But God does not smile on too much sorrow, and the new day had barely touched nine in the morning when Jesus, sitting on a with James and John, stood up and shielded his eyes.
“Shit shit shit and fuck!” James swore. “Why can’t they leave us alone!”
Jesus frowned as he saw the large numbers rolling toward them, the sick, the lame, the mad, the sad, the poor, the longing and said, sighing:
“Because, just like you, and just like me, they are harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.”
Judas and Thomas, Peter and Andrew. Nathanael and Philip were coming up the hill, drawing close to Jesus, and now came his brother Joses and his brother in law Cleophas. Magdalene stood beside Jude and Matthew. and Alphaeus shielded his eyes in disbelief.
As Magdalene looked on Jesus, she saw him changing, the weariness in his body gaining life, and as the crowds seemed to threaten to overwhelm him, he said to his companions, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into His harvest.”
And then, raising his voice so that the whole sky could not contain it and the advancing crowds halted.
“BLESSED ARE THE POOR IN SPIRIT, AND BLESSED ARE THOUSE WHO MOURN!”
At the sound of the trumpet in his voice, the crowds slowed, some standing frozen, some preparing to sit on the ground while he began again.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.”
Even the sound of their sitting on the ground was loud, and his voice rose above their noise.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
He had opened his mouth, and the words had flown out. He had not expected to say any of these things. He’d had nothing to say. Suddenly, though, he had everything to say.
“Blessed are the merciful,
Blessed are the pure in heart,
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you.”
But he was not done, and they were all sitting down now, waiting on his words. So often he wondered if h would have any of those words, but today they came freely.
“Whoever finds the interpretation of these sayings will not experience death. Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds. When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over the All.”
Jesus said, “If those who lead you say to you, ‘See, the kingdom is in the sky,’ then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, ‘It is in the sea,’ then the fish will precede you. Rather, the kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty.
“The man old in days will not hesitate to ask a small child seven days old about the place of life, and he will live. For many who are first will become last, and they will become one and the same.
“Recognize what is in your sight, and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you. For there is nothing hidden which will not become manifest.”
And that day the companions were disciples, and Zelotes and Nathanael asked, “Do you want us to fast? How shall we pray?”
Others asked, “Shall we give alms? What diet shall we observe?”
Jesus said, “Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered. Blessed is the lion which becomes man when consumed by man; and cursed is the man whom the lion consumes, and the lion becomes man.”
And he said, “The man is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of small fish. Among them the wise fisherman found a fine large fish. He threw all the small fish back into the sea and chose the large fish without difficulty. Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear!”
Never, until this moment, when his heart was cracked open with grief, when over and over rose in his mind the questions: Where is his head? What did they do with his head? What can I do? What should I do? Is this, is this enough, had the vision been so diamond bright. Never had he known so well that he was supposed to be here, and here, in this wild and empty place, with these desolate and tired people was the abyss before creation, the waiting space of the Almighty. Here was the beginning of all things.
“We thought out sorrow was the house of God’s disfavour and our confusion, our unease the sign we were on the wrong road,” Jesus whispered to John and Nathanael.
“We never knew that in chaos and in blood was the road to all redemption.”
And, as usual, though they only half or less than half understood him, his words burned in them like wine. They couldn’t get enough.
He called out.
“Now the sower went out, took a handful of seeds, and scattered them. Some fell on the road; the birds came and gathered them up. Others fell on the rock, did not take root in the soil, and did not produce ears. And others fell on thorns; they choked the seeds and worms ate them. And others fell on the good soil and it produced good fruit: it bore sixty per measure and a hundred and twenty per measure.”
Taking a great fiery breath as he stood on the hill, the old robe blazing white in the sun, he exhaled and declared:
“I have cast fire upon the world, and see, I am guarding it until it blazes."
He called out:
“This heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will not die. In the days when you consumed what is dead, you made it what is alive. When you come to dwell in the light, what will you do? On the day when you were one you became two. But when you become two, what will you do?"
He called out, and on one level they understood this, for the very destruction of the world. The sun rose high and the sky, stood up at noon to rejoice in his words, and then began to sink toward the hills in the west.
There was a great thrumming through the crowd, and over the land, as if they all sensed that something new was starting here, in this place, inaugurated in grief. Jesus, feeling his weariness and the end of his voice, still spoke.
“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”
The power had surprised him. Buoyed up by it, he moved through the crowds, touching blind eyes so men shouted with no sight, touching making the cripple walk, and the diseased of mind weep with new freedom, but now, like some sun god, he was growing winded with the close of day.
Judas, seeing the sudden weariness on Jesus, looked to Magdalene, who nodded and he said, “Master, the day is long and we are far from towns. Send the people away.”
“Yes,” John nodded. “Send them to the surrounding villages so they can find something to eat.”
“Feed them yourselves,” Jesus said.
John blinked at him. He turned his head as if trying to understand what he had heard. Was Jesus weary and sarcastic? It would not have been the first time. But he seemed utterly in earnest.
“What?” Nathanael began.
Magdalene said nothing. She drew her mantle about her. Sometimes, she thought, it was better to be an eye and an ear than a mouth.
“Feed them,” Jesus said, as if he were talking to someone slow, “yourselves.”
“Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” James cried in exasperation.
But Jesus seemed supremely disinterested. Below the crowd was restless for more words, more anything.
Philip said, “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!”
But Andrew, who had only overheard and trusted in Jesus like a puppy, spoke up.
“Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”
Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.”
There was plenty of grass in that place, and as they all sat down, Magdalene took a deep breath. There were more than hundreds. There were thousands, easily. More gathered than she had ever seen, and they all sat down under the vaulted sky.
