But, just you.” Bem said like it was a statement of fact.
“NO!” I whisper-shouted at him. “Not just me. I trust you with myself, and my husband, and my family. I have faith in you. I believe that you would never hurt any of us and I believe that if anyone ever tried to hurt any of us, you would show them no mercy. I believe that what you did to Zeke, even if it was excessive, was the right thing to do. You protected my sister, like you helped me protect the world, like the job you did for your country protected your way of life. I believe that me and my whole family is SAFER with you around than we could be without you.”
Bem’s manner changed. He was excited instead of worried. “Can it be the same as it was?” He took my hands and held them. “I’ll be who I was, the mask will never slip again.”
I shook my head. “It can’t be the same, but it can be better. Throw the mask away. Don’t calculate every move. Just be yourself. If you feel silly, be silly; if you feel serious, be serious. You don’t have to live with all that locked inside. I can help. I’m not going to push you, but you can tell me anything, as much or as little as you want. You’ll never have to worry about driving me away, me or Shawn.”
Bem’s face twisted with fear when I mentioned my husband. I rushed to reassure him. “I won’t break my promise. I’ll never say a word to Shawn, but I think you underestimate what he can handle. He is a very pure young man, but he’s also a realist. He understands how the world works. You think he’s spent years working for Ars and somehow didn’t see how the world works? We both…we need you in our lives. I don’t want to be friends, brothers really, with a mask. I want my brother to be a person, no matter who that person is.”
“You think of me as your brother?” Bem gasped in surprise.
I grinned and teased Bem a little to lighten the mood. “Kind of a brother with benefits but without being creepy because we’re not actually related.”
“I’ll be your brother with benefits!” Bem latched onto me and embraced me with strength beyond what he appeared capable of.
I returned the tight squeeze. “I’m glad you told me. Keeping that up must’ve been exhausting. Maybe now you can really be yourself.”
“Thank you for understanding, Church.” Bem broke the embrace and held my hands.
“Thank you for trusting me enough to speak up.” I held Bem’s hands up and kissed them one at a time. “Don’t look at these and see the blood, don’t look for the negative. These are wonderful hands because they’re your hands. If you ever find yourself hating them, bring them to me and we’ll see what else they can do.” I brought Bem’s right hand to my mouth, sucked his thumb in, and swirled my tongue around the short, thick digit.
“Fuuuuck,” he moaned, “don’t…oh my.”
I released him with a slurp and a smile.
“You’re such a tease.” He accused.
I laughed and got ready to change the subject onto happier things when another discussion we’d had recently popped into my mind. “The other night,” I asked, “when I told you that Mary and the twins were coming with us, you said if they hadn’t you would have killed Zeke. Did you mean that?”
Bem’s dead eyes came back, but just for a moment. “I considered it. I didn’t do any more than consider it. I’m glad I don’t have to make the decision.”
“Why? I mean…why did you even consider it?” I asked, stunned that Bem would go that far for my sister.
“It’s funny,” Bem brightened up, “I really like Mary. She’s my complete opposite. She acts hard, but she’s really sweet and caring. When she’s with Hannah and Leah, I know who she really is. That’s why I volunteered to go to Zeke’s yesterday morning. I wanted to spend some time with her. She’s hot to. I like slim, mature women. If she was going to stay, I didn’t plan to leave her here alone with that piece of filth. He would have ruined her life. Guys like him don’t change…not ever.”
“I…uh…I don’t know what to say.” I stammered, still in shock at the discussion I was having.
“Don’t say anything.” Bem shrugged like it was a non-issue. “She’s not staying so it doesn’t matter.”
I thought about that. Bem’s free admission of his potential willingness to kill my brother-in-law scared me, but there was a piece of me, a small piece, that wished I could’ve done the same.
“Church,” Bem said in a very small voice, “would you hold me please?”
I wrapped my arms around my friend and held his body against mine. Bem settled against me, his front to mine and his chin on my right shoulder. I felt his heat and breathed his scent. It was comforting to be close to him.
“Church,” Bem whispered in my ear, “could I have some magic please?”
I wondered if giving Bem my magic would become a habit. I wondered, but decided I’d worry about that some other time. I activated my Vitalis power like I had the night before. I let the magic gather in my whole body and I offered it to Bem from every point of contact between us. I felt the magic flow into my friend.
“So good, Big Guy.” Bem said to my ear in a voice that sounded dreamy.
I wondered what my magic was doing to him. “What does it feel like?” I asked.
“It’s like…it’s like,” Bem pondered aloud, “it’s like being in your arms, but inside me to.”
“Like sex?” I asked.
