The teddy bear which granted me my wishes

Part 1

Waking up, depressing thoughts, phone, breakfast, phone, masturbation, phone, depressing thoughts, late lunch, phone, masturbation, phone, depressing thoughts, crying, potentially shower, dinner, depressing thoughts, night distractions, sleep.  

This was pretty much how my vacations from highschool were going. This one was a bigger one since I had just finished highschool, 19 years old, single, virgin, introvert, afraid of talking to new people, addicted to my phone and wasting my life.  

Nothing was going on the way I wanted it to go. My education was so mid-level. My grades weren't that bad since you know how some subjects were fillers to boost your final grade. I couldn't find work that I wanted and on top of that I was on terrible terms with half of my highschool classmates.  

The thing that was capable of giving me a smile was a teddy bear toy that me and my mother had bought some time ago. It was smiling and I could stay with it in my hard moments. It would listen to me without judging me for my thoughts or actions. I hated such people that just see that they are better than you and look at you as a lesser being, it disgusted me. I was constantly horny, sure, but why should this affect how people around me see me? I hated it.  

I constantly wanted to get a chance to rewind the time to the start of highschool. I had the necessary mindset to "kill it" this time. To break the system and be the best. But what am I even dreaming about? Magic doesn't exist for random no bodies like me. I believed in magic - not in fire or water bending but in time machines, teleportation, inhuman powers, that kind of magic. But you needed money and connections to even have its existence confirmed to you.  

If I was just alone I would have just made my nights as days but since I lived with my mother, I had to go bed at night and ended up having 1-2 hours of what I call night distraction. That was a time when for some reasons problems almost didn't exist and I was seeing light at the end of the tunnel. And no - I wasn't drunk, I wasn't taking drugs or anything like that and I didn't have any explanation to it.  

When I masturbated I imagined different things so a lot of times I skipped my phone as something to stimulate me. I imagined doing lewd things with some of my classmates. It was probably disgusting but I wasn't the only one who did that. I considered myself bi even though I was pretty disgusted at most girls I knew. I hated their arrogance, their all-mighty attitude, the way they acted as if the world spins around them. I know that not all girls are like that but most I met were exactly what I said.  

Maybe I bad way I found to deal with anxiety was to imagine torturing people who did or said something to me. I thought of different ways to do it which somehow made me feel more relaxed. Talking about crazy stuff.  

If I should generally summarize my main problem - it was that no one wanted to try understand me. How I feel, why I feel this way. People always seemed to be in a hurry to just tear and throw away.  

I tried many times to find friends online but the general picture was that half of them don't even reply after matching, the chats with half of the rest were at most 10 messages. Half of the remaining just started ignoring you after things were going great. Half of what's left wanted to trade nudes. And with the others we had some longer conversations. And from them, many just blocked you the first time you say something that they dislike or just ghost you as well. They didn't want to talk with you that they have a problem with something. They didn't have those brain cells.  

Something changed my whole life though. One completely normal night turned my whole life upside down. That night I had cried after imagining ending my life. I went to meet the teddy bear which I mentioned. There was a raging storm and as a loud thunder pierced through my ears in the dim-lighten room fog formed around the smiling toy and it transformed into.....  

End of Part 1.