Jesus looked to the boy with the baskets and he said, “Friend, may I?”
The boy blushed and almost turned away from Jesus’s beautiful face, but he nodded, and reaching into the basket offered a round loaf to Jesus who lifted it up like Melchizedek the priest of old, like the old Canaanite priest kings who stood on hill tops making the grain offering, and all the space around them was quiet as his lips moved in prayer, and then he spoke:
“Baruch atah Adonai lemotsi ahem aretz, Amen.” And saying this, he handed the loaf to the boy who put it into the basket, and then he said, “If you would please, help my friends,” he gestured to the disciples, “hand these out.”
They boy nodded, and Mary Magdalene blinked, wondering what in the world was about to happen. For one man took a loaf to share with his family, and then a woman took one for herself and her children, then someone else reached in, and before they had gotten through the five, there was a shriek. But by then the basket of smoked fish was being passed and fish were tumbling onto the ground while people’s eyes opened in wonder. And then it seemed as if there were several baskets, and though people murmured and praised God, this was a holy business, no time for shouting and stepping over each other as they all saw multiple baskets high with bread, and multiple fishes, and the disciples who had had been carefully carrying a little basket with one fish or two, feeling quite foolish, were startled as their arms sagged with the weight of the fish, and the abundance of bread.
Nathanael put down the basket as other reached their hands into it, and he lifted his eyes to heaven, singing:
“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever!”
Around him, they all sang. Clutching bread, men and women wept on their knees, lifting one loaf, one fish, offering them to be eaten by new friends, for there would always be enough, they sang.
“To him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.”
In the midst of them all, Nathanael, beside Simon Zelotes, who would never forget the day water shimmered into wine, fell on his knees, weeping.
Weeping, Nathanael cried:
“Blessed art thou, Eternal our God, who has made bread from the grains of the earth! Amen amen amen.”
This was it, or if it was not it, it was the beginning of it. They had fled their tears and their confusion, their tiredness and exhaustion in Capernaum to come out to this place, and been followed by people in need of they knew not what. And now the empty country was filled with little fires and people singing. They had made a sacred encampment in the wilderness. When they had all had enough to eat, Jesus said to his disciples, “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.”
Ten loves and ten fish, Andrew gave to the boy, and asked, “Where is your home?”
“My home is wherever I can lay my head,” he said.
“Come with us,” Andrew said, and the boy nodded, gratefully.
They gathered the rest of the bread and fish and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten. The people, contented, sleepy, barely noticed. And, except for Magdalene and Judas and John, the disciples barely noticed as Jesus withdrew into the hills to be alone.
What happened next was strange and confusing to retell, and some could never agreed on the details. Some said that Jesus fled to the hills because after the people saw the sign of the loaves and fishes, they began to say, “Surely this is the Prophet who is to come into the world,” and that Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself. Doubtless this was a thought on the minds of some, but that would have required a war, and the people assembled that day had not even ploughs to beat into spears.
Some tell that Jesus sent all of his companions off on boats with the bread and the fish, and only when they had departed did he go into the hills, not to flee a crowd that would make him king, but to pray. Now, all this time, since the later afternoon, a wind had been picking up, and the evening brought grey skies. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
The wind was strong and the water choppy, but these were experienced sailors, and what was more, there were several of them together.
“Are you afraid?” Andrew asked the boy who had come with them, and he said, stalwartly, “I’m not afraid of anything right now.”
Sailing and sleeping, sailing and sleeping, they took turns that night, and in the mist and soupy grey of early morning, through the clouds and rain, Peter squinted.
“What’s up, mate?” James said, and Peter still did not speak.
“Simon?” John said, frightened at the look on the older man’s face, and he rose and Peter said, “Look.”
“The hell!” John swore.
“The fuck?” James murmured.
Dimly… no, plainly, for they wanted it to be dim, wanted unnaturalness to be one of those things that fishermen late at night, or drunk had seen that could be explained away. But there, walking on the black water, was the shadow of a man. And as John made the sign against evil, he and James and Peter were aware that the man was walking toward them. As the grey light of day came through the clouds and the mist of the night, they saw, white robe waving about his feet, the wind in the tangles of his dark hair, the man walking on the lake. The nearer he approached, the more John’s bowels felt lose. The more James wanted to vomit.
“It’s a ghost,” someone cried out, and in the bow of the boat, Andrew clutched the trembling boy to himself.
But out of the grey mist, the man shouted, “Take courage! It is I. Do not be afraid.”
“Yehoshua!” John whispered. “Jesus.”
There was his tall form, the set of his shoulders, his white robe grey in the morning, through the mist, through the cloud, dew in the tangles of his hair.
While John was taking him in, while he was trying to understand what was happening, Peter called out, “Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water.”
And then Jesus said, almost roughly, almost a yell: “Come!”
Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus, and what he felt, what the waves were beneath his feet, only he could answer. But there was a great jolt of wind, the ship swelled, and when Peter saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, crying out, “Lord, save me!”
While his eyes were opening in fear, and he was sinking like a stone, thinking, ironically of his nickname, Jesus quickly reached out his hand and caught him and now, before all, they stood on the waves as if they were on dry land
“You of little faith,” he said to Peter, grinning at him, “why did you doubt?”
And it is said that when Jesus and Peter climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, and Matthew, bowing down, declared, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
They had barely washed onto the shore, and grey rain was falling from the clouds onto the grey brown beach. The rain plastered their robes to them and John could see that Jesus was naked under his robe. They pulling the boats onto land, and already Peter could see the town waiting for them.
“What in the world is going on?” Nathanael murmured.
John, who had noticed other boats on the shore, scratched his head, and they proceeded toward Capernaum.