“No,” Bem leaned back to look in my face, “like…like I can feel your kindness, your friendship filling me up. It’s like being part of you…almost like that wish I told you about, where I get to be part of you and Shawn. It makes me feel…I feel,” Bem’s eyes darted to the side in what I took to be an evasion, “Big Guy…I…I’m not jealous of Shawn, but I wish…I wish…I wish I wasn’t so fucking lonely!” Bem buried his head in my chest and tightened his arms around me like he never wanted to let me go. He didn’t cry, but his breathing seemed ragged and miserable against my body.
I held my friend and rubbed my hands up and down his back. I offered some advice that Shawn had given me. “You’ve got time, Bem. You have time to find someone to love you. You have time to find someone who you can show the real you to, someone you can be naked in front of, someone who will love you like no one else can. Until then, spend time with me and Shawn.”
“Big Guy,” Bem whispered, “Shawn is a lucky guy.”
I offered a mild correction to Bem’s statement. “I’m the lucky one.”
Bem leaned back again, so he could look in my face. His eyes were hot, and his face was gravely serious. “Listen to me, Church.” He demanded. The fact that he was using my name instead of calling me ‘Big Guy’ told me he was very serious. “Shawn is a wonderful person, and you are lucky to have him, but…but…just don’t think that he’s not lucky too.”
“OK.” I agreed.
Bem settled against my chest and seemed to melt into my body. “Hold me forever, Big Guy, please.”
“How about until the sun comes up?”
“I’ll take what I can get.”
Bem and I maintained our embrace. I rubbed his back and left my magic active. My power didn’t seem to overflow Bem like it had with Joe, and I wondered if that meant something. Just around the time the sun crested the horizon, something changed between me and Bem.
Instead of my magic flowing from me into him, instead of the power moving only in one direction, I felt like the magic started to return to me. The feeling I got was very much as Bem had described to me. I felt Bem inside me. I felt like our embrace had gotten much more intimate, like I was swimming around in Bem’s love and friendship. It felt amazing.
Bem felt the change too. I could tell even though he didn’t say anything. I closed my eyes to block out the distraction of the sunrise and let the feelings wash over me. I felt like I had been wrapped in a blanket of Bem. Like somehow my friend and I were the layers of a jelly roll, one of us the cake and the other the jelly, rolled and combined into a single experience. It was intimate and intense. I explored the feelings for what seemed like a very long time but must have only been a few minutes.
The yard swing moved as I felt someone join us. I opened my eyes to see Shawn. He had his hand on my shoulder and looked at me with a clenched and worried expression. “What are you doing?” He asked. “You feel strange. Not bad, but…I can’t describe it.”
I wasn’t sure how to answer him. I was in the middle of something incredible, and I wanted to share it with my husband. “Hug us.” I said to Shawn.
Bem turned his face to my husband and agreed. “Hug us.” He insisted.
I opened my left arm to invite Shawn in. He accepted the invitation and wrapped his right arm over my back and his left arm over Bem’s. I gathered Shawn into us and felt my magic flow into him. I felt the combined magic that Bem and I shared flow into my husband. Shawn’s frozen eyes widened in surprise as I added him to the experience. “What is this?” He asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Me neither,” Bem added, “but it’s wonderful.”
I agreed with Bem. “It’s wonderful.”
The same change that had occurred between Bem and I happened between Shawn and us. The magic equalized much more quickly, and our three separate experiences seemed to merge into a single one. Shawn draped himself against me and Bem with his face between ours. Our breathes mingled and Shawn’s scent blended with Bem’s to create a masculine perfume that soothed instead of aroused.
“What’s happening?” Shawn asked us both.
“I love you.” I said to answer Shawn’s question.
“I love you too.” Bem said to Shawn.
“I…I…I love you to…both of you.” Shawn replied. His wide eyes narrowed to sensuous slits as he relaxed into the shared experience. “I love you, Church.” He breathed over my face and rested his head against my shoulder.
Bem added his thoughts to the experience. “This is…this is a little like I thought my wish would be, the three of us, sharing each other like this.”
I didn’t say anything to that. I felt too good to say anything in reply. I could have stayed like that, lived the rest of my life in that moment. I felt like my soul was open and communing with the souls of my husband and my best friend. It was the most intimate experience I’d ever had. The experience was even more intimate than sex. It was physical and sensory and emotional and so intense. I actually thought it was possible for the three of us to combine into a single entity like Bem had wished, and in that moment, I was ready for it to happen.
I reveled in the closeness to the two people who were most important to me, basked in their combined presence and enjoyed them. The experience was wonderful…until Joe ruined it.